Lazy parenting
So i've been with my partner for 3 years now, and pretty much from the get go i've seen his daughters behaviour be pretty questionable (she's now 4 1/2 - and still horrendous). I have an almost 7 year olds and she is literally good as gold so I've never had to deal with the kind of behaviour that we have from my stepdaughter. She started school this month and my partner has already had a phone call from her teacher as she was asked to tidy up and she threw scissors and had a tantrum. It was only a few weeks ago that I actually hit breaking point as i asked her to turn off something on the tv and she had a tantrum and my partner said it 'was the way I asked her' even though I made sure I asked super sweetly so that he couldn't actually blame me. I walked out and said that under no circumstances am I taking any blame for his childs behaviour. He did apologise and said he shouldnt have said it but it's like he won't accept responsibility that his childs behaviour is bad. I know that it comes across as digging at his daughter all the time but there's just no consistency in the rules from him. His justification for her throwing scissors was 'well she threw the scissors, and it just happened to hit the teacher' which to me it makes no difference and what if it had hit another child?! I don't really know how I can help when even today her teacher has asked if we can encourage her to tidy at home so hopefully she'll calm down at school and i asked him if she'd tidied up her colours and he went 'yeah' and i come downstairs and they're not even tidied? It seems like i'm the only one interested in actually helping her by parenting, and I'm just coming across as a bad person because i'm being firm. I don't know if I can really make any difference in what she'll be like when clearly her dad isn't on board and she can do no wrong? I'm meant to treat her like my own and love her like my own however can't discipline her like my own and to be honest while her behaviour is bad it's hard enough to want to take any responsibility for her.
How often does he see his
How often does he see his daughter? How does the mother parent at her home?
If she's like this at 4, imagine how she'll be at 14. Would he take parenting classes, since he won't listen to you? Or is this just him wanting her to like him, so he won't parent her.
And no, you can't make a long-term difference if he's not on board with you. While she's young she might accept your parenting, but as she gets older, if her bio parents are permissive and you are the only one with rules, she will come to resent you. And you will resent him.
You don't say if you are married, but this is an issue that absolutely must be addressed to continue in the relationship.
Amen
This.
Does he not love his daughter
Does he not love his daughter enough to actually parent her?
"I'm meant to treat her like
"I'm meant to treat her like my own and love her like my own" Meant by him, you mean? Let me guess, he wants you to want to be with her as much as he does, cuddle amd all that, and wants you to want to sacrifice for her like she's your own?
"however can't discipline her like my own and to be honest while her behaviour is bad it's hard enough to want to take any responsibility for her." Yeah, when you have responsibility but no authority, you don't even want to be around her. Anyone would feel that way. Even a paid nanny has more authority than some of these guys want to give their wives. In this case, he needs to either do all the heavy lifting on his own or give you the authority to do it. But even so, if the stepparent is the most strict of all the adults, it won't work.
'well she threw the scissors,
So Dad thinks it's ok to throw scissors if they don't hit someone and them hitting the teacher is ok. This isn't going to get better until her parents start parenting.
This, coupled with his remarks to you about tone, would make me consider making my walking out permanent.
You need to tell him" parent
You need to tell him" parent your child or I will". If he doesn't like your way then he better do it himself.
Bingo!
yep,,,,its called
yep,,,,its called responsibility with no authority,, welcome to stephell!
Blows my mind
My dh is the same way and even more so as they get older. Sd12 wrote on her nice furniture. She drew all over the side. I saw it and said something. Dh was in the room. He never said anything. When I questioned him he said he never saw it. I don't discipline his kids and I disengaged a few months ago. They don't do what he tells them to and lie all the time.
Quick story: sd12 wanted a scrambled egg sandwich. Dh was making the eggs while she made the toast. The bread came out burnt. I told her she didn't have to eat it and could make some more but change the setting. She got way weird as she usually does when someone says something to her. Dh had to ask her if she wanted a croissant instead and she shook her head yes. He told me I make her feel awkward. What?!?! Who wants to eat burnt to a crisp toast when they don't have to? He said she was fine with the burnt toast. What? Why?!?!?! His kids are so awkward and aren't socialized because it might take some parenting.