Not sure what to do about adult step daughter
My husband and I have been married 11 1/2 years. SD was anti me from the beginning. DH had gotten divorced about 7 months before we met. SD treated me as if I had broke up the marriage which was not the case. I didn't even know DH when he got divorced. His x wife was a mental case. Heard voices and well you get the idea. Think the SD was projecting her displeasure at me because now her and her brother had to deal with the crazy mother. We had a big blow up about 5 years ago. I told my DH that I would be civil when I have to be in her presence which I have been. Because of Covid and the fact she lives in other state we didn't see her fir 21/2 years which was heaven. She however blows up my DH's phone with pics of the GK's. My husband doesn't stand up to her. She runs the show and he stays pretty quiet. So after many years I just want nothing to do with this woman but I know this is adding a level of stress to my husband and think it doesn't do our marriage any good. I don't want SD and her kids staying at my house or swimming in my pool. How do I have a relationship with this woman who I dislike very much? I am fearful that if I don't claim my turf that she will once again try and control and manipulate my DH. Any advise out there?
You don't have to have a
You don't have to have a relationship with her. At all. You don't have to talk to her, talk about her, even think about her. And DH can still continue to have a relationship with her that doesn't involve you.
What kind of control and manipulation is she doing now? What does he need to stand up to her about? You might have a DH issue, if he gives into everything she wants to the detriment of his wife. That's a problem. But her sending GK pictures doesn't seem unusual, or anything for you to be concerned about unless your DH takes it to extremes.
I am nicely disengaged from my SD, and she lives several states away. She and DH talk/text nearly every day and often more often than that. I think it's excessive, but it's also none of my business since it really doesn't affect me. There was a time when DH would jump to take a call from her, even if we were in the middle of a date or serious conversation. THAT affected me, so I spoke up. But I addressed HIS behavior, not SD's. HE is the one I care about.
My DH is disappointed that we don't have much of a relationship. But we are both polite and cordial. I think we see some good in the other and that helps a lot. But we'll never be close, and that's just fine.
Taking a pause to figure out if something affected me or not was a habit I had to learn. If it didn't affect me, I had to put it out of my mind and not react. Not my circus, not my monkey. If it DID affect me, then my issue was almost always with DH jumping out of his own skin to please her, and I addressed HIS behavior, not hers.
Good response! I, too, had to
Good response! I, too, had to come to an agreement with my hubby that I could no longer be around SS#2 and she feels the same. So that's good and I, too, addressed his behaviour toward her. I actually was competing with a mini-wife and things were good for about 1 1/2 years, but she's back at the lovey dovey texts to him again. I need to speak up. It's so frustrating, weird, and repulsive all at the same time. That's why I totally removed myself from being around her. However, there are no GK in the picture so that helps my situation. Good luck with your situation.
The good news
The good news is that she lives in another state. If the worst is pictures of the GKs and phone calls, you are lucky. I know how aggravating a troublesome SD is, I have one who is local. You're correct to take the "polite and civil" stance, That's what I do. Ive had to accept and internalize the fact that my witchy, bipolar SD will be a part of my life as long as DH lives. Its been a hard lump to swallow. You asked for advice, I dont have any. I try to be noncommital when DH brings up SD, "Hmmm", "Gee", " Whats on tv tonight?" I don't know what else to do besides the polite and civil route. Good luck.
BOUNDARIES
Establishing YOUR boundaries clearly and matter of fact with your DH is key. We had an issue this past weekend with the 18SD and it forced me to re-evaluate my own boundaries. I shared them with my DH and he was in agreement 100%. He recognizes his daughters are MUCH like their mother and our relationship is the most important thing. I am glad I shared my feelings with him. THANKFULLY our roller coaster comes to a HALT in May of this year - THE COUNT DOWN IS ON!!!
Some good advice here.
It's really managing your mindset more than anything else. Many of us have chosen to "disengage" and there is a specific forum named "DIsengagement" here on STalk where you can get more ideas on how to unplug from SD.
On another note, you said, "I don't want SD and her kids staying at my house or swimming in my pool."
Is this your house, as in you owned it prior to marrying your DH? Or is it your joint house? Has SD invited herself to your home already? I'm sure your DH would love to have her and the grandskids visit but you and he need to sit down and discuss how that would work. Limits as to duration of visit, who pays for extra food/entertainment, who does clean up, who does babysitting, are any young kids strong swimmers (if not they will need to be constantly watched) etc. This is where you flex your disengagement muscles. Make it clear that you will have no part or parcel of the care and feeding of SD and her brood.
IMO, I've already decided that if SD and her clan ever visit us then I will be there when they arrive for a faux welcome, and the next day I will have an emergency excuse to go visit a friend for a few days. That's called pre-planned disengagement!! LOL
The house is mine. I have
The house is mine. I have built several houses since I have been married to current husband after my late husband passed away. I have paid for the house from my proceeds and not our monthly budget. I actually made sure the house was in my name for 1 reason. If I passed away before my husband did and then he passes the house would legally go to his kids and mine would be left out. I realize I could legally put together some documents to prevent that. It just gives me a safety net to have a say in the SD coming to my house. I always refer to the house as ours but legally I have to make sure his kids don't think my house will someday be theirs. I being stubborn about the SD and her kids but she burned that bridge years ago. I am a extremely loyal person and a friend forever unless you cross me. I just have a hard time turning the other cheek to someone who would take great delight in breaking up our marriage so she can control my husband. I feel as of late this is putting a unspoken strain with my husband and I and I don't know if I should just let is go and not discuss with him or bring up the topic with him. I suspect bringing it up might cause a big fight.
That's called self preservation...
We all need to do that - it may not feel good, but the alternative is worse.
Oh, Friend
We share a very similar story. I tolerated DH's adult kids and their horrid behaviors for 12 years. His oldest daughter was, and still is, the center of the drama/trouble. My DH is also very passive and just doesn't say much. Four years ago, I had the final blow and have not seen any of DHs kids in that time. That final incident was so humiliating and to know my kids, extended family and friends had to witness it still hurts me.
I spent 3 years working on myself, getting my mental health to a good place and we also had marriage counseling. It was one damn hard journey but I made it. I had to set aside the "Nice CajunMom" and become a strong, boundary setting CajunMom. Very difficult as I'm an all inclusive person, don't do clicks and just love people in general. But my life depended on me getting healthy, both mental and physical.
In counseling, we set boundaries. DH sees his kids outside our home (4 are out of state, one local but he never visited even before). I ask no questions about DHs kids and don't want to know. When he does talk about them, I give just cordial answers; oh, that's nice. How cute. Blah. Blah. Blah.
I have never had a relationship with any of DHs kids. While they don't come to our home now, I do see in the future that I might be okay with them coming to visit DH while I'm out for the day or in my studio. BUT there will be no over-nights. Ever. I like my privacy and I don't share my "sanctuary", what I call our home, with people who have hurt me, never apologized or changed. Not happening. And we will never be friends. While I can forgive, I cannot forget and I will solidly protect my heart. I can be cordial but that's it.
You mentioned it straining your marriage. Is your DH aware of the specifics between you and SD? If not, he needs to be. If so, then he knows the damage he's letting happen to YOU if he continues to let his daughter invade his marriage. We are in year 4 of me not seeing DHs kids. DH has maintained his connection with them and not much has changed as they really didn't visit DH even before. Typical was for Money Grab Day (aka Christmas) and any event where I was cooking or having a party.
What's most important is my health. And because I'm healthy now, don't harbor resentment and bitterness, and have gotten past the anger.....our marriage is thriving. We aren't spring chickens and we both recognize as we age, WE are each other's support.
Sometimes we have to make adjustments in marriages. As a spouse, we are to put each other first. While the complete disengaging is not the best, it works for us...or at least me. Best to you.
Bring it up NOW!
The one thing so many childless women on this site don't understand -YOU HAVE MORE POWER THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE!! The initial aspect of being a Step Mother automatically lists YOU below the lives of your husband's children... Is For Shit! (I'm sorry - I'm a Cussing Christian) - and THIS SHIT NEVER STOPS! Basically, fathers are clueless and in denial just how much they coddle dysfunction... It will never get easier, it's sickening - so if any of you are young and able - RUN!!! If you are like me, older and staying because of our commitment - I repeat : STEP UP TO PROTECT YOURSELF!! Such a difficult conversation - but so worth every breath to not resent your husband once it's too late!
Peace to all my Step Sisters out there!♥️
Mental illness
Is the gift that keeps on giving. If BM is that sick that she hears voices Most likely SD is sick also. It was passed on.
Mental Illness
Yes the BM is truly mentally ill. . My DH dealt with this for 20 years before he divorced her. I knew it was possible for my DH kids to possibly develop as can be inherited from the parent. I doubt we would ever know since we don't live in the same state and thank the lord don't see her much. But I have wondered throughout the years if her behavior might be a prelude to mental illness or if she was just being the mini wife. I hope SD doesn't become mental because I think my DH would get sucked into dealing with her care. SD is married to a "surfer dude" type who I think is about 6 or 7 years younger than SD. SD is going to be 42 this year. SD has young kids but I think the husband is more like a child himself. They have been married 10 years. I can't see him dealing with mental illness if it goes down that road. I hope hope hope she doesn't become mentally ill.
His kiddo
Listen I can totally relate -- my SD (13) hates me because she believes her mom that I am the reason her parents got divorced, despite the fact that their marriage was a mess. She moved out at age 12.5 to go live with her mom after we all lived together for what I thought were 4 pretty happy years. When she became a teen she decided I was the reason she was depressed, because her Dad and I ruined their family, when I did nothing of the sort, just because I knew her Dad and lived in the same town and we started dating when her parents got separated. The BM's suspicions that were together for years and the easy thing to blame for her failure to keep her marriage together alienated this poor kid from me from day 1.
Fast forward 10 months she has been gone. She barely ever contacts her Dad, feel so bad for him.
despite all of that, my advice is that she is his kid, let her come over with the grandkids and swim-- just go do something else if she isn't good to you. That is only if she is sincerely good to him. If not, than I'd say forget it, but if she is good to him and shows him love, let him have his relationship with her. If my DH's daughter was willing to be cool to him again I'd be so happy for him. I don't like that she hates me but I can deal with that, just want her to be good to him.
SD suck in my experience. I never even got to have one and I would've liked to have had a daughter. I wish it could have been different.