BM is a liar
So I have a SD 6 who was diagnosed with ASD when she was 3. I've been her step mom since she was born. She was the result of a booty call to put it mildly. My DH and I have an almost 3 year old little girl. We've been in court process for almost 2 years now just to get fair holiday access and weekend access which has been a nightmare. My SD's mom and her moms boyfriend are so difficult to coparent with. They are the typical unemployed, drug using, trailer park trash people who live off the government. The BM has three kids with three different dads. Her bf has some strange power trip over her and tries to get all the dads out of the picture. He's been successful in doing so with the oldest who claimed child abuse because her father disciplined her and now no longer sees her dad. We feel that's a massive lie but they've successfully ruined one father child relationship.
Now for us, they are literally lying in court documents to take away our access. They are saying my SD is repeating that we tell her to be scared of the moms boyfriend and epilepsy isn't real? I mean for one I know epilepsy is real because my sister has it and we aren't dumb enough to say shit like that to the SD.
Because they feel it's ok to write boldface lies on legal documents it makes me so worried that they'll keep doing this causing more and more issues in our family. Does anyone have any advice? I'm to the point where I don't feel safe in my own home when SD is there because I don't want more lies to be encouraged about us. I don't need BM to keep causing unnecessary court dates which is so expensive. This woman is toxic and literally has no shame in teaching SD terrible behaviour especially because she's on the spectrum and needs proper guidance not manipulative shit.
There is no real way to stop
There is no real way to stop this completely short of walking away from SD. But you can stop battling in court for any holiday access and just take what time you have now. Celebrate holidays on the days you have her.
Sadly, it's likely that BM and her BF will find a way to cut your DH out eventually - don't bankrupt yourselves trying to fight her. Around here we call it "dropping the rope" - stop any endless, unwinnable court battles, and just focus on doing what you can to keep a relationship with the kid for as long as possible.
Be advised though- this is the kind of BM who will alienate the father, mess up the kid, and then dump her on your doorstep when the BF leaves her.
Or dump the kid when they lack any basic respect
Civility etc due to there being no proper boundaries and nurturing. So when going gets too tough, this kind of bio mum will dump her kids at your door and still expect to collect cs. When the father says no that bio mum has primary custody and the father needs to work to be able to pay cs, this kind of bio mum has no shame demanding daddys hoe provide free childcare for her kid thats supposed to be her responsibility and doesn't see anything wrong about that.
Or dump the kid when they lack any basic respect
Civility etc due to there being no proper boundaries and nurturing. So when going gets too tough, this kind of bio mum will dump her kids at your door and still expect to collect cs. When the father says no that bio mum has primary custody and the father needs to work to be able to pay cs, this kind of bio mum has no shame demanding daddys hoe provide free childcare for her kid thats supposed to be her responsibility and doesn't see anything wrong about that.
"BM is a liar"...
"BM is a liar"...
Of course she is. Most high conflict BM's are. At the core they have a mental health problem.
Advise???
---let bm have all the holidays. EVERY SINGLE one. Including kids birthdays, even fathers day.
Plan to celebrate when the kids shows up. PS dont mail gifts, bm will likely sell it or pawn it.
AND do NOT send gift cards, she will sell them OR spend them OR buy gifts with dh's gift cards saying they were from her.
Tell the kiddos' you have gifts for them when they come over. The things you buy for them stay in their home...your home that is.
*If you suspect drug use in bm's home, contact police and let them figure it out* Chances are high IF your bm is busted it is because another druggie ratted her out. Just saying*.
I am a total and immediate
I am a total and immediate confrontation guy when it comes to the shallow and polluted gene pool of the toxic blended family opposition. When they get shitty, it is game on. I practice total destruction legally, financially, socially, and I make sure the Skid has total and complete information on them in an age appropriate manner. Everthing. Arrest records, divorce records, court records and recordings, etc.......... We also make sure SS has the full facts regarding our side of the blended family divide. We started this early but did not go with introducing him to the official records until he was about 8-12yo. And only then when he started coming home with crap like "Gramma says mom stole me from them." "Gramma says I can't call you dad because you are not my REAL dad you are only my Step Dad." "Gramma says that mom is mean making them pay CS and they can't feed my sister and brothers because they are paying CS for me." The look on his face when I put $133 on the table and told him that was all they pay every month for their court ordered support obligation to him was heart breaking. They had been telling him that the only way we could afford to buy a home, cars, take vacations, and buy groceries was the pittance in CS that they paid. After that he would ask to see our dinner check when we went out for dinner, our grocery bill when we stocked up at the grocery store, etc.... He knew unequivocally that they were full of shit. He came to that conclusion on his own as he learned to smell their bullshit.
He could always tell when their lies did not pass the smell test and once he had access to our comprehensive files on the Custody/Visitation/Support case he would do his own research when they spouted their shit.
Now at 29yo he is more than capable of protecting himself from their crap and he does it very well. He has been keeping them in their place for ~15 years. He does it so well that they pretty much crawl under the slime covered rock they reside under in the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool and they stay there. He is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by three different baby mamas. SS is kicking ass in life, #2 is barely keeping her nose above water, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind #3.
He is an only child in our family. His mom and I married the week before he turned 2yo. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
IMHO Dad and you have to do what is necessary to protect his kid from the shallow and polluted end of her gene pool.
Good luck.
After almost 100K down the
After almost 100K down the drain fighting to be in my SS's life, I can say that for a BM like that- it isn't worth it. BM will win in the end, either through court or alienation.
I agree with Thumper. Keep the status quo, don't send gifts, keep them at your house. Be the example of what a calm and loving home looks like and avoid drama. Always tell SD she is welcome any time and that you love her and want her to be with you guys. That's it. That is the simple answer to save your sanity and finances.
That is a crap ton of money.
That is a crap ton of money. I'm sorry you have spent so much with limited results.