Is this rude or is it just me?
When my boyfriend drives SS10 and SD12 at the end of their visits, I always say bye to them and they say bye back. This is important to me because I think it shows respect and makes me feel like I am important to their visit/it being enjoyable since I do so much for them. When they were younger, boyfriend used to make them give me hugs, but they've aged out of that. I've told him a few times that I expect them to say goodbye and that he can help me by reminding them to. Today i was in the kitchen as they were leaving and I didn't say anything just to see what would happen and they just walked out the door (only boyfriend said bye to me.)
They have no problem saying hello so what is it with bye? I know baby mama has poisoned them against me so my brain goes crazy thinking well are they just doing it to be rude? They are not rude at all otherwise. Is this a battle I should just choose to lose and continue initiating the goodbyes for a dutiful response or should I push the issue and make my wishes known?
I don't think I'm being unreasonable at all! What do you guys think? Again they are children so I get I have to be the one to initiate manners most of the time but one spontaneous goodbye to me to show they realize they won't see me for 4 days would be nice. Boyfriend says they don't say bye to their mom when they're leaving and that it's not personal at all, they just don't think about it. I feel he should teach them to think about it? Or do I just let it go for the sake of peace?
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I'd let it go
I realize that this is a flash point for you but I doubt if they are doing it out of disrespect. It sounds like they are just normal 10 and 12yo boys. I'd give them a pass and continue to say goodbye to them. Good luck.
If they are not rude in other
If they are not rude in other ways, then let it go. I think you are making a much bigger deal of this than you need to. Do you say goodbye to them, or just wait for them to initiate? You know they are leaving so it would be logical to say goodbye as they leave. If they ignored you then, I would agree it's rude. But if you are waiting for them to initiate, it seems like you are just trying to prove a point rather than caring to say goodbye.
If this is the only issue you have with them, be thankful!
In the situation you
In the situation you described.. either the kids or you could have initiated the "goodbye". So, I don't think it's necessarily them trying to be rude. When they are leaving, they likely have a lot on their minds.... remembering all their stuff. looking forward to seeing mom.. thinking about missing dad etc... That they didn't say the first goodbye is likely not any attempt to be rude to you.
If you HAD said goodbye to them (clearly loud enough to hear it and clearly directed at them).. and they didn't respond? I would say that was more likely to be a rude reflection since they were ignoring you.
I'm also not a huge fan of double secret tests that people have no idea are occuring... tests of loyalty etc.. I would also think about how much you would miss someone who seems like they are overly focused on always trying to tell me how to live my life.. tell me what to do. And.. while you may do a lot for their benefit, if you mean things like cooking, cleaning, laundry etc??? you are actually doing things FOR your SO.. they are his kids and those things are his responsibility.. so when you do them you do them for him.. not the kids. you are relieving him of some of the burden of raising his kids. I'm not sure it's that logical to expect that young kids show proper respect and gratitude to parents for doing things that are naturally part of raising and providing for them. In hindsight, I'm thankful my parents did things for me.. but I'm not sure I thanked them wholeheartedly for washing my laundry.. for putting every plate of eggs in front of me. They were my parents.. they were supposed to take care of me.
I think that you should continue to say goodbye...even if you have to do it first.. and your SO should support the exchange and prompt his kids if they don't respond.
Yes, agreed. If she's
Yes, agreed. If she's choosing to function in a parent role, it's not reasonable to expect young kids to be grateful for that. They have a right to expect adults to care for them, and if OP and SO have decided to set it up with her in a parenting role then it makes sense the kids would take that for granted.
Agree with how they are
Agree with how they are otherwise. My SDs, when they were around 10/8 decided to "freeze me out." (we all know who was instigator of that one...OSD). They would not answer at all to me for anything, ignored me like I wasn't there and if directly addressed, "Hello" or "Goobye" sometimes they would turn their backs. DH certainly noticed and stopped it quite quickly.
At almost 16, I don't really care any longer if SD says anything or not. She usually says 'bye if I'm in the room and always says hello on coming to our home. But if she doesn't I don't think she's being mean about it so I don't worry.
"boyfriend used to make them
"boyfriend used to make them give me hugs"
It is inappropriate to force affection with anyone, ever.
"I do so much for them"
Don't. They aren't your kids. Disengage.
Lower your expectations and take a step back.