Need to Vent
This year went by crazy fast. My baby is about to turn 1 this weekend. She is the happiest little baby, even though the first few months were extremely hard for my DH and me. About 4 days after she was born his parents got in a bad car accident leaving his mother in the hospital for about 6 months until she ended up passing away. So the baby bonding time that he had off from work went to that. For the first three weeks of my baby's life I was basically a single parent. Although, I understood the situation, did not make it any easier. Anyway, here we are a year later. Things have been going well for us. But last night he was doing his work schedule (he works 12 hour days plus an hour to an hour and a half commute). I got really upset because he will not work much the week we have SD and work a ton of shifts the weeks we don't have her, so he gets to spend more time with SD since we don't have her all the time. I get it. But where does that leave me and our daughter?? He won't see her (or me) for 5 days because he's working so much and she is asleep when he leaves and asleep when he gets home and the other two days in the week we have SD. Which means no time for just him to spend with our daughter or even me. I get so frustrated because he doesn't understand where I am coming from. It is very hard on me when he works that much in one week, when he doesn't have to. He can spread it out but won't. And now he's working EOW and it happens to be that he has the weekends off when we have SD. So now on the weeks we don't have her, he's at work most of the week and the two days he doesn't we get her for a few hours so we can never plan to do anything. The weeks we have her we can't plan anything because she has school and now her mom signed her up for baseball so now we can't do anything on the weekends either. I just want something to be about our daughter for once. Not always SD and her schedule.
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Have you flat out told him
Have you flat out told him that this isn't working? That a new plan has to be made and time needs to be divided between both his kids?
I have found that men don't take hints or suggestions well. I have to tell my husband things- flat, not emotional and in a factual manner. When I do, he responds without hesitation or question. "DH, this schedule isn't working for our family. I need the following changes ___,____, and ____ in order for both the children to have quality time with you and time for our marriage."
Don't leave it up to questions or hypotheticals. Just facts.
Yes, I've talked to him about
Yes, I've talked to him about it and told him my feelings. I completely understand why he does his schedule the way he does. I'm just asking if there is something going on a certain week if he can change it, meet me in the middle. At least ask his ex for an extra day since she has so many days with her as it is.
I'm sure from his POV he sees
I'm sure from his POV he sees it as relatively fair since he is available to both his kids more equally. He doesn't see the need for him to have time carved out without his daughter there necessarily.
That doesn't mean that it shouldn't happen.. just that he sees that kind of work schedule maximizing time in the home when he can see both his kids.
Now, I don't know what the financial constraints are. I don't know what the pressure is at his work to keep his current schedule or do overtime. Obviously, it could be that he can't work that much less without your household being in a financial bind.. and that may be that he feels the current schedule is the "best" he can do.
BUT.. I do think JMTB has the right idea in that you won't be gettiing what you want without asking him. If you need him to schedule date nights or an early evening home once a week so he can spend time with the baby before bedtime.
OR... could he find a job closer to home freeing up some of the 3 hours a day he is commuting? Could you move closer to his work? These are big changes that might not happen right away... but maybe over time could happen.
I guess at the bottom line, you both need to sit down and figure out what your priorities are.. what you have to do to bring in money into the home to survive.. what will allow you to have time with him.. to allow him to have time with both his kids....I don't recall whether you are working or not but if you aren't.. maybe a possibility would be for you to get a job to supplement the household finances that might free him up to be home more when you and your baby could enjoy time together. Of course, that means daycare..but it's all kind of a moving target and things need to adjust to make things happen. It won't necessarily be that he is the only one that may need to make changes to make this work well.
Wowza
There can be all kinds of good intentions or reasons WHY he does this yada yada yada
BUT we all know how the step shit goes. First family first, second family second. He has guilt not being with SD all the time and he figures since you and DD live with him he has you all the time. Its easy for him, and yes he is. BUT realistically he gets zero time with his wife and your bio. He probably has more positive and bonding time with SD than your bio. Could it be he is better with older kids, sure. BUT nope Im cynical. He has more concern to prop up SD than wife and bio.
You need to talk to him and let him know you and DD are tired being on the back burner. SD will sense and know as she grows that she is the special one. Thus a monster SD is created. Now this is just a projection of what could be. I could be totally wrong.
ETA: Yes he does have a week where he sees that he spends with both of his daughters, thats the half glass full. The reality of divorce is that the skids do not get the opportunity to be with their parents everyday. The reality of the intact family is you usually get to see your kids everyday. Hence the guilt daddio with SD. However your DD does have an intact family so your DH should make more of an effort on all fronts. Less time with the wife can lead to problems and divorce (worse case scenario). You should be given special couple time. As hard as it is with youngins an effort should be made. As you said he doesnt need these xtra shifts but takes them. That is hurtful.
Hope you speak to DH and blessings
Right there with you...
That is rough, I am sorry. I am right there with you. My DBF's only days off, we always have SD12, every..single..day...off. I am worried once we have a child of our own together as to what's going to happen. I am assuiming he won't change his schedule and I am assuming that when he takes leave for when we have our baby, that we will have SD12 the whole time and he won't be able to bond with our child together. SD12 needs constant attention for DBF, BM, Grandmother, etc... But, I am only assuming, who knows what's going to happen.
But I can relate to you on how my DBF's schedule is. One week he only has 2 days off, the next week he will have 5. He get's every other weekend off, and those weekends on reserved for when we have SD. We still make it to where we have a date night on the Friday's he is off but the rest of the time, we are home and she's holding the spot light on herself.
Have you expressed this with your DH? And if he can afford to take a couple more extra days off or work less hours, I would definitely suggest that to him and just let him know how you are feeling. I hope that things can be worked out to where you and the little one can have more time with him!
Both of his daughters see him?
But he has two daughters. He works hard one week. Then spends time with BOTH his daughters the next. I understand that you're still a new mom and you want him to spend more time with your daughter than your SD, but to him they are both his daughters. So what he's doing is fair.
Now the fact that you don't have as much time together as a couple is understandably frustrating. But with two kids and a crazy work schedule, that's not unusual. You went from having kids only half the time (SD) with lots of couple time, to having two kids and no couple time. Maybe you can make a point that once a month you get a babysitter and go out to dinner? But I don't think it's fair for you to ask him to intentionally arrange his work so that he spends more time with one daughter at the expense of the other.
It's only fair if he actually
It's only fair if he actually is spending time with BOTH kids. Reality sounds like that is not happening.
I'm not asking nor will I
I'm not asking nor will I ever ask him not to see his daughter. I'm just asking to do something that makes sense for the whole family. I even asked him to ask his ex if we could switch a day so he doesn't have to work so much in one week. If I didn't want him to spend time with her I wouldn't have suggested that.
I don't know how others are
I don't know how others are seeing this as okay or fair. I have a baby that turns one in a couple months and I have to tell you this age is a lot of fun and he's missing out voluntarily.
I would be going nuclear and telling him that it seems like he has both of his kids on the same custody schedule. If he thinks that's fair to them then tell him you don't want a part time marriage.
There could be legit reasons
There could be legit reasons why he has to work those hours and have that commute. It could also be viewed as he is maximizing his time with BOTH of his children.. and while it's not perfect, it may be the best he can do. His other child doesn't deserve to be short changed of time on the only few days she gets to see her dad either. I would be pissed if he wasn't paying any attention to the baby.. but if he is making efforts to spend time with both on his time off? maybe that is the best option when there may not be a better one.
Look, it's easy to tell people to change their work schedules.. get a different job.. move closer to work etc.. logistically.. financially? those things may just not be possible... and the reality is that sometimes we all have to make the best of a crappy situation.
She can tell him that she is unhappy with the lack of time he can spend with her and her baby.. but she also may have to accept the reality of his need to earn a living and provide financial support for the household too. They can discuss what could change to improve things.. but it may not be an easy answer.
He does spend time with my
He does spend time with my baby. But sometimes I do feel he spends more time with SD. I know there is guilt there, but I'm worried how it will affect my daughter when she is older if she sees SD as being the one with all the attention.
Do some research and get
Do some research and get some child support figures and show him what it will cost him if he doesn't prioritize his family.
That is a divorce threat and
That is a divorce threat and shouldn't be done, IMHO, unless that is where you are actually at. I don't tolerate threats and I wouldn't expect my husband to either.
I would find something for me
I would find something for me to do on one of the days your SD is there and leave your DD with him too. Sell it as a great opportunity for them all to bond and to really take SD into your family unit. Let him work out how to manage it.