My 6 year old son causing huge blended family issues
I have two boys (6 and 9) and my partner has a boy (8) and a girl (5). All the kids love each other 'step parents' and get along really well. With the exception of my 6 year old. He adores my partner but is really struggling with everything else. He likes the idea of it all and gets excited when we are going to spend time together (not yet living together but plan to).
the eldest two boys are close and he can't keep up with them so feels pushed out. He's always been a tad defiant (busy mostly cute and sweet) but his defiance is amplified 10 fold when we are together. He won't listen, he'll start to play and then the minute it doesn't go his way he'll storm off or ruin the game, kick, hit, scream at people. He'll have huge tantrums and we struggle to recover him from them. He has admitted he feels left out, but all efforts to include him are lost as he just kicks off within a few minutes if anything happens to upset him. My partner has been super understanding but we need to find a way though this or we can never live together. The other children are starting to say they don't want to play with him at all because of his behaviour. It's heartbreaking and also so frustrating
I get it
When DH and I got together, his son, OSSthen8, and my son, DSthen7, bonded. They did everything together. We also had SDthen10 and DDthen6. YSSthen4 tried to keep up but it was a struggle. He seemed more defiant and competitive than the others. His behavior wasn't as angry as your son"s, but looking back, it probably wasnt easy for him. I dont have any suggestions, just empathy about the struggles of blending a family.
For what it's worth, YSSnow54 is still a very competitive person.
Thanks. Did he eventually
Thanks. Did he eventually clam down and find his place in the group more?
Yes, kind of
He was DH's favorite child (BM's, too) so that helped ease the "I can't keep up with them" issue. He sort of carved out his own family niche as the comedian and athlete. And, he's still funny and athletically gifted.
If it had been my son in this position, rather than DH's, I don't know what I'd have done. It's a tough situation.
Can you try counseling with
Can you try counseling with him? Or for yourself to learn some parenting techniques for dealing more effectively with his outbursts? Sometimes kids can throw you a curveball and it's usually helpful to get extra support. Whether things work out with your SO or not your son is going to need to learn to deal with negative feelings in a more stable way. If he doesn't it's going to cause trouble at school and he could have trouble making friends.
On a side note, this is the age my SS was diagnosed with ADD, might keep an eye out and check in with any other adults who watch him for signs he might be struggling. I only say this because you mentioned he has a tendency to be defiant so it's worth thinking about.
Thanks. I've tried
Thanks. I've tried counselling to get help to learn to manage the meltdowns (none of that made a deference) and read every book on defiant behaviour. He's also seeing a healthy minds counsellor at school at my request - the school think he is an angel. He has lots of friends, he's bright, he never gets told off. I've had exactly those concerns about his inability to handle negative emotions however he doesn't seem to exhibit then in such a manner except for when we are all together. For instance, I took them away for a week on my own and he was an absolute pleasure. Can't think of anything I had to even raise my voice about. We are also working through an anger management activity book at home each night. I'm at a loss!
Well, when your BF's son is
Well, when your BF's son is around, your 6 yo loses his brother. Not surprising that he's acting out. He probably doesn't really want be left out and have to play with a 5-year-old girl. This is why blended families are so hard, everything changes for everyone, and in this case your older son gains a brother and your younger one loses one.
As the youngest of 4, I feel this still, and I'm in my 50s. It sucks to be excluded by older siblings who are good friends and leave you out.
ETA: Please put your son's needs first and sort this out before you move in together.
Valuable perspective
I never thought of it like that, thanks for your perspective.
Yes, I totally understand
Yes, I totally understand that this is what's happening. I just don't know how to better the situation for him and help him feel less pushed out and more included.
Don't allow them to exclude
Don't allow them to exclude and bully him. Doesn't mean they have to allow him to do everything they do, but if your older son would normally play with him, he shouldn't cut him out entirely when your BF's son is there. Also, you and BF should have a talk with both older boys about treating the younger one well and how he might feel when they exclude him.
At least, I wish that's what my parents had done then. My siblings still exclude me and nothing was ever said to them.
Finally, work with the younger one on anything he might do that makes it worse. But please don't just make it all his problem and expect him to "get over it".
He's not "causing" the issues. You are choosing to disrupt his life in order to have a partner and he shouldn't be blamed for reacting to changes that affect him in a negative way. That's not a fair perspective.
Why are the elder 2 not able to include the 6yr old in
Their activities/playing etc?
ages aren't that far off that surely they can include him in some stuff.
I don't tolerate outbursts with my 2 kids daughter is almost 6 and son is 4.5. They play together well and i've always emphasized "sharing is caring", we share toys and we play together because it is more fun to have friends and include others so they don't feel left out.
now there are times where my son wants his sister to hold his hand and walk together to the car or to a certain place or he will cry. When my daughter says no, i tell her she made her brother really sad and thats not very nice as a big sister. They end up doing things together.
different genders isn't always the issue, its just some people use that as an excuse. Heck my daughter was 2 and playign with her boy cousins in her princess dress taking all their toy guns to play with. Family laughed about it and her cousins too
Have your kids been in a
Have your kids been in a situation where one has a friend his age in the neighborhood/over for a play date, and one doesn't? My SDs are 9 and 6 and they were always the best of friends, and played nicely together, until a friend entered the mix. Almost invariably, one gets left out at that point.
When this first happened, there would be meltdowns and hurt feelings, but over time (and when the younger one went to school and found her own friends to play with) things got better. They're not as close as they once were, but I attribute that to age and exposure to others.
If this is the first time another kid has been thrown into the mix, then this seems pretty normal to me and probably will improve with time. If they've had other friends involved before and it's still an issue, I'd be more concerned about whether this will improve on its own. I would try to figure out if your older son wants to exclude his brother or if it's your BF's son, or both.
In any event, huge tantrums at 6 indicate that he can't control his emotions. Maybe he needs to see a therapist to learn some coping techniques.
A swat to the rump, a forced
A swat to the rump, a forced march to the nearest isolated corner, plant his nose in it, and he can stand there holding the intersecting walls up until everyone else gets tired. This is a 6yo not a 2yo. Tolerate nothing less than age appropriate behaviors.
He participates calmly or he does not participate.
Keep it simple.
Swat, march, nose in the corner.
Lather............... rinse.................... repeat.