Overnights at the Boyfriends
Hello all.
My SD, 18 and freshman in college is home from the holidays. Well, correction, off for semester break. Since coming back from school she has only stayed home Friday and Saturday... Sunday, Monday, Tuesday all spent the night at the boyfriends house, who lives with his grandfather.
She doesn't ask, she just does whatever she wants... and tell DH. I never know when she is coming or going.
She did something similar for Thanksgiving break. Stay of Wednesday, but Thanksgiving evening went to the boyfriends and never came back but to get the clothes and return to to school Sunday. My DH left for hunting camp on Thursday.... so he didn't know and now all the sudden he is irriated that she has not been around since she has been back for the holiday break.
To top this... she also did extremely poorly her 1st semester of college and ended herself on academic probation.
My BD 19 has her own apartment at school so she is really home for break. My BS 21, commutes so is home all the time.... and SD 18 truly wants nothing to do with us.
What would you do, say something about her not being around and how inappropriate it is to stay at the BF grandfathers house for days on end? I personally find it to be appalling. I can tell DH is angry, I just don't know if he will ever do anything about it? I mean sleeping together at the grandfathers house, how disrespectful can you actually be?
What would I do or say?
What would I do or say? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. This is DH's to handle. If he asks your advice, then you can offer some. If he's irritated, then he needs to say something to HER, not just harumph around the house taking his irritation out on everybody else. I would call him out on THAT behavior since it affects you directly.
I definitely wouldn't include SD in any plans you make, such as meals, since you don't know if she'll be there or not and she isn't considerate enough to let anybody know.
What should you do? Nothing
What should you do? Nothing about the nights away. That's the dad's to deal with.
Cooking. If I don't know you will be here for a meal, I am not cooking for you.
The only thing I might do is ask if she wanted the phone number of the local Planned Parenthood clinic so she could make a birth control appointment while she was home. (That would be for my self preservation. I'd be afraid we'd end up supporting the baby.)
I personally think once kids
I personally think once kids have been away at college on their own, they should be able to come and go as they please - but with some common courtesy of letting a parent know where they are and when they can be expected back, or if they are coming for meals, staying gone all night, etc.
However, this is not your kid, so let her do as she pleases and let DH handle it. And if BF's grandfather doesn't care, why should you?
I am just so overwhelmed
When she started dating this boy/man she kept it a secret - she was only 16. He was 21. I was completely against it. Her BM allowed them to go to her camp for the weekend, we found out on our anniversary night. DH so kindly brought it to my attention over our anniversay dinner.. To me that seemed illegal, to take a minor across state lines and I was so upset, DH was also upset and told her to break it off. She said she did, but she didn't, the continued to sneak until DH thought it would be best to just have awareness and instead of them sneaking around. As soon as he gave in, she asked to be put on the pill. She wanted me to make her an appointment and go with her, but I refused. I said, that is something your father has to take you to do (he had full custody, BM didn't have any visitations with her in 4 years - she saw her here and there at the Grandparents etc.) as I was not in favor of giving her the green light to be freely taken advantage of in my opinion a statuory case. I guess DH thought it to be safer than sorry and took her.... so here we are going on 2 years later, they are still together to my dismay.
She is in college (well at least for now) and he works in the grocery store, not in school, no ambition, mooching off his poor grandfather. They are not doing it at my home as that would never be permitted. I can count on 1 hand how many times he has been to my home. But being that she is in college, that is why I don't really say anything about her coming home at night. It just bothers me that this is how she acts and it is terribly embarrsing that I help raise her and this is how she turned out.
It is so disrespecful to DH and BF Grandfather. I am just beside myself with her nonsense.
But if DH and grandfather won
But if DH and grandfather won't do anything about it, why are you beside yourself? Let it go - she's not your kid, you didn't cause this and you can't control it.
In many US states, the age of consent is 16, so if that's the case in your state, her being with a 21-year-old was not illegal. I think you will find peace if you accept your lack of control over any of this. At 18, she can legally do whatever she wants, and if your DH can't/won't hold her accountable, there is very little you can do, short of leaving your DH and/or kicking her out of your home and changing the locks whether DH likes it or not.
I mean why are you against
I mean why are you against her being on the pill? Would you have preferred her to get pregnant? She's going to have sex one way or the other, not being on the pill want going to stop it. Not having permission isn't going to stop it.
If DH doesn't care about her staying with her bf, then it's none of your business, not your child not your responsibility.
Not opposed
I am not opposed of her being on the pill. Actually I am relieved that she is at least responsible for that. I was opposed of taking her to the appointment. I didn't think it was my place and frankly, DH really needed to know the severity of what was happening and take some responsibility for his child.
I am relieved that I hopefully won't have to be caring for a child, and covering the costs of prenatal care!
Agree
You don't have to take her to the appointment. Though at 18 no one has to take her LOL. Does she drive? Even if she doesn't the BF should take her then. Legally any doctor would prescribe this right away.
Not at 18…
The appointment was at 16... I carry the insurance, the co payments come to me and sit on my counter for me to pay. I disnt have rhe legal status to take her. I insisted DH take her. After all it's his daughter
OK
Though at 16 most docs would still write that RX. Better to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. You're right to ask DH to take her to the appt if you were uncomfortable with it.
While DH had custody
I didn't feel that it was my place to take her. Her Dad need to take responsibility for his daughter. Her mom, while wants nothing to do with her that required any sort of parenting or financial responisibilty only lives 2 blocks away. She could have asked her. But she asked me and when she was 16, I had zero legal rights to take her to do that. I am so glad she is on the pill. I can't even imagine if she wasn't ... I would be a babysitter, diaper changer, bottle feed and baby atm machine!
Extenuating circumstances.... in my life experences.
My DW was 16yo when SS-29 was born. The statutory rapist SpermIdiot was 23. My ILs declined to put him in prison because of then 16yo DW's request for them not to. Like your DH and the BM, they dropped the ball on that opportunity not only to protect their daughter but also every other underage girl in the region. His tally is 4 all out of wedlock SPawn by 3 different baby mamas. Two underage when the Spawn were whelped.
In another related experience, I have a former employee who was charged with statutory rape and transporting a minor across state lines for purposes of having sex. When she was of age they married and had three kids at the time he worked for me. Her father had pressed charges. More than 5 years after the charges were filed and several hearings he went to prison for 9mos. For having children with his wife. I had to get a release from my customer to have him return to his job. Customer holier than thou busy bodies were all up in arms. The plant manager had to shut them down and chase them under their rocks. They are still married and have been for nearly 20 years.
If your DH does not care enough to have put his ass in prison when she was 16. it is too late now.
You can't care more than her father does. At this point, she is doing what healthy young people do.
Get over it.
Disengage
I would tell DH she hasn't been around but its up to him to handle. Frankly I would be glad she was gone.
From the standpoint of it being disrespectful - she is 18 and legally an adult. You may have feelings about it but you should avoid judging her. Though of course you have the right to insist that BF does not spend the night in your home.
I get that its annoying to have someone come and go like that but since it is only over break I would just grin and bear it. Now if she flunks out of college and comes crawling back home - that is a different story with a different set of rules. But for a visit I would just tell DH and then go about my own business.
BF Grandfather is a grown-arse adult so no need to fret for him at all.
At 18 she is going to be
At 18 she is going to be doing these things at either your home, or the BFs. If you forbid it in your home, she will either stay at BFs or find her own place.
My parents were completely aware of reality. After all, they eloped at 17 & 19 respectively.
When I was in my early 20s my GF and I shared a room on a family vacation. My parents had no issue with it. We respected that we could not be bouncing off of the walls as to not make anyone overtly uncomfortable with it.
As the addage goes, discretion is the better part of valor. Particularly with this type of thing.
IMHO of course.
I am aware of the reality but
I am aware of the reality but don't want it happening in my home. I am not blind the the situation I just don't approve of the gu or the the relationship that was portrayed as a lie to our faces.
it try to disengage and then am accused of being distant. I have nothing good to say, so Inreally try to say nothing.... the entire situation just gives me undue stress. 10 years of coddling and kissing ass to a kid.
How can you get to a point
How can you get to a point where you can get past this so it does not deter from your life and happiness?
I don't have any specific suggestions but I hope you can make it happen. For your own sake.
I thought life was going to get better
Once all the kids were in college. I thought I was going to set them up for success and finally fell relieved. The kids really don't talk, blend as a family would. There is tension in my house when they are there together. My BS hates how my DH talks to me. My BD sees the tears in my eyes and gets enraged. I am in anxiety and depression medicine now. I really tried. I am just exhausted from trying
Your own kids see it. Time for you to see it too.
Please leave now. Don't wait. Just go. He speaks to you in ways your own son finds reprehensible.
Act, don't think. GO!
Save yourself and your kids.
Counseling
I'm hoping your in some given your medication. If you're not - please seek some. And if your really at this point - maybe you do need some space for your own sanity.
But the reality is your SD is 18 - so short of you leaving , or banning her altogether - the compromise (part of marriage, no?) is to cope. You do that by communicating openly with your DH and in counseling.
Good luck but I do think you have more work to do on you than you may realize.
If your H doesn't treat you
If your H doesn't treat you well to the point that your kids notice it and don't like it, why do you stay with your husband? Are you at least in counseling?
Disengage
So SD ifs staying at BF. It's not at your home. There adults, they can do what they want. Just remove it from your mind.
Let DH handle it. As long that it's not costing you time or money. So what
I had a friend who went to
I had a friend who went to college at 18, and decided she would tell her parents she could do whatever she wanted to do at home since she was of legal age. Her parents agreed they couldn't put a curfew on her anymore, but they could put a curfew on the car they paid for and carried on their insurance. She could do whatever, but that damn car had to be in the driveway by midnight or they were reporting it stolen.
More ways than one to scale a fish.
Manipulator
Well if we owned the car that would be a great option. But she was raised by master manipulators and while doing poorly in college she has for sure ACE'd the manipulator class. You see, she convinced her randparents (BM Parents) to reliquish their car to her, signed it right over to her as a gift. 2017 Toyota Rav4 ... you know because pappy was getting old, his eyes were not good anymore and it was safe for him to drive. Left this poor older couple without a vehicle. No way to get to their appointments or food shopping. That is all I have to say about that.
If your DH treats you poorly,
If your DH treats you poorly, then I don't see what's it to do with who SD sleeps with. She is an adult. Whenever people are extremely upset about totally mundane things, the issue is always something else. Whatever it is, you are probably afraid to address it so you focus on mundane. If you are treated badly then address it and either leave this man or try couples therapy or something. But being that upset over what grown skids do is extreme and not healthy