No words
Being a stepparent is hard. It's probably the most unappreciated role in a family. If you're lucky your step kids have a bio parent who is supportive or at the very least doesn't talk shit about you to their kids. That was not my case. My husband and I started a relationship in the middle of his divorce. It had already been going on for months. I was supportive in any way I could be. When bio mom got arrested, I gave up my bed in my apartment to the kids so they'd have a place to stay. Throughout the divorce and and well after my husband and I were married, bio mom called me names to the kids like 'anal Amber' and offered to give them $500 to call me a cum dumpster. She even filled their heads with the lies that I was the reason they got divorced. I didn't even know my husband's first name at that time. Even still, I tried to be the best step mom I could. It's not like there's an instruction for how to raise teenagers that aren't yours and who have a toxic mom. Last year when it was agreed upon by all parties (son, dad, biomom, step mom) to have son move in with us, dad was on deployment so I worked with the lawyers, I went to hearings, I got you here. When you got here, I took you to all of your medical appointments because your mom didn't. You told me you wished your mom cared more about you to take care of you. I made you home cooked meals. I taught you how to do laundry and how to fold it. Being 16 and not knowing to put soap in the laundry is not where you want to be. I bought you computer hardware, basketballs, volleyball, baseball glove and ball, skateboard, guitar, video games... anything I could to help you feel at home and not be bored. In the midst of the covid shutdown I reached out and helped introduce you to other teens in the neighborhood because you were lonely. I drove you and your friends to the mall, to the park. I asked that you were home before dark. I tutored you when you showed up here with failing grades. I helped you pass all of your classes. I took you off roading in the jeep. I taught you to drive even before you had your learner's permit. I asked that you help with the dishes, make your bed, and clean your bathroom. Even when I was on sea duty, with a one year old baby, and your dad's deployment was extended, I still did these things. After your dad came home things settled down a little and I took more of a step parent role. You got involved in water polo and sea cadets. You were invited to participate in the Junior Olympics and you agreed. You made all A's and one B this school year. We were so proud and felt like we were doing everything right and giving you the home environment you deserve instead of being surrounded by drugs and a step brother who takes your stuff and his friends threatening to beat you up.
Today I find out that you are telling your sister and biomom that it felt like you were kidnapped while living here. Kidnapped. You never wanted for anything. You got upset because your dad only bought you the $100 record player instead of the $250. You go back to Mississippi and file a police report that you refuse to come back here. You have your mom tell the courts that you felt kidnapped. I can't seem to get those words out of my head. Kidnapped. In a million years, I would never make my stepmother, stepfather, or even my parents feel the way you have made me feel. People like to say 'well that's biomom talking. She put it in his head,' but you're 17 now. Almost an adult. At some point a person needs to hold themselves accountable.
I have done everything I could think of to help when you needed and asked for help. You have bled me dry and I'm not even biologically related to you. I have nothing left to give you. I guess this was a big lesson for me to learn. Though, I'm still not even sure what that lesson is. It's a shame that it was such a life altering event. These events have changed me for the worse.
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Disengagement
I feel bad for you. You poured your love into this child and now understandably feel betrayed. So many people on this site have endured that.
Disengagement is your friend. Search this site and you'll get an education about it. What you have gone thru is all wrapped up in jealousy, resentment, loyalty to bio mom, many deep emotions that well up in step- families. Step back, do nothing, be polite and civil to the child but no more, let your DH have whatever relationship he has with them and nurture your own life. You sound like a good, caring person who has been deeply hurt.
Wow, what a classy sounding
Wow, what a classy sounding BM!
Time to disengage if you haven't already - don't have anything more to do with SS. If your DH is deployed, SS doesn't come to your house, you are not responsible for him. If he does come, have as little as possible to do with him, your DH does it all. No cooking, no good turns, no ferrying him about. Just see to your own life. After you went the extra mile for this young man, he stabbed you in the back, so don't make the same mistake again.
{{{{Hugs from an internet
{{{{Hugs from an internet stranger}}}}
I'm so sorry. It's just horrible that you were treated that way. Welcome to the club.
(((Hugs))) I'm sorry that
(((Hugs))) I'm sorry that happened to you. The BM is evil and it sounds like your SS is extremely weak and easily influenced by his mother. What does your husband have to say about all this? In your shoes, I would have nothing to do with the skids going forward. Complete disengagement. It's easier when you have nothing left to give. Focus on you and yours.
Why would you do all this for
Why would you do all this for someone else's child?
You will find that your story
You will find that your story is pretty much every SM's story. Same happened to me. Treated Skids as if they were my own. Helped them with school, bought them clothes, supplies, everything they wanted and needed. Made weekends super special, planned vacations, museums, sports. Gave SS a car, paid for college, pretty much the same life I provided for my own kids. And then...BAM, smacked with reality that they could give a flying EFF about me. My response...I can say with all certainty that I treated them well, they took everything I gave and then shitted all over me. Oh well...such is life. I have rid myself of them forever. It is what it is.
Read my blog
You might feel better? I have two Skids - Sd22 Feral Forger and SD15 Backstabber/Munchkin. SD15 B/M I poured much of my emotion and time and energy as well as some money. I also did pickup/drop offs. I bought clothes and haircuts at salon, mani-pedi, a new wrought iron bedframe because she wanted a bigger bed than twin XL. Took her on day trips with me, to parks growing up, and then we just took her on a 4-day weekend trip down the coast. On the beach. She could care less about me, but we are cordial, and polite.
Due to her continued "activation" of her mother against me, and her general laziness and all the momma drama, I have disengaged. Its very sad. What I did was I grieved the relationship, posted here to anyone that would listen, and made a concerted effort to do nothing for SD Backstabber, and expand in ALL other areas possible. You pour your energy love and resources into your bio 500%. Not a SINGLE penny goes to Skid. Do not cook for him, clean for him, take him places, buy that food/snack he likes.
Polite, and cordial "how is schooll? Oh cool, nice, ok, great..." "Good morning/good evening/Goodnight". Thats all. Anything and everything is now referred to the father and mother.
I too have a VERY trashy biomother. She goes to folks in my community and talks about my boobs looing bigger (since Ive gained weight), and how she gives better blow jobs than I and how I copy her by curling my hair (Ive got naturally curly hair!) and how she does her makeup better than me. How her ex wants her back...blah blah blah. Toxic Troll is my name for her. Shes a big hairy, mean, crazy Troll.
So, disengage. Your SS - as much as Id like to say stick it out with him and show him you love him, hes become enmeshed with the mother and there are loyalty binds being triggered. Sd15 Backstabber - I cant tell you how many tears Ive had to dry caused by toxic troll. How many times Ive had to try to cheer her. But she always goes back to momma, and momma is always going to pull her into the muck somehow.
You have your bio, so grieve and move foward. Im sorry you are going through this. It really does hurt.
Good luck and keep us posted.
I am so sorry you were
I am so sorry you were treated this way. You went above and beyond. I amazes me how these kid will turn on your to make BM happy and make her feel like she is validated.
I hope that your husband supports you and that you don't ever have to bring this kid back into your house.
Your relationship started
Your relationship started right in the middle of your husband's trainwreck divorce, he then gets deployed and has you take over complete care of his teenage son. I just don't see how any of the above was a good idea. Teenagers can be evil to their own bio parents but to put them into the care of a new stepmother that they barely know is a recipe for disaster, which is what happened. I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you've learned to step back from your husband's drama and responsibilities.
Bio--Child Free 4 steps
You are correct my dear. Step-parenting is the toughest job there is.
I ahve been a step father for 37 years. I am still the outsider.
No amount of love or care you give you will never be a parent in their eyes.
I give back what I get. I am a nurturer by nature. A giver.
This is how I deal with various relationships in the step child world.
To quote Red Green Remember we are all in this together.
Warmest of regards Jake
Jake,
Jake,
You have me by 10 years as a SParent. And yes, anyone who thinks parenting is difficult has never been a SParent. However, IMHO a SParent can be a parent and can be recognized as one. IF, note the big if, they demand nothing less and their prior failed family breeder mate knows that nothing less will be tolerated and the prior breeder will own the eternal enforcement of that concept with their failed family progeny.
Only then, will the SParent be recognized according to their contribution and will their place as their mate's equity life partner be respected.
At least in my experience that is the case.
Rubbing the noses of toxic
Rubbing the noses of toxic manipulative liars in the stench of the facts of their behavioral crap is often the only way to drive clarity with these types of people.
The beauty if this story is that this minion of a toxic BM is less than a year away from no longer being your problem or your DH's problem. He must be left to putrify in his behavioral crap and when he comes crying for help, rub his nose firmly in the facts, point at his reflection in the mirror, tell him "there is your problem and only you can fix it now." then send him on his way.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
How classy of bio mum to have skids try calling you a
"Cum dumpster", so what would that make her all those years ago whilst still married to her ex hubby??
I don't waste my time on skids with a hcgubm, i focus on my and only my kids. My investment in them pays off, with skids its a waste of time