My husband is blaming me
My 2 step children are 26, as and 31 SD. SD has been a long term problem child with drug issues. I am not sure if she is still using because few years ago, she came towards me to hit me and I have had nothing to do with her since. She has 2 children and is now in a lesbian relationship and lives off of the gov. She has never had a job. SS just got a job after years of not really working. He has a degree and an HVAC certification and is working for a wealthy friend promising him an easy path to make money. He likes to hang with people with money but has a car that just does and we pay his insurance although he has money for lots of fun trips. I expected the same for these kids asnI did for my son although ifbIbsaidbanything about the choices these 2 made, my husband would get so angry saying I hated his kids. What I hated was sacrificing and watching my husband work himself to death so these 2 could be deadbeats. I don't really ask much because my husband tends to hide what they do wrong and is only happy if I always agree with him about them. So I disengaged. DH is a workaholic and now I have not been well (i have multiple Chemical sensitivity which makes being around people difficult. I have never stopped DH from seeing his kids but it is like he wants to blame the lack of relationship with his daughter and grandsons on me. I must admit my SD caused so much trouble and told so many lies over the past 12 years that it has been a relief not to have to deal with her or all the turmoil it causes between DH and me. But he feels like he cannot be the grandparent he wants to be like this. It would have been different had he just given permission to parent but for a long time there was so much enabling etc that I just gave up. Should I just try to fake it for him as long as there is no enabling? Not being well has made life so difficult and I don't know of I have the energy to deal with it.
Blaming Wrong Person
He needs to look in the mirror and blame that reflection because this is HIS mess to own. When you enable bad behavior, this is the end result. More dysfunction. I have nothing to do with my DHs kids. 12 years was enough to be on the receiving end of their horrible behaviors towards me. 4 years of peace now. DH sees his kids outside our home and yep, it's minimal. Is that my fault? Hell, no. That's on him and his kids not giving me one ounce of credit for 12 years saying this would be our story if some changes weren't made. So, here we are.
Don't get me wrong. I'm all about forgiveness and reconciliation but I MUST see changed behavior. From your post, it doesn't look like that has happened in your world. And that's what I'd tell my DH if he got in a "pissy" mood about his current relationships with his kids.
Questions: Why can't your DH visit his daugther and grandkids at their home? Why can't he do weekly pickups and take grands to lunch/park? If he's wanting to bring them to your marital home (grands), let him but make sure to leave ALL the work on him. I'd take no issue if my DH wanted his grands to visit in our home but he clearly knows it will be him cooking, cleaning, changing diapers and chasing behind the youngsters. Not me. I'll be cordial but I'm not their grandmother, per their own parents. I'm simply DH's wife.
I get so tired of men who have zero relationship skills and want their wives to do all the hard work. Ugh.
Thanks Cajun mom. My husband
Thanks Cajun mom. My husband is a Cajun. The thing that irritates me most is the suspension of reality. I would deal with my SD as long as I could speak the reality of the situation all with the goal of doing the things that are in her best interest. We have nothing in common though and she is the type that will blow a lot of smoke up your ass but never truly take what you say into consideration. She will ask about me knowing that I am sick to make herself look good to Dad but she would stab my eyeballs out if she could. . DH has made a lot of his parenting decisions based upon guilt for a nasty divorce which was a disservice to the kids and the ex was a monster. She would tell her kids how rotten Dad was so he was always falling over backwards trying to prove that wasn't true. DH also happens to be the kind of person who sees the best no matter what. When I would point out lies from his SD so he would not enable and perhaps help her to grow by not permitting the behaviour, he just didin't want to hear any of it. You are so right though, he wants me to do all of the relationship work and when I did used to have the Step grand at the house, I was mainly responsible - and he was a handful. He has CP and was the most difficult baby I have ever experienced and didn't even know how to eat at the table because my Sd would drag him from pillar to post. Other than my SS needs to man up because DH is raising a wuss, I get along with him. I just don't want to keep supporting him especially because we have had issues with my illness.
He wants to blame you, but
He wants to blame you, but his daughter is the one who attempted to assault you. He wants to blame you, but his daughter has a history of drug use. He wants to blame you, but both kids are deadbeats. Sure, one is FINALLY working but can't pay his own car insurance at the tender age of 26. He wants to blame you yet his daughter is a pathological liar. Tell me again how his failed first family breeding experiment is YOUR fault? Tell me again how you should feel comfortable having a woman around you who attempted to assault you? You should feel comfortable having a woman around you who lies and may still be on drugs? No, he needs to look in the mirror if he wants somebody to blame. He should look at his kids if he wants somebody else to blame. If it was anyone else but his kids behaving in such a way would he want them in his life? If your son behaved as his kids do, would he welcome him in his life and his home? I think not. So why would he think that just because they're his kids that they should be held to a different standard than a friend, a neighbor, a co-worker, your own son? It doesn't work that way. No, he wants this image of a perfect happy family and is willing to sacrifice anything and everything, including you and himself, to get that image. You're telling him how it really is and he doesn't like it. He wants to have his daughter and her kids in your home with you doing everything no doubt.
He can have a relationship with them if he wants. You don't have to be involved and it doesn't mean that he gets to bring them to your home. He can see them outside of your home and away from you but he doesn't want to put in that effort. It's easier on men if their wives do all the work. You're refusing, he doesn't want to do any of the work himself, so it's easier for him to just blame you instead of putting forth any effort.
So true, That area has been
So true, That area has been our biggest issue as far as our personality styles go too - he is alway has his image that he wants and I am more of the realist and quite verbal. Now I have the issue of the MCS which means that I practically live in a bubble which has put an immense strain on both of us. Even before I was this ill, I would ask them not to wear perfume etc to the house but they would and also the type of laundry detergent that the stinky ex used would make me sick. Now I truly cannot tolerate being around any of that. I do love my husband though and we have gotten a lot better at one another's personality styles and I know it hurts him not to see them. I always encourage it. But he will never believe that my stepdaughter hates me and really doesn't give a shit about seeing me because she plays the angel now always asking about me so I look like the ass that wants nothing to do with her - and DH buys it hook, line and sinker.