If you read my last forum here about family therapy with SD18, here's an update. It was the hottest, muggiest, worst day ever. DH and i pulled up to BMs house to pick up SD18 for family therapy, as we had texted her the day before a reminder of the time. 

SD18 doesn't answer her phone. DH knocks on the door, and SD18 opens the door 2 inches and peers out of the darkness. As DH tells me when he gets back in the car ( and from what could overhear) SD decided to accept a babysitting job for her young cousin just moments before. She says she was getting ready for our appt, then her grandma dropped by with her favorite cousin, and asked if she wanted to babysit, and she "totally forgot about our appointment and said yes." 

So, DH looked angry, but didn't say anything and got in the car. We drove in silence to the "family therapy appointment" because we would get charged for it anyway if we didn't go. Of course their office A/C was broken, and we sweated it out in a little airless room for an hour. The heat and anger made us both cranky, so we got into a fight because I said that I am worried about SD 18 not having any natural consequences for her actions, like for example: If I forget my umbrella when its raining, I will get wet, because he is so quick to protect her from any of life's lessons. 

 I was not talking about punishment - but of course its his darling little angel, so immediately he feels he needs to protect her from life;s consequences. I was merely asking if we would be having a conversation with her later to let her know how much this upset us. The therapist actually seemed confused by DH's rambling accusations and denials,  too. She asked him some questions to clarify, and he basically told her that her "analysis was flawed."  He also fiercely warned me that that I was "attacking his character" and that he would not tolerate further insults. (What I said was in response to him saying i am controlling. I said that we all have control issues, even him and his daughters - who rearrange our house while we are sleeping - but that I feel I have put in a good effort in not getting upset over the little things, so its unfair to call me controlling simply because I disagree with his parenting style.)

So, long story short... amazingly he called SD18 when we got home, and told her she let us down and he expected more of her in the future. She denied any fault and got angry at him. Then he backpedaled and said of bunch of lovey dovey horseshit that undermined his previous statement. Then he says "You're right! Talking it out DOES help get my anger out."

This morning, as I am making my coffee before work, he announces happily "I FIGURED IT OUT! "  He says he thought about it all last night and tells me that "someone, probably my mother, messed with my head when I was little - and now I have boundaries that are way too strict and unrealistic expectations of others. He said that SD18 is also afraid of being hurt so she uses secrecy to keep others at bay. He looks proud of himself. 

I told him, thanks. I figured that out about myself when I was 22, in all those years of therapy I put myself in while he was out selling drugs and getting high with his friends. Yeah, your epiphany is kind of insulting but hey - thanks for the effort! I am glad he is thinking on it, but I told him to "look inward instead outward " for solutions to our problems, because I am not the sole problem here. Ugh. Now I want to go buy a bottle of whiskey and stick a bendy straw in it.