BM'S IRRATIONAL REQUESTS

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My partner got divorced from BM earlier this year around the same time that she moved out of province. She still won't re-register the vehicle she drives in the new province nor pay off the outstanding vehicle financing, which are both in my partner's name (asset and debt).

After they separated, BM needed a car and had poor credit, so they used my partner's credit to buy a car for her use, but in his name. This happened multiple times as he separated in 2006 and BM's most recent car was financed in 2018.

My partner's credit rating is damaged because BM pays joint debts late without telling my partner (eg. property taxes on the house they owned together). As a result, my partner paid an additional $1,000 in interest on his share of their joint property taxes and bemoaned the fact that he should have helped BM more to prevent her from getting into such a financial mess.

Nothing will help her. In fact the house was just a couple of months shy of being expropriated (taken by the city) for property tax arrears dating back three years when it got sold.

Because BM has so much difficulty financially, my partner let her keep her large pension (50% of which he was entitled) so that she will still have an income of about $40,000 per year after retiring while my partner still works full-time as he has a tiny pension of about $1,000 per year.

You would think that she would be grateful, but no, her mouth is open and her hand is out for more! Still, BM now has the nerve to claim that she is cash-strapped even though the house she purchased was only 1/3 of the price of the house proceeds BM and my partner split and she could have afforded to buy it outright.

This time, BM needed $500 to be able to afford to pay her vehicle insurance. What will it be next time? Yesterday, I firmly told my partner that the gravy train stops here and if he gives her $500, she will continue to hound us with her mouth open and her hand out.

Alas, my partner's vehicle is still insured on the same policy as BM for the next several days until the current auto insurance term expires so he felt that he must pay her something. He ended up paying her $300 ($150 for one month's of his vehicle payment and $150 for her financial ineptitude). I'm getting tired of her financial involvement and can't wait for the cord to be cut.

I know what it is like to support a financially inept ex-spouse as I had one myself. I am still paying child support for children who live with me because it's cheaper to pay my ex $170 a month than to take him back to court for the child support and end up paying the $170 a month for spousal support because he is a financial train wreck.

Where do we find these people? Both my ex and my partner's ex are classical hangers on. It is so hard to get rid of them. My children didn't accept their father's and my separation at first when they were 11-17 yo, but my partner's daughters still want him to return to BM and are punishing him by ignoring his texts and invitations well into their 20's. They want nothing to do with him.

Although my sons and his sons fully accept my separation and subsequent divorce, my partner's daughters believe that he left BM in the lurch when she needed him. Although it is bittersweet, we are moving on with our lives.

It sounds like both of you

It sounds like both of you are having trouble getting out of entanglements with your exes. That's why i think no good deed goes unpunished when it comes to divorce and separation. Better to split things the exact legal way than to do "special favors" for your ex or let things go out of a feeling that you need to be the good guy or help them.

I know this first-hand. In the beginning of my divorce, our split was that there would be no child support but all agreed upon expenses would be split 50/50. It is on the one initially spending the money to make sure the other agrees and then send an itemized bill for the expense, then the other pays. Seems fair. But, guess who spends the money and guess who never agrees on anything besides food and shelter? Even gives the kids only hand-me-down clothes at his house so he doesn't even buy that. I was working long hours, often exhausted and overwhelmed, and did not fight this early on, and a precedent was set that i basically support the kids. My youngest is about to be 16, so it's about over now. A court battle would be expensive and time-consuming and would require me to prove all i've spent.

It's hard to navigate these things, but i will say that the CS you pay could be used by him as an argument against doing things strictly fair and legal. I agree that him spending on BM is bad, though. He needs to cut the cord. I would be pissed.

I just looked and saw your

I just looked and saw your skids are ages 21-30s. Hell no to DH heping BM with anything. He is done with her!

I agree, R! That happened to me too.

I paid everything the court ordered me to. Still waiting for reimbursement from the other side. I won't hold my breath. Both my NEX and my partner's NEX do a wonderful job of eliciting pity from their children. That's the crux of it.

Don't hold your breath on

Don't hold your breath on ever seeing your money. The SpermClan owes us about $10K that we still bill them for twice a year with accruing penalties and interest in line with the IRS tables.

SS-29 aged out from under the CO 11 years ago. We tried a few times to get the Judge who issued the CO to force them to pay as he had ordered. He referred us to small claims court.

We will never see that money. However, twice a year the SpermClan get a reminder in the mail of the shit that they collectively are. They likely don't even open it, but they know exactly what it is as soon as they see the Manila envelope.clearly marked with our stamp on the return address corner and a big red DEBT COLLECTION written across the front and back. Their mail person knows, their community knows, the mail workers see it and they talk to their own friends. The Clan has asked that we stop.

Yah, like that is ever happening.

Pay up butter cups!

Good points, Rags!

I don't expect to see any money from my ex. He keeps bellyaching to the kids how poor he is. However, Togs made a good point. The money that I pay can be sent without any communication between my ex and myself. That's the way it has been and continues to be. My wages are garnisheed at the rate of $170 a month.

Fortunately or unfortunately, my partner still communicates with his ex, and as such, she thinks it's okay to ask him for money as she has been doing for the past 35 years. However, he has told her repeatedly that he is no longer responsible for her as they are divorced and to stop contacting him for money.

Moreover, he no longer worries that his daughters will think he's mean for not continuing to financially support their mother. He realizes that they want nothing to do with him irrespective of whether or not he helps their mother. Both of them have well-paying jobs and can send their mother money if they are worried about her; something they have never done. We shall see how this plays out.

Well, I'm glad to see he

Well, I'm glad to see he finally got divorced.

I agree that he needs to stop helping BM and doing favors for her. I mean, she alienated his kids from him, how can he feel obligated STILL to help her? I don't understand that at all. Cut the cord and be done.

People can't really hang on without the other person allowing it. Even if you owe your ex money, that can be paid with no contact between you.

The reason his kids haven't let go is because HE didn't let go until very recently. Firm boundaries, stop helping BM, stop indulging his ADULT daughters asking him to return, and shut down the drama. It can be done.

I agree T! Thank you for your insightful comments.

To his crediit, my partner worked on getting the divorce and selling the house as soon as the 3rd child moved out of the matrimonial home with her new husband.

The divorce lawyer stalled for a couple of months but we called every week and closure was finally obtained.

My partner has shut it down with his daughters about going back to BM every chance he got. However, the daughters still have wishful thinking that their parents will get back together.

They never wanted to spend much time with him before, and after Covid it's even less. One daughter refused a birthday gift of cash from him this year. He has accepted their behaviour now.

This is like the adult

This is like the adult version of "if you give a mouse a cookie"

Generosity quickly becomes and expectation and when you add the guilt of a divorce people have an even harder time saying no.

Thanks, S! Very well-said.

I appreciate your comment and agree.

No one is moving on until

No one is moving on until your SO repossesses his vehicle and forces the home to be sold or even into foreclosure. Even that is better than letting his X lead him around by his short and curlies with her guilt card save me bullshit.

Thanks R but..

The house is sold and my partner doesn't want the vehicle (neither the debt nor the asset). He forgot that his credit rating is being ruined by his NEX until I pulled his credit report and found the loan.

His NEX gave the impression that it had been paid off already but she has always lied to him about money. He didn't realize that it was an active loan. One for which he is liable. Although she is paying it down.

I asked him to ask her to pay out the loan with the proceeds from the matrimonial home sale, but she's already spent it all and is $500 in the hole. Not sure why she is still asking him for money. They are divorced and she now lives in another province near Mommy and Daddy who are in their 80's and 90's and have money.

The first thing I said to my NEX's parents when we separated is that "your son is no longer my responsibility; he's yours now". And so they did feed him, house him, and clothe him as needed.

Whew! Glad to hear it.

He owns the vehicle. He can have it towed and then sell it. That at least cuts BM off from killing his credit score.

I agree with you, Rags!

But he won't sell it or get it towed. It's 1,000 miles away in another province. The only reason that it's in his name is because his ex needs a car and couldn't get financing because of her poor credit. He wants to get the car and car loan re-registered in her name. I'm not sure how that's going to play out, but I am hopeful. Even though she stopped paying the property taxes on the matrimonial home, she has been paying her car loan faithfully.