Bratty wants therapy
SO mentioned at dinner last night that Bratty texted asking him to confirm that she was off of his insurance. Apparently she is freeloading health insurance as Nutter GF's domestic partner, and tried to schedule therapy through Nutter's mental health coverage. It is through the same provider that SO's insurance uses and they told her she couldn't use Nutter's plan until she was off SO's coverage. He is going to call today to straighten things out but lamented that Bratty doesn't communicate what is going on in their life.
Bratty and SO went from ridiculously long phone calls of 2-3 hours each every 2-3 weeks to really nothing except superficial texts since Bratty and Nutter moved in together. He said he is letting Bratty drive how frequently they communicate. I finally told him that was not a good thing. He should be modeling healthy parent-child relationship practices and that means some amount of regular communication. He said yeah that's probably right and he'll start asking for more time with Bratty.
As for the therapy, she really needs it so I'm glad she's getting help. My guess is post-bacc 2.0 is going no better than post-bacc 1.0 did and she is coping with the reality that her doctor dreams may not happen. At any rate, SO's lazy parenting style isn't helping his child either. I do think he is scared of asking Bratty anything. I don't get why these Dads fight so hard for their kids but don't actually parent them. I mean, it's not even the lack of phone calls. He doesn't plan any visits with Bratty either. It's like they've almost ghosted each other.
I almost feel sorry for Bratty - no real guidance as she navigates her young adulthood. But of course....not my circus, not my monkey.
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You have a good heart
Ya know regardless of all of Brattys shenanigans you still feel bad for her. You are empathetic, such a good quality. These skids often fail to recognize or give a SM a chance to build a relationship. Especially skids from a toxic BM who would benefit from the SM.
Just a fleeting thought. Do you think Bratty will amp up prior to your wedding? To put DH's attention on her? I prob think this is not the case. I am just sharing a thought.
Not sure
I don't really think she is amping up due to our wedding. My gut says it's the reality of not being med school material. As a narc she can't deal with disappointment and probably feels shame since she's been bragging for years to anyone who would listen that she was going to be a doctor. So now has to cope with public failure.
Thanks
So I’m going to rant a bit
So I’m going to rant a bit about the communication thing mentioned in your post. My parents never reach out to me or ask me how I am doing in my life. I have to contact them and check in on them, even when I do they never ask about me. They complain to other family and friends about not being invited out to dinner with me and my DH, but they never invite us out with them. I make it a point to stop by and see them weekly and sit and chat with them for about an hour. I also invite them to every family event (birthdays, anniversaries, holidays), but the invitation is never extended back. My brother and his wife are praised for doing the bare minimum to communicate with my parents and my mother loves to tell me pointedly “Your brother called to ask how we are.” Mmhmmm yes and I’m sitting right here talking to you, but I guess that isn’t good enough. I am throwing them a very elegant anniversary dinner this week (per their demands) and I have a feeling all the effort, time and money I have spent will fall flat because it does not meet their “expectations”. I am so sick and tired of these parents who sit around and wait for their children to cater to them. Be a f@cking proactive adult and put in the damn effort! If I want to talk with my kids I go talk to them, why the f@ck does the boomer generation play these asinine games with their kids? My parents do it and I resent it so much because it’s so f@cking childish.
Completely dysfunctional
It's annoying to witness. I don't get it either.
advice.only2
Dang that must hurt, yet here you are the "good" one and all your efforts are in vain. That happened to me with my folks. Sometimes I think they take for granted that you are the one who will always be there. The less involved child gets their ass kissed because the parents want so badly for the less involved one to be more involved. Much like the guilty daddios with their poor wretched skids .
I am not even sure if it is a boomer thing, more a dysfunctional thingy across all generations.
Keep being you though. Never regret being a good person.
Blessings
You are right it is unfair to
You are right it is unfair to claim just one generation in this, so I retract that statement. I don't know if I am the good one, or just the one who lives near them so I do all the things expected. My brother and his wife are very tolerant and forgiving of my parents and all the things they say and do, whereas I have put up boundaries in the past couple of years. I'm sure that's where this comes from, but it's still a stupid f@cking game and I hate it.
Isn't that always the way though?
Chef's oldest half bro has 1 daughter from his first marriage and two sons from his 2nd. His youngest son who is drama personified and is always mooching off of his dad is the one that "Seasoned Citizen" is always bragging about. He never talks about his other 2 well adjusted grown children. He will probably leave all his inheritance to him as well.
My parents treat my sister like some sort of goddess. She married a succession of sugar daddies, she brags about being the first one to go to college, yet she works as a part-time school bus driver making 18 Grand a year.
My paternal grandmother favored my uncle, his wife and my cousins even though they did virtually nothing for her in her older years, whereas we were there helping her personally. While we were there helping her she would brag on them and my mother finally said basically "what are we, chopped liver?"
To me there is a pattern of favoring the younger child aka the baby of the family but there are variations of that.
I believe this is the pattern for centuries, so non generational and will continue to be that way
I recently just exed my
I recently just exed my father out. He loves me, would call me often, BUT he is NEVER there for us. Until he can REALLY see that I just can't anymore. I think a lot has to do with my stepmom. Years of drug abuse she has the body of a 90 year old at 60 and she does have this weird jealous thing. Idk.
Anyways.. BM said (this is a direct quote) "my therapist said if the kids don't want to come to my house anymore then I won't make them." She took that and ran with it. Those kids haven't even been over there for a dinner in over 4 years now. 11,13 and 14 when that happened.
She made that decision when she was 38 years old. Because the kids (I guess?) don't make an effort she doesn't. Pretty f'n' sad. She's just the type the world revolves her and only her. That's it.
Same Here
We have similar DHs in that area. The only time his kids would call was when they needed help or money. So, these days, now that the ATM has closed, he rarely hears from them directly. He'll call them once a month and enjoys a group text they set up. Nothing personal or deep on either. He has one son local that has gone 6 months without calling/texting his dad. He lives 20 minutes from our home. SMH
Like you, I feel sorry for DHs kids. They weren't well equipped to enter adulthood. I've finally reached a place where I can be empathetic towards them and realize, they were doing with what they were equipped with. Unfortunately, it was like dealing with 5 perpetual 13 year olds. And I've learned my lesson. As you said, not my monkeys.
Life throws us some stuff.
Yep
She was never parented or guided because SO felt guilty. Always tiptoed around her behavior and never challenged her. So no surprise she is immature and struggles with adulting. I can be empathetic but like you plan to stay disengaged.