Partner has PTSD - I end up having to look after the kids
I have my own DD who is 14, he has two kids who are 10 and 12.
He's has PTSD from severe childhood sexual abuse. I also have PTSD from an abusive childhood. He is a functional alcoholic, he doesn't do anything bad, he will just crack open some beers after working hard and then he falls asleep in front of the TV. It's tedious, not great for us as a couple, but right now with another lockdown on the horizon everyone's mental health is taking a knok. He also was made redundant two weeks before Xmas so he's struggling although I am confident he will find another job. We've been together for 5 years. He's very loving and kind, but he's a bit useless with the kids generally - his two are very badly behaved and need a lot of attention as they fight a lot - so he finds them frustrating to be around. He's recently gotten better at disciplining them but they are hard work.
The issue right now is that he's not really spending time with his kids when they are here and I'm working and I don't have the energy for it as my mental health is quite fragile right now due to work pressures (especially now as I have to support everyone) I totally get that he's needing a bit of a time out but it's pissing me off that he's not spending any time with them and whilst they all get on ok and can amuse themselves, I can't be everyone's emotional support constantly. I feel like I need to sit down with him and lay on the line what I need him to do whilst I am working - but I am worried he will get resentful at being told what to do (we are both older)
I am very emotionally supportive but I am starting to resent him myself! Please help me work out how to reframe it all so I can not feel drained by him and his kids and keep this family going until he gets another job!
*knock not knok!
*knock not knok!
I hear that your DH has a lot
I hear that your DH has a lot going on - but it's not your job to take care of his kids. If he can't spend time with them, perhaps he should decrease his visitation time. Like many of us women, you have come in to save the day for him, but who will save you?
I might say to him to do this
I might say to him to do this, even if it's just a day or two off this week. I think once the new year starts up he will be starting interviews and we will get into a normal routine again. It the weird winter in-between time right now whilst he's waiting to hear back from jobs and our sleep has been crap because of the worry.
sounds a little like he's the
sounds a little like he's the biggest kid you're taking care of on your own.
Yes I agree, and I also need
Yes I agree, and I also need to understand my own feelings about it which are sadness that he seems so disconnected from them. I think I really noticed it this week as an actual symptom of his PTSD, in that he's really struggling. Every day he does house stuff though, cleans, does DIY etc so he's not lazy.
But yes I can't be the sole company for the kids so need some ways to strategise so I can work and the kids are busy!
You take your kid and spend
You take your kid and spend time with them solo away from the house. Sometimes you need to step back and leave room for them to figure out how to fill. That's not your job to do. Just start doing for you and yours. You don't need to to tell them what you are up to, just do it. When you tell a lazy parent you are backing out of doing their job they can cause lots of drama to get you to take back over. It's much better to slowly back away and fill your time with healthy things for yourself.
^^^This^^^
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"When you tell a lazy parent
"When you tell a lazy parent you are backing out of doing their job they can cause lots of drama to get you to take back over. It's much better to slowly back away and fill your time with healthy things for yourself. " This is so true. Yet I always fall into the same mistakes, I think due to tiredness, forgetfullness and also lack of having any time to reflect. At least this time I joined a forum to ask for advice - so that is me looking for and productively me taking care of myself. I've been neglecting my own needs for a while I realise.
Is your partner in counseling
Is your partner in counseling for his PTSD? I would not allow it to be used as an excuse for his poor parenting unless he was actively taking steps to improve.
No, he's resistant to the
No, he's resistant to the counselling. He went as far as to make an appointment and then didn't follow it up for instance. He's been on antidepressants for about half a year which I think was helping until he recently lost his job.
so it's a problem he's not
so it's a problem he's not going to change because it's working for him.
yes exactly. (see my comment
yes exactly. (see my comment below) I can't force him either as then it starts getting more co-dependent than it already is!
I really appreciate being
I really appreciate being able to talk this through a bit by the way everyone! Relationships are never perfect but I do think that of we change ourselves things also change on the outside too.
Weekends when his two are
Weekends when his two are here - he will be busy doing DIY etc when they are here and they bicker a lot so he then gets stressed.
Weekdays he gets home when hes working usually - and he will eat dinner and then have several drinks to help him get to sleep. It's very much a self medicating pattern. He doesn't drink in the mornings for instance and he never misses work.
He gets really stressed by the neediness of the kids (which he of course has partly created) I'm a very hands on parent with my dd. When we first met and before the first lockdown we used to take the kids out at weekends for walks etc. Then the last two years he kept losing jobs (in an industry that gets hit badly by covid) and he's a bit older so a bit overqualified for a lot of jobs although he always applies for anything at any pay rate. I started working three separate freelance jobs last year and got burned out. Covid and it's lockdowns and set backs have been hard on us. (as it has on many people) it's definitly a struggle at the moment but I know we have seen brighter days if I try and remember.
You have leverage but don't
You have leverage but don't use it. Either he gets into therapy and deals with his PTSD or you back off from the relationship. I get he's a great guy at times but it is unfair of him to expect you to deal with his failures to heal himself. If the relationship is so important to him and YOU are important to him , that should be motivating enough to get him moving on it. There is nothing wrong with making that clear to him. You sound like a catch and he needs to realize that with your help. You need to "brand" yourself as something worth stepping up for. I deal with something similar with my DH and it is up to him to manage it. When he doesn't , it causes major problems. As Steve Harvey said in his book, you don't get the cookie until you earn it.