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Do skids hold grudges forever?

SeeYouNever's picture

Do stepkids ever get over grudges or do they just keep getting worse?

Lately SD14 has always got a grudge against DH for one thing or another. Sometimes she's not outright angry but acting like DH needs to grovel to get back on her good side. The worst thing is BM is totally encouraging this by saying things like "SD told me to tell you..." to DH. BM seems to live this type of petty drama and reliving her dramatic teenage days.

SD will refuse to talk to DH directly and sends messages through BM and who knows how the messages change on the way back and fourth. BM gives her 2 cents to DH about how to win her back and this has made DH defensive because he thinks BM is living vicariously through SD. It's so unhealthy and feels like emotional extortion and like BM is just teaching SD that money=love and how to play hard to get and get what she wants from men by withholding attention/affection. All it's doing is turning the relationship more transactional. DH usually refuses to give in to whatever demand and then the grudge continues. 

DH definitely played his part is setting up this dynamic. It used to be if SD was if Was ignoring him he would send her a small gift so she'd have to say thanks and they'd start talking again, then she stopped even acknowledging these gifts, so he stopped sending random things. Now SD/BM have started making requests, for much bigger things. BM even said "If you pay for this she might talk to you." Or "SD has got her eye on X if you get it for her she might talk to you, here's a link."

My DH is super frustrated and doesn't bite. But then BM gets annoyed and says he isn't appreciating SD enough. Lady I'm not sure what you think appreciate means...

Is this a teenager thing? Whenever we see SD she's perfectly pleasant but when DH asks her why she doesn't talk to him when she's with BM she says she's "busy" and clams up. It's like talking to a wall, she just won't engage or answer. It's so weird. 

DH says SD is acting like BM, she just wants him to suffer and spend money to prove his love, she doesn't actually want to fix their relationship. At this point I think it would take some grand guesture to get SD over it. DH said "I'm not her teenage boyfriend, I'm not going to stand under her window with a boombox." 

Comments

ESMOD's picture

When BM starts the "Sd said.. or If you got her this xxx"

The patent answer is.  SD is old enough to contact me directly if she needs to tell me something.  I have reached out to her several times recently and she has ignored my contact attempts.  But you do not need to act as an intermediary... if she wants to speak to me, she knows my number.

SD needs to learn the basic truth that people tend to do nice things for people that are nice to them.  No DH doesn't want to shower his petulant teen with gifts to pry some small attention from her.  But my YSD got a lot of treats from me personally because she was just plain nice to ME.  She wasn't sucking up perse to get the gifts.. but I felt like being a more generous person to someone who was genuinely nice and appreciative to ME.

SeeYouNever's picture

"SD needs to learn the basic truth that people tend to do nice things for people that are nice to them."

Ding ding ding! There are words for people who give affection in exchange for money. 

It's like the line from the Taylor Swift song "boys only want love if it's torture" no Tay Tay, maybe this is why you're still single. 

Ispofacto's picture

Too late in the game DH adopted "the worse she behaves the LESS she gets" mentality.  That caused a narcissistic meltdown which led to a string of heinous behavior, but maybe your results will be better.  The reasoning is sound, at least.  Just expect it to excalate before it gets better.

 

 

Cover1W's picture

This is a big part of what DH is dealing with, it's PAS with SDalmost18.

When SDthen14 decided to leave our home and never come back and DH was mean (because he started to hold her accountable for her actions, really part of the issue as he STARTED to do this, and wouldn't let her run our household) all communications went through BM. Note that BM LET her leave DH and never come back, not once did she insist on OSD maintaining a relationship with her dad.

BM, "She doesn't feel comfortable talking with you right now." 

"She has offered to provide you with her email address...."  ,

"She's upset because you said X, Y or Z"

"I feel that if she meets with you it will make her more upset."

Etc., etc., etc. WHO KNOWS what was goiing on - basically BM controlled, and continues to control everything. Like the college stuff. He's not had a conversation wtih OSD about college. One call was arranged, on BMs phone with BM listening, but OSD got upset because DH was asking her questions (the first time they spoke in over two years).

DH is kind of at a place where he's like, she's almost 18 and will hopefully be out of BMs house. But he's not catering to her at all, ever. She's ruined that for him. It is PAS, but also OSD was always a 'mean girl' so who knows what'll happen in the future. BMs put all reconciliation onto DH - who has no ability to actually reconcile; DH recently told BM to "...ask OSD what she wants, does she or does she not want to reconcile? If so, how?" Still no answer after weeks.

SeeYouNever's picture

This is just a window into the future 4 years for us. Neither b m or d h went to college they did some classes but they never had the full college experience. I have and I would probably be a good person for SD to talk to you about all of it but if you won't talk to DH she certainly won't be talking to me.

We get that same faux concern from BM, she acts like she wants them to reconsile but it's pretty clear she doesn't.

 

Cover1W's picture

Yes DH used to say that BM does have concern for OSD and wants this to get better and she's a good mother blah blah blah.  I never ever ever agreed with him. I mean the state of the SDs when I met them and their issues were NOT only due to DH....

"DH she doesn NOT have your back and does NOT care about you the dad. Stop acting like she's on your side, she's not."  Repeat.

hereiam's picture

Daughters can hold grudges against fathers for a long time, especially with BMs (or others) whispering in their ears.

He should not respond to BM and her messages from SD, and he should not go through BM to" talk" to his daughter.

It makes for a rough road but your husband has to stand his ground and not play their games.

He should keep reaching out to SD, directly, and if she ignores him, she ignores him but at least she knows he's trying and, hopefully, she will come to her senses some day.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

and that is horrible that is what BM is trying to teach her.  

Maybe he should send her this article . https://markmanson.net/unconditional-love It's from my guru, relationship expert, Mark Manson. 

He says, " 

These high-school-level relationships are conditional by nature. They are relationships of I’ll-do-this-for-you-if-you-do-this-for-me. They’re relationships where the same person who is your best friend one year because you both like the same DJ is your worst enemy a year later because they made fun of you in biology class. These relationships are fickle. And shallow. And highly dramatic. And pretty much the entire reason why nobody misses high school or wants to go back.

And this is fine. Trading in the coolness economy is part of growing up and figuring out who you are. You have to participate in all of the bullshit in order to learn to rise above it.

Because at some point, you grow out of this tit-for-tat approach to life. You start just enjoying people for who they are, not because they play football well or use the same brand of toilet paper as you."

"

Draw it up however you’d like, but at the end of the day, it’s all the same. These are relationships built on conditions. They are built on: “I will love you only if you make me feel good about myself. You will love me only if I make you feel good about yourself.”

Conditional relationships are inherently selfish. When I care about your money more than you, then really all I’m having a relationship with is money. If you care more about the career success of your partner than you do about her, then you don’t really have a relationship with her, just her career. If your mother only takes care of you and puts up with your little alcohol habit because it makes her feel better about herself as a mother, then she doesn’t really have a relationship with you, she has a relationship with feeling good about herself as a mother.

When our relationships are conditional, we don’t really have relationships at all.

We attach ourselves to superficial objects and ideas and then try to live them vicariously through the people we become close to. These conditional relationships then make us even more lonely because no real connection is ever being made.

Conditional relationships also cause us to tolerate being treated poorly. After all, if I’m dating someone because she has a rockin’ bod that impresses all my guy friends, then I’m more likely to allow myself to be treated like crap by her because, after all, I’m not with her for how she treats me, I’m with her to impress others."

 

SteppedOff's picture

My spouse's adult children are in their 30's and 40's and it continues.

We are now gearing up for the next generation of dysfunctional parenting 101. The same blaming, grudging, and just simple rude, nasty behavior is starting with the teen grandchild who has been estranged due to the destructive mother (spouse's daughter). She has miracously reached out, only to string along, attack, blame, and abuse...just like mom. 

This dysfunction, once began, allowed, and perpetuated can rarely ever be extinguished. It truly is generations in my experience...buckle in and put on your helmet...it is going to be a very long bumpy ride!

tog redux's picture

Why is he letting BM pull the strings like this?.

"If SD wants something from me, she can reach out to me herself."  Then IGNORE.