This may sound extreme, but DH reading something he knew was private and then getting mad about it might be a dealbreaker for me. At the very least it would damage my trust immensely. What a jerk. 
 

That being said, I can't imagine calling DH names like that and still feeling like I could stay with him. That sounds like you hate him or hold him in contempt. 

So I am no longer supposed to do their laundry, clean up after them, or clean SD's bathroom.

I'd do exactly as he suggested. Get some baskets for their laundry and let it pile up. SD has her own bathroom. Don't go in. The trash can can overflow. It can remain unflushed. SD takes care of her room. Don't care if the sheets stay on the bed for months. Don't cleanup after them. They don't put their dishes in the dishwasher, the dishes stay on the table. 

I would be livid that he violated my trust.  He sounds very controlling.

If he wants you to not do those things then definitely stop.  I would let him have it about reading the diary though.

He violated your trust and disrespected basic boundaries of your relationship... and now he's mad at you. You realize he's the problem here right?

What you were doing was a healthy coping strategy. I don't know how you rebuild trust with someone like this. For now though I would not do anything for him or SD. Let him deal with it since that is what he wants. If he reaches a calm point where he's willing to listen you should tell him how hurtful this violation is. I hope at some point he'll talk this out with you but the fact that he did it says that there's some pretty deep issues here.... 

HUGE invasion of privacy on your DH's behalf.  He shouldn't have gone looking for something to be pissed off about.  If things were all rainbows and roses, y'all wouldn't be in therapy in the first place.

I'd throw his anger right back at him, and ask him what the eff was he doing reading your diary.  Then I'd follow his new "rules" to the nth degree.  He can be responsible for the house not turning into a literal shit pit.

To invade your privacy in such a way and then be angry at you?? WTF??? I think you know the problem. It's your DH. I'm with the majority. I don't know how I could go on with someone like this. I'm so sorry.

I am sorry that his character is so lacking that he invaded that intensely personal space.

That said, I read my XW's diary. She moved out and left it along with all of her academic records and papers for her BS degree.  Papers that included the rough drafts of every paper she was assigned for 3 years of her BSRN program.  All in my hand writing, paired with the graded typed final editions.  I never got less than a B on any of her papers.  And only one of those. The rest were A papers.

So, when we went through the divorce process I would beat her and her attorney over the head with notarized copies of her academic fraud and the adulterous escapades from her diary ... in her own hand writing.

Diaries certainly can be a double edged sword if you do not keep them secure.

My DW keeps a diary at least intermittently.  I have never touched it.  I would not do that.

As for not doing anything further for DH and his nasty spawn, abide by his wishes.  First buy a shed and have it set up right outside the back door of your home. As their nasty shit is left in the home, toss it in the shed.  Anything they leave in the common areas, pile it in the shed.  Dirty clothes left in the laundry room ----> shed.  Shoes left by the front door -----> shed.  Their dishes from dinner or pans, etc they do not take care of --> shed.  No oganization, just toss it on top of the pile and let it fester until they deal with it.  Put locks on a cabinet for the dishes, pans, etc... that you use and keep clean.  

After he cries to you about it, point out that you did exactly as he stipulated and if he ever touches your diary again that he and his spawn will be ossed on top of their festering crap ---> in the shed.

This guy pisses me off. Why would you have anything more to do with him, his lack of character, and his shallow and polluted gene pool?

You shouldn't be doing any of those chores anyway. Maybe it's good he read all that. Isn't he the guy who would rather go to BM's house for a virtual conference than learn how to log in himself, too? Your situation sounds crappy. A 10-year-old whiny, messy, complaining mini wife and a dad who won't parent her? What do you have to lose by demanding he treat you how he should and parent his daughter how he should? 

I would explain to him that this was recommended by the counselor, who you are seeing to try to make things better, for you to write down your innermost thoughts instead of saying them out loud. He was wrong to read it, and now he has the privilege of knowing the thoughts that you kept to yourself so you wouldn't hurt his feelings. Any hurt feelings he has are his own damn fault. 

That's just a total breach of trust. DH keeps journals and has a ton of them. I've never read them. He asked me not to early on and I told him I'd never do so unless he wanted me to. Apparently BM did read some at one point and of course, she held it against him.

The marriage counselor asked to yo keep a diary and DH read it.  ???  You are wasting your time with the marriage counseling.  DH can't play by any rules except his rules. 
Let DH take care of SD and make your exit plan. There no hope in this marriage 

My first thought is this: by getting mad at you he is stealing your right to be angry that he deliberately invade your privacy and robbed you of your trust in him. Tell him to *beep beep beep* back up the damn bus. You have the right to your feelings. You have the right to more anger over him doing this. 

As for his ulimatum? do exactly that. nadda damn tootin thing. nothing. nil. none. zip to the o. 

I keep coming across this meme: "What someone says about you behind your back is none of your business."  The contents of your diary is none of his business.  My guess is it's the name calling that really has him angry.  He can't really get angry at you for stating that the bathroom is a mess and you feel as though you have to be the one to clean it.  That's just your truth and you have a right to feeling that way.  It may be incorrect, because you don't really have to clean up after everyone,  but it's what you believe to be true and that's why you took the time to write that in your PERSONAL journal.  He needs to understand that, if he brings it up again.  He needs to be told that when your councellor suggested that you keep a journal, the intention was never to share the journal with him, at any point. Your goal, in keeping this journal as instructed, was to hopefully strengthen your relationship. In keeping this journal, what you were endeavoring to do, was to not burden him with the mundane complaints of unclean bathrooms etc. 

However, he did cross the line when he read through it.  There has to be trust and boundaries in a relationship.  If you are going back to your counsellor again, it will be interesting to hear her opinion on his behavior.  

You did nothing wrong, other than not putting your diary in a more secure spot.  Then again, even if you had left it out on the bedroom dresser, and he knew that it was your own personal journal, then he is still the one in the wrong for having felt so entitled to go through it.  Now your trust in him has been shattered.

It sounds like you are pretty early on in your step-life journey.  I think some real soul searching might be needed. There very well may be some "times when he makes you happy", but perhaps that just won't be enough.  Really think about how you want your future to look, and be honest with yourself.  Good Luck.

My first thought is this: by getting mad at you he is stealing your right to be angry that he deliberately invade your privacy and robbed you of your trust in him.

Yep. Now, he's playing the victim and being mad at you, hoping, I'm sure, that you will "forget" to be appalled by what he did.

He's trying to make YOU the bad guy, make YOU feel guilty, make YOU feel like you should be the one apologizing.

The whole, "poor me, just don't do anything for me and my daughter, anymore", would not work on me. I would certainly take him up on that.

Everybody says things in their head that they wouldn't necessarily say out loud during times of anger. You wrote yours down to get it out, in what you thought was a safe space. Now, he's going to use that against you.

If you feel that you are hanging on to this negative relationship simply because you don't know how to let go, maybe this will help, maybe there's a reason this happened. You know that he does not respect your safe space. Nor is he your safe space (if that makes sense).

I would transition from marriage counseling to a counselor who can help you find the strength to leave this negative relationship. 

Are you ok JS? I thought I saw a note about separating but it disappeared. I hope you're alright. Let us know how it's going. Hugs

Things for hin. If he or his feral kids from exwife are being toxic disrespectful arseholes, well thats what i tell him they are. We tend to communicate this by messages and the rare occasion late evening in our bedroom discussing their crap attitudes and behaviours.

whatever stuff i post here are things i have said to me husband. When he claims to be upset and it hurts him how i feel and the horrible things i call his kids, i tell him that he's free to change things by making them pleasant to be around but since that isn't happening, toxic disrespectful arseholes is what they're called and will be and i refuse to subject myself or our 2 kids to their presence ever again.

the thing is, op dh can't act all blazee about things here and get angry at her. Surely he knows his daughter is filthy lazy and leaving a dirty bathroom and treating his wife like some bit*h maid which plenty of skids on steptalk are happy to do because it inflates their ego and gives them a power trip, instead of addressing these issues, he guilt trips and gaslights his wife as the problem.

nope, not today, not tomorrow, not ever in my life!!

So I am no longer supposed to do their laundry, clean up after them, or clean SD's bathroom.  You forgot to add cooking for them.

If this was me I would take this as the way out and start looking for divorce lawyers and some where else to live.  It's time to take the steps you need to do to get yourself into a better place to live and mentally.

I know you are hurt. I know you feel like a failure but you are not. The relationship failed, not you. Your husband failed you, not the other way around. He does not respect you or your privacy, or the marriage.

To fix problems in a relationship, it takes the work of BOTH people. Both people have to want it to work.

I think I'm holding on to a negative relationship. I just don't know how to let go.

Him telling you he wants to separate may be a blessing, since you don't feel like you are strong enough to end it, yourself.

If he threw out the idea of separation, then he'd better damn well be serious about it!  There is nothing worse then when someone uses that as a hurtful and idle threat. 

JS, you'll be fine.  You've done all the that you could possibly do to make this work.  He's not a good man if he does not acknowledge all of your efforts, and dammit girl...you deserve so much more!  You are not a failure.  Actually, he is more to blame here.  But blame is useless.  The union failed because the symmetry just wasn't right. 

Hold your head up, pack up your things with pride in knowing that you did what you could, and start to envision the peaceful days ahead of you in your next chapter.  You are walking away from this with a great deal more knowledge than you came into it with.  Everything that we do in life teaches us something.  If we're smart, we'll use those lessons to make our lives better down the road.  You're going to be okay.  Keep us posted...and hugs.

Just like everything else your DH has done the threat of seperation is part of the DARVO narrative.  He wants to use this for you to get in line and obey him.

You have done nothing wrong and should absolutely take him up on his offer of seperation.

Dear JustSurviving, I have a somewhat similar experience in terms of having lost the ability to trust my STBXH after major betrayal, years of gaslighting, love-bombing, RAGE-PITY-CHARM cycle, triangulation, DARVO, etc., as detailed in my blogs here the past few years. 

It doesn't get better with his kind. Even though my divorce is in-process (after HE routinely threatened the past 3 years, I filed & making it happen), he & skid are living elsewhere & my home has returned to being the safe, peaceful refuge & place of serenity (=buying myself flowers once a week because I'm gonna be good to me!), without any of that nightmare drama, resentment & insanity.

The hardest part was making the decision. My brain knew 2+ years before my heart did - I soooOOOoo wanted to be able to fix my marriage! Now I've accepted it, found a good attorney, filed, had STBXH served, and just have legal/financial paperwork to complete. I realized I'd been stuck / paralyzed by fear for the past 3 years & didn't want it to become 10/15/30 years of the same (only it wasn't static - it was getting worse!) nigtmare. 

You & me are worth more, JustSurviving. I want to encourage you to breathe, listen to your gut and prsy for carity & strength to take the next right actions for you.

I am so sorry you're even in this situation. (((HUGS)))