Ghosting my son
So, it has been a while since I posted. It's been two years since my husband of 30 years passed away and two years since we ventured to NY to visit family again. The last time we were here was for my husband's memorial service.
To make a long story short, we came back to NY for a visit. I don't have much to do with my adult stepkids because they are toxic, however, I did not want to totally close that door with my son. However, this trip was pretty much the coffin nail in the coffin for me. My son texted them weeks prior to our visit to let them know he was going to be there and they all said they would pick him up and do something fun together.
Well, the days come and go, nothing, no gift for Christmas, no call, no texts, nothing. I can tell my son feels disappointed but he says nothing. So, he texts them to see if they still want to get together and of course, they come up with the "covid" excuse and say no. Ghosted.
I know I should let it go and not feel bothered by it, but there is a part of my stubborn brain that keeps expecting some kind of adult maturity or insightfulness on their part. Like "oh this is my brother who I have said I love and care about, but since dad is gone, I could give a crap."
Sadly, they are writing their own stories with my son, who is getting tired of being treated badly. I don't really have a solution at this point, I guess I just wanted to vent about it. I just need to move past all of it and focus on making the best life for my son without the siblings that he thought he had in his life.
Sometimes I think my son is more mature at 17, he says "my sister is such a phoney" and he's right.
Well, that's crappy. I don't
Well, that's crappy. I don't think of covid as an "excuse" (it is rampant here in NY right now, and I personally wouldn't see anyone outside of my household , especially if they aren't vaccinated), BUT, they could have had more contact with him by phone, sent a gift, expressed regret about not being able to see him, met briefly outside with masks for a hike, etc.
I realize that Covid is
I realize that Covid is pretty crazy here, but then why not text or call him to tell him that instead of ghosting him like he does not even exist? Then of course, his brother posting a picture on FB of a skating rink the same day. Was it covid, did they all go skating? Who knows. All I know is if it was covid, then have enough compassion to let him know this instead of acting like a 12 year old brat.
I agree, COVID doesn't
I agree, COVID doesn't justify being rude and ignoring him.
I think the problem is, they
I think the problem is, they are all emotionally stunted. They are 12-year-olds in middle-aged bodies. It's kind of crazy to say this now, omg, these are mid-40-year-old adults!
I am spending time with my sister in law and she actually admitted that during my husband's sickness his daughter kept harping on what a bad job I was doing taking care of her dad and how screwed up their childhood was. Then on top of that how much more my son got than they did. I am kind of glad she shared this because it shed some insight into how much baggage they still have and how much they resent me. This resentment bleeds over to my son who had no control over how he was raised. My husband was older, he was retired, his world revolved around our son. So what? At one point my sister-in-law said his daughter called him "Prince" because that is her interpretation of how he "got everything."
I find this so bizarre for a grown woman to still be clinging to her childhood like this. I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional family but there came a point in time where I said, my parents did the best they could and that is that.
Either way, I think they all need some kind of therapy, but it is never going to happen. My son had a different life, my husband and I were very active and involved in his upbringing. They did not. I had no control over that and my son had no control over that, however, because they are so stuck, they are taking their resentment out on him.
I am going to talk to him when we get home, just to let him know that none of this is about him and to not take it personally. I think he was sad and disappointed and as a 17-year-old, he took it personally. It's just pathetic. I don't get spending your time in this stuck, childish, bitter brain.
It is what it is I guess. I unfriended them on FB today, it kind of felt like another weight lifted, no more fake caring.
Yes, sounds like they take
Yes, sounds like they take any lingering anger at your husband for perceived wrongs out on your son. Even if they feel he was treated better than them, as adults they should be able to see that he had nothing to do with that.
You Used Toxic...
to describe your adult SKs. That's your answer. It is crappy, as Tog said. Unfortunately, not much you can do. Your son sounds like he's got their number. At this point, you just support him and however he chooses to continue (or end) the relationships.
I think I just need to close
I think I just need to close the door on this for good. I thought maybe keeping it open for my son, but he is old enough to navigate a relationship if he wants. At this point, they are grown-ass adults and they can put the effort into this.
It's kind of sad, the reality that they never really cared to begin with. I feel bad for my son, but I think he gets it.
Even kids will gain clarity on the toxic in their gene pool.
It is sad that your son is having to learn this lesson.
But, he has you. The sibs that are the product of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool will fade in importance as he grows into a notable and viable adult of quality and character.
My SS had to make this journey. Like your son knows, my/our son (SS-29) knew that his SpermClan were not people of quality and though it was an intermittently painful journey for him to make, he made it brilliantly and is living a wonderful life with them firmly in the "they don't matter" little section of his life's rear view mirror.
The ball is in your adult Skids' court regarding their interface with their youngest brother. Your son will be fine. He understands that his sister is a phony. Now is the time to start the discussions on how he can protect himself and his emotions from their crap. Maybe someday they will grow up and become reasonable and decent people. Not likely, but you know, Disney movies say it can happen.
Your son will grow up and be a great man of character and standing in his community. Because you raised him.
My son (he asked me to adopt him when he was 22) had to deal with them after he launched at 18. They tried to guilt him into implementing payroll deductions from his USAF pay to their accounts to "help raise his three younger (half) sibs". He was far more prepared than necessary to shut that crap down. He told them that he was already providing them with $785/mo to support his sibs by not invoking his right to keep receiving CS until age 22 since he was a full time college student. That shut their "hep us" shit down in a hurry.
My heart still breaks for my kid. His three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs are going down in the flames of life. #2 is barely keeping her nose above water. #3 is in his first year of a 5 year mandatory prison sentence, and #4 is not far behind #3.
He works pretty hard to armor his heart against their crappy choices in life. Not just the half sibs, but also the Spermidiot and his SpermGPs.
"The ball is in your adult
"The ball is in your adult Skids' court regarding their interface with their youngest brother."
^ THIS
It is so sad that they can't get past their own resentment and hatred of me to realize that this relationship with their youngest brother is on them. I have never locked that door and always encouraged him to have some connection with them. I believe I am still going to let him navigate that, but my guess is there will be no relationship after a while.
That is on them. Sometimes I wonder if it was always about money and if they ever really cared at all? Sad to think of adults walking around the planet that are so self-involved, bitter and resentful. What a way to live your life.
My stepsons don't even interact with each other
and the oldest only seems interested in me and DH for what gifts we can give him and his family Christmas and birthdays. If he calls DH it's to talk about himself or his family, not ask about dad or me. Some people are so selfish they just have no interest in anyone but themselves. It's very sad for your son but he may as well protect his heart and give up on expectations. I'm trying to do that with oldest SS. We saw them 12/23, they got their gifts from us and haven't heard anything since. We even drove 12 hours away to see my son, and SS has never called to see if we got back or ask his dad about the trip or say Happy New Year. And yes, SS is bitter and resentful because his grandma died and her 4 children didn't GIVE him the family hunting farm. it was sold at auction! he said nobody needed that money and he was the only one senitmental. Sentimental my ass! Greed and jealousy more like it.