You could say I'm partially disengaged from my SKs who are in the 50-60 yo range.  I have as little to do with SD60 as possible but because she is so dependent on DH, and me to a degree, it's not possible to be completely disengaged.  She and I are polite and civil but I don't discuss her with DH nor express opinions.  If I did, he'd always have a ridiculous reason for her insane actions so I just don't go there.  Latest episode recently was her crashing her $15K vehicle on which she'd let insurance lapse.

I love OSS58 but, like me, he's an introvert who values his solitude.  So, we are naturally disengaged, like adult sons are, but neither of us has ill feelings.

YSS54 and I have always had an arms length relationship, due, I'm sure, to loyalty to BM. But nowadays, we have a mutually respectful relationship. He's another one DH defends if I say anything faintly negative.   Long story but he has serious financial and legal issues altho he's working steadily (excellent salesman) and is a good father to 3 girls. The other night, DH was rhapsodizing about him and new gf.   I said, she might have an issue because he doesn't own a home nor car.  DH said, how could he have his own place in (expensive state), he has those 2 dogs to take care of.  ???  See what I mean, he will go to any length to defend them whether it makes sense or not.

So, I seldom bring any of them up.  I dont discuss my 2 bios, either.  If I mention something negative about a bio, he's right there, jumping on it and predicting the worst.

Steplife, don't you just love it.

I have been completely cut off from DH's kids for 3+ years (Feb makes a full 4 years). At first, it was really difficult for me. I had a hard time understanding how DH could be "okay" with how his kids had treated me for 12+ years. We had many arguments. I was filled with a lot of hatred and pain due to his two oldest sons blindsiding me at my DHs retirement party (that I put together and was attended mostly by my friends and family brought to the marriage). Unknown to me, one was expecting the first grandchild and had his brother film the announcement (after he was clearly told by me, NO camera or video as I hired someone). The announcement was made and I was left sitting like the Pink Elephant in the room. Not one mention of me as a step GP or even DH's wife. While everyone was thrilled for DH, they were devastated for me. Three years later, no one from that party has ever asked DH about his grandchild. It was the final disgusting hit on me....done.

Fast forward to today. I've been in therapy, marriage counseling, and recently a Bible Study that has helped me immensely in learning to forgive (without restoration of relationships) and focusing on my marriage. While DH stays in relation, he has many times pointed out to his kids that THEY are the reason our family is broken. We have boundaries in place: he sees his kids away from our marital home, when calls come through, I leave the room, he rarely tells me anything about them. This has really impacted his kids negatively. Four live across the country from us and so to the expense of him having to stay in hotels when visiting (not one of his kids can host him), looks like he'll get to see them about every 2 years. (Just cost us $4K for him to spend 8 days there).

The impact for us is living with a new "Pink Elephant." That being his kids and how we now dance around that issue. The boundaries have worked for me. I'm much better today mentally and physically. I know DH wishes things could be different but until his kids can mature and make behavioral changes, I'm not going anywhere near them. As he had a hand in this by ignoring this atrocious behavior for so many years, that's on him.

We take it one day at a time here. I love DH deeply but I won't tolerate being targeted by his kids' crappy behavior anymore.

Wanted to add...his oldest daughter, AKA mini wife, AKA soldier of the BM, found a cheap ticket and wanted to fly here for Fathers Day and asked if they could hang out. He told her it was not a good idea, he'd see her later in the year. So, while he has lapses sometimes on boundaries, for the most part, he stands strong. And that is THEIR karma. This home was always open to them regardless of how they treated me until that damn party where I was humiliated. I forgot to mention....both of my adult kids were there and they were livid. I doubt I'll ever speak to DHs kids again.

This is a tough issue. Your DH can't make the skids like and respect you, and I can see how he might not want to give up a relationship with them entirely. I might be okay with it if he at least made clear to them that he was not okay with how they treated me, and also if he didn't allow them to not invite me to big events like weddings, holidays, etc. 

I would definitely NOT be okay with him never addressing the issue with them, or throwing money at them. 
 

I have very little to do work SS21, but he doesn't mistreat me. 

Honestly.. I would be happy if my DH only chose to see his grandkids without me.. lol.  I am not a huge fan of little kids.. and literally would rather scrub the bathroom floor than spend any large amount of time with small kids. 

But to OP's issue.  

The way I see it is that you disengaged from his kids.  That does not require your spouse to disengage from his kids though.. although as your spouse, he should defend against abuse aimed your way.. but, if his kids decide that the disengagement is reciprocal.. they don't pay you any  mind.. you don't pay them any mind.. then basically, you are both having your own parallel relationships with your DH.. and them with their father.. without having to have the accessory relationshp of step parent/step child.

So, it is a bit unfair to be upset that they pretend you don't exist.. when you did the same thing yourself basically 3 years ago....  Disengagement.. can be a 2 way street.

But, what does that mean now for your DH and his relationship with you, his kids and his grandkids?

He should be able to have a relationship with his kids and grandkids and maintaining that relationship doesn't need to have your involvement or effort.  He can arrange visits with his kids.. his grandkids etc.. and as long as the visits aren't all encompassing of his time (which they don't appear to).. I would really try to not punish him for wanting to be part of his children's lives and their kids' lives. 

Of course, if there are situations where you must come together.. a wedding or baptism etc.. you should be invited as his wife and partner and they should be civil.. though they aren't obligated to entertain you and act like your long lost best friend.  And vice versa.. civil.. polite.. avoid conflicts and drama.  

And.. remember.. you disengaged.  you decided that you didn't want to be part of his children's lives.. so the fact that they are behaving similarly.. really shouldn't be a problem...   I don't see this as anything he needs to correct or confront with them.  It seems you don't really care for them.. so I'm not sure why you care about their exclusions...  I would be happy he navigates the relationship without roping you into it..haha.

He may not be able to force them to like and respect you but he absolutely can demand and enforce that they treat you with respect and their behavior is respectful.

If I were you, I would accept nothing less from any of them.  Including DH. His treating you as if you don't exist would be a deal breaker for me.

I don't know how it works really.  I started disengagement from SS shortly before DH confronted him about his and his wife's behavior.  I did feel as though DH was sending the message that he was ok with the way they were acting towards me and I told him that.  He confronted SS BECAUSE I was choosing to disengage and was refusing to go around them.  No family gatherings, stayed home with our bios during SS's baby dedication, etc.  I think DH wanted to just let bygones be bygones, aka rug sweep, but I was to the point where I could no longer do so.  My anxiety shot up, my blood pressure would spike at the thought of being around them, especially SDIL. So DH confronted him.  It didn't do any good.  He says he quit talking to them because of the way SS was acting towards me but I think it's only partially true.  He also quit, I believe, because I refused to go around them anymore and he doesn't like to go to family gatherings and other stuff without me.  But I don't know if I could deal well with him continuing to see them after everything.  I feel that he would be saying that their behavior towards me is ok. Which they already act like they've done nothing wrong.  

I am basically no contact with SD22 Feral Forger. Shes been very nasty to me recently, and I just give up trying with her. Last Christmas she was horrible to me. And this was after I had given her $100.

SO, now she has accused me of "taking her father away, and now he is just the sperm donor. And I traumatized her by yelling at her" etc.

I have spoken to DH about things. Ive told him "go ahead and have your relationship - but not at our home". She wanted to move in with us. Hard no and Dh agrees.

These skids who feel like they are so entitled really p!ss me off. Because they have the bio parents DNA they think they can say and do what they want and be abusive and they will always just be forgiven. That bio parents have to cow-tow to the whims and wishes...well eff that.

Keep your disengagement. I would also suggest therapy. Stepparent PTSD is real. Dont get mad because they are disengaged from you as well - learn how to be at peace with it.

I consider myself mentally disengaged. I'm happy for DH to go spend time with them, I can do what I want by myself. However, that never happens, he doesn't really push to be around them either. They have weird eating and sleeping schedules. The kids are into gaming and I'm not sure what else but we can't find anything to talk to them about. We go to the house and nobody talks, it's  sooo awkward, I hate it. They never ask us ANY questions or start a conversation. I feel like we are just the present givers in their life and nothing else.

I'll start by confessing that I have always had a possessive/jealous streak toward people I love. Not proud of it, but there It is.

I work hard to keep the green-eyed monster in check. It helps that DH has mostly accepted that his kid and I want nothing to do with each other. DH and I are living thousands of miles from SS30, and chances are the worst I'll have to deal with is bi-weekly phone calls, a visit or two, and maybe a wedding and a grand kid. And then the emotional fallout from SS's eventual divorce, which will hit DH hard, but that's some years in the future.

For the moment SS30 is not costing me money and is not an active PITA so I just ignore his existence and my own resentments. That's what I recommend all disengagers work to achieve.

DH and I recently went though a divorce.  I disengaged from SD 11 years ago when she charged me with her finger in my face, accusing me of all sorts of crap, while DH ran out the door to avoid any attempt to straighten things out.  I SHOULD have divorced him then.  As a result, I told him she was no longer allowed in my house (which I owned).  I never insisted he cut ties with SD, which was fair, but I never asked about her or brought her up in conversation, and if he brought her up I didn't respond.

So --- after the divorce, guess where he went?  Yes, you got it right - SD.  And now SD is his new 'Mommy'.  I only wish I could be a fly on the wall when she gets tired of taking care of everything for him, including being his financial security blanket and fixing his phone he has had for 10 years and still doesn't know how to accept a call.  That is how I found out where he went - he called his relatives in SD's area but couldn't answer his phone when they returned his call.  LOL LOL

You have to value yourself enough not to accept disrespectful behavior from your Skids but you must insist DH support you as his wife.  If he doesn't dump him immediately.

Not sure I can call myself disengaged because I never was engaged with SD. She has refused to be in my company since I met my partner almost 3 years ago. I do feel that my SO's relationship with her is a wedge or something in our relatonship. We can be smooth sailing for weeks and then BAM, one contact from her and here we go again. She's horrible to him (and me), he tolerates it, I get mad and upset. Round it goes. To me, it feels like he is accepting and tolerating unreasonable behavior from a person who is disrespectful and unkind to both him and me. If this were his buddy or his boss or our neighbor, we would be outraged. But for some reason, when it's skids who disregard us, we're supposed to understand and accept it. Great to those of you who can make peace with this - truly. But it just rubs me wrong. I've done nothing wrong, I am a good and kind person and I should be treated as such. And to have a partner who doesn't defend you -- well that's not exactly inspiring, is it? 

Last time my SO had contact with SD, I felt like my SO ran into another room to talk to his mistress. He seemed to want to hide it from me, which I get. He knows I'll be upset and he already took a beating from SD, so my being upset just heaps on. 

I understand these partners are in a tough spot because they have children and of course they'd like a relationship with them. But it should be possible for them to have those relationships without making their partners feel less than. I wish I knew the solution.

with and struggling with disengagement.

We made that decision close to the same time frame.

My situation is a bit different. SK's live in the city and DH HATES THE CITY, so he WILL NOT GO TO THEM, and every since there's been police involvement here, I haven't had to put my eyes on her in quite a while. Thankfully!

I hear so many women say, "Our marriage is great, except for SKs, that's the only time we fight."

If I were in your shoes, I would stil feel a sense of betrayal, after all, marriage is not meant to be lived compartmentally. It is meant for companionship, and like you, I am not welcome anywhere near them or their kids. Sometimes I'm ok with that, and other times I'm resentful.

The most important thing you can do is make sure your needs are being met to the best of your ability.

For example, if SKs are having a get together, you have one. It will keep your mind and hands busy, and you won't feel left out or excluded, as much.

I'm really sending positive energy your way and I'll send up a prayer or two. I know in time the right decision will come to you.

Hugs...and be well!

I read your post and it's like I wrote it myself. I have been with hubby 8.5 years, married almost 4, have always loved him dearly but his 3 adult daughters (23, 29. & 32) have emotionally worn me out. I feel like you, there is a huge wedge in my marriage bc of this hurtful situation. I had absolutely no idea what I was getting myself into in the beginning. The main problem that I finally had to come to terms with is that hubby is really the problem. He goes along with all the abusive behavior they dish out.

 I was single and happy for 5 years before I met him with zero drama in my life. He has been divorced from BM since 2004, nothing to do with me, he got married again in 2007, divorced again in 2010 from another woman. I have been told by his extended family that his girls ran off 2nd wife and she had to get a restraining order on one of them. 

Since he was mostly with me at my home when we first got together, I extended an invitation to his kids to feel welcome in my home anytime. Nothing I did worked. I tried cookouts, having them bday parties, just being nice basically. 
I hoped that as his kids got older and matured they would see how happy hubby was and just chill out. They were never excluded from anything but they grew more disrespectful by the day. They were grown women so it was hard to handle. They weren't cute little kids I could build a relationship with at this point. I decided just to give him space with them bc they did not want anything to do with me or my kids. 

 My kids and mother hate to see how this upsets me. I go from hurt, to anger to being discusted. I'm so thankful my own children have turned out to be such kind adults that would never put me or their own dad through anything like this. (But of course I would of never allowed it) 

 I'm sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for disengaging. I know it works for some but I find it hard to do personally. Maybe if hubby's daughters weren't so close I could but they are not far. He visits alone 2 times a week, does lunches, takes pizza over etc and I've always been excluded. I really don't even want to be around any of them at this point but I think it should be my choice because I am his wife. Adding to the issue is that he's so caught up in making them happy he puts very little effort into our marriage. He says he's depressed they treat HIM so bad. I wanted to attempt to talk with his daughters together, in a good way to resolve whatever the issue they have is but hubby is terrified that they will disown him. 
I wish you the best piegirl and hope you can feel better and find your solution. 
I totally understand how your feeling and hope you don't have to go through this as long as I have. It has caused so many arguments and sleepless nights for me. 

I found this site not too long ago and it is very helpful to hear what everyone else goes through, how they deal with it and the encouragement others share. 
(hugs) ❤️

I just read your post and it got me thinking. 

Where, in any wedding vow, has it been written,

"I Peaknuckle, take you Foofoo to be my spouse.  I promise to be one with you, but not to include you when it comes to my pre-existing family. I promise to pretend that you don't exist so as not to upset them. I promise to keep you safe from harm unless of course that harm comes from my pre-existing family. Then you are fair game. If, as the result of that harm, you choose not to engage with my pre-existing family, on any level, I will honour that decision, and I will do nothing to make it right.  I promise to put you before all others, forsaking all others except for my pre-existing family, until death do us part."

I don't recall ever having agreed to a marriage vow like that. As a matter of fact, I don't recall ever hearing one like that either. I doubt that anyone who is about to marry someone with kids would ever get married if vows were written this way, but it seems as though these vows are more accurate than the ones that we actually signed up with. Something is wrong with this picture.

So I looked up marriage vows and I found all of these. Just as suspected, the spouse is supposed to be the one that we are committed to...before all and anyone else.  

www.younghipandmarried.com. 

Reading through all of these vows is a good refresher.  We need to draw this to our DH's attention. (FYI...I just realized that this link takes you to a different page than the one that I found the vows on. Just Google wedding vows and hopefully it'll take you directly to this website's page with all the vows.)

I understand not wanting or needing to attend every step kid event. However, there has to be a united front between husband and wife when it comes to the step kids. Perpetuating the fantasy that Dad is still single and that his children are still the centre of his world is completely inaccurate and unfair to the wife who signed up with him. Someone needs to make that right, and I think we all know who that is.  We need to be heard. We need to be respected and we need to have our DHs make good on the promises that they made to US in our marriage. 

Just my opinion...

Just to be clear, I don't believe for one minute that a spouse should become estranged from his children.  That's just too painful to watch and we don't want to see our spouses hurting that way.  

I  also believe that it is more than okay for a spouse to disengage when they do not feel validated and respected. Even more so, when there has been abuse whether it be verbal or physical from the step kids. No one needs to subject themselves to abuse.

My issue lies with our DH's complacency when it comes to his children's acceptance of his wife. Yes, most vows don't take into account all of the new family dynamics, but I really don't believe that the key elements of marriage have changed all that much.  We take our vows promising values like love, companionship, support, respect, security and protection. Those things should not be seen as "conditional".  

Flip the script.  Focus on how relieved you are that you don't have to deal with them.  You are avoiding them, not vice versa.

Yeah unfortunately my SO's daughter, Princess Druggie, had to reproduce and it was like the second coming of Christ.   To make matters worse everyone is always making comments of how the child is a mini me of her deranged mother, Princess Druggie.  BM says her grandchild is her partner in crime and it's like having a little Princess Druggie all over again  ((shudder)).

I've been disengaged for years.   We invited them over for a gift grab about 6 Christmases ago and I haven't laid eyes on them since. It went fine but my SO and her got into a huge fight.  A couple of years ago my SO had a moment of weakness and begged Princess Druggie to bring her kid to see our new farm.  I said she wasn't allowed on the premises after her most recent arrests for drug dealing activities.   My SO of course didn't know anything about the charges (ignoranceis bliss).  She's currently dating a bank robber felon, so I'm still not allowing them here.  

No doubt my SO sees them off site somewhere.   Don't know,  don't care. He can have his own ass kissing festival with them wherever and whenever he wants,  but it's not going to be in our house,  around me.  I'm sure he has secret phone calls to her too but i don't look on his phone.  I deal with it like I deal with all unpleasant things...i ignore it as much as possible. 

.. to me is sort of an ideal state which I've never quite achieved, though I would say I'm minimally engaged. So far no weddings, grandskids etc. have disturbed the relative peace.

When it happens, as it has with you, I think the best approach is to be as Zen about it as possible. The reality you've chosen means your DH will have significant relationships that you aren't part of. Nothing for you to do but accept that as calmly as possible, even enjoy it. I happen to welcome some daylight between me and DH, and would lose my  mind if we were all up in each other's business 24/7/365.

So go ahead and limit or forbid access to you and your property as you see fit, and that includes giving your time, attention and money etc. to skids and grandskids. Remember, this is your choice and you're making it to give yourself peace. You will just have to accept the distance it creates between you and DH. You pays your money and you takes your chances.