Dad’ll do it!
We haven't had many problems with BM -- not compared to some horror stories I've read/heard. Other than her spoiling SS11 rotten, it's fine. She and H communicate well and are flexible when needed. Lately, though, there's been an annoying trend. Assumptions and promises made to SS -- without asking H.
SS is in his last year of elementary school and there's a big end-of-year trip to a theme park a few hours away. Apparently, SS said something to BM, she said "oh, I'm sure your dad will go," then put H's name down as volunteering to chaperone. Without asking or even telling. It came from SS. "You're going with us. Mom said you would and put your name on the form." H had to contact the teacher to tell her to take his name off. (They had plenty of parents so no problem or guilt trips.)
Then it was SS's family's turn to man the scoreboard at Little League and since it was her week, it was her job. She texted H that she was on a new medication that made it hard to concentrate so would we do it instead. Fine. We did it. But she was capable of driving a car and working, so... We didn't really have a reason to say no but it rankled as it felt like she just didn't want to do it and pushed it onto us.
Several months ago, SS got his hair colored blue. Not just a temporary color but full-on bleach and coloring at a salon. H agreed to it and took him, ending up spending half his Saturday (never having had our hair colored neither of us knew how long it would take). Well, the color is mostly gone and SS is in desperate need of a cut. This Sunday, SS comes back from BM's and says, "When are we getting my hair colored? I want it rose gold. Mom said that sounded good and you'd take me."
Well, first off, she didn't ask H if he had the time or inclination to spend hours of his week going through that again. Second, it's almost summer and SS swims a lot, which would wash out the color pretty fast (waste). Spring break at a water park did a number on the old color. And, most importantly, H doesn't think SS should get it dyed like that again any time soon as he read online that full dyeing isn't good for kids, especially pre-puberty. He's going to tell him no, but it's going to be a drama.
He's starting to get ticked off and so am I. Apparently, when they were married, she was presumptuous about H taking care of things. I hadn't noticed it much but am starting to see an uptick now. Plus, she's roping SS in to it. If it keeps up, he's going to have a conversation with her. Hopefully it was just a couple of odd instances.
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Our BM did this also. The
Our BM did this also. The only way to break her of it is to tell her no then explain to SS how inappropriate and rude it is for someone to volunteer or make plans for you without asking. This is a life skill SS will need to learn about. One, so he doesn't do it to anyone and Two so BM can't twist it to PAS with. This will have to ge ongoing lessons and a strict reminder from DH that this is no longer tolerated. Boundaries people, boundaries! ( they save lives and marriages)
1000x this!
1000x this!
Rose Gold + chlorine pool water equals Green Hair.
Your DH needs to set boundaries with BM and SS. If your SS wants a different colored hair, go buy Kool-aid packets and use that. He will get very bright vibrate colors and it is not harmful as hair dye. Go online and there are many instructions for kool-aid for hair. Buy the little brat a bunch of colors and send it with him to his moms and let her dye his hair. Fair warned, kool-aid will stain EVERYTHING when wet.
So true. I told H to tell SS
So true. I told H to tell SS he could use that "hair chalk" stuff or something like that (purchased with his own money or by BM). But no fancy dyeing.
It's funny how these BMs
It's funny how these BMs enjoy their CS, and at the same time assume Dad has all kinds of time and money.
We took SD to the salon once for a puple hair and it cost eighty bucks and took four hours. After that I used Splat on her but we had to dye it blonde first and she whined that the blonde dye was itchy while it was on her head. Then she got purple dye all over the towels. Give me a break. That was the last time. These kids are so entitled.
Just say No, it's being denied is part of life.
Well, one advantage of BM
Well, one advantage of BM thinking DH is mostly incompetent is that she doesn't do this!
Wait, he's 11 and getting his
Wait, he's 11 and getting his full hair dyed?? I'm assuming he's not paying for that, so did DH? And then he thinks he can just keep getting it colored?? I didn't start paying for that for myself until the grays took over and I needed to cover them. And even then I did it myself for a few years because I didn't want to spend the money. I'm 45. An 11yr old doesn't need their hair dyed professionally!
I would be absolutely livid if Crazy tried to volunteer DH for things, but sounds like you have a little better relationship with BM than we do...
Oh yeah, DH paid for it. It
Oh yeah, DH paid for it. It would never occur to SS he would have to pay for it - or the value of money. We don't generally buy him things outside of Christmas and birthday but his mom is constantly getting him things. He's on his third iPad, fourth Switch and she just bought him a Kindle. He wants, he gets.
Spoiled and no consequences.
Spoiled and no consequences. What could go wrong? We also rarely buy skids things outside of holidays (and then DH goes way overboard), but on Monday when they came by us I had bought them each something as a thank you for doing their chores for the past month or so without even being asked (that was a huge challenge, we always had to tell SS especially). I got SS a hoodie that was actually really cheap on sale, and SD a super fuzzy blanket. Then all of this stuff with SS happened, and it almost makes me regret it. SS didn't do his chore at all last night after DH yelled at him. It almost feels like we don't want to buy them things and spoil them because Crazy overcompensates for being a bipolar, manipulative parent by buying them things- she just bought SS a PS5 after she tried kicking him out of the house.
This is very simple to address
Message to bio mum from your husband/partner that says:
"please be advised that in future you do not dictate what happens with our household and our time which means putting my name down for volunteering etc.
if there are any extracurricular activities requiring my attendance or possible volunteering, our son or his school can notify me.
going forward, any activities which you volunteer me for without my permission or consultation beforehand will be ignored and our son will be advised that it was because his mother rudely put my name down without my permission and had no right to"
ET did similar. The kids
ET did similar. The kids would show up every visit with a list of things for DH to do or get. I'm not sure ET ever promised those things to the kids directly, but she definitely let them be the messenger for when they needed something (that should have been covered by her/CS).
A good script for DH to use with SS:
"SS, did you ask me if I would do this? Did I tell you that I would do this? No. Unless you and I talk about and you hear me say yes don't assume that the answer is yes. Your mom doesn't speak for me. Understand?"
And to BM:
"Stop telling SS that I will do things without talking to me about it first. I am going to start telling him no. I am going to tell him that you don't speak on my behalf. I will not be made out to be the bad guy in these situations. So stop now."
BM likely won't stop, but your DH can at least be honest with his son. My DH started doing that, and it actually resulted in the kids calling ET out from time to time.