BIL comes to our house, just takes what he wants
Ugh, other peoples' relatives...part of the baggage of a second marriage.
DH's younger brother is renovating his house, basically just replacing fences, fireplace etc. and always trying to do,things on the cheap. He's 60 years old, and not poor.
We are also in the process of building a new house ourselves, by hand, and put up a timber storage in the backyard to keep the wood dry that we use for various parts of the construction. We regularly put scrap wood at the curb side out front for folks to take free, but anything in the storage is out of sight and obviously being kept for a purpose.
So pissy little BIL shows up regularly and asks if he can "borrow" a couple pieces of wood. DH will not say no to him "gotta help folks out" is his constant response. It's actually that he doesn't know how to set boundaries with his family. So tonight he walks right in our front door without knocking while DH is in the shower and I'm standing there in my skivvies, and says Oh I've been up to your storage and taken some planks I need for,tomorrow...I immediately responded "which planks, we actually have everything in the store earmarked for something we're doing". He says, oh I'll replace the wood. I was livid but I don't dare cause a fight over it.
So when DH finally phoned him later it turns out he took a scaffold that DH had built specially to reach our 2-storey high windows and it took him a whole day to get it right. DH was seething but still didn't say anything to bro who has torn it apart because he wanted a length of 2x4. There is a lumber hard near where he lives.
I feel like going over to their place and just start loading stuff into the car, saying oh we need to borrow this...my objection is that I am paying half the bills for our construction, so when BIL freeloads off us he is actually stealing from me. It's not just wood, it's anything he or his wife want to take it seems. Is this a hill worth dying on?
Yes, I think it is.
Yes, I think it is. You are paying for these materials, so you have a right to decide what happens to them. I can't believe BIL would actually dismantle something just to use one piece of wood!
Can you put a lock on the storage shed? I would do that, and start keeping the doors to your house locked as well.
You’re right
I am so sick of these two sponging off us. If they come around (they never call first) and we don't answer the door, they starting looking in all the windows! Once we were in the ground floor bedroom when the wife came to the window and knocked! I was sorry we weren't doing something nasty to,give her a shock...
I told DH tonight I'm going to tell his bro to keep his paws off the supplies because it's my cost too. DH doesn't want to rock the boat, but I guess I'm just going to have to show him how normal folks set boundaries. I'm sure they have no idea how pissed off he gets at them. I really don't care if they react badly. They're not people I care to please. They just keep pushing the boundaries of privacy and consideration and sorry I'm near retirement and cannot afford to keep losing money through stolen items.
The window coverings installer came today, and I had him reverse the up down blinds so we can pull them up when we want privacy from these people. I'm also locking the front door so they stop walking in. Problem is, DH is not used to locking doors since we live in a low crime area...so naive in my opinion.
Lock for the shed is a good idea, but DH will be a hard sell on that. As a guy who succeeded out of poverty, he likes to be seen as generous. I think he's just an easy mark.
Invest in a keypad door lock
Invest in a keypad door lock with wifi access. I have one at a property I use for airbnb and I can lock the door from an app on my phone and it sends me notifications.
"You will NOT " borrow" it. I
"You will NOT " borrow" it. I PAID for it and didn't buy it so you can just help yourself. Kindly put it back where you found it IMMEDIATELY. You will be receiving a bill this week for all the other stuff you "borrowed"."
The fact that your dh is a doormat to his family doesn't mean you have to be too. Let the moocher know where he stands.
I would be absolutely livid!
I would be absolutely livid!
I would also be pissed that my DH didn't have the balls to say anything.
There is a difference between
There is a difference between being generous and being a doormat. No matter how low crime a location you live in if a door is unlocked people tend to allow themselves in. Your DH should start telling baby bro "That pile is what you can pull from." and lock up the rest. That's not being hurful and it's still "being generous". As for looking in your windows call the cops about an intruder next time and let your nosey intrusive BIL and SIL explain that to the cops.
The classic spouse who doesn’t wanna rock the boat
With their family so they suck it up completely oblivious or turn a blind eye to the fact its a serious lack of disrespect and boundaries.
i had this with my inlaws, the result is i made it very clear to hubby we don't have family gatherings at home because if he refused to address ongoing issues with 1 adult niece and her family and refused to not invite her because its singling her out and would cause famoly drama then there would be no invite at all.
install a lock on the shed with or without hubbys permission and make it clear from now on, bil isn't freeloading off at your expense. If hubby wants to be generous, he can reimburse you for your half share that you're contributing
there was a follower here who's idiot husband repeatedly gave money to his adult sd mooching off of him. So she withdrew 10times the amount.
so if sd wanted grocery bills paid for as she spent all her money on crap and daddy was dumb enough to buy redbull and porterhouse or striploin premium cuts of beef and bill came to $300, well stepmum withdrew $3000 out of hubbys acct to teach him a lesson.
you need your husband to start fearibg upsetting you more over mooching bil!! Sadly this tends to be the most effective way of dealing with it.
This sounds like one of those
This sounds like one of those situations where the SP needs to be assertive because their partner simply can't or won't.
OP, I hope you do present BIL with a bill when you draw that boundary. These aren't the sort of people you need in your life, anyway.
Update
So, it is unusual that we fight. Last evening just before bed, I told DH that if he didn't say something to his bro today, that I would be calling him directly about it. I told DH that besides all their nosiness which bugs him too, that I was not prepared to fund BIL's home renovation. I went off to work this morning without saying goodbye.
i had honestly forgotten all about it and came home tonight. First thing out of DH's mouth was...I told bro to get to the lumber yard today and bring back 8m of good quality 2x4 which is what he "borrowed" yesterday. Apparently bro brought it right over but I haven't been out there to check.
I'm sure DH must have made me out to be a total beotch to get him to do that, but you know it actually feels good to have gotten the message across. I can just imagine all the drama from SIL and BIL next time we see them but I'd rather have a rep as a tightwad pussywhipper than a pushover. Funny how guilty parties always make the person who is right, look like the bad guy. I just wish they'd stop coming around so much!
oh, and thank you each for your supportive comments. It gave me the courage of the righteous!
WIN!
He'll think twice next time. And if they come gawping at your windows, you call the cops IMMEDIATELY because you have a prowler problem.
Not to be a Debbie Downer,
Not to be a Debbie Downer, but do check to verify the replacement lumber is there. You applied pressure on your conflict-avoidant H - make sure he did indeed choose making you happy over being his brother's B.
Yikes
Yikes
It sounds that DH needs to grow some balls.
smh
Reopening the case
I had a chance to check the wood store this morning, and sure enough, he's returned only the original scaffold we built to reach our 2 storey vault space. It was made of 2x4 screwed triple width to form a secure platform we could keep in the garage and use whenever we wanted to get up high to clean or paint etc. Problem is, he took all the original screws out, used the lumber for lord only knows what, left the pieces covered in white paint splashes, and randomly screwed it back together. It is no longer fit to use. No new lumber as promised by DH.
So now at least I have good reason to justify locks on the store. Thanks Exjuliemccoy for the cynical but correct advice. It just rots my socks to be funding BIL's greed. Time to get businesslike with DH. Up to now, we've had a high level of mutual trust on the house project, but this is my life savings at 60, I can't replace any losses.
Lumber prices where we live are sky high and getting worse.
I'd be inclined to bill him
I'd be inclined to bill him for all the other stuff he's helped himself to as well. What a sponger!