“Couple” Time and AITA
How much couple time do you get, and are you satisfied with it? Also, AITA for being upset about the following?
SO and I don't have any "kid free" days. He works 7 nights on/7 nights off. He has SS17 100% of the time and SS11 50%. That 50% is all of his off days. On his work days, he doesn't have much time for anything but work, but he also watches SS11 for BM on school days. SS11 gets off the bus at his house, then has to be brought to BM a few hours later. I have my daughter 50/50, and per SO's request, I switched the week to where I have her on the week he works.
As far as "couple" time, we have a date night every other weekend for a few hours and his older watches his younger. The only other thing we have for "us" is that i insisted his bedroom be kid-free because i sleep at his house when he is off and we watch either Netflix or a movie for about an hour before bed.
Here's the prob - last night we go to watch one of "our shows", and it turns out he watched it all at work last week! We had watched half of it together the week before and we always watch that show together.
Am I the a-hole for getting upset? He said he didn't realize what the big deal is, and i must be looking for things to be pissed about. I said, we have so few things that are just for "us", that we do together. He says, well, we parent together and what can be more important than that? I said, we have to have more than just parenting in common!
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Netflix cheating
Yep the assumption is if we start watching a show together then we finish it together. It was definitely inconsiderate of him to watch on his own but I wouldn't think it was a big deal either. It's more the time spent together watching something and not the show.
It's a tough schedule and I think you're reacting to the general lack of non SK time. Hopefully SS17 has some launch plans? Then SO really needs to adjust the visitation schedule. Maybe to have one or two days without SS11?
SS17 leaving will actually
SS17 leaving will actually make things worse. He is no trouble at all and actually does a lot, too much IMO, to help with SS11. BM won't keep a schedule (or has never been made to), so SO has delegated her "management" to SS17. Every one of her custody days that's also a school day, SS17 has to call her, find out where she is, and where/when she wants SS11 dropped off. When he leaves, SO will have to come up with a new plan or manage all that himself on the days where his time is mostly spent working and sleeping.
So, it is really SS17 that is
So, it is really SS17 that is doing the parenting of SS11.
SO has delegated her "management" to SS17... When he leaves, SO will have to come up with a new plan or manage all that himself on the days where his time is mostly spent working and sleeping.
You mean, your SO will have to manage his ex and his own kid?
Again, your SO is selfish. SS17 should not be the one dealing with this.
I agree completely that SS
I agree completely that SS should not be tasked with this. I think, amd I know this is probably awful, that BM should manage her child herself on her custody time. She is getting child support for both SSs (that's another story), but she refuses to make any arrangements for his care on her custody days. It's been a point of contention in their divorce. She thinks SO should pay for daycare and SO doesn't want to. SO also does not want to give up the daily control of SS11. It's not even daily contact, because SO is often sleeping when SS11 is over on those days. It's about control and "winning."
ETA the custody case is ongoing and nothing is on paper, but SO's wages are still garnished.
How, exactly, do you parent
How, exactly, do you parent together? And, how would that even count as "us" time?
I have my daughter 50/50, and per SO's request, I switched the week to where I have her on the week he works.
And, yet, he has his older son all of the time, and his younger son on his days off, plus some time on the days he works.
How dare he ask you to switch when you have your daughter. What is it to him? So that you are available to him when he is off of work?
He sounds quite selfish.
He can't even honor the one thing that you have been doing together. So, no, you are not the asshole.
Over and over again, I just fail to see what keeps you in this relationship.
If we watch a show together,
If we watch a show together, neither of us watch it without the other.
Couple time doesn't apply, we have that 24/7.
I too wonder why he makes you adjust your schedule with your daughter, but gets to do whatever he wants with his schedule.
I've actually realized that
I've actually realized that and have started doing more what i want, too. I used to "do unto him as i wanted him to do unto me." Now, i'm less likely to immediately think of him first when deciding to keep my daughter "extra." If he wants to live the child-centric life, i can too. I only have 2 more years with her because she will likely do what my son did and go away to college.
You are too kind - and he
You are too kind - and he takes advantage of that. I know everyone gives you grief about being with this guy - can you help us understand why you stay? He does seem very selfish.
Looking at your past blogs
he does seem to do whatever he wants without considering you.
In any relationship both partners needs for intimacy and connection have to be met. He isn't even trying to meet yours. Sorry but this may not be the right relationship for you.
NTA. Lol I have been guilty
NTA. Lol I have been guilty of this before. I truly didn't think it was a big deal but Hubby was so upset. So I did make it a point not to watch new episodes without him. He said was it was "our" thing together that he looks forward to. I never realized how much it meant to him.
My husband works a lot and we really don't have alone time together. We don't have SD anymore but we have 4 bios that we have 24/7. My mom has a chronic illness so I only ever ask her to watch them once or twice a year max. My MIL is a little careless so we try not to ask her either. We actually had our first date in over two years last weekend. It lasted only 2 hrs but it was nice.
Your DH probably feels like
Your DH probably feels like that show (or whatever you watch together) is sort of all you have that's just for the two of you. He probably looks forward to that little slice of alone time and time where you both are doing and focusing on the same thing. Then, afterward, you can talk about it. Maybe it generates some private jokes. It's bonding, dammit! That's how i feel anyway.
Oh yeah I am sure. We really
Oh yeah I am sure. We really don't get out alone ever but we do manage to do little things at home here and there that's why I didn't think the show was a big deal. We have more couple things than just a TV show but he likes to have an"our" show lol. We do date nights at home. We put the kids to bed a little early or set up a movie night in their room. Then we'll take turns making a big fancy dinner for eachother, light some candles, and open a bottle of wine.
I don't know if that would work in your situation given he has his kid's a lot of the time but it's a nice substitute to going out. It can help spice up a regular Tuesday night.
Watching a show without the
Watching a show without the other is like cheating! My DH doesn't do this, though sometimes I'm not feeling an show and tell him he can watch without me, but then he still wants me there while he watches it.
We have 2 together so our only couple time is after about 8 or if we get a babysitter. We get a babysitter about once a month.
You're not the a$$hole here.
You're not the a$$hole here. Per usual, your SO gets what he wants and doesn't care how it may affect you, his kids, or even your kid. He sees you as someone to help him with his problems, and that's about it.
Thanks for the replies. I
Thanks for the replies. I notice that people with "ours" littles are more likely to see time parenting together as "couple" time, and be satisfied with less kid-free time. I wonder if that's one of the benefits of having "ours" kids. I do find that if my kids are also included in this joint parenting time, i feel less resentful, as opposed to me being kid-free and helping him with his all week (then doing the parenting of mine alone on my week.) Is that just natural, or am i a selfish monster lol?
Read that second to last
Read that second to last sentence as if your friend said it to you - would you say it's selfish for her to not want to spend her week "helping" him parent his two kids when he doesn't help her?
And, OP arranged it this way,
And, OP arranged it this way, per her SO's request!
I would go back to having my kid on SO's days off. I mean, what is the point of not having her those days, when HE has HIS kids. Oh, yeah, so that she is available for him and his. Eff that.
Quality time with my daughter would trump time with SO's kids.
It's definitely more
It's definitely more enjoyable to spend time with ours kids vs stepkids. I think my DH prefers it too because SD is "resource intensive" as he says. It's always and expensive production when we have her.
As long as we have adult time after ours go to bed we're content. It's fun to go out to eat but we go out as a family for breakfast instead of dinner now.
Yikes, it does seem like he's
Yikes, it does seem like he's a taker. Sometimes we have to take a hard look and re-focus on ourselves more and not so much 'the relationship' when the relationship just means them and their needs.
The TV show thing would annoy
The TV show thing would annoy me but I'd soon get over it. I would definately make a point of saying which shows are couple shows next time though.
No couple time would eat away at me. I need that one on one time with my husband. We are suffering a little right now with a 9 month old baby and a needy 13 year old and no options (that we'd consider) for babysitters near us. Some more couple time would be great. I envy your bi-weekly date nights. But we both know that this is a phase and it will get better. It already is better than when the Babs was a newborn.
Do you two have any friends/relatives who have older kids or those who have all left the nest and who have a great realtionship? Maybe a conversation with them about how they transitioned into life with older kids and then no kids at home could help your husband see that if he wants the marriage to survive past child rearing years he needs to start putting in the ground work now.
His sister has only one older
His sister has only one older child, and she and her husband seem to be doing some fun things. They went to a concert recently and had fun. It was some 70s band at a local casino. Maybe i'll get tickets to something like that.