ADVICE NEEDED - SECOND SD GETTING MARRIED
Just like her older sister two years ago, the younger SD is getting married and the only guest at her wedding who is not allowed a plus one is my partner, her father.
The two young women (SD26 and SD22) moved out of the matrimonial home to apartments with their partners earlier this year and it was sold. He then gave all of his children (SS34, SS30, SD26, SD22) cash gifts from a small percentage of the proceeds of the house.
SD26 and SD22 have continued to blow off their father's attempts to talk to them on the phone or meet them for a coffee or a meal. Over several weeks, he tried to make plans to give YSD her birthday gift this summer and she didn't want it, telling him to keep it. OSD accepted a cash gift from her father on her birthday last month, but didn't have any time to meet with him.
Even though I have been with their father for almost six years, they continue to refuse to meet me. He feels that if he insisted that he bring me or even insist that they meet him for a coffee or a meal, they would never want to see him again. He is at the point where he feels that would be okay.
As I mentioned previously, BM still wishes she was married to my partner even though she didn't fight the divorce and they were separated for 15 years previously. BM hasn't dated anyone else since they separated and has moved back to her home town 1,000 miles away.
However, she is deeply involved in the planning of the YSD's wedding, shower, and rehearsal dinner. My partner is only invited to the wedding. As a result, the two SD's feel that they would be disloyal to their mother if they allowed their father to bring me to the wedding. However, he is not contributing financially to this wedding nor did he contribute financially to the OSD's wedding, so this is not a factor in the equation.
I feel badly at this rejection of both my partner and myself as my children who are also in their 20's have accepted my partner with open arms. My partner has a better relationship with my children than with his own daughters. On a positive note, he does have a good relationship with his sons and they call and visit my partner regularly.
I am wondering if this is a gender thing as my children are male and accept my partner. Similarly, his sons and their spouses are pleasant to me.
After hearing the horror stories about how nasty and manipulative some Skids are towards their step-parents perhaps I dodged a bullet here with the SD's.
I rationally know that it shouldn't bother me because it's not personal, but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Has anything similar happened to others on this site, and if so, how did you handle it?
Well it sounds like they are
Well it sounds like they are wrapped up in BM's bitterness. Also really sad that they don't give their father the time of day. Your DH definitely sounds like he is kept on the outside without much involvement. I don't think it's right not give him the option to have a plus one. What's he supposed to do sit alone like an outcast the entire night? I don't think there is much he can do. I'm sure they would uninvite him if he brought it up or asked them if he could take you. If it's really important to him to attend then I guess he'll have to go alone without any fuss. It sounds like he is used to tip toeing around them.
I don't have any personal experience but it made me think of my SIL's wedding. My MIL and FIL have been divorced for 30+ years. My SIL for some reason is really weird about my MIL dating anyone because she believes it is "disrespectful" her father.SIL and MIL are extremely close and MIL was very involved in the wedding. However, SIL revoked her plus one. MIL assumed she was allowed a plus one like everyone else and SIL told her absolutely not out of respect for FIL. Mind you FIL married the mistress and has been with her for around 30 years. She has no problem with him bringing her around but MIL is banned from bringing significant others. I am not sure why if it's a girl thing? My husband and BIL do not mind but SIL is adamant that MIL appear single at all times. Who knows?
Very good points, W!
I agree with you wholeheartedly. My partner is very social and gets along with everyone. In all likelihood, he will hang out with his sons, their spouses, his sons-in-law, and others whom he knows as well as meet new people. He did that at OSD's wedding.
Actually, it's kind of strange because YSD was excited to meet me at first. But then, she spoke with her older sister and mother, and her attitude immediately changed. She said she is no longer ready to meet me.
When her father asked her when she would be ready to meet me, she told her father that she can no longer give me "a fair shake" and that's why it would be best not to meet.
Her older sister and mother whisper snide remarks about their brothers' and sons' spouses while these lovely ladies are in the same room as them. BM and OSD remind me of the stereotypical "mean girl". This attitude on the part of BM is partially what led to their marital breakdown.
In regards to your SIL, that is interesting that she has a double standard for her parents which is biased against her mother. Since she is close to her mother, one would think that she would want her to be happy with her date or new partner. Particularly since her father has moved on also.
My partner stated that he had the impression that his daughters would accept me more easily if their mother had moved on. If she had a plus one then it would only make sense that my partner would be granted one too.
But one never knows. Your experience with your SIL clearly indicates that nothing can be taken for granted, such as her mother's ability to have a plus one. I do agree with you that it is a girl thing.
My thought would be that anyone who has a plus one, particularly one's parents, should be allowed to bring this person. But that's just my opinion. I don't hold out any hope that I will ever meet these two and it's probably for the best.
Similar situation
When my SD60's daugjter, M, got married, M told her not to bring a date. SD and her ex had been divorced for about 6 years then. I get it that SD60 has terrible judgment and M didn't want to be embarrassed in front of her new inlaws, I guess. Her dad wasn't dating anyone and I thnk M wanted the fantasy picture of "my mom and dad" without any boyfriends or girlfriends. I hate weddings.
I agree totally, JRI!
The fantasy picture sounds exactly the case for SD26 during her 2019 wedding and SD22 currently.
I am not sure why you think
I am not sure why you think you dodged a bullet with your SDs. Nothing about their behaviour is OK - they are behaving like spoiled brats and your partner is not challenging it. Personally, if my DH said he wanted to go to one of their weddings without me it would probably be the end of our marriage. Totally unacceptable that you are being excluded in this way. If you are not made welcome he should not go.
Good point, K!
He doesn't want to go. His relationship with his daughters has deteriorated to the point where they neither take his calls nor do they want to meet him for a visit, meal, or coffee.
I think he should go because he may regret not giving his daughter away. It also gives him the opportunity to be the bigger person. Also, since he is not financially contributing to the wedding, I believe he has less of a say in regards to the guest list.
Moreover, I would prefer not to go as the "mean girls" will in all likelihood try to make me feel awkward and uncomfortable if my partner insists on my presence.
I am thinking of using that weekend to travel with three of my sons to visit my eldest who lives 6 hours away. That's what I did the weekend of OSD's wedding and it was a blast!
I have a great life with my partner and three of my sons who live with us. Although painful for my partner, it is almost as if his daughters don't exist. Not for me, and sadly, not for him.
If he doesn't want to go then
If he doesn't want to go then please don't pressure him. He has been the bigger person for years and they still kick him in the teeth. Why give them an opportunity to do it publicly as well?
Good point, Winterglow.
We had a similar discussion when he decided to go to SD26's wedding in 2019. He was ambivalent as he is now, but finally decided to go. I did not pressure him in that situation nor am pressuring him now. It's 100% his decision to make.
Even though they kick him in the teeth on a personal level (ie. not replying to his texts, phone calls, one SD rejecting his gifts, etc.), they do not embarrass him in public. I view him as a puppet or toy; to be taken out of the closet and shown to others on special occasions and to be neglected the rest of the time.
For SD's 2019 wedding, he was expected to give her away, dance the father-daughter dance, and to give a speech, which he did. I'm assuming the requirements will be similar for SD's 2022 wedding as well.
Hahahaha he should be glad to
Hahahaha he should be glad to give his nasty daughter away, once and for all!
Seriously though, since his daughters have virtually disowned him, and he hasn't contributed anything (good boy) and you are not welcome, he shouldn't bother going.
It won't be fun or enjoyable, so why put himself through the ordeal?
Good point, K!
I used to think that SD26 was the nastier of the pair, but now I'm not sure. SD22 would rather spend time with her future in-laws than her own father, but I digress.
She has not visited or met up with her father once in the last two years. She stayed with her mother 1,000 miles from here last month. I believe they were planning the wedding.
When my partner went through the same routine with SD26's wedding in 2019, his relationship with them was better than it is now (through no fault of his).
He is seriously considering not going this time. Exactly for the reasons you outlined.
However, since he is easygoing, he can make it a fun evening. Although he missed me terribly the first time, and will miss me again. He said it was bittersweet. He did speak about me to various people at the wedding, much to the chagrin of the SD's.
"He did speak about me to
"He did speak about me to various people at the wedding,"
So he's already made himself look bad by going without you once( though some of those people maybe assumed you were sick and couldn't attend), he's going to look as if he has no care nor respect for the woman he loves if he turned up without you. I suggest he insist you be invited (won't happen) or he won't go (and he has an excellent excuse to get him off the hook.
Most people were unaware of me.
The only people who knew about me were his children, their spouses, and BM.
I don't think he made himself look bad, W. To his credit, my partner told everyone he met at the wedding about me and that he missed being with me that evening, but unfortunately, not all guests were allowed a plus one. I assume he will say something similiar this time if he decides to go.
The fact that the SD's had to limit their guest lists and the way in which they did it shows more about them than about my partner. Their limited guest list afforded them to allow all their friends a plus one, yet not their dear old father.
This makes sense as their friends are more important to them than their father is. They do not blow off their friends and do visit their friends often. Their father is one of the least important people in their lives. They forget about him until he can become a prop in their weddings.
He is ambivalent about going this time, and is at the point where he wants to call it quits with his opportunistic daughters. Time will tell if he attends or not. It hurts him a great deal, but he may give up on the relationships with them (until they need him again).
GOAL!
"but unfortunately, not all guests were allowed a plus one"
Oh my goodness, that was absolutely priceless! Well played! No wonder his daughters weren't happy about it! You are absolutely right, it says WAY more about his daughters than about him. I'd say they painted themselves neatly into a corner - if he goes this time and again tells all the other guests that not everybody was allowed a plus one (that would be pretty darn hard to top) then his daughters look like the churls that they are ... and if he doesn't turn up, the guests will all be whispering among themselves about what they heard the last time and how rude and disrespectful the daughters are towards their father and his partner.
I suggest that, if he does decide to go, when he says that not everyone gets a plus one, that he sighs and then adds sadly "despite being together for X years ..."
Good one, W! I believe that last time he said something
like that. That he missed me at OSD's wedding, having been with me for almost over three years and him not being allowed a plus one.
Well, by the time YSD gets married, it will be over six years that we have been together. And still no plus one.
He also was hoping to get married next year as well. Hopefully it doesn't upstage YSD's wedding.
Has he ever asked them
Has he ever asked them straight out WHY he doesn't have a plus one, just to put them on the spot?
I'm sure you'll be far too classy to deprive his daughters of a plus one but I hope you will show them how unimportant they are in your life by sitting them at a table at the very back of the room at your wedding.
Yes, he did, W!
They stated that their mother would be uncomfortable if he was allowed a plus one.
He was thinking of inviting them if we have a wedding, but tthinks they will choose not to attend.
Their loss.
Their loss.
So true, W!
I agree.
Let him decide what he wants
Let him decide what he wants to do. Seems to me that he's just being used so she can have a "perfect" wedding - why else would she want him to "give her away" (does she want that? Plenty of stories on here of alienated fathers going to their daughter's wedding only to see a stepfather or uncle walk her down the aisle).
I don't think my DH would go. It's just going to be BM playing victim and Queen Bee all at once, while he's treated as a second class citizen.
Your SO seems to have good enough sense to not chase his daughters and try to buy them back, so you did dodge a bullet there. At least he's not pretending about what's happening here. Just stay out of it, and if he asks your advice, tell him it's his decision.
Good point, Tog!
He's currently ambivalent and realizes that he is only being used. There is no stepfather or uncle to walk her down the aisle, so my partner will have to do.
He understands that BM plays victim and Queen Bee all at once, as she has been doing this throughout their entire relationship. In fact, this attitude is partly what led to the breakdown of their marriage.
He is very intelligent. Although his daughters' attitude makes him despondent, he says he does what he can do and will not chase or try to buy them back.
When the house sold in late July 2021, he gave each daughter $1,000 each as a gift, which was not appreciated. He gave each son the same amount plus an additional amount for the materials they purchased to make the house sale-ready. His sons expressed their gratitude to him.
Prior to that, his finances were very tight and he couldn't afford much. I guess this is a blessing as he couldn't chase them and offer money, and now that their true colours have come out and he has the money, he no longer has the desire to chase them and offer money.
I am sad that his relationship with his daughters is so terrible, but it's his 100% his decision to attend.
He doesn't want to go.
He doesn't want to go.
If he doesn't want to go, he shouldn't go. His nasty daughters should see that it goes both ways and that he is no longer willing to be their chump, taking whatever scraps they are willing to give. He should stop trying to give them gifts, also.
I think he should go because he may regret not giving his daughter away. It also gives him the opportunity to be the bigger person.
I disagree. He has already been the bigger person, for years, now, and so what? Now, it's time for him to take a stand. BM can give her brat away. I think it's a choice that HE should make and if he wants to be done being their whipping boy, and not go, that's what he should do.
Your partner has done way too much for these adult brats AND their mother. Personally, I would not give them the satisfaction of going. They expect him to be the "bigger person" and do his "duty" and I would give them the UNexpected.
That's a good point, H!
He has stopped trying to give them gifts after YSD rejected his birthday gift.
Neverthless, he is very duty-bound and will most likely do the expected.
However, the wedding will not occur for another 9 months, so who knows.
"he is very duty-bound"
"he is very duty-bound"
Then he should have insisted you be invited ...
He spoke about me being invited to OSD's wedding.
However, his daughters intimated that they may not ever speak to him again if this happens.
I think that this time he may take them up on this offer.
However, I do not want to attend even if begrudgingly invited nor will I do so.
I've had my fill of "mean girls" and do not need to encounter any more if I can help it.
I absolutely understand but .
I absolutely understand but ... the advantages in doing so is that he is making it clear that you are the centre of the world AND that the decision would have been taken right out of his hands because you know they wouldn't invite you and would thus exclude your SO. Or at least, that was how I was thinking when I wrote that.
I agree with your point of view, W!
I am the centre of his world, but it is YSD's weddiing day.
The narcissistic BM manipulated and alienated all four children from their father. The sons have finally figured this out, but the daughters have not.
As the ex-spouse of a NEX, my sons have finally figured out that they were manipulated and alienated from me. But they figured this out in their late teen years.
Perhaps my partner's daughters are slow in getting to this point, if they reach it at all.
My Life
I am completely disengaged from DHs kids. Tired of being treated horribly, ghosted, the Pink Elephant in the room, etc, etc. DHs oldest got married this past year. While I was invited, I did NOT attend. DH manages his relationships with his kids and I stay out of it unless it's impacting me.
I know it's hard but these women are acting out of unfounded hatred from their mom and it probably will never get better. I'd find a good therapist to hash this out with and heal (something I spent 3 years working on after the last and final humiliating event at hands of DH's oldest two boys). Focus on the reasons you would NOT want to be there rather than not being invited. I'd have to say, "DH, I'm grateful they don't want me there because, truth be told, I don't want to be there." Weddings are supposed to be fun. I can't imagine being there with how they've treated you. Plus, no monies dumped into the wedding so that's another plus.
Best to you.
I agree 100% with you, CajunMom!
I believe these women feel they would be disloyal to their mother should they desire to and go through with meeting me. They are also angry on behalf of their mother that she is alone and their father is happy. SD26 begged her father to go back to her mother 10 years ago and he stated no. She said that her mother wasn't that mean and to give her a chance.
I also had some therapy in regards to this, but then she retired. I will look for a new therapist to help process the rejection that I feel in regards to my partner's daughters. Having been the victim of multiple sets of "mean girls" throughout my school years, the simple thought of BM, SD26, and SD22 turns my stomach.
When they first met the now-spouses of their brothers/sons, they begged them to dump these women and go back to their previous girlfriends. They also made snide comments about these women almost in front of them. I guess their nastiness is more about them then about me. They seem to feel intense competition with other women. Such strange women.
I welcome my sons' girlfriends with open arms. If my sons are happy, so am I.
Please let me know how you managed to disengage. Was it a gradual process or did it occur as a result of an epiphany?
(BM) is deeply involved in
If BM is planning all of this, if DH goes he may find his seat so far away from the head table that he needs binoculars. I doubt he'll be allowed to walk her down the aisle or that there will be a father/ daughter dance.
Rehearsal dinner. The last time I checked this was the groom's parents responsibility. BM in charge most likely means no invitation for DH.
Not going may be the wise choice. But, that is up to DH.
Good points, N!
BM is deeply involved in the planning of YSD's wedding because OSD's MIL ran the show last time (showers, rehearsal dinner, wedding, etc.), and BM and OSD missed out in the planning.
Last time, BM and my partner were placed close together, and this time will be no different. BM wants to play "happy family".
There will be a walking down the aisle and a father-daughter dance as my partner is going to be used "for show".
You are correct in that there is no invitation for DH to the rehearsal dinner.
And you are also correct that it is DH's decision to make whether or not to attend.
Being the bigger person gets
Being the bigger person gets you nowhere. "Be the bigger person" is another way of saying lie flatter in my experience. If he doesn't want to go then he shouldn't go. He'll either get treated like dirt or SD will pour on all the fake charm she can muster. Who needs that?
The SD's act the way they do because of BM and I doubt they'll change. BM's can affect their sons in the same way but that seems to not be the case with the SS's and I'm glad to see that.
I think my mother's attitude regarding my dad dating and getting remarried probably affected my own. She was all for it and was happy when he remarried so I was able to not feel like I was being disloyal to my mother in welcoming my stepmother into the family. I like to think that I would've welcomed her even if my mom didn't have that mindset because I wanted my dad to be happy but who knows.
Let him decide if he wants to go or not. Sounds like he doesn't. Tell him it's his choice and you'll support him no matter what he decides. Will he regret it if he doesn't go? He might or he might not. Either way, it's on him so let the decision be solely his.
Laying flatter is an excellent description, P!
He is ambivalent about going and I think you are correct in saying that SD will pour on the fake charm.
BM did affect her sons and that's why they delayed meeting me. Particularly, OSS felt sorry for BM that she has been pining for my partner for the 15 years following their separation.
However, OSS and YSS have a good relationship with their father and believe that he deserves to be happy. If I make their father happy, they are happy for him.
I am glad to hear that your mother's attitude facilitated your ability to welcome your stepmother and that you are happy that he is happy, which is similar to OSS and YSS's point of view.
I also agree with you in that the decision is solely my partner's as to whether or not he wants to attend. I plan to support whatever decision he makes.
You Have To Ask Yourself If You'd Really Want To Go, &
choose your battles. With BM and two SD's tag teaming all the planning it would be a disaster for you to be there.
Most of us would feel honored we weren't "invited" as it's agony for us to be in their presence. Consider yourself lucky.
And, it's a huge PLUS that he's not contributing to this wedding and didn't contribute financially to the last daugther's either.
As for your SO, it sounds like he's just a willing money tree to them and nothing more, so he shouldn't even feel obligated or hurt by not going. It sounds like he's coming to terms he may not have daughters much longer. He needs to focus on his kids he has a relationship with, including yours.
The older we get, the less tolerant we are of these ridiculously stressful headgames.
Oh, and like your situation, the BM in our scenario has NEVER DATED OR REMARRIED after all these years! She's the "saint" parent because of it, and as sick as it sounds SDs almost 50 and still has wet dreams about her parents getting back together. She's mentally locked in at whatever teenage year this divorce happened. Sad, but not my problem.
Plan a week-end getaway for you and your man when "the wedding" takes place.
Good points, Miss T!
I agree wholeheartedly with your comments.
Thanks for sharing your similar situation.
It seems this circumstance is not uncommon.
I would go to the wedding
I would go to the wedding with your mate. He is the FOB. End of discussion on attendance by you.
Now for the prep and scripting. First, go to your favorite clothing boutique and get a rocking dress/outfit, hit you favorite salon for a full meal deal hair, make up, massage, mani-pedi prep, and get a rocking pair of glam shoes. Be on your mate's arm radiating your happiness and be bright and brilliant. Like cockroaches who run for a dark crack or corner when a light is turned on in a dark roach filled room, the toxic roach like morons will scurry.
Have your basic script lines planned and deliver them, or a version of them, when and if anyone gets snarky.
"Oh, how sad it is that you are being selfish and confrontational at this beautifu wedding."
"Well bless your sweet little heart."
"Be gone with you."
" Exactly how long has it been since you go layed?"
"I feel so sorry for your husband/wife. smh"
Radiate your happiness, rock the event, be your mate's confident partner, laugh radiantly to side bar conversations with him, and make it clear by your confidence that no one wants to fuck with you.
Most of all, have fun.
I wouldnt go
As you stated, you can plan something REALLY fun for you and your kiddos. Your partner can go and be a part of festivities if he chooses, but you know what? I wouldnt really want him to after how they continue to treat him.
Youve stated many times on here that the BM is poisoning the daughters against you and they are punishing your partner because has moved on and divorced. What biotches. Id want nothing to do with them ever again. In fact, I am no contact with my husbands 22 yo daughter and I dont feel at all like I am missing out.
But your partner is being treated horribly, and I would be feeling like he should really just not go. Its his choice of course and he may go "out of duty", and to "be the bigger person". But wait - he has ALREADY been the "bigger person". He has ALREADY "done his duty". I guess if he did all that for the first one, he almost HAS to do for the second one, if he holds out any hope that they will get their heads out of their butts, and be daughters to him rather than strangers. He also is probably thinking he has to because he wants to be "allowed" into his grands lives, if and when they have kids.
Thats when things get interesting - when these toxic trollops have spawn of their own and use them as hostages in their game of Emotional Terrorism.
So thats my contribution. And definitely get some therapy to talk out your feelings and learn ways to deal with this. Im disengaged from SD22 Feral Forger. Her treatment of me doesnt affect me (much). I dont do a single thing for her and will never live with her ever again. Shes my husbands daughter. That is all.
We see this on this site
time and time again!! What exactly are these SK's and BM's proving? They are holding on to a dream that likely never was or there wouldn't be a divorce. Could they make their lack of taste and class anymore obvious? Life moves on and those that are bitter and hang onto to such hate are the definite losers!! You and your DH will likely be closer to your kids and your family and I am sure they will all have something to say about that also!
DH needs to put this situation in perspective, stand his ground and let the chips fall where they may! It sounds like he has already started that by deciding not to go. No matter how terrible it is that you were not invited, I would never go if I was you.
It is time these BM's and SK's in the world stop getting rewarded for their tasteless bad behavior!! Their parents are divorced, one or both parents have moved on accept that fact and move on too and stop the bitterness!!!!