So he's going to Europe without you? Yeah, f that, you're justified in being upset. 

If it were just the trip to Europe, I'd say wave good-bye happily and you have a great time while he's gone. Or insist on going with him and you have a great time while he's visiting the poopsies.

But your DH is disrespecting you on the regular at this b!tch's whim. You need to put a stop to that. It's going to take time and a lot of effort, so before you start make sure the trouble you'll go to is going to be worthwhile. If not, dump him. He's more trouble than he's worth.

By the way, your # 3 is a good point. He is trying to blame you for a situation he created. Nail him to the wall on that one, too.

Short version: He'd better be rich and treat you like a queen when he's not catering to his crotchling, else you need to remove yourself from this cozy little triangle.

Yes you are reasonable to be upset.  Go anyway.  Stay nearby in the glamiest ritzy resort.  Hit the spas and high end boutiques, eat at the best restaurants, dress to the 9s and go to the Opera and Ballet, and make sure your DH and his shallow and polluted gene pool see you living it up.  Fly home a day after DH leaves and have him pick you and your shopgasm treasures up from the airport.

Have fun!

I do believe that adults should be able to have the relationship (or lack thereof) with other adults that they want.  So, when you married your DH when his daughter was 27... it didn't follow on that she was obligated to have a step-parent relationship with you.  Being "dad's wife" would have been fine... 

But, I do believe that family members have an obligation to be civilly cordial to significant others of their direct relations.  So, while she didn't have an obligation to consider you "family"... she should have been civil... including you as her father's partner. That didn't mean you had to have a relationship with her outside of that construct.. no going shopping together or lunch dates etc... (of course barring toxic circumstances like having to be nice to someone who has physically abused your relation or has done something to you personally that is not forgivable).

So, i'm not sure what all the history has been over the 20 years... whether there have been slights on both sides.. or whether it has been more one sided.

It seems your DH's coping has been to  maintain a separate relationship with his daughter.. which is generally fine as long as it isn't infringing on your ability to have a relationship with him too.. not taking all his time etc..

But, this trip.  It seems kind of mean to exclude you from being able to join him and have a fun time exploring.  Now, maybe he feels like he will be so wrapped up in spending time with his grandkids and daughter that he wouldn't have "any" time to spend with you and seems to think it would be unfair to bring you along and then not be able to spend time together.  His daughter may not want her kids having a relationship with you (really her choice).. so he may feel there would be no time and doesn't want to be put in a loyalty bind for his time.

That being said, I don't see why there aren't more options or willingness to make this work out for everyone.  Like going early with you and doing some stuff then staying on alone to spend time with his dauther and grandkids.

Well, he's been handling it this way for 20 years, why are you upset about it now? Seems to me the time to get upset would have been after the first time he gave his daughter the idea that it was okay to treat you disrespectfully and exclude you. 

I don't think I'd have made it 20 years with this guy allowing his adult daughter to be ridiculously immature about his new wife. 
 

ETA: Sorry, that sounded harsh. Yes you have a right to be upset. But changing a 20-year dynamic will not be easy. 

Continue and this deliberate intentional shunning or removal of you from your husbands life out of pettiness and your husband being the dutiful husband and father, caved into sd47 because between sd and his wife, your husband knows his wife won't likely throw a tantrum and cave into him while sd will go bayshit crazy.

my husband was forced to address this disrespectful bullshit from his eldest sd early last yr (1.5 yrs after she reinitiated contact and played miniwife and didnher absolute best inserting bio mum and stepdad into every conversation of our or just rant nonstop about it)

20 yrs on and your husband is still pandering to this bullshit instead of growing a pair pf balls and making it very clear you are his wife and part of his family too and this unnecessary shunning of you like sd is the alpha female needs to end pronto!! Your husband set a precedent that disrespecting you and treating you like shit is encouraged and acceptable

my husband made it very clear to sd she was not the mother of our kids and that i am his wife and future, that means sd never ever answers me back or thinks she has any authority regarding our household or kids. in effect, my husband made it clear that i was his 1 and only alpha female and he wasn't gonna tolerate anymore bio mum and stepdad anything from sd's as they were not of his concern or family

If my husband even considered doing something like this there would be hell to pay. And if he actually went without me, he would return to find his key no longer opened the door, all of his gear in storage, and divorce papers pinned to the front door for him.

In my opinion, seeing his daughter without you is fine. A trip to Europe without you is not. 

Personally, if this was me, I would invite my best friend, or mom or sister and book our own European adventure without him over the same time period. 

Like others have said, he and his adult SD can see each other without you.  What is not OK is SD dictating that you be excluded from the European continent while she and Daddy have a visit.

You should be able to go with DH and do some exploring with him together.  Then he should be able to spend time with SD and GKs without you, and you can either relax at the hotel or explore on your own.  

The point is, the decision should be yours and DH's but he is letting SD make the decision for him.  That is what is not OK.

Your "H" is telling you that his toxic spawn are more important than his wife of 20 years. Go anyway, let him do his thing with toxic spawn and have your fun. Do not try bridging anything.

He created this and doesnt want to try to make things better for you. I am hoping that you have solid wills and life insurance and all the financial ducks in a row. Not to leave this guy, but in the case he leaves YOU, or passes away. Toxic Spawn have a way of turning vulture, especially when they purposely shun you.

I would strongly consider booking a trip to Rome, Venice and Tuscany

Why should YOU do without a trip to Europe?

On his dime of course. Opps, I used your card? Sorry Darling.

' ... have solid wills and life insurance and all the financial ducks in a row. Not to leave this guy, but in the case he leaves YOU, or passes away. Toxic Spawn have a way of turning vulture, especially when they purposely shun you."

This 1000%. You already know what the SD thinks of you. What are the odds her opinion is going to take a sudden turn for the better when her father no longer can keep her in check, or no longer cares to try? She'll screw you any way she can, all the while telling herself that Daddee wanted her to have this, that, and every damn thing.

Protect yourself.

Frustrated.  20 years is a long time to live without the support you need.  I am presently divorcing my DH of 30 years.  Eleven years ago he showed me his real colors when he refused to stand up to SD on my behalf.  He actually ran out the door to avoid dealing with it.  It wasn't that SD was being a rude pain in the butt, I could care less about her.  But it was his total disregard for our partnership and our marraige that put a permanent wedge in our relationship.  For 30 years I kept letting it go and hoping that DH would turn into someone else.  Pretty stubborn on my part, right?  What I failed to recognize was that he was the very man I married in the first place - no change what-so-ever.

I started going to therapy to deal with my aging, abusive, neglectful mother.  It was odd how the sessions started to be more about my pathetic marraige than my mother.  I realized that I had used my DH as a surrogate parent.  If I could make him change that would surely 'feel' like I had mended my horrible relationship with my mother and father.  Just like Mom and Dad, nothing changed.  If anything, it got worse.  Total rejection, just like your DH is doing to you.

Make a plus and minus list in regards to your marriage.  If there are more minuses then pluses, see a therapist - and possibly a lawyer.  But let him pay for you and a freind to go to Europe first.

Your situation is so familiar to me.  I too would be upset for all three reasons you mention.  You are not being unreasonable.  The really sad part is that after 20 years,  the situation is cemented and all you can do is look after yourself.   Do fun things for yourself while he is gone.  Personally I would not want to talk to him while he was there - although I recognize that this sounds childish.  

happen.

Remember, there's A REASON they don't want you there. They bond over their dysfunction, and if you think he has your back in her presence and your absence, I'm afraid you're wrong.

I had a nice long reply typed out, but we've had stormy weather and it didn't get posted.

You've invested 20 years, TWO DECADES of YOUR life, energy, love and time in this relationship. Do you see it changing? Change only happens if DH WANTS IT TO, and obviously he's comfortable treating his wife as his concubine, or call girl. He wants you when he wants you, but otherwise you're supposed to do the incredible disappearing act. Why? Most of us get married for companionship, first and foremost.

I would not stand for this. He has choices to make, as HIS CHOICES are exactly what brought your marriage to where it is. If he can make the choice NOT TO stand up to his daughter for his wife and marriage, then he deserves exactly what he's getting. 

This is very frustrating, and  unacceptable.

As much as we wives would like to blame SDs, it really all rests squarely on DH's shoulders. He set this into motion when he made the choice not to put his marriage first, and make it abundantly CLEAR to his offspring his marriage comes first. Marriage is a covenant, and it is contractual. Parenting "adult kids" is not. His work there is done, and he's done a crappy job, or he would have well mannered, well adjusted adult "kids."  IT IS  UP TO HIM to reverse it. Really, SKs are collateral damage, and byproducts of DH's lack of parenting. 

Why should you be so accommodating? Would he be alright with being cast aside when you wanted to see your "family?" Spouses ARE FAMILY, whether or not these offspring like it or not. Marriage must come FIRST.

He has choices to make. As long as he's getting his way and he's comfortable, your comfort level will suffer because it does not MATTER TO HIM. He wants what he wants. That's not what marriage is about. 

Sandye21, a long time member here posted recently that she is divorcing after 30 years. She's struggled with all the usual gaslighting, being excluded, being yelled at by SD and more. She's fought the good fight, but it's taken its toll because she knows her DH refuses to have her back and tell his daughter his marriage comes first. She said life is too short. 

Do you have another 20 years in you to live the life you're living?