Second Chances and Boundaries
My ex and I dated for 14 months with it ending a few months ago. The reason it ended it was because she had an emotional break down over her ex moving on. They were seaprated for 7 months(together for 5yrs) before we dated and were hashing out divorce details while we were together. They have been separated for 2 yrs now. They had a couple of heated conversations about divorce which I wasn't too sure why it had to be so emotional but I figured that type of talk could go that way, They have one BD and my ex has one BS from a previous relationship(BF not in the picture). Throughout our relationships her ex would emotionally vent to her and I told her many times that I was not ok with this and to politely end the conversation when it got to anything beyond kids stuff. However, it continued. Her ex would use the kids to emotionally maniplate her. Some examples were a selfie(for the kids) and buying her flowers(from the kids). He even hugged her a couple of times which I found out months later. The family went on a vacation together beacuse she thought 'it would be good for the kids', which we nearly broke up over. I am complicit in the fact I ignored the early signs because I thought since I dont have kids, some of this is normal because after all 'its for the kids'. I have a different perspective now.
In the intervening months she says she has gone to therapy, done some work on herself, has said she misses me a lot and has a new perspective on us and eveyrthing. Although, I think she wants the best of both worlds-family life whenever and then a relationship.
If I entertain a conversation of getting back together, I have strict boundaries: no random visits during the other parents week with kids, all communication should be about the kids, no more family vacations, divorce has to be finalized. Am I missing anything? or being unreasonable? If I entertain a conversation I am planning to find out everything about their co parenting arrangements, just need some help on what else I should look for(red flags etc)
It's up to her whether her boundaries align with mine, but I am not accepting anything less based on the past. Is it normal to use 'its for the kids' as an execuse to schedule family outing apart from maybe birthdays/holidays? Does it extend to sporting events? I was told that its good for the kids to see them get a long in these settings.
Ideally, wait until she is 6 months out from the divorce being
Ideally, wait until she is 6 months out from the divorce being final - realistically, wait until the divorce is final. Divorced parents need time to figure out how parent on their own before they become really involved with someone else. And it is clear this woman was still way too involved with her ex to be ready for another relationship. Only time, and her behavior, will tell if she is ready in the future.
It is not normal for their to be "family outings" after a divorce. There is no need for joint parties or anything like that. They should be cordial at public events, like sports - but it is not necessary to sit together unless everyone is totally comfortable with it.
Have you considered some type of therapy for the two of you if you decide to try again?
Therapy and Sporting Events
There is a lot to talk about before I suggest therapy. I actually suggested it when she had her emtional breakdown, to see if we can salvage it but she wasn't 100% on it, which in hindsight, it was for the better. Recently, I saw her ex show up to a sporting event and sit next to her to watch her son, which was disorienting, as I thought she wanted cut ties, wtf? I didnt say anything because we aren't together. I actually think she wants best of both worlds-family life whenever and a relationship and I think she thinks this is ok, but we'll see.
I am not even sure after the divorce she will be 'ready' in the sense I see fit. Because she told me many times that she has no support where we live and she has to rely on him-personal stuff and coparenting. Like you said, I'll watch her behaviors and judge. Thank you
Big red flag - why does she need to rely on him for anything?
Big red flag - why does she need to rely on him for anything? What kind of personal stuff does she need him for? It seems odd she would rely on her ex for support when she was in a relatioship with you. Please take things slowly if you get back together with her.
Rely on ex for support when she was in a relatioship with you
Her kids told her ex she had a high electricity bill and he snuck $200 in her coat or something. That was about it. She never returned it even though I offered to but she said it would be awkward. I think she thinks being helpful to each other is being a good co parent.
I meant more so what I have seen/heard lately. Borrowing his vechicle and her ex helping out while she had covid. We're not together anymore but still red flags. It will be real slow IF I consider getting back together.
That's not co-parenting, that
That's not co-parenting, that's enmeshment.
Enemeshment
I don't think she sees it that way, is it even worth it for me to mention this?. If we talk, I am just going to sit and listen mostly, and like another poster said, wait until she comes to the table with a plan I can consider
You're not unreasonable
If I were you, I'd be very cautious. Lbelieve people CAN make big changes in therapy but I'd have to see proof. I dont think you are unreasonable at all. If you do entertain the idea of getting back, I definitely wouldn't move in together. I would not judge one single thing based on words. I'd judge everything based on her actions and total transparency.
Let me show my cynical side and ask about finances. Is it advantageous for her to be with you?
Yes, its good that kids don't see their parents at war. That means each person being polite and civil, nothing more.
Watch your back, Shaker29.
Is it advantageous for her to be with you?
Never been married, no kids, just got a promotion. But its financially beneficlal for her to go back/stay with her ex as well. Although, some of my ex co workers would see it as me going to the dark side.
Even if we were to give it another shot, I am not ignoring any red flags this time and will carefully watch her behaviors. She would say stuff like 'when its his week, i miss the kids so I want to visit them once in a while'. Which is bs, why did you break up then? But I was ok with it because it was short visits and well, I dont know what its like. But now I have some perpective.
Are you sure?
Are you sure you even want to be with her? Let's face it, you are always going to have trust issues with her. Even in a good situation, deadly jealousy is a big thing. My DH,'s ex couldn't stand him, just used him as an ATM, but I was insanely jealous of her. That's a good situation (where the ex hates them). You don't have that. You sound like a great person, I'd throw this one back and find somebody who is unattached and free to have a relationship. (Easier said than done, I know).
It's so early on to be having
It's so early on to be having so many issues. The main one being her not being ready to be in a relationship. These issues plus the parenting issues you will have with her in the future don't seem worth it to me. It generally gets worse not better until youre on the same page which can take time and adjustment as kids go through different phases.
I would keep my options open and date others until she comes to the table with something you can consider.
Is she the only "single"
Is she the only "single" woman (not really) available? No? Take a hard pass on this one and be happy she didn't get pregnant. I promise, this is not the only woman for you. Find someone that is ACTUALLY available.
Don’t waste your time.
My XW broke up with me before we married. I should have embraced that opportunity. It wound have saved me 2.5 years of marital hell.
Move on
Hun too many issues. You are single, childfree and deserve a partner who is as free of exes and enmeshment.
Sounds like a big part of you wants this. Its probably more the idea of her and not the reality. The reality is that the ex will always be in your life. Why waste time spinning your wheels wondering if and when she is emotionally cheating on you. She aint ready and prob will never be. You will be the only one with the problem. I forsee a future of tons of arguments, having your self esteem lowered all because "its for the kids" IT AINT WORTH IT.
At the very least while you are on a "break" date others. It doesnt have to be serious but for fun. Date women who have no ties elsewhere. You will be amazed how easy it is with the right one.
Blessings