SD Receives Same Gifts for V-Day
Hello everyone,
I'm new here to this forum. Grateful for this commonplace to talk, vent and help one another. *smile*
My issue: My SD is 18 yo as of this January and is still in school. She has only been living with us since she was 16, due to toxic environment at her mother's. She has not seen/stayed with her mother since September and does not desire to see/talk to her mother. Other than school and when she works part-time, she is ALWAYS WITH US.
My husband and I have been married for 6 1/2 years, living in our own home for 3 years. Previously, my SD would stay in the guest bedroom that I furnished when she would visit bi-weekly. Now, it is her room. Of course, having her here unexpectedly has been quite an adjustment and has taken away pretty much all privacy. It's been a struggle on many levels: attitude, push-back, avoidance, laziness, etc.
Over the weekend, my husband came home with 12 long-stemmed, red roses and a big box of chocolates with a card for me. Then I realized he had the exact same thing for my SD, only the roses were hot pink. I had to trim/prune both bouquets and put them in vases, which I don't mind except, I was annoyed that it was the same. Normally and in the past, my husband has bought me unique things (though not needing to be expensive) jewelry and such, and she would get something small with a card. Last year, he didn't buy her anything at all, I DID - a thing of chocolates with a large, plush, poseable rose. I am not at all against getting a little something for her for V-Day, obviously. But when we both got the same thing, (color is not of significance at this point) I was taken back, because wouldn't it have made sense to maybe give her a single rose or small box of chocolates - something to continue the unique expressions of love between us? I felt some type of way, though grateful, it was different this time and for me, romantic love, especially between husband and wife, is outwardly expressed much differently than familial. So why would we get the SAME stuff? Not only that, before she saw the flowers and chocolates, her boyfriend and her were in the living room with my husband after just arriving, and she saw my flowers and commented, "Awwww someone got roses!" Them proceeded to hang all over her father and say, "What did you get me for Valentine's Day, daddy?" While giggling and groping him. I told her right there, "Why don't you ask your boyfriend?" "Your dad's not your valentine; you have one right there." My husband didn't think it was nice, but I was being well, half serious in how I said it. For this very reason, I explained to my husband that she comes to EXPECT something more and you just leveled-up the playing field!!!
I tried to explain to him that I didn't think he meant ill by his gestures but that the thought should've been present to think of how he would present to his wife apart from his daughter. I tried to give an example, that what if I took out my 26 year old son to eat at a nice restaurant for V-Day, and I did the exact same thing for him? Wouldn't that just be at least a little weird?! I am very intentional about how I love and all that I do to express it, especially on "LOVE" Day, ya know?
Am I alone here? Thanks.
I'd have a big issue with my
I'd have a big issue with my husbands daughter being on the same level as his wife. I have no advice but I'm pissed for you.
That's how it felt....
....like there was no distinction. Like I wasn't worthy enough of a special gesture between lovers. I've never seen him so this before and thought it was excessive and inconsiderate, especially with her being 18 years old, having her own boyfriend. Her asking my husband where "hers" amplified my passed level.
Repost without typos....
like there was no distinction. Like I wasn't worthy enough of a special gesture between lovers. I've never seen him do this before and thought it was excessive and inconsiderate, especially with her being 18 years old, having her own boyfriend. Her asking my husband where's "hers" amplified my pissed level.
HUN
My ex DH did the same, but he one upped your DH. Ex SD got the more expensive flashier V day gifts than I. Yep killed me inside slowly. Not only did he put SD on the wife level, he raised her higher. I actually told him well then go F her instead, this is humiliating. That was nasty of me to say, and apologized later. He just laughed at me and told me I was insanely jealous.
Whenever your DH equalizes you to SD, he is actually lowering your status of wife. So we cant even say equal. Painful, heart crushing, life sucking sickness.
This needs to be addressed and more importantly dealt with. The sad pathetic part that as the wife we have to explain it to them. Like WTF???
I will never understand this sickness. It makes the DH look pathetic and the SD gets a false sense of self. These spoiled SD's will never have a happy relationship cause no one but daddio will ever worship her like him. Its a drug between the emotional incestual duo, they just cant get enough of eachother. EWWWWW Their needs fed off eachother. His need to be needed and her need to be worshipped.
Haha...what would happen if you groped her boyfriend and asked t
A smart gift ok. But in no way shape or form should a daughter get any roses for Vday. ( The plush on is ok as cute and like a teddy bear or something). Roses of any color are considered a romantic gift especially in the traditional dozen format.
No dear not cool! Why is she groping her father? In front of his wife and her boyfriend. What did her boyfriend get her? In no way should daddy have gotten her anything after that display of groping.
No other person in DH life should get same level gifts as you. He's not having sex with any other person right.
I once was cleaning out a boyfriend closet and found a valentine's rose he's given his mother. Yup you guessed it red g string underwear rose with a funny note towards his mother.( That he kept for YEARS before I found It) THAT was a before breakup discussion. This said boyfriend also had inherited two large garbage cans filled with seventies porn from his dad eew gross( Only know quantity in garbage cans because I threw them out). I liked him so I waited until found the second infraction(the rose) before breaking up.
Exactly!
That's what I said too! It was just really off-putting and sad really. I've been really upset since Sunday. The whole weekend was a wash with different factors, but Sunday broke the camel's back.
That's crazy about your EX!!!! Just wow! Glad you're not with him anymore!
This is just lack of effort
This is just lack of effort on his part. Nothing makes a woman feel special than getting the exact same thing as another woman. SD probably didn't love getting the same exact thing as her stepmom either.
Agreed
There was definitely a lapse in judgment there. My husband is a good man all around, really. This just really took me by surprise. The boyfriend is fairly new too, with this being their first V-Day.
Ew
This would p*ss me off.
Frankly it sounds like your DH is trying to show off or one-up the BF. And SD likes the 'competition' over her. Gross all around.
Interesting
I never thought of that! It's possible!
So gross! Why on earth would
So gross! Why on earth would a man buy his daughter a Valentine's Day present,???
Where's the vomit emoji??
A small token...
....of love is fine like a lil box chocolates for her, but yeah, that gesture was over the top. Talked to my mom about it, just to check myself and she agreed that she should not have really gotten anything. He said to me, "I don't judge the way you spend time with your son or give gifts." I said, "It's Valentine's Day not Christmas, or a birthday!" Like HELLO! Smh
You're too nice. This is not
You're too nice. This is not ok. I would have said, "Well if we are treated the same, I don't f$%^ you anymore."
I'm all for getting kids,
I'm all for getting kids, friends, family, etc a gift for V-Day. I know it's supposed to be "lover's day", but it's always nice to show those you love that you do, in fact, love and think about them.
However, a dozen long-stemmed roses? The exact same gift you give your wife you also give your daughter? It's either creepy because one is for your kid or thoughtless because one is for your wife.
Has he been acting any other sort of weird ways towards SD? I don't mean in a "is he lusting after her?" sort of way. We've seen many times on this site as particularly daughters get to be young adults and start dating that their dads lose all their senses and start behaving weirdly. Whether it's flashing back to how he objectified women in his younger days, or remembering that teenagers are horn dogs, or just getting the realization that their daughter is going out into the world where all the real creeps and weirdos are, something snaps and they start acting like doting husbands to their daughters. Perhaps they're doing it to show their daughters how they should be treated, or they were never taught how to interact with women who weren't their mother or their lover so they fall into "lover" habits - who knows. But it happens, and it's hurtful to the wife whether that wife is bio mom or not.
This is the time to keep speaking up. If he doesn't seem to know how to navigate having a young adult daughter, call him out on how he treats her and offer some better advice as an adult woman yourself. If this was just a thoughtless act, explain how you like getting gifts, but not when it's a 2-for-1 special on a day where you put individualized thought and effort into his gift. It doesn't have to be a fight, but definitely should be a conversation, which sounds like you've either already had or are still having.
Any way you slice it, I think your feelings are valid. He doesn't sound like a bad husband, unless there is more you aren't sharing. He just sounds like he didn't think things through or that he's having trouble coming to terms with his daughter growing up. Keep being the voice of reason.
Thank you
He is a really good man. However, now I am wondering if he is "freaking out" in some way about his daughter. They are very close. I honestly don't know if it was to show the bf how to treat her, or if it was a "2 for 1", but I am relieved to feel validated for my feelings/perceptions. I do hold myself accountable before saying things. He makes me feel guilty and wrong for voicing these things by saying I "make him feel like $#%@." I am not really interacting with him much right now as I am just really hurt. On actual Valentine's Day, he never acknowledged a post I put on social media, nor did he post anything to me like he normally would. He said he didn't see it, but he had posted on there afterwards something unrelated, so I find it hard to believe. When he got home, I figured we'd get something to eat since my SD was out with her bf, instead he made himself something and retreated upstairs without a kiss "hello" or "goodnight." What a way to reinforce his careless, selfish behaviors. I have had enough. I'm not putting up with my SD crap or his anymore. I'm done being silent. I'm done being tolerable and ignoring my needs. Things will have to change if he wants to stay happily married.
Umm it's ikcy in my opinion.
Umm it's ikcy in my opinion. I had a boss who got all the office managers flowers for valentines day, it was actually very nice. He got his co-boss long stem red roses and a big box of chocolates...yeah that was weird. The next day before the other boss came in he told me he probably shouldn't have given her the roses and chocolates because that's more something a spouse or lover should do. I was like yeah, a few daisys in a cup would have been co-worker acceptable, long stem red roses and chocolates was not.
This whole thing has forced
This whole thing has forced me to re-evaluate both relationships and the dynamics of our household. Maybe his careless decision was a blessing in disguise. Either way, change is inevitable because I can't see things the same way after this.
I literally just jumped on ST
I literally just jumped on ST just now after DH had stopped back home to drop off flowers that he had bought for SD17 and cant believe I saw our post. SD17 is here on Wednesday nights so he got her belated flowers for VDay. Here's my past stories involving Vday:
The first Valentines day when we were dating he bought me a huge gorgeous bouquet of roses. He picked them up from the florist and as he was driving home with them they tipped over and some broke. He was wanting to impress me (it being our first Vday together) so he actually went back and got another bouquet for me and gave his daughter the first one (minus the roses that broke). This was also the first Vday since he had split with his ex. So what happened is he set the bar high for her right from the beginning. I had to watch him give her a dozen (usually red) roses, cards, balloons chocolates and an occasional stuffed animal for the past 6 years.
Meanwhile the first year we were married he actually hid my flowers in the shower and pulled them out after she had gone to bed so she wouldn't see them! I have always gotten more than her (he usually buys me at least 2 bouquets) but still it has always bothered me that he has gone so over the top. I thought maybe this year since she has a boyfriend he was going to stop. But nope he got her a dozen roses again! At least they are yellow. Meanwhile her boyfriend only got her a 1/2 dozen. I told him he should not do more than he did but he obviously didn't listen.
The sad reality is that SD probably doesn't even care if she gets flowers from DH. I know at that age all I cared about was what my boyfriend got me not my dad! (Oh and I did get Vday gifts from my dad when I was young but he stopped when I was in highschool. But I would only get a tiny box of choclates and maybe one flower while my mom got the bouquet and the big box. He was showing me that he loved me but that my mom trumped me in the romantic department!)
He hid the flowers
Ya know and while this is happening we try to explain it away to ourselves. At first it is ok I get this, what a good dad, a good person etc that he cares about SD's fee fees. As time passes we begin to realize just how flawed this whole dang dynamic is. Ginger your DH is a super DH compared to my ex of a mess. BUT this has to make you feel pretty shitty, like expressing their love to you is like a dirty lil secret.
On the outside looking in when we ask a friend or a sister their mouths would drop. WHY would he need to hide his WIFE's V day flowers. Like hellooo V day is for love.
So glad super daddio bought a bigger and better present for SD than the bf. Afterall big daddio has to prove he loves her more, can offer more. He desperately wants to stay her superstar. Its his ego. A dysfunctional ego, but it is what it is. You are right SD probably couldnt care less about flowers from daddio.
Blessings
He was soooo worried that SD
He was soooo worried that SD would be upset about us being married, living together etc that he probably thought she would be jealous. Thank God he doesn't do this crap anymore! And yeah he made a comment about like "Well I'm her daddy so I'm going to do more" or something to that effect. I think if they are still together next Vday and by then she will be 18 he may not give her flowers. I may suggest he back off on giving them on Vda and mabe swtich to giving her some on her bday.
If the SD cares about the flowers you got a different problem
That is the beginning of disaster. That is the SD whi sits on daddy's lap and is completely inappropriate.
Oh no no no. Hid the flowers? Nope. That is setting up for failure right there.
My SD has never sat on DH's
My SD has never sat on DH's lap. I mean mabe when she was very little and years before I met DH....
It just doesn't make sense....
... to go over-the-top like that for the SD. I think some of it is guilt, and even ego as was stated above, especially since she has this steady boyfriend now that is NOT "going away."
I am glad you are getting some validation from my post. You, his wife, should be first. Hiding stuff like that is stupid especially since she'll see it anyway.
Btw, what makes things more interesting, is last Christmas when she was about to be 17, she got him a children's book that starred her and her father called, "[Her Name], You'll Always Be My Little Girl." On the front, is a cartoon illustration of her on her dad's shoulders with a teddy bear. The whole book is like that. Then this Christmas, (she turned 18 in January), she gives him a t-shirt with her face in the front that says, "I ♡ My Daughter." So, at this point, I'm just adding up some things to make an assessment. I know it's hard letting your child grow up, but even I didn't have a relationship with my dad like that and we are may close.
Wow she sounds like a
Wow she sounds like a narcissist!!! I would "accidently' spill bleach on that shirt!!!!
The book and t-shirt stuff is
The book and t-shirt stuff is wierd! I did a sibling book for my children when my youngest was born, but I can't imagine my daughter doing that when she's an older teen! There's something wrong there. That's something a parent would do for a very young (under 7) child, not an almost-young adult doing that for her dad. Sorry, smacks of emotional incest going both ways.
OMG
I love my DD T shirt. Thats just weird.
Wonder if she did that more for you, to get to you than for big daddio. Remember these mini wife SD's put themselves in competition with the SM, and daddio fosters it. Big daddy loves the triangle. Two women fighting for him.
A sick cycle.
Ugh! This is so wrong. Your
Ugh! This is so wrong. Your WIFE is your WIFE and your DAUGHTER your DAUGHTER. Putting them on the same level is just... gross.
I dated this guy when I wa a bit younger who had two teenage daughters fro mhis former marriage. On Valentine's Day, after we'd been dating almost a year, he got me a gold necklace, a dozen red roses, and a huge heart-shaped box of chocolates. Nice, right?
Nope. Not when you buy three identical necklaces, three dozen identical red roses, and three identical boxes of candy and give two of them to your daughters.
Yeah. He didn't last much longer after that.
A small Valentine's gift for your child, sure, why not? A little box of candy or a card or something like that. NOT the exact same thing you get the woman you're sharing a bed with!
Truth!
See! It's not even "what" he gave or the expense, but the fact he did not make you feel special/set apart from them. Yet, they get mad when we confront them about it, saying we make them feel like crap, when in reality, they are the offenders making us feel less than and "like crap!" They need to own it!
Yes, this! As an inside joke,
Yes, this! As an inside joke, DH got me a bottle of my favorite japanese sauce. Also, chocolates and dinner out to my fave mexican restaurant. It was inexpensive, but 100% the thoughtfulness that counted!
DH got SD a small Amazon gift card and a greeting card.
Don't be afraid of speaking
Don't be afraid of speaking up. I have and things are getting better. I wish I had said something the year of the "shower flowers" but I just cried for a bit and dusted myself off. I did speak up and told him not to get her red roses this year becuase her boyfriend had and he actually did listen to me. He also got me for the first year flowers that are my favoirte color (white) becuase he was actually listening to me a couple wekes ago. Also him not rushing over on Vday is a big improvement for him.
Each to their own but I still
Each to their own but I still believe that V Day is for you and your partner, not for you and your kids as well.
For heaven's sake, kids have birthdays, Christmas etc, to get gifts!
So OTT these daddies buying their princesses gifts on V Day. It's weird and inappropriate - plenty of people will disagree with me I'm sure, but I don't care.
Ewww....if Dad had bought me a present on V Day I would have been grossed out!
Well I can top all of you
Well I can top all of you ladies! As I had stated DH had ran to the store on his lunch break to buy SD17 a dozen yellow roses. He dropped them off here quick and went back to work. Well he just came home and asked me to arrange them in a vase! I did just to be nice but WTF??? (Oh and he onl got yellow becuase they were otu of red! Trust me I am telling him next year to not even think about buying her red!)
I had to arrange, snip, prune
I had to arrange, snip, prune hers too, along with mine! When she saw hers I let her know that they didn't come that way, that I had to clip them at the bottom, prune and arrange them in a vase for her. I was so pissed!
Not "had to" - CHOSE to.
Not "had to" - CHOSE to.
It's important to recognize and call out behavior for what it is so you can figure out why you did it.
So, why did you prune a gift from your DH to his daughter? Does he lack hands? Is he left handed and you only had right handed pruning shears? Is he in a cast from wrist to shoulder on both arms?
Your husband is a full-fledged adult. He can watch a YouTube video to learn how to prune flowers, AND THEN he can prune BOTH bouquets since they were HIS gift to you both. If he doesn't want to put in that much effort, then he needs to pay a florist to do it for him.
Your DH's lack for planning and forethought does not make a situation something you "have to" fix. You are his WIFE, not his mother.
100%
I chose to, but also felt I had to because if I didn't, I would be looked at as "petty" or "selfish." But you are right for sure.
Nothing more revolting than a dad treating his miniwife
The same as his actual wife. Basically forcing a fight between them for alpha female status.
my own husband doesn't buy anniversary or valentine gifts for his daughters. Thats an intimate day for your intimate partner. Why would you buy roses and give them to your daughter when it's valentines day for your wife or her birthday or your anniversary with her? Its messed up