I feel so confused
Background. I have been with DH for 17 years, Married 12, He is 14 years older than me.
SS 38 and SS 36 have bullied me for all 17 years. It got really bad with SD. I have been completely disengaged from her for 6 years. She broke up BM marriage. Her target has been our marriage for all this years also. DH admits she is a narcissist and that she has also abused him for years. Everytime he doesn't jump thru her hoop she doesn't speak to him for years. He dared to want to take me his wife to Dinner with them one time years ago. She didn't speak to him for 3 years.
She came back into DH when she was getting married. So DH could pay for her wedding, The day before her wedding she sent a text message to DH phone that she said was suppose to go to BM phone. She said that DH meant noting to her. DH ingnored it.
She has 2 children 6 and 3 and is pregnant with number 3. I have never seen the children. I have not been allowed to. DH ever since she had the kids, overlooks all the cruel things she does to both of us, but especially me. He knows if he stands up to her at all that she won't let him see the kids. They are her pawn, DH thinks that I should have the same affection for the kids that he does. I have never seen them. DH has pushed her to let me be around them. I don't want to. He won't quit. He took a stand and told her that he would not come without me. She has not let him see them for 2 years, He still treats her like a queen. He tells her constantly what a good person she is, what a wonderful mother she is, what a amazing wife she is. He keep begging her to let me see her kids. I keep telling him that I don't want anything to do with them. He won't quit.
SS has raised the bar with her abuse of me. DH says that I just need to get over it, and realize who she is and know she will never change and be OK with it. She has sent BM over to our house (I own) to deliver presents for DH. She is now love bombing him.
She told DH that I am a danger to him and she will protect from me. I asked DH if he thought I was and he says no. That I just need to ignore what she says about me. I can't. She is acausing me of abusing my husband. My husbands brother has Alzheimer's. I let him move in with us. I take care of him 24 hours a day. I work full time from home so, I am doing my job also. My husband has had 2 surgeries in the past year. I take 100 percent care of him also. SS called him and tells him he needs to lean on her for his care not me. She says he needs to put his bother in a nursing home. She slanders me to him, accuses me of things. He won't tell her to stop. He says he doesn't listen to what she say but if he confronts her she will pull the plug on him seeing his grandkids. He keeps telling me that he prays every night that we together will be grandparents to his grandkids.
The 6 year old plays baseball. So last summer he said he talked SS into letting us both come watch his game. So the morning of his game SS calls DH and tells him he can't bring me. That It would make BM and her MIL uncomfortable to have me there. Then she started her new campaign that there was no we when it came to DH and myself. That if I want to be around her children that I would have to sit down by myself with her and her husband and learn the rules. I refused. I told DH I am done, I don't want to be anywhere near her.
DH won't quit. He is keeping up his campaign that she needs to let us both come or he won't come. He told we would only met them in a park. Not ever go to there house, it would only be DH, Me , SD and her husband. We would not go to the 2 and 3 birthday parties they have for each child. We would see them a few days before or after.
The 6 year old is graduating from pre kindergarten. DH talked SD into letting us both come. It is next week. BM, SS, SD mother in law, her 3 sister in laws will all be there. I don't want to go, DH is very angry with me he says he has worked very hard get SD to allow me to come. I am terrified. All this people have been told horrible lies about me. Why all of a sudden is BM and MIL ok with being around me? I feel like I am being set up. DH expects me to be loving and warm to his grandkids. SH husband is very rich, He comes from a billionaire father. SD and him and the kids fly all over the country in their private jet, they have a yacht. 4 or 5 houses. I don't want to be near those kids. I am afraid that the parents would make accusations about me and take everything I own. DH even says that he would never be alone with the kids. He would never take them anywhere, in a car or anything,
DH says that if I don't go then it is on me. That he tried and If I refuse that then he will start leaving me at home and go see them at least 2,3 times a week. BM lives with them in their mansion now.
I have 3 kids. They are all married and 2 of them have babies now. They treat DH like a king, They call DH the grandfather of their chrildren they really do treat him like a king. SS, SD do not know that my kids are married or have kids. DH says it would upset them and cause lots of problems. I am OK with that because I really don't want them to know anything about me or my kids. They have treated my kids just like they treat me.
What do I do? Do I go. I told DH if I go I won't go near the kids. He says to me how could you not hug a innocent little child? Easy I am terrified of their parents. They have not even been told that Grandpa is married. I feel like I am walking in to a gang lynching. DH says I have to get over that. I can't I have been abused for 17 years. If I don't go then DH will put it all on me and say SD tried and I refused. I can't quite crying., I don't know what to do. Why do people have to be so cruel? I have no self esteem left. I work hard to take care of my husband's brother and my husband and my job. I feel so alone.
How do you handle watching your DH be so nice to the person that has abused you for years and taken so much from you?
You don't have an SD problem,
You don't have an SD problem, you have a DH problem. He is gaslighting you and putting the onus on you because he doesn't have the balls to stand up t his freak of a daughter. He is putting you in danger and causing emotional havoc for you for what he wants without a care in the world about the effects on you.
Do not go. Do not put yourself in that situation. You are being vilified and accused of being a danerous abuser. No way in hell I would subject myelf to that. I have gone apeshit on my DH for being a yellow belly and failing me by not standing up for me. The onus is not on you to just accept that your SD is the way she is. The onus is on your DH to either stand up for you as his wife and if he really can't, to just accept that you don't want anything to do with your SD or anyone else who you feel so unsafe with. Last year, I had one foot out the door. My DH got us into counselling as a couple and for himself and I go for myself. My DH was told in no uncertain terms by both our couples counsellor and his individual counsellor that if he wants to save our marriage he must stand up for me and nothing less will do. You are 50% of your marital equation so you have say. Stand up to your DH and tell him that if he wants to remain married to you, he must...
Thank you. You are correct my
Thank you. You are correct my problem is a DH problem. We went to a counselor and it was horrible. She said the problem is between me and SD and we need to work it out. That DH shouldn't be in the middle. So I stood up to SD the very first time in many years of taking her abuse and never saying a word to her. DH didn't back me at all. DH has taken what the couselor said and has run with. DH knows what kind of horrible anxiety it will cause me to see her but, is holding it over me that now SD is trying and I am rejecting it.
That counsellor is an idiot.
That counsellor is an idiot. OMG! That is the worst thing a counsellor can say! No, no no! All three of DH's, my and our couples counsellor said that I'm to be DH's first priority and that HE must stand up for me and protect me. The issue wasn't between my SD and I, but it was because DH failed me which (inadvertenly or not) reinforced SD's treatment of me. That's why your SD is treating you the way she does. She's being rewarded for it.
I would get another counsellor if I were you and make sure YOU interview them to find out if they have legitimate education and training in blended families. Your DH should not stay out of it. He should damn well insert himself and stand up to his bitch of a DD and lay down the law about respecting his wife. Do not let your DH use what that incompetent counsellor said as an excuse to run away and keep selling you out. I have actually told my DH before we went to counselling that regardless of what any therapist says, I will not be with a man who expects me to endure abuse in order to be married to him. No fucking way! A man not having my back is a deal-breaker and I say that regardless of what any therapist says. You can use that with your DH. You can have something that's a deal-breaker regardless of what a therapist says and he can either honour your boundaries or you'll have to consider your options.
I agree that the counselor is
I agree that the counselor is an idiot. Your SD is the one who is abusive, both to you and your DH...it's just that your DH seems to live in a fantasy world and ignores her abuse.
There is no requirement to have a relationship with anyone outside your immediate family (you and your DH). You don't have to have a relationship with his children...especially since your SD has made it clear that a) she doesn't want a relationship with you; b) she's not above lying and manipulating to get what she wants. She is an adult and so are you, so you can choose to interact with her or not.
That he thinks it is okay to be okay with toxic is pathetic.
That he wants you to be accepting of it... make he and his entire F'd up shallow and polluted a write off IMHO.
Take care of you.
If she is in fact "slandering" you to her father, sue her ass. Put Daddy on the stand, bare her ass, and stuff her in the stench emitting garbage can she has earned residence in.
You are right. It is pathetic
You are right. It is pathetic.
Your SD is a piece of work
Your SD is a piece of work for sure, but your DH is your real problem.
It baffles me when somebody says "but that's just the way they are and you need to accept it and deal with it." What about the way YOU are ( normal human who expects to be treated with civility)? Why doesn't SD have to deal with THAT and accept the fact that you are her father's wife and treat you accordingly.
This is some kind of messed up. I hope you can find a good marriage counselor knowledgeable about stepfamilies, and if your DH won't go with you, then you go by yourself. You need some support, some coping tools, and some validation that you are not the crazy one here.
Thank you. I don't understand
Thank you. I don't understand that either. Why just because someone is mean and abusive they should not be held accountable for their actions? Just because that is who they are? Doesn't make sense. Bottom line DH is afraid if her. He knows she is in control. He knows she won't let him see the kids if he confronts her. I think he has hope the kids won't be like her. Very fat chance of that. They are already very entitled. The 6 year old is already in his 3rd school because he couldn't h get along with others. SD says he was being bullied. Her husband is also very narcissistic. DH was 15 minutes late for the kids birthday party several years ago and he chewed him up and spit him out. DH was so angry at himself for being late.
The sad part is that all of them think this is what love is. Very sick.
Bedazzled, I'm sorry to hear
Bedazzled, I'm sorry to hear that you're still with this selfish, weak, deceitful man. He has broken faith with you so many times and facilitated your abuse. While your post is about how awful his daughter is, HE is really the narcissist responsible for your unhappiness. Do you get that? YOUR H IS THE ROOT OF YOUR PROBLEM, HIS KIDS ARE ONLY THE SYMPTOM.
Please go back and reread your earlier posts. You'll see his lies, deceit, manipulation and gas lighting chronicled. You're not the first good Christian woman to be exploited by a religious narcissist, or the first one to be gaslit by faith-based counselors who just want you to be a good submissive wife. Why are you still martyring yourself for this man? He took vows to love and honor you, not exploit and enjoy the convenience of your labor. Why are you caring for his brother when he never prioritizes you, wont stand up for you, and puts his failed first family above you? Why aren't his adult kids being good Christians and caring for their uncle??
My H would never tolerate anyone treating me with less than respect. He prioritizes our marriage and honors the covenant we made, to the point he has cut off any relative who mistreated me. So to answer your question, I don't have to deal with the unhealthy disloyalty your H exhibits. And I wouldn't tolerate it, either.
It's clear that you're still unhappy and unappreciated, but you need to remove the scales from your eyes and acknowledge who the true Judas is in your marriage. The more you face reality, the better you'll be able to take care of yourself. You deserve love, respect, and a partner who cherishes you, not this fake Christian narc.
I know you are venting
And I know you see things as they are. You must realize you are not going to change DH. People tell him he's wrong, that does nothing. So you must figure out how to live in this relationship. Not kidding as* for no reason.
Good Gawd
HUN you have taken this shit treatment way too long. Both DH and SD deserve a huge kick in the arse.
You need a therapist to help you set yourself up, raise your self esteem so you realize the only peace you will have is leaving this dysfunctional clusterfluck of a family.
I doubt any therapist no matter how good would get through to your prick DH's head. He is scared of losing the B of a princess SD. He isnt scared of losing you. He thinks no matter what you will stay. Prove the prick wrong. Those boots were made for walking.....
You need therapy to see how strong, intelligent, loving lady that you are. Dont continue to downgrade yourself. Post away I am sure all of us will be cheering you on straight into a better life.
BLESSINGS and youve got this.
His grandkids don't even know
His grandkids don't even know that you are married. Dump this loser. How DARE he treat you like a dirty little secret?!
OP, do some reading on
OP, do some reading on narcissistic abuse. The confusion you're experiencing is happening because your intellect and perceptions are telling you one thing, while your H is running a completely difficult version of reality. This is called cognitive dissonance.
You need to accept that 1) You can't rely on his judgement where his kids are concerned, and 2) You have to protect your best interests, because he won't.
You know what you know, and need to start drawing boundaries with your H. Be prepared for him to become very unpleasant once you stop participating in the dysfunction. This is what narcs do when thwarted, but stand strong. We're here for you.
I wouldn't be around any of his kids or their spouses. It's just
asking for trouble, especially if you feel sick at the thought of it all.
Why should his daughter take precedence over his/your marriage? He's admitted she has issues, and if he confronts her he knows she will write him off, but that may be a risk he needs to take IF his marriage means anything to him.
The counselor knows nothing about "blended families." Don't get discouraged. Try to find a better one, and for heaven's sake, do not go to one affiliated with the church. Been there, done that. It does NOT work, especially if the counselor has adult daughters. If that's the case, they must refer you to someone else as it's a conflict of interest.
I hate that you're still struggling , but completely understand.
On a brighter note, I'm glad to hear from you. I think of you often.