Disengage for Peace or Be Uncomfortable for Progress?
My husband I met in late 2018 and things got pretty serious very quickly. He has a daughter from a previous marriage, I have a daughter from a previous relationship. He at the time only had his daughter about 30% of the time, while I had my daughter 100% of the time. Our girls met and quickly bonded and started calling themselves sisters. Soon after our engagement all hell broke loose. My husbands ex had accused my daughter of something horrific and called CPS on us. Because of the accusation the judge recommended that my daughter go to therapy. I took my daughter (who was 5 at the time) to a therapy session where they asked her awful questions like "Do you think the world would be better off without you?" & "Do you think you would be better off dead?" I was infuriated. My husbands ex wanted updates on my daughters therapy sessions and when my husband wouldn't give them to her she would say that she's not my daughters mom and she didn't understand why she was doing more to "help" my daughter than I was. During this chaos, she brought her (now ex bf) to an exchange of their daughter, where her bf pinched my husband in the face and broke his nose. If this wasn't enough, she pressed charges on my husband for domestic assault. She would not stop harassing my husband about my daughter so I filed a protective order. During our hearing, she asked that I pay for her attorney fees & she brought my husbands mother with her for support. As you can tell my husband and his mother have not had a good relationship in years. It's now been over one year since all this has happened and I have been trying my hardest to heal. My husband I recently got our girls in karate and of course his ex wanted to be there to see their daughter( even though she kept all of her daughters schedules from my husband and allowed her bf to be there with her). When I told my daughter that her step sisters mom was going to be at karate she immediately started crying and asking me things like, "What if she tries to hurt me or says something mean?" I did not want to make my daughter uncomfortable so I switched the days she goes to karate but now she no longer has a class with her sister. I feel like I am doing the right thing by trying to protect my daughter and my peace by staying away from this women but I also want to make sure that I am not allowing this woman to dictate anything in my life. What are your thoughts?
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You need to divorce and get
You need to divorce and get your tender age daughter the hell out of this.
At the end of the day, you have a high conflict
Exwife hell bent on destroying your lives. You need to eliminate all forms of contact with her. Yes this means your daughter can't be at same events with her stepsister but your husband needs to explain that unfortunately due to sd high conflict abusive mother who called cps and made false allegations, we cannot have her anywhere near you.
my husband has not seen his exwife since the divorce, over 13 yrs ago, i have been married almost 7 yrs to my husband and never met the hcgubm bat shit crazy. I refuse to attend any events sd's will be at because they have no respect for boundaries and report everything to bio mum who is along with her family abusive and dangerous.
i will not be in a situation where they can cause harm to me and our kids
I would like to add that my
I would like to add that my husbands ex recently was assaulted by the bf who punched my husband in the face (shocker) & now she has acted very sweet towards my husband. Even has invited me to their daughters dance class on days that my husband can't be there. But of course I'm very hesitant to be anywhere near this woman considering the damage she has caused in such a short amount of time.
No no no no no. This is not
No no no no no. This is not an olive branch. She isn't suddenly a good person. She will turn again. Seriously, y'all need hardcore boundaries with this woman. Look up BIFF communication and gray rocking. Give her no access to you life. Zero. Look at what she's already put your daughter through! It won't stop. For me, the ex is worse now than it was five years ago. This personality type doesn't get over it. Please protect yourself and your daughter from further damage from this woman.
Exactly, end any form of contact and refuse to attend
Any events she is at. She even has your husbands mother gullible to all her bullshit and condones this behaviour
i find it disturbing any therapist asking a 5 yr old stuff like if she would be happy dead
ITS A TRAP !!!!!!
ITS A TRAP !!!!!!
The protective order was not
The protective order was not granted for me because she has not physically hurt me or my daughter. I was stuck paying the court cost and it was dismissed. I have not attended any of my step daughters extracurriculars because of the never ending drama and the simple fact that my kids come first. My husbands ex is actually a teacher now which I find insane considering everything that's happened.
yikes!
Yes, isnt it insane the games that get played and then they get buried.
Toxic Troll BM, who has hit/slapped/bodyslammed/choked the eldest in front of the youngest, not once but twice, and has done ALL kinds of crazy shite - she worked for the local school system (who she has been suing the past 3 years!) and is now supposedly going to work in a foster home for girls (so she can screw up a new generation!)
I agree that your first duty
I agree that your first duty is to your daughter. She should never be unsupervised around your stepdaughter and neither should you be. I would consider whether or not you can even stay in the marriage. Your daughter has already been traumatized by what BM did and I'm doubtful that BM is done making your life difficult.
I agree with this 100%
I agree with this 100%
My husband and I had our baby
My husband and I had our baby 6 months ago. He truly is a wonderful dad. He adopted my daughter as her father had never really been in her life. BUT I would be lying if said his ex wife's actions have not taken a huge toll on me. I've ended up in the hospital from stomach ulcers from stressing so much.
That does make it more
That does make it more challenging. I would not ever be alone with your SD and put cameras around your house. I'm sorry it's come to that, but a woman who would put her own child through that kind of interview/exam is sick and dangerous.
I consider her dangerous as
I consider her dangerous as well, but she is not the type to confront any situation. My husband has asked her directly what the issue is and her response is always the same, "I don't have a problem & I don't owe anyone an apology." We have cameras as she tried to imply that we were stalking her and asked that it be put in their current custody paperwork that we are not allowed to drive by her home. The judge thankfully saw right through that and told her she as well is not allowed to drive by our home. I have this constant back and forth of wanting to have a discussion with this woman about being cordial but I know just as well as you all do that the situation probably won't change. The only reason she is the primary custodian of my step daughter is because she filed for divorce from my husband one week after my husbands brother committed suicide. He was obviously distraught and just signed the divorce papers without actually looking at the language. I feel awful because I know none of this is his doing. But I also hate that my life will never just be simple because of his ex wife. What do you all do to stay sane? I work remotely and have struggled a lot with feeling isolated with all of these problems.
I was fairly insane until my
I was fairly insane until my SS stopped coming over and we no longer had to deal with BM. I don't think I could have stayed if that didn't happen.
I begof you, get your DD out
I beg of you, get your DD out of this mess ASAP! Do you want her facing more accusations? I can guarantee that won't be the last. Do you want to give her chronic anxiety becuase HCBM is so unhinged? Do you want your DD to think that this how families "normally" act? The long term damage you can do to DD just by staying in this situation is so NOT worth it!
Did your DH file assault
Did your DH file assault charges againt the ex boyfriend? I hope going forward for any future dealing with BM and her boyfriends if they assault him he will file and PRESS charges, not let them drop.
As for your BD, she has been a victim of an emotionally manipulative women and your DH allowed this woman to do that to her. He's going to need to work to re-build the trust of your BD by showing her he's taking steps to learn how to build boundaries and keep her and you safe from the ex. Counseling can probably help him with this.
If your daughter is not currently in therapy ( and I understand why) you need to get her in with a therapist who knows and understand that she was traumatized by another therapist. You should probably do family and idividual therapy with her. Since you were unable to get a protective order against the ex, it does not mean you can't let the school or the extracurricular location know that your daughter is not to be around the BM under any circumstances.
Your DH has done little to protect you or your daughter from his exes toxic behaviors, until he can learn to do this you will need to be the one setting the boundaries in place and keeping them enforced. This means you have zero intraction with the ex, as you really have no reason to interact with her. You keep your BD away from her step sister in out of school activities and you do not engage or attend any of SD's activites unless DH is in attendance and he is vigilant int keeping BM away from you.
Have you made any decisions
Have you made any decisions about removing your daughter from this situation?
I assume what BM and sd reported was not true, correct?
No, accusations were
No, accusations were obviously not true, when CPS investigated I was happy to comply and give them names of my daughters teachers/school. My daughter has always been my priority so I knew it was going to be deemed unsubstantiated but regardless of whether accusations are true or false, they have to investigate everything according to the case worker. My husbands ex has never laid eyes on my daughter. I know she's tried to stalk her/me online but I do not have social media so she really has to do her research. My plan is to just stay far away and disengage. I am not involved in pick ups, drop offs, school events, nothing. If things were different I wouldn't mind being at these events for my step daughter but her mother has made it impossible.
Be careful---you may be the
Be careful---you may be the next target.
Welcome to step talk.
Hope we can help you along the way.