Update on SO and the Second Coming
G'day fellow STalkers, it's been a minute. When last I posted I was going through some real soul-searching about my relationship with SO, and whether or not I wanted to continue seeing her.
Well, to give her credit, she has been paying a little more attention to me over the last few months. More phone calls and texts, and more intimacy when I am home. There has been no anomalous activity with the car tracker or the Ring system. Doesn't mean she isn't cheating, but these are encouraging signs. She has made comments about her love "having grown for me" with the way I am taking care of her and her kids, and for my willingness to go along with how she wants to parent them.
SOD-GK (Significant Other Daughter-GrandKid) was recently born, and you would think it was the second coming based on the level of attention and drama from my SO. I knew she would go bonkers over this kid, but she has far surpassed my expectations. Non-stop baby-sitting, frequent visits in our home, and she has also spent the night several times at SOD's (Significant Other - Daughter) place, in spite of the major allergies to the pets there. I have been on the road for work, and have managed to miss most of this stuff.
Given all of the above, I am taking a "wait-and-see" approach with SO. Things are tolerable, but I still have grave concerns over the disruption that SOD-GK will cause. SO expects me to spend a lot of time over at SOD's apartment while she (SO) is baby-sitting, since this is when we could have time together. We would still get a little bit of time at night, but SO has made it clear that she will be with the baby pretty much all day on her days off, and frequently at night. I'm not sure I'm savvy with that.
I have been gradually pulling back from SO, and just trying to imagine life if I move on from her. The good parts have increased lately, but so has the pressure to be "One Happy Family" with SOD and SOD-GK. I would rather just pursue my own interests when I'm home, and let SO have time with SOD-GK, rather than be cooped up in a trashy apartment while SO is baby-sitting, but she really wants me there a lot. I guess I'll just have to see how that goes.
Oh, and not that this is a surprise, but the baby-daddy didn't magically "snap-to" when the baby was born. SOD got pregnant on purpose, thinking she could "baby-trap" the baby-daddy and get him to reform. That, of course, didn't work, and he is still mooching off of all of us, getting his bills paid and doing nothing for the baby. I hope he bounces soon, but that is not likely since he would have to have a new free ride lined up first.
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Comments
Good pathway
Your on a postive pathway. I just dont see your SO prioritising you and the relationship. There will always be something else with skids and grandkids. And SD has it easy now with perma-sitter. She will get pregnant again...
You are probably right, I won
You are probably right, I won't be a priority. But I'm gone so much with my job, I guess I can handle that for now. Once I get off the road, though, it may be a different story. I don't want to be aroudn the baby 24/7. I'm open to having a relationship with him, but I am not the type of person to go "gah-gah" for babies.
You deserve far better, Paul.
You deserve far better, Paul.
I bet your SO is giving you juuust enough sugar to keep you mollified and paying the bills.
I think you'd get better value for money with a mail order bride. A straightforward arrangement with clear expectations, and a lot more respect.
I think you are both getting
I think you are both getting out of this relationshp what you put into it. You want a willing sex partner to meet your needs when you are home and she's looking for somebody to keep her comfortable while she helps raise her grandbaby. As long as you both understand to keep the emotions out of it and accept that this is what your relationship is things should work out.
You are really zeroing in on
You are really zeroing in on the physical component of the relationship. Yes, that was important, and yes she started rationing sex when she thought she had me locked up. Using it as a control mechanism to keep from from complaining about things.
BUT
there was a lot more to the relationship. We did use to spend time together, doing activities together. Watching TV shows we liked, taking the dog to the park, cooking together. That sort of thing. And YES, I actually would like to have a family vibe with things. But that's not possible with her "Kids Always First" mantra, and the fact that her kids have adult standing in the household. I actually do want a well-rounded relationship and family, not just sex. But that is not possible with the current set of circumstances, where she expects everthing to be about the baby all the time.
Was the before or after you
Was that before or after you divorced and got back together. The relationship you used to have may not ever work for you guys again, instead now it might just be a relationship of convenience and the fact that you both are comfortable enough with each other to only give and get what you want out of it.
We were engaged for about a
We were engaged for about a year, but have never been married. You are probably right about that, I think she would leave if she could find someone else who would take care of her AND go along with her "enabling" parentint style. Which most guys wont.
So this is a different woman
So this is a different woman than your ex wife that you divorced who had problematic children as well? Perhaps its choosing women with children, maybe find one who either doesn't have children or who does, but they are grown and out on their own.
Oh yes, I would love to date
Oh yes, I would love to date a childless woman, but there very few of those. I have been looking around at women in their 50s, since that is the age when most women start ot be empty-nesters. But still no luck with that.
Two Points
One: You mention you are okay with this arrangement NOW but will expect changes once you are no longer travelilng for work, which lets say, another 5 years. Do you actually think everything will magically become what YOU want after years of allowing and enabling the exact behaviors you don't want to live in/with????
Two: What you have is a transactional relationship. You want sex. She wants to be kept. With all the money you are laying out for her, your SKs, the mooching BF and now a grand stepkid....you could find yourself a mistress for less money.
Not judging; if this works for you, fine. Me? I'd opt for a better fianacially balanced "transactional" relationship.
Good luck.
Yes, it is definitely moving
Yes, it is definitely moving into transactional territory. I am getting almost no attention now that the baby is here. She is no longer making an effort to go through her junk and get our house organized. Not happy about that either.
You all have really zeroed in on the sex thing, since I expressed disappointment that I had been the victim of a "bait and switch," wherein she got me hooked on sex and then pulled the rug on me. Yes, that bothered me, but we defintely had other things going in our relationship (cooking together, visting family, watching shows, etc). That stuff is gone now, unless you count sitting in her daughter's apartment while she baby-sits as "family time."
I guess on some level I fantsize about saving enough money to get off the road in a few years, and just starting over when I will be in one place, since being on the road is so tough. Having this "transactional" arrangement may be enough to tide me over until then.
I have to ask, is it worth it
I have to ask, is it worth it? You're chosing to settle for crumbs instead of the entire cookie just because she's realized that she needs to put out a bit more often or your wallet might walk away?
I'm not being cruel, I'm talking to you like I would to my grown adult sons.