Excuses for poor little children of divorce

DH used to always make excuses for SD14s behavior. Things would get broken or go missing and DH always blamed someone else. My computer screen got cracked and he blamed me for it even though SD had been touching it. Then he said that he broke it, or I must have broken it. He would rather take the blame himself (that's how I KNOW SD did it). Messes are always someone else's fault even if he sees her leaving them.

If it's not SD then it's BM. All of SDs bad habits are BMs fault. Her rude behavior is BMs fault. Her materialisti c attitude is BMs fault. SD won't answer messages or the phone because BM prevents her. There was a time this may have true but she's 14 and has her own phone and is her own person so it's not true anymore. This is just how she is. BM contributed to it, DH contributed to it (though he only accepts the positive things) and SD is who she is.

The wonderful thing is DH has stopped making excuses. He will now freely admit that SD doesn't want anything to do with us without blaming BM in the next breath. He will admit that SD only talks to him around holidays and parties. He more freely expresses his frustration with her. He's letting go and I hope this bodes well that he will get past his mopey moods about her.

The less wonderful thing is that now other people jump in to make excuses for SD. People that have never even met her but know us very well (maybe that should be a clue) defend her and tell us how hard it must be going between two homes and having 2 families and dealing with stepparents and new half siblings... Yeah it's so hard on her agreeing to visitation days only when there is a party to go to or a holiday for her to get gifts. It must be so hard to come here with the expectation of DH and his family to spend tons of money on her to do and eat whatever she wants.

These people will jump to tell my DH he's a great dad (He's a great dad to our kids but definitely dropped the rope on SD). I just wish everyone would let go. SD let go, it's time for everyone to stop pretending like there is more than a superficial transactional relationship there.

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Ugh. Don't you just luuuuuv

Ugh. Don't you just luuuuuv how people love to give their 2 cents on step situations when (most) have absolutely NO idea what it's like? If it was all sunshine and rainbows, we would not be on STalk!

What does your DH do when people bring up SD? Hopefully, he changes the subject ASAP. Go Gray Rock.

He does change the subject.

He does change the subject. The one time he started to say that she only talks to him when she wants something the friend said "well duh she's a teenager" as if that made it all ok. If it's not one excuse it's another.

Yeah, DH still doesn't want

Yeah, DH still doesn't want to make it "too hard" on YSD so alllllll kinds of excuses. We've been together for over 7 years. Before that he was divorced for 3. 10 years prior. But obviously we must save the kids from themselves.

Because HE knows what it's like as a COD and how hard it was. Um, no, different situation, different time, different parents. I think DH never got over HIS parents divorce and that's half the problem.

That makes it so much harder

That makes it so much harder when he's confusing his own issues with his kids! My DHs parents are super disfunctional and should have divorced but didn't. I think he accepted an unhealthy relationship because of them but he is able to look back and see how messed up his parents marriage was and his first marriage. However my SIL hasn't yet gotten over DHs divorce. She acts like she is the COD from HIS divorce and won't forgive him for it, even though BM treated horribly. In her mind he should have stayed together for SD. She has the same crappy parents as he does but has a different take on it.

It is hard on some kids to

It is hard on some kids to have divorced parents. Especially a high conflict divorce. But that doesn't give them a free pass to be assholes for the rest of their lives.

The less wonderful thing is

How do these people know anything about what is going on? Why would they even be in a position to know to make excuses? I mean, if someone asks how SD is... I think the answer is "fine". If anyone asks where she is.. the answer.. "oh she's at her mom's". Why would these people have any insight to the underbelly of that relationship?

I think that sometimes the best way forward is to basically not overshare our personal life with people that aren't a part of it in an intimate way. People that truly know us and know back story won't make meaningless excuses.. so those are the people that would be more likely to get a more truthful view of life with SD. If they make those excuses... well it means a couple things.

1. They aren't the right people to talk to about SD.

2. They are trying to put a positive spin on a not so positive situation... people will try to give others the benefit of the doubt.. but again.. go back to number one. No sense in trying to set them straight.. they are not the right people to hear the unvarnished reality.

Yes my husband is an over

Yes my husband is an over sharer and he needs to learn this! I definitely learned not to share step related issues because I had someone call me jealous when I was expressing how frustrated I was with the custody situation. People are so quick to share their stepparent or divorce judgements.

This particular friend asks a lot of questions and met SD once. She actually asked SD how often she came over and SD said EOWE which is a blatant LIE. I couldn't correct her in the moment and look like the evil stepmom. My husband frequently gets himself in trouble over sharing and then wishing he didn't.

Is the friend an SD herself?

Is the friend an SD herself? Most of the people I've had defend SD here are people who are seeing their own situation growing up in her instead of realizing she's a totally different person than them. Or like with one friend I found out that she WAS like SD and still messed up as an adult. So excuses for SD were excuses for herself really.

No she comes from a very

No she comes from a very conservative religious household. I don't think she knows anything about divorce first hand. I think she's one of those "look on the bright side" people.

Ah. So naive maybe perhaps

Ah. So naive maybe perhaps also? The "everyone is good at heart type"?

how hard it must be going

how hard it must be going between two homes and having 2 families and dealing with stepparents and new half siblings

Divorce is usually hard on kids but parents don't do the kids any favors by coddling them and making excuses for them. Turning them into victims, spoiling them, and letting them get away with crap, is crap parenting.

I just wonder when the cut

I just wonder when the cut off is, do we stop coddling them at 14, 18, 25? Are they broken with an excuse forever? I know plenty of people who had messed up family situations and still managed to do well for themselves and don't let it define them.

If SD doesn't want anything to do with DH and he decided to stop pushing it, it sounds like they can both move on.

We don't coddle them at all.

We don't coddle them at all. We acknowledge a hard change in their life and then help them adapt and learn how to cope with hard things. Coddling them does them no favors, in fact, it ensures that life will be even harder for them because they have no ability to manage any stressful, challenging situation that comes their way.