Same sex parenting
So. My first time posting. Been reading other people's post and I think my situation isn't as bad as others out there. Just thought I needed a place to vent about SK.
My partner has a child conceived from donor sperm and he's been asking about his 'dad'. She's been telling him bits about it, as he's been really young to know about birds and bees, but over the past year, she's been revealing more and more as he's getting very persistent, especially around Father's Day. She tries to tell him that I'm like a mum to him, so he doesn't have a dad but he's kinda got two mums. He gets teary about not having a dad, so we joked that he could call me daddy.
I get frustrated with him because he can be very lazy (typical boy) and annoying. Not sure what to do, because I've wanted to walk a few times, but I love my partner so I've hung on. He recently developed a bit of an attitude and has begun speaking to me quite rudely, like 'oh shut up' and 'are you stupid?' which quite honestly pisses me off. An almost 7 year old being so rude to me when I've been making his life easy with cooking and cleaning and making sure he's well taken cared of. I don't ask for gratitude, I just ask for some respect and showing manners. I've been with my partner for almost 2 years now. Other times he's good and tries to listen but that good behavior has lessened and the rudeness has gotten worse. I wonder if he's conscious of the fact that we are two women? Or am I thinking too much and it's just a boy thing to be rude?
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Well, he's definitely aware
Well, he's definitely aware you are two women. But lots of single mothers raise sons with structure and discipline and don't allow that type of rude behavior. You know these moms because even when their sons tower over them, the sons respect them and fear their consequences. So to me it sounds your partner needs to step up her parenting game.
As for the donor sperm, I'm guessing there are books out there to help him I understand in an age-appropriate way. But that may not stop him from wishing he had a dad, which is something he will have to work through.
What does your partner do
What does your partner do when SS is misbehaving? Does she discipline or does she let it slide? What do you do when your SS is misbehaving? This kid needs rules, structure, and real discipline if he isn't getting it already.
How long has it been since SS has been pushing to know more about his "Dad?" If it is recent, he may feel like things are secretive, so he is lashing out. I think you partner needs to be more up front with SS and make his conception and your relationship a part of his story now rather than later. There are excellent children's books, like 'You Were Made for Me' by Sheri Sturnolio that discusses Mom/Mom relationships and introduces the concept of using a sperm donor in a child friendly way. This may be a helpful tool in explaining his birth story to SS.
SS also may feeling a bit left out because other kids at school may have a two parent or split household, but they generally include a Mom/Dad unit. SS may be struggling that he doesn't have a Dad, but that might be just because he doesn't understand the situation. He may feel that a Dad was taken from him because he doesn't fully understand the concept of a donor. SS may be longing for a male figure in his life to fit in. You have to understand that to you and your partner, your relationship is easy to understand, but to a kid, who develops their understanding of the world based on the world around them (which presents as heteronormative), this may be very confusing. The more you can discuss and present LGBTQ and different types of family units to SS, the more he may come to understand and accept it. I think if you guys explain everything to him in a child appropriate way, he may start to feel better and you may see the behaviors reduce.
Thank you
My partner is good with the discipline so I guess in a way i'm 'lucky'. I started with all the nice talk, telling him to be kind, reading lots of parenting books etc etc. but it didn't seem to work. My partner was on board with my methods but because it wasn't working, she got really mad at him and said she hates disrespect the most and threatened him with a wooden spoon. He stopped. She's never actually hit him but the threat made him stop. She told me (in front of him) that if he is rude, I can smack him (which of course I dont!) and that if I'm not ballsy enough to do it, tell her and she will. She also said that she's not going to listen to all the parenting 'advice' from books I've read anymore and she'll do it her way. Weirdly, it's starting to work a bit.
I think getting that support from my partner helps, but there will be times when I pull him up about his behavior and she makes an excuse for him. Like 'he just likes to talk rubbish sometimes.' And I'm like '0.o I thought we're supposed to stop his rude behavior' anyway.. I guess if I'm consistent about my expectations that he doesn't speak to me so rudely, and I model the same, it will eventually sink in
As for the 'dad' thing, he's been asking since a year ago and she's read him some books on donors. He has his moments and strangely just seems drawn towards fatherly figures. I met up with my friend and her dad for dinner with the kid, and he kept calling my friend's dad 'daddy daddy'. Super awkward. The guy was cool, he just said 'yes maybe grandad'
With the LGBT thing, I don't recall us ever talking to him directly about it. We just say that some families have two dads, some have only one parent and some have two mums. I've even said that some kids have no parents and they have adoptive/foster ones instead. And some just live with uncles/aunties/grandparents. Not sure if he understood. I'll check out that book recommendation. Thank you! In the grander scheme of things, I suppose I shouldn't really complain about SS. I've heard of more horror stories with step kids and step parents. Just that sometimes..... it IS hard!
Don't compare your situation
Don't compare your situation to the horrific stories you come across on this site, if we all did that, none of us would get the opportunity to vent & everyone needs that sometimes. I'm sorry I have no advice for you but I wanted you to know I sympathise & hope you come back for more opinions from the experienced stepparents here - many of which have tonnes of advice because they're the ones with the horrific storeis.