Good friend make me feel terrible about SS
Today i've seen a very good friend of mine. We see each other around christmas every year as she lives near my parent.
Today we talked about our lives, like normal friends. She take somes news about DS and DH, but then started to talk about SS.
According to her DH must take SS full time custody to "fix him" from manipulative MIL and BM education.
She let me understand that DH wasn't a good father to rise two children in two different ways. SS needs and deserves the same education than DS. It's not fair to him.
I tried to explain my point of view, that you just can't take a custody as easily, and even if he succeed, SS is 10 and won't magically forget MIL and BM influence. That BM will keep sending him to MIL, and that it just would be a nightmare to everyone including ME.
But she stayed on her line, DH wasn't doing the right things for his oldest son.
I know she didn't wanted to be mean. I'm sure she is convinced it's easy to "fix" children just like that. But it make me feel terrible.
Plus, she is has no steplife, and doesn't even know what she is talking about.
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Did she give you any
Did she give you any strategies for "taking custody"? Is she from a patriarchal country where men own the kids?
She sounds like more of a busybody than a good friend. Nothing like criticizing your DH for not doing something he can't do. Does she think getting custody means BM disappears? Would she like to fund your custody battle?
Ugh, I'm annoyed for you.
She was more thinking about
She was more thinking about how DH should convince SS to come and live with us. But sure, she doesn't have any idea about how it's difficult to have full custody, especially when a child spent 10 years living with her BM.
About the strategy, she talked about how DH must do everything he can and fight to death to save his son.
Finally, right, she must be convinced that if SS comes and lives with us, his mother influence will magically disappeared
So she wanted your DH to
So she wanted your DH to alienate SS against his mother so he'd choose (at 10) to come live with him. I don't know about Family Court in France, but here in the US, kids don't get a choice at age 10. Was she thinking that DH should alienate SS completely so he never spoke to his mother again and didn't go see her - to eliminate any influence from BM? Who by the way, SS LOVES because it's his mother?
I'm sorry, but she's giving horrible advice. You've seen the devastation of alienation on a child from your MIL. Next time tell her she really has no clue what she's talking about and change the subject.
She was more thinking about
She was more thinking about convincing SS and BM to accept an amicable agreement (and even keep on providing BM financial childsupport to avoid any opposition) and invert custoy : SS at our home, and BM visitation half holidays.
Just like if it was the magical solution !
And there you have it -
And there you have it - irrevocable proof that she's an idiot.
Right - she has no idea what
Right - she has no idea what she's talking about, and has no business making you feel bad about something she doesn't really understand.
Please don't feel bad. Like
Please don't feel bad. Like you said, she doesn't have a clue what she's talking about. In France, the mother would have to endanger, harm or abandon the child ... or commit a crime. It's pretty black and white. Or does she think bm would just meekly hand the kid over to your DH?
Next time she (or anyone else) starts on this kind of crap, tell her that it would be cheaper and easier to just hire a hit man for your MIL
You make my day ! So true !
You make my day ! So true ! Not to forget SIL !
I know i shouldn't feel bad about what she said, but it's really hard for me to realize that in our society, it's only question about poor Skids and how father and step mom should sacrify their lifes and own child to a lost cause.
When i'm saying lost cause, i'm talking about fighting for custody and sacrify everything to "fix" SS.
Ignore her
And if she brings this up again ask her exactly how she suggests getting custody in full detail with real life examples of when others have been successful.
Or don't discuss SS with her and if she brings it up say something like 'That's interesting'' and change the subject. Sadly most people who aren't in a difficult step situation can't understand.
Yes, you are right.
Yes, you are right.
It's hard to realise that even for friends or family, we are just the mean ones.
It's true that most don't
It's true that most don't understand. But I found that the mark of my true friends was that they would listen and empathize, even if they had never experienced it, rather than give dumb and hurtful advice. If one of my friends had ever said what OP's friend said, I'd have never brought up the topic again. I'm sure OP's DH has enough guilt about what his mother and BM do, he doesn't need "friends" to tell him there is a simple, magic solution that he's negligent for not applying to the situation.
"He's wrong for raising SS differently! He should just get custody!" Eff off.
That what i'm going to do,
That what i'm going to do, never talk about my steplife ever with that friend
Ignore
If I've learned anything in StepHell....unless you've personally walked this journey, you have no damn idea. It's so easy to throw out advice and condemnation when one doesn't know a thing about the subject. Another thing I've learned in StepHell....be careful about who you choose to talk to about the step issues. Unless that person is walking the journey or is known to be empathetic, I just avoid the topic or give flippant answers.
You are not a bad person. Your DH is not bad. Your friend? Not much of a friend, in my books.
Yes you are right. Most of
Yes you are right. Most of the time, i don't talk about my steplife. But today, i needed to decompress from the situation. I shouldn't
Your friend has no clue. I
Your friend has no clue. I agree with everyone else that unless she is a SM (with a similar set of step dynamics because no 2 steps are alike) then her opinion doesn't count.
Thank you Elea for your
Thank you Elea for your comment :)
Steplife will never be undestand to common people.
What was her relationship
What was her relationship with her own parents? I ask, because I had a friend tell me something similar (that we needed to get custody of SSs to "save them" from their mother). She was saying this because she grew up with a chaotic, likely borderline mother herself, so hearing about my SSs' experiences reminded her of her own childhood experience.
Hi strugglingSM, it's a smart
Hi strugglingSM, it's a smart though ! Her parents still together but her dad is alcoholic and her mother was laxist with her. She has been an only child for ten year ans then she had a sister.
Sadly
This is pretty much the only place I can discourse about steplife as well as a few facebook groups.
The outside world simply has no understanding.
Your friend - well, perhaps another time would be best to help her understand, but it doesnt seem like she really even tried. She was lacking in empathy. So, you know who she is now. Im sure you felt a little bit of betrayal, but just realise her limitations. Thats all you can do. You can try sending her internet links, maybe, in relation to family court issues...or not. It doesnt sound like she is willing to even listen to you.