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Surprise! He doesn't communicate, AGAIN.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Submitted by Shieldmaiden on Sat, 04/09/2022 - 11:02am

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About a month ago, I got an invitation online from DH's sister, for her baby shower. I saw that it was early afternoon on a Saturday, and since I work on Saturdays and I am out of time-off (due to a covid-scare) until later in the year...I explained I wouldn't be able to come. I asked DH if he was going, and he said "I don't know. I will have to think about it." This usually means he will forget about it and then claim he didn't get the invitation, etc. I said "We should get them a nice gift, because they really helped us out when we were moving." He agreed, and we discussed inviting them over for dinner to give them the gift, since we couldn't make it. 

So late last night, he gets a call from SD16 and SD18, saying they are at BM's and need a ride to their aunt's baby shower. He accepts, saying he will pick them up and take them over. This morning, realizing he will need the car all day, and will likely drop me off and pick me up at work - I ask him why the skids are going to the party so late - its almost evening. He says he is going, too, and when he picks me up from work, we will all head there at dinnertime. I ask him "I wasn't planning on going because it starts at 1 pm, and they don't usually last til 7 pm? So.....I am confused. Also, he is going? When did he decide this? He doesn't even have a gift yet?  

Long story short, he was likely guilted into going by the skids, who needed a ride and will want to stay late into the night to play with their little cousin, who is 5.. Now he wants me to come to a party after a long day of work, when he knows I have social anxiety, because he feels awkward. Also, I can't rely on his info as being correct, so I texted his sister to ask if that is ok. I don't want to show up as everyone is leaving and she is tired. I really hate parties and crowds and sometimes I get panic attacks. I am really annoyed with him as this is not the first time he has sprung things like this on me at the last minute. He claims he told me "WE" were going. Once again, NOT TRUE. 

I told him I would go, not for HIM, but because I owe a debt to his sister and her husband for helping us, and I told him to make sure to get them a decent present. ( I am at work without a car so I can't shop for a gift today.) If I have a panic attack I will sit in the car until I am able to go back inside. Am I being an A hole? 

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 04/09/2022 - 5:11pm

Though there is an asshole in this story.  The asshole is not you.

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Sat, 04/09/2022 - 1:24pm

If DH is home all day with the car, and he's picking up his daughters, there's no reason he can't get them there for the 1PM starting time. I say he and daughters go at 1PM and you Uber home.

Have SIL and husband over for dinner later and give them a nice present. Don't rely on him picking one out. They deserve it-- both for helping with the move and dealing with his 'we'll show up after the people who came on time have left' attitude.

(Years ago we did a family Christmas party every year. I learned to put ending times on the invitation after we still had company at 3am.)

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Sun, 04/10/2022 - 4:50pm

Late to the party, but you are definitely NTA. 

I also have social anxiety. There is NO WAY I would have been manipulated into going and your H is a poopie head for pulling that on you. HE feels awkward. Boo-fackin-hoo. HIS kids, HIS sister. Pffffft. 

Next time (and I'm sure there will be a next time), put you and your mental health first. {{hugs}}

SeeYouNever's picture

Submitted by SeeYouNever on Mon, 04/11/2022 - 11:04am

He's going to the party after you get off work so that it seems like it's all your fault they're late. It was set up so not only do you look like an asshole but you will also feel miserable after a long day of work. 

These men like to martyr themselves by making it look like they're trying to please everyone but what they're actually doing is trying to avoid any blame falling on themselves.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Mon, 04/11/2022 - 11:52am

His sister will see right through him. You already explained your situation to her. She knows her brother. 

dragonfly878's picture

Submitted by dragonfly878 on Mon, 04/11/2022 - 1:16pm

The probelm is that the two of you made plans but then once he spoke with his other wives *daughters* things changed. He should not have agreed to anything without speaking with you, first. I would hammer that point home because otherwise it will continue to happen over and over again. 

If it were me- I'd skip it. You already gave her an explanation of why you couldn't go- let him deal with the gift, lack of gift, his daughters, etc. thats the mess he made he can navigate it.

Shieldmaiden's picture

Submitted by Shieldmaiden on Mon, 04/11/2022 - 5:05pm

So, I reluctantly agreed to to SIL's baby shower. DH agreed to buy a gift and pick me up so we could all go together. When DH shows up to pick me up, Sd's are not in the car. He says they caught a ride with their older sister, Sd20, to the shower. He has not gotten a gift. He says it's my choice if I want to go, but since they have a ride, it's not necessary. I am relieved, and we pick up a pizza on the way home. When we get home, he takes the pizza in and leaves the car running. I thought this was odd so I ask if he is going to run to the store or something? 

He looks at me like I am confused, and says no, he is dropping me off and he is going to go to the baby shower. I then get really confused and a bit angry, because I feel like I have just been manipulated. We fight, and he makes it out like I am the one who is at fault because I ask if he manipulated me so he could go without me. I suspect he found out out his oldest daughter was going to be there, and since she hates me, he didn't want us both to be there. While I was not thrilled she'd be there, I would never start a fight or ruin my SIL's baby shower. His daughter, however, might. So, I felt very numb for day or so, while I tried to put it behind me. I still feel very hurt, but I will deal with it. Dh is very lovey and apologetic now but dear God! Am I overreacting? Or was that nuts?

Shieldmaiden's picture

Submitted by Shieldmaiden on Mon, 04/11/2022 - 5:11pm

Oh, and I forgot to mention that he left after our fight and went to the baby shower without me. He told them he had back pain, but then stayed for 2.5 hours. I don't know what to tell the sd's when they ask why I didn't come? Also, it's clear he felt well enough to go, so wha5 should I tell my SIL? From now on, we are putting these dates on a calendar and he is going to sign off on them, in writing. 

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Wed, 04/13/2022 - 3:06pm

SIL -- I would not worry about it. You already told her you were working and would not be at the 1 pm shower. If SIL has further questions refer her to DH.

Do what you originally planned to do. Buy them a nice gift and have them to dinner. And do it at a time the SDs will not be around.

SDs -- if they ask, say your invitation specified a 1 pm party and you were working at that time. 

Shieldmaiden's picture

Submitted by Shieldmaiden on Fri, 04/22/2022 - 11:44am

DH still hasn't bought them anything. I bought 3 nice gifts off their registry, and I plan to invite them to dinner soon and watch DH's face look surprised as I bring out the presents. I also let it slip in family therapy with SD 18 what REALLY HAPPENED and why I got ditched from the baby shower. SD told the therapist that DH was being weird and evasive when she called to ask why we were late. She said he told her we weren't coming, but then told her sister he was coming, 5 minutes later when she called. I think the SD and therapist caught on to his little game, and now I have SD on my side, so I don't have to look like a liar when I explain and apologize for not coming.