For the past few months, I’ve looked through the forums on this site and have finally found some comfort in what I’ve been feeling over the last four years. Things have taken several turns so please bare with me as I’m sure this will be a long post and I will be a little all over the place as I have nowhere to vent and none of my friends and/or family are parents let alone stepparents. I’ve looked into disengaging and have decided to follow through with my SD10. My DW and I have been together for the last 4 years, married (secretly) for 1 and married (publicly) for 2 weeks. I am a SM to two (SD10 & SS6) with no children of my own. My SS and I have a great relationship and he respects me as his “bonus mom” which is wonderful but not truly surprising as I’ve been around since he was 2y/o. On the other hand, My SD and I have had a tumultuous relationship from the very start (she was 6 then). 

Note: My DW and her ex ended their relationship on not-so-great terms especially with her next partner being a woman. According to my wife and from what I’ve seen in the beginning of their attempt at co-parenting, her ex was dependent on her in all aspects of life. Just one of many aspects I had to stay silent about as people pleasing is a big flaw of mine. She routinely expressed that she raised the children alone even while they were together, and nothing changed during the co-parenting process. She tried to maintain a relationship between BD and the kids on behalf of their well-being, but things got to the point that he became violent towards my DW in front of the children which led to a restraining order for us all. Before and after this event, he routinely threatened me and showed up unannounced to our home, etc. so it was necessary. So now DW has 100% custody of SK.  

With that being said, I never came into the relationship trying to be anyone’s parent. I tried to be friendly and respectful of them and their space especially since this was a very new situation for us all. Plus, my DW was adamant with the whole “if my children don’t like you then this relationship won’t work.” Again, totally fine, I would prefer for her to prioritize her children and their comfort. Even with that, she had the idea of the perfect blended family which I too wanted for all of us. Unfortunately, with this stance, I had to bite my tongue on a lot of things. From the beginning, SD10 (again, 6 at the time) would kick me, mess up my home, jump on my furniture, speak around me like “when is she leaving, how long do we have to be here” etc. Once we decided to move in together, I still tried to maintain space and respect as I moved into their already existing apartment. At this point, the disrespect continued and the lack of consideration for my space and boundaries ensued. SD10 would take my phone while I was sleeping to be on it in her room, both kids would be in the bed with us in the early hours of the morning…every morning (which was uncomfortable to me regardless of age/gender), I would still have to deal with the talking around me along with HCBD continuing his disrespect and dependency on my DW. 

We did not spend long in the apartment as I desperately needed neutral ground. We now live in a home with the four of us and I have become more comfortable imposing some ground rules and maintaining my boundaries. Nothing out of the usual. I expect respect for the adults and the space that we occupy (cleaning up after ourselves, cleaning up our rooms, etc). As SD10 has gotten older and the relationship with BD has been put to a halt, DW and I have received her ass to kiss day in and day out. Keep in mind, we have had the conversation that she is more than welcome to see him under supervised visitation once he goes to court and requests it (he has not done so thus far).  From stealing from stores, stealing snacks/food from the kitchen, walking away when being spoken to, huffing, and puffing and stomping around the house, lying about the smallest things, and even hiding our items from us. it has been truly challenging to handle. Her manipulation has gotten to the point that even SD’s therapist wanted to discharge her because she overrides the sessions and speaks about all of the positive things she has done and how great she has been. My wife and I have come together on several occasions to figure out how to combat it but because she grew up in an abusive household, she knows nothing more that corporal punishment (which we both don’t prefer) or giving up. We have tried alternative consequences - taking her things away, running laps, extra chores, but I seem to be the only one maintaining consistency, so I end up being the bad guy. It has gotten to a point that I am becoming overwhelmed with anxiety and stress as I spend most of the time with the SKs – pick up, drop off, flexing my schedule for their off days, Saturdays with them as my wife works, there is no space whatsoever. With this comes with SD going the extra mile with her attitude with me especially since she knows better than to do so to that extent with my DW. I’ve now disengaged completely from SD but not SS which my wife supported initially. Unfortunately, it seems as though she was not anticipating the extent to which I would remove myself. I’ve tried to do so gradually but even the smallest corrections with SD would result in her slamming doors/cabinets, throwing herself into the wall and walking away when I’m speaking. All with no interjection from DW. To avoid resentment, I’ve decided that unless it concerns SD’s health or safety, I want no interaction. I would prefer that they work on whatever issues they seem to have in their relationship before we try again to make any progress in our own. Unfortunately, there has been no consequences for our actions & no accountability since I’ve remained quiet. Especially with DW trying to keep the peace and bite her own tongue. I simply exist in the space which of course is frustrating as this is the home I take care of. 

This all came to a head recently as I wanted to watch a movie with SS but DW also wanted to watch as well, so I thought while SD was watching tv in another room, we would go ahead and watch the movie. Nope. DW asks her to turn off the tv and come into the living room with us to watch the movie despite us having the disengaging conversation. So I set up the movie for them and told my wife that I’ll watch it with them another time but go ahead and enjoy then I went to my room. This immediately upset her and she came into the room and expressed as such as she did not understand why something as “simple” as a movie could not be shared together. Which began an argument because I had no issue stepping away but I expected support or consideration if we knew my stance on the matter. I believe there is a difference between her being upset at the situation rather than being upset with me directly. It truly triggered me because we can be upset with me but cannot express any disdain towards SD’s behavior when she is being disrespectful to me in front of her. I guess I just don’t know what to do or if I just need reassurance on the matter but any advice or experiences are welcome. I love my wife and my SS so I’m not to a point of leaving but I’m frustrated with the lack of progress and support. Thank you in advance for all responses and suggestions.