When I'm Gone...
Hey everyone!
So this isn't a blog I would normally post, but I need some advice/thoughts. Over the duration of I would say 3 months, 2 of my coworkers have passed, one from Covid, one from a heart attack, an old coworker/friend just passed away yesterday morning from covid, 2 of my friends mother's also have passed, one from cancer, one from some type of kidney/bacterial infection that just overtook her body and it wasn't strong enough to fight off. Ya'll know that Betty White died, and Bob Saget died....
I am just surrounded by so much death lately so it has really got me thinking.... What's going to happen to my DD13? Here's a little back story. My BD and I split when she was 2 years old, he went to prison for 8 years and just got out about 2 years ago. He has had no contact, (thank god), and I have physical, sole, and legal custody of my DD13. I guess I am wondering what would be the chances if I passed away, that she would have to go to her father's to live? I had expressed this to my DBF and he said that he would want DD13 if anything were to ever happen to me. We aren't married yet, but we plan on it sometime in the very near future. I just don't know if there is a way to get BD's rights taken away since he hasn't been in her life since she was 2 and is constantly on probation or parole and lives about 7 hours away from us.
Does anyone know anyone who has had an experience like this? Or have been through something similar? I know I have a lot of life to live, but no one ever truly knows what tomorrow will bring. I just want my DD13 to be taken care of and fought for if I end up passing before she turns 18. I have been having a lot of stress and anxiety/panic attacks lately, which has been causing a lot of chest pain and I think if I can get this figured out or put onto a document, that I will be a little more stress free. I am only 34, but like I said, you just never really know what tomorrow or even today will bring.
- cmd88's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You need to talk to an
You need to talk to an attorney and ask this question. If BD still has rights, it's very possible that his doorstep is where will end up. If that is not what is best for your DD, then you need to have something in writing that is legally binding that protects DD.
I will also caution against having your BF be her legal guardian should you pass. Does your DD want him to be her parent? What happens if the relationship sours between you and him, or her and him? What if it requires adoption and your DD isn't interested in being adopted? I know parents want to do "what's best" for their kids, but once those kids become teenagers and are emerging into the adult world, their opinions need to be taken into account. This particular situation may be one that you have to re-evaluate on an annual basis until DD turns 18 so you all are on the same page as to who is going to finish raising her if it isn't you.
An attorney will be your best
An attorney will be your best answer but for now, I suggest having his rights terminated all together.
You can update your will to have your daughter live with a relative or even your BF if that is what you wish, though I would wait until after marriage before I did that.
We should always have a plan for our kids in case something happens to us, from day one. You are smart to be working towards legal protections for her.
Get An Attorney
While we can give you advice, we don't know the exact law of your state. And from what all of us know here, stepparents have zero rights to stepchildren. Zero. And the biological parent will always have the upper hand in court should something happen to the other bio parent. See a family attorney to get all the facts and a plan. Best to you.
Death thoughts
Im 53, and have been thinking of my own mortality as well. DH has had a friend die of a brain virus right before Christmas, and another a few weeks ago. Especially with COVID news reports and now meteors, no wonder you are feeling anxious. It would be good to consult an attorney and tie things up, as well as get some life insurance if you havent already.
I'm sorry
I am sorry for your losses. Definitely seems to be a lot this past year and months. It's very sad, and hard. I am super anxious about that and a lot of other things that it's making me physically sick. I just spoke with an attorney and will be moving forward very soon. I also have life insurance through my work, thankfully.
Visitation and CS are separate issues
The courts do not allow parents to terminate a parent's rights, no matter how big a POS they may be, because it deprives the child of the right to access that parent's financial support. So in order to replace a parent, someone else has to be willing to step into those shoes, taking financial responsibility. Aka adoption.
No matter how little visitation that parent has now, in the event that you die, yes, he would be the first person considered for custody. Willing custody to another person isn't legal, because it deprives the NCP of Due Process. The CP doesn't "own" the child. XSO is legally entitled to visitation now if he wants it.
BF could fight for custody, assuming he would even want it, but that would be costly, and not guaranteed. XSO could give custody to BF, but I believe then they would both be on the hook for financials? Not sure about that.
I'd rather not write a novel, but I can tell you details on how I know all this, if you need. I'm not guessing.
I do not receive...
I do not receive any CP from BD. I have been trying to find out where he is so that I can report it to the friend of the court. I still speak with his father on occasion and he doesn't even know where he is at. He said he is either still in a halfway house or moved somewhere else and that he was still on parole. I just spoke with a tribal lawyer, since that's who I need to go through since I am Native and so is DD13, and I can file to have the BD sign off his rights if he is proven to be unfit, neglectful, dangerous, etc... he fits all ofthe categories minus the sexual assault category. DBF wants to adop her either way as soon as we get married. Many say on here that he wouldn't want her because he would want to move on, but no, he has been the main man figure in her life for a while now and she wouldn't want to be taken away from him or her future step sister. I know that maybe I don't have much to worry about right now, but no one ever knows when they are going to die, and if they do, they have everything pretty much prepared. I want to be prepared and make sure she is safe.
If you would like to share more information with me, you can definitely message me. I appreciate it.
My late husband brother's
My late husband brother's step son tried to get custody of his teenage daughter after her mother passed away from breast cancer. He was not active in her life nor did he pay support very often. He was not awarded custody. The teen said she did not know him and after loosing her Mother didn't want to lose the only Daddy she ever knew. The judge allowed her to stay with her Step Dad and the Bio Dad had to pay child support and was giving an opportunity to build a relationship with the teen. He now pays support and still doesn't see the teen often, she definitely doesn't make it easy for him too. This was 3 years ago and nothing has changed. His brother and the BGrandma thought it would be a slam dunk and they would get to finish raising their granddaughter. She doesn't want to live with them either. Can't blame her, they are in their last 70's
Wow
Wow. well that gives me some hope then. Anyone can tell you how bad of a person BD is. He's dangerous, a drug addict, a kidnapper (just before he went away to prison, he kidnapped me and my daughter). The cops had told me that he wouldn't be out until our DD13 was graduated from highschool, but he got out far early... so it's been on my mind if he was going to try and get custody of her, still no word after 2-3 years of being out and about. I know my DD13 would not want to live with him, let alone even see him.
I know its not a question you had
But it would be good to get power of attorney and wills in line. Thats something that is giving me anxiety. Perhaps have a journal for your daughter to read, a "hope chest' or something.
Life is short.
Great idea
That is a great idea and I do have a few journals that I have written in the past few years but it would be nice to make one just for her to read for sure.
I can understand the anxiety. No one looks forward to making a will or anything of the sorts. My uncle who passed a couple of years back didn't have one and it was pretty brutal seeing his siblings/family fighting over his belongings or who was going to be responsible for his debt. That's definitely not a burden I want to leave behind without having something documented and set in stone, something that I can also change throughout the years as well.
Whoever executed his will was
Whoever executed his will was obligated to use his assets to settle his debts before anything would be distributed afterwards.. it's unfortunate that the buzzards arre out there snatching things up before it's legally settled.
It sounds like you need to
It sounds like you need to get something in place for now that will have a chance of ensuring your EX can't be given custody. That may not be able to be your BF because of his legal status. You really need to see if you can find another blood relative that could step in. YOur daughter is 15 right? LIkely if something happens.. she will be older.. and it's really only 3 years that you have to make it through to make this a non-issue (though you need to get your will in order properly too).
I'm not sure if you could have some order that would bar custody from him and establish a guardian that could step in if you were dead or unable to care for your child for some reason. Get your power of atty stuff straight etc.. again, you will really need to get good legal advice on this to ensure that things go the way you want.
AT this point.. your primary goal should be that your EX not be able to have custody of her. I would have a family member able to step in "for now".
If and when you do get married to your BF you can pursue having him adopt her (whether you get a cancellation of your Ex rights now or whether you get it then).
Personally I would look to
Personally I would look to family for leaving custody of your child rathern then your boyfriend. Bad idea for a multitude of reasons.
I am working
I am working on a plan for sure. I first want to get BD's rights removed and then go from there. I am also going to make an appointment to get an overall check up just so I can feel more at ease, lol. My anxiety has been through the roof because all of these people keep passing away and it really makes a person think, especially when they still have children at home. I appreciate everyone's advice!