Accused of being possessive
So my gf accused me of being possesive for looking at her text messages. This was after I found out she was having her ex husband over for dinner while I was at work and not mentioning it. She went off and yelled at me how I was possesive, controlling, etc. She also has went off and yelled at me last week and got in my face for not wanting to take her kids out to dinner after they were behaving disrespectfully the entire day. Why would I reward kids who whine and are disrespectful ? I've always been nice to her kids and I don't think it is my place to discipline them however there are times I don't want to be around her kids when they act like like brats and she does nothing about it. I also don't think I am possesive. I don't like being lied to. I am not one to look at someone's phone but when I find out you've lied or been hiding things that changes. What do you think?
Secrets are a deal breaker.
Secrets are a deal breaker. She broke the deal. Re-key the locks and get on with your life.
"She went off and yelled at
"She went off and yelled at me how I was possesive, controlling, etc."
This is gaslighting. Your GF is abusive and gaslights you to deflect her own relationship-destroying, spouse-disrespecting actions onto you.
You have a very shitty GF. I agree with Rags. Re-key the locks and live your life in peace and away from a user and her ill-behaved spawn.
Having ex over for dinner
Having ex over for dinner behind your back is reason enough to be upset. You probably didn't even need to check her phone to know she's sneaky and untrustworthy. Her reaction was just deflecting the blame onto you for then acting like you didn't trust her by looking at the phone. I also don't blame you for not wanting to reward bad behavior. It's one thing to disengage and not discipline them, but she should not then expect you to give them treats after behaving badly. She sounds like a bad partner.
Your gf is abusive and is
Your gf is abusive and is gaslighting you to deflect blame for her own relationship destroying, sneaky behaviors. Be done with her like now.
Once the trust is gone in a
Once the trust is gone in a relationship... is it really worth maintaining? She screams at you? Lies and keeps secrets from you?
I will have to say that checking her phone is useless anyway. If someone truly wants to be subversive.. they will find a way and no amount of you checking up on her will MAKE her behave the way you expect a good partner to behave.
I would chalk this up to poor picker disease on your part.. and move on and try to examine why you have let someone take advantage of you .
Ever wonder why your
Ever wonder why your girlfriends kids act the way they do? It sounds like they are learning their behavior from their mother. She is abusive. She is also untrustworthy. Run. Now you know why she is a divorced single parent.
What exactly do you get out
What exactly do you get out of this relationship? You personally, not her. Are you happy? Are your emotional needs being met? Are you more than a free dinner? What is in this for you?
Keep in mind that you deserve kindness, honesty and respect. Are you getting any of those three? Shouldn't you be?
If you aren't, maybe it's time to bow out. If you feel lonely you can join a club, volunteer, go to a local sporting event, reach out to other friends, etc.
DUMP HER
DUMP HER
More red flags than a North
More red flags than a North Korean parade. Get out of this relationship.
This is not the girl for you.
This is not the girl for you.
It is possessive to read
It is possessive to read through her phone without her permission or knowledge. It's unacceptable behavior on your part. If you don't trust her, then you dump her. You don't go through her things.
That said, she also is wrong for getting in your face and yelling at you. It's toxic, potentially abusive, behavior. Her option when she found you snooping would have been to dump you.
You both are exhibiting toxic behaviors. This isn't a healthy relationship.
Is it ok for her to have her
Is it ok for her to have her ex over for dinner frequently without his knowledge and lie about it? Yet he is supposed to trust her ?
No, but that doesn't justify
No, but that doesn't justify snooping through her phone. It does justify breaking up with her.
I'm guessing the phone
I'm guessing the phone snooping was to confirm her lying otherwise he wouldn't have found out.
Still not justified. He's
Still not justified. He's been with her a few months. If he already thinks she's untrustworthy, dump her.
Yes but intuition and
Yes but intuition and suspicion alone is not enough to break up with someone. What do you suggest someone does then to confirm their spouse being dishonest and cheating? No one is saying just to snoop thru someone's phone for no reason however it is fair game to glance at an open phone if you have enough suspicions.
Intuition and suspicion is
Intuition and suspicion is quite enough. If you don't trust someone, you don't trust them, period. If I'm at the point where I feel I have to snoop in DH's phone because I'm suspicious? It's already over.
What if you find nothing? do you keep looking at every chance, for the rest of your time together, "just in case"? And would you be okay with him doing the same to you?
I have somewhat more leniency
I have somewhat more leniency when it comes to spouses because having proof of an affair can (but not always) have an impact on the distribution of marital assets at divorce. It can also be helpful when trying to establish paternity and if a wife lied about the paternity during post-divorce custody/CS hearings.
But in the case of a GF, the suspicion that they are untrustworthy is more than adequate to end thw relationship. If someone is acting sketch, and when you confront them about it they act offended and blame you, then it's not a good relationship. At best, it's an incompatibility issue because you both approach these situations differently. At worst, it's cheating and lying. Either way, not healthy.
Aside from the moral side, there is also a legal side to consider. Not saying OP did this, but if someone "breaks into" their partner's phone or email without permission, it can get the person doing the breaking into legal trouble depending on state laws. Most people aren't going to push it that far, and most people aren't going to be financially harmed by their partner snooping through texts and looking for cheating, but it's still a possibility that someone could be charged, or slapped with a protective order. That's especially true when you're talking about a dating couple who have zero legal ties to one another.
I didn't just look through
I didn't just look through her phone. I'm not that type of man. I glanced at some texts that popped up on her phone late at night while she was sleeping and it was on the nightstand. The phone actually woke me up.It was her ex saying what a great time he had that evening when he came by for dinner. This was after her kids mentioned it and she lied when I asked her about it. I also smelled cologne in her home, couch area. I am glad I did and have no regrets.
With my trust issues, I care
With my trust issues, I care less ab morality with a cheating lying partner on my hands. Oh you're the cheater but I'm being imoral? Ok fine.
I'm controling but you just broke up the rel.
People don't like to hear
People don't like to hear this, but it's entirely possible for BOTH people to be wrong at the same time.
A cheating liar is bad. Using your trust issues as a security blanket to protect you from doing immoral things - like snooping through your partner's phone looking for evidence that they cheated - is also bad.
Own that you think they're cheating and you don't trust them. Tell them as much and ask them if they're willing to show you proof that they aren't. If they don't, either decide you need therapy to work on your trust issues, or leave. Or do both.
If you're in an adult relationship, you should be able to have conversations like this with your partner. If you can't talk about it, and if they can't/won't provide what you need to feel secure, you have to decide whether there is an issue within yourself or an issue in the relationship. Act based on that, not on suspicion.
So, what's your plan? Have
So, what's your plan? Have you broken up with her?
Nope. He's supposed to dump
Nope. He's supposed to dump her.
By sticking around, knowing that she is lying, and continuing to grow in his mistrust of her, he's contributing to the toxicity of the situation.
I'll walk back what I said about him if he truly wasn't looking through her phone but only saw a flash of a message when the phone woke him up. But continuing to be in this relationship is unhealthy, and if he continues to hound her about the mesages knowing that she's lying, it starts bordering on control and possessiveness.
Either the relationship works for him or it doesn't. If it doesn't, and she won't recognize that her pseudo-cheating is a problem, then his option is to leave. It's not to keep bringing it up until she...admits to it? Changes her ways? Soothes his insecurity? There isn't a win here where pestering about it gets him what he wants - but it reinforces toxic behavior in HIM by continuing that cycle.
Dinner with the ex? Yelling?
Dinner with the ex? Yelling? Hell no.
If you got into her phone I have the sneaky suspicion it's not the first time your intuition felt something going on.
You should be upset. She's
You should be upset. She's guilty and blaming you for her bad behavior because she knows she was wrong. It's okay for her to be your ex gf. You deserve better!
Move on!
Move on!
You deserve better.
You deserve better.
Nothing good will come of this. Secrets in a relationship? NOPE just nope. You will always be looking for this next secret to unveil. Trust me, there WILL be more as time goes by.
I have become more
I have become more "possessive" as I have grown older. In college my then GF, a Sr. while I was a newly enrolled Freshman, had a "dinner" with her X who had transferred out of state to a different campus a few months before she and I met. He flew back into town with a classmate in a small private plane to see her and party in our town. She had dinner with him and an all night "it is over" discussion with him. They ended up sleeping together and she broke up with me the next day. Fine, while I was not thrilled about it, I had a date that night. A week later there was a knock on my dorm room door and my - a week ago GF- and her room mate were there to reconcile. As my GF stood looking sad with tears running down her face her BFF/room mate expounded on how I was the one, she regretted her X's visit, etc, etc, etc... We reconciled and ...... 6-8wks later while I was home for winter break I get a call..... "I'm pregnant."
What went through my head should have been obvious. But at that time, oblivious, young, in love, naive 19yo me was Mr honorable so I proposed. She accepted then chose to end the pregnancy. Over the next 18mos she graduated, we had a distance relationship though we were only about a 4hr drive apart and I slowly gained clarity that there was not a snowball's chance in hell that I was ready to be married. Much less a father.
Even innocent "dinners" can be risky when a mate and their X are the ones having "dinner". Whether they are failed prior family breeders or not is irrelevant.
You are not being possessive. You are intelligent. Two very different things.
When people get caught doing
When people get caught doing inappropriate things they always act like this. They deflect and are abusive when they get caught being a sneak. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who acts like this? This post has become a debate of what is right and wrong for some reason. It shouldn't even be a question.