Manipulation from the SD's
After YSD visited with DH & I recently, she then went to stay with OSD, BM, etc..
She sends a text to us with pics of OSD's children. The grandkids we haven't seen in three years
She says she thought DH would want to see how much they've grown
I don't beleive that was all that was
I think the SD's thought if DH saw pictures of the grandkids he's been denied seeing for the last three years, that he would be sad and missing them, especially after seeing how much they've changed and that he missed out on it all
SD's have always been manipulative, particulary the tactic of excluding DH information about what's going on in their lives but making sure to inform someone he regularly talks to (way back it was his parents for example) so that he would hear about it second-hand from someone else and realize what he had missed going on in their lives
Hurtful
We figured YSD would have asked OSD for permission to send the pictures and OSD for sure would have loved to cause that kind of hurt
If that was their intent it didn't happen
DH has come to accept that the loss of OSD and sgkids was a choice OSD made, not him
A choice she made because she was punishing him for standing up for what he felt was right, punishing him really for loving me and our relationship and really at the end of the day, punishing him because OSD feels threatened by his relationship with me and is jealously insecure about her own with DH.
He decision was made out of hurt and anger but she used BM as the pawn and tried to make it all about her - DH has zero problems with BM but he did have a problem with OSD and SIL tryng to create a problem with BM and us (and when they couldn't create a problem between us then making up a problem that this was somehow all about her and them standing up for her)
DH may have been able to forgive her but to deny him relationships with his own grandchildren and for 3 years now, he says he will not ever be able to forgive OSD and especially SIL who he feels is the instigator of the BM drama
With that said, he has come to accept it. It was not his choice, he did nothing to deserve this
I hope one day OSD will really have to look into her heart and what she did, and the reasons she knows she really did it. Will she actually think it was worth it?
I think she thinks DH will coming running back begging to have them all in his life again. So far no
YSD always reports to us these big medical problems that OSD is having too. Yet nothing ever seems to come of them or you just don't really hear about it again...can't help but think all of it is aimed to make DH feel guilty, sad, and of course like he gave all of them up for me resulting in destroying our relationship. In this case I really hope that's all it is as I wouldn't want any of those awful medical issues we hear about to be true, not even for OSd
But as this was another tactic OSD would use back in her mid to late teens and living with us (on the rare occasion DH & I would go away without her there would be all this fuss that she had got a bad cold while we were away, or she was really sick, always something awful happening to her and/or YSD and even then I saw right through it as nothing more than something to make DH feel bad, guilty for spending some time away with me) it makes me wonder if it's manipulation all over again.
She doesn't seem to have changed much! LOL
Thankfully, DH seems to see it for what it is.
So their tactics really just continue to backfire if that's what they are
On another good note, the sgkids were wearing the jewelery we had bought them as gifts and gave to YSD in the hopes OSD would allow the sgkids to have them. Clearly she did 
He should consider writing
He should consider writing letters to be included with the will. Each one of them should get one. He can have the last word.
Interesting Surviving...
Interesting Surviving....maybe I should too (not that either are in my Will) but that is one way to have the last word! LOL
Yes!
Like in the movie "Mommy Dearest."
My eldest sd would send pics of hubby back when married to
Exwife like she casually found them in a photo album to remind him of their family like they were a happy unit when they were not.
the sd's ended contact for 5.5 yrs over lies they knew their mum made about hubby, thought that hubby would out his life on hold. When he married me and had 2 kids with me they faked being all ok but i saw right through it. Barely 1/2 a yr later eldest sd fake cries hubby on the phone guilting him for marrying me and having 2 kids with me who were 1.5 & 2.5.
yes lets blame toddlers for why wou have a shitty dysfunctional relationship with your dad based on disrespect and manipulation from yourselves and wonder why hubby prioritises spending time with us more? Gee maybe because we don't do this manipulative bullshit to him and value him.
its one reason why i refuse to be around sd's because they didn't apologise to me and our 2 kids for thatso any fake crap that they love me and our 2 kids is all bs
i remember one dad sd23 sends hubby a pic of airport arrival hall and hubby had just arrived at work and is like "why are you sending me this?" And sd replies "she just wanted to let daddy know she was at airport waiting to pick up her mum and affair stepdaddy who were having an affair together whilst biomum was still married to my husband before they even separated.
somehow my husband who was married to me and we had 2 toddlers already was supposed to care that biomum was arriving from overseas. Took hubby another yr before telling off sd how inappropriate these texts and rants like this of bio mum and stepdad which had no relevance to our lives or conversation were and incredibly disrespectful to me and hubby since we were married and building a future together and had 2 kids
eldest sd sulked for ages over that. It didn't occur to her that hubby shouldn't give a crap or think about biomum and hubby truly doesn't and hates her with a thousand fires of the sun. He hasn't seen her since the divorce since 12 plus yrs ago and can't wait to die never having to see her ever again.
skids are part of the dysfunctional family biomum is from and have inherited her traits
Wow shamds...they truly don't
Wow shamds...they truly don't get it do they? Or they actually think their manipulation if that's what they're trying is guilting DH - who by the sounds of it has zero to feel guilty about!
Yeah eldest sd had the nerve to tell my husband
That she's sorry if she did anything wrong (which is code for i know what i did was inappropriate and wrong and it was to put stepmum in her place beneath all of us but i'm gonna pretend i did nothing wrong and wasn't aware what i did was inappropriate).
sd couldn't grasp the fact her mum snd stepdad is irrelevant to my husband. I also despised the miniwife behaviours which still exist and told my husband it killed any intimacy between us and there is nothing appealing seeing his 2 grown arse daughters pretending to be alpha females
It sounds as though your DH
It sounds as though your DH is keeping his head on straight, despite the constant attempts to get a reaction out of him by OSD (and YSD, her flying monkey!) I can relate to this, only my YSD is the ringleader and OSD is her flying monkey. The Grandskids become the ...pawns?...who now, in the case of the older ones, have grown up to be another flying monkey in YSD's Circus of Fools.
I am so sick of our YSD's foolish attempts at manipulation, we finally consulted our lawyer yesterday to find out how to make it stop and to at least have the conversation about it on record with him. When I get up the emotional energy, I will write a blog about it, but for now, I'm just drained. So is my DH, who is teetering on the edge between wanting to no longer be abused, emotionally blackmailed and manipulated, but still wanting to maintain a relationship with YSD. Our lawyer said it best yesterday; "What do you really want in a relationship with your DD? Is the way you are being treated right now, the way in which you want the relationship to continue?"
It's terribly distressing for those of us who have had to deal with Toxic Skids for the majority of our adult lives. Watching the newly manufactured and unwarranted dramas unfold, and not being able to stop it is beyond frustrating. The "fairytale" that we told ourselves so many years ago, that they would get better once they got older and had lives of their own, has become a myth. The struggle is real...
That really sounds stressful
That really sounds stressful Birchclimer.
And I relate to having a DH teetering on not wanting to put up with extortion, manipulation, and mistreatment from SD's, and still wanting a relationship with them and his grandkids
So unfair of adult skids to hold people and relationships hostage this way. It really is parental/senior emotional abuse
I like what your lawyer asked; good question and ultimately the same thing DH & I had to consider with SD's
In the end, DH chose to do what he felt was right and if OSD acted out and held unjust and evil consequences as she did, well that's on her and he would find a way to cope with the sadness that brings, and he has
Whether OSD will be able to live with what she did is a whole other story!
I told someone today that
I told someone today that said their relationship with their skids would surely get better once they reached adulthood that it does.not. That's absolutely pie in the sky.
Adult SKs Are Far Worse Than Juvenile Aged "Kids"
because they're all so worried about what they've got coming to them and if the wife is going to be a hinderance.
It all comes down to money. Most could not care less about their relationship with their father. "What's in it for me?" mentality, and of course, nobody could EVER marry for love, in their minds.
Yes BirchClimber, what does
Yes BirchClimber, what does your DH want out of this relationship?? I thought deeply about what I don't want in as a SP and I can tell you that I DON'T want what "has been." I am clearly removing myself from dyanmics and not putting up with BS. One of the adult SS is a victim (of life, of circumstance of all things in his mind), fantasizing about how I am going to bring him pain. I actually think it gives him some strength or high to be "hurt" by whatever he finds offensive. Circling back to your attorney's advice, I realized as my SKIDs moved into adulthood that I could spend the next 30-40 years with the same stuff...OR I can change and refuse the treatment.
The big question is - WHO in your family is taking the time to self reflect and become better? If the answer is just YOU then all you should do is back out into disengagement. Hopefully your DH will think about doing the same.
"in his mind."
A very poignant example. Many are legends in their own minds. Others are victims in their own minds. Rarely are either accurate.
I'm assuming you weren't included in picture sharing, were you?
YSD only sent them to your DH? If so, then if I were your DH I would have said something like, "Oh great to see the gskids getting so big. Also glad to see they are wearing the gifts DISILLUSIONED picked out for them!" (If that was the case...) Just to rub noses in it.
Anyway, it goes back to what you said - OSD made this princess bed for herself and she gets to lie on the pea. As for expecting her to come to her senses at some point in her life, I wouldn't count on it. When your DH passes I am sure she will come up with some LAME (Look At Me Everyone) attention-getting behavior to showcase HER grief.
People rolled up in themselves rarely unfold.
Actually 2Tired she sent them
Actually 2Tired she sent them to both of us.
But that is a passive-agreesive tactic she uses.
So she can show daddy that she really is including Disilusioned and really is nice to her...all the while the real reason I think is to make DH feel guilty and sad about all he's missing with his grandkids
We both thanked her for the photos and commented on them, but only DH got a response. And that was about how she thought he might want to see how much they've grown.
I made the comment about how nice to see they were wearing our gifts. My comments received no response, of course!
I agree with you that OSD will find some way in her head to justify what she's done. But if it's anything like her previous 'cycles' of this sort of behavior, we have maybe another year or two and she'll "come around and be just fine" again
What a surprise for her if it turns out that we in fact, are the ones that are not "just fine" with any of it!
Be DONE with the gifts..
Be DONE with the gifts...seriously. Be done!
Disillusioned, you described
Disillusioned, you described my situation to a T. My husband is miserable because of exactly, and I mean exactly what you described. The devious YSDs dropping info about the OSD who alienates her father to punish him for loving me (jealous witches). The only difference, maybe, is that my husband is finally growing weary of the distance and I believe our relationship is likely going to end because neither one of us can take it anymore. His misery over not having them around and mine dealing with all the moodiness and ruined holidays. Every.single.holiday is misery before, during and after he doesn't see the nasty wench. I've been thinking today that his resentment of me for them not coming around has hit an all-time high. Other life changing events are taking place, as well, which is adding to the mix. I'm pretty sure I know how this ends. I wonder how yours will. PS: The thought of grands coming into the mix...UGH, I don't think I'd survive the next level of manipulation.
What You're Describing Is Very Interesting & Thought
provoking.
My DH told me, "My kids don't enjoy coming here because of you." Really? What did I do besides try to be the most loving, loyal and amazing wife he's EVER had. It goes back to, though he absolutely had it made, he still spoke negatively about me to them. Clearly this changed their thinking and opinion of me.
Most interestingly X#2 reached out to me this last year and we compared notes. Whatta ya know? Almost identical! He talked negatively about her TOO! She told me he had told her that he was "getting a divorce from BM" when in reality she learned he had NO intention of divorcing her, but he said he would when the youngest graduated from high school. She learned he remained married for 5 years of their relationship while he lived with her (he worked out of town frequently) and she paid all the bills (he was a "kept man") and she learned from her lawn care guy that he was screwing his banker (whom he dated before he married her, and after he divorced #2, he married HER). She said, "He was still married to #1, living with me, and screwing the future #3. What a prince!" She told me he was a mean younger man and from what she took from that she can only assume is is a mean old man who only cares about himself and his kids. She's right! No room for a wife. He needs a Visiting Angel like they advertise on TV. He/they expect the wife to be treated as secondary, to have nothing and expect nothing when he's gone.
I wish the best for you. May God help us all through this mess we call marriage.
I'm so sorry to hear that
I'm so sorry to hear that Missingme, that is so unfair to you.
Can your DH not understand that it's his crappy relationship with skids and their issues, rather than it being your fault?
Perhaps if he & you split (I hope not) he will then resent them for destroying his marriage
My DH does feel the misery, but he does at least see it from where it's coming from - SIL and OSD and he blames them and says he will never forgive them
I've worried he will resent me but then I know I did not cause this and I'm not going to let his nasty family hold me hostage any longer
I so hope this gets better for you!