Why are my step kids so annoying to me? Step mom rant!!
So my husband's kids just moved in about 3 months ago, before that they were living with their GP(who doesn't enforce discipline, social skills or manners) and before that they were living with their GM (who wasn't a good role model at all) so they've been through changes but now this is permanent for them.
I don't have kids of my own but I have 3 brothers so I've been around kids. I have a full time remote job so I spend everyday with them. Honestly I can't stand these kids (SD7, SS9) I almost don't even want them around me. I know they're just kids and most of the blame I put on who was raising them previously. They are ungrateful spoiled little shits who think everything is given to them. I recently came up with a chore list for them to do. They get their chores done then I give them their tablets which before they would wake up and first thing they would do is watch their tablets which drives me fucking crazy that that's the first thing they think about.
I feel like too much of watching a screen doesn't allow them to be aware of their surroundings and makes them so slow because half the time they don't even know what's going on.
I have to constantly remind SD to brush her teeth, if I don't she won't do it on her own. I'm always reminding them to wash their hands. I had to recently get on SS for not changing his underwear/ clothing everyday. The list goes on but one thing that is a major problem is come around dinner time SD becomes such a pain in the ass, she eats so slow for a small meal and she barely uses her utensils and is always nibbling on her food like a fucking 4 year old, it's laziness. It is such a nuisance and has become a drag. I told my husband we can not put anything on tv to watch for dinner time and SS will ask "can we watch a movie?" and he'll do it after I've already said not to. It just annoys the fuck out of me that these kids always need to be watching something. I do not let them watch anything for breakfast and lunch and let me tell you it's efficient.
So there's that then they're so whiny and complain all the time, they cry about everything which I tell them it's ok to express yourself but you won't be able to cry your way through life. They also always say "I can't" when they're fully capable, they're just lazy. & They argue with each other about the most dumb things like a piece of paper or stuffed animal. I tell them to treat each other with love and to be kind to each other yet I keep having to get after them for telling each other things like "I hate you" which my husband nor I say things like to each other.
they are barely learning manners using (please, thank you, I'm sorry etc) they are almost never thankful for what I do for them. It's literally yes a thankless job. And this has caused problems in my relationship with their dad, he makes me feel like the evil stepmom
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Where is the parent in this?
Welcome to the site. Please bear with us if you find the some of the responses a bit brusk. They come from a place of caring.
Where is your DH in this? It reads like he expects you to do the parenting. This is not your job. You should be "fun" aunt not the parent. He should be stepping up to take care of his children.
Disengage
Don't be the childcare person
I would say maybe because he
I would say maybe because he's barely been a parent and maybe feels guilt for losing custody so he feels bad. But yes he needs to step up and I'll have to talk to him and word it in a way where he doesn't get offended and take it the wrong way. So when you say disengage I guess stop being the childcare person? But how when I'm home with them all day
Smaria you have a FT job
Smaria you have a full time job already so shouldn't be expected to also do a second job to provide childcare. Would your DH take his kids to work with him? I doubt it. He needs to figure out a childcare option that doesn't rely on you. [On a separate note, as a manager I know that my teams can't do a FT job for me and look after their children. It was 100% an issue during lockdown but we all made allowances because of the unavoidable circumstances. I'd be concerned that this situation might be effecting your job performance]
There are lots of examples of disengaging on this site if you do a search. But one option is to stop asking the children to brush teeth/change clothes. If you have an issue you raise it with DH to fix himself. Another is that you stop doing laundry for the kids and hand that chore to DH.
If he takes it the wrong way, then it is his problem. You didn't make this children so you shouldn't be put in a position to parent them with none of the authority of a parent.
Agree
Can you go rent a coworking space to get out of the house while you work? If that sounds like a good solution to you, it may do wonders for your mental health to (i) get out of the house and work in an environment that you like around other adults; and (ii) become unavailable for childcare during your workday. I struggle to work at home with my own todder, and she's my bio and we have a nanny. No way I could do it with stepkids and no nanny!
Thank y'all for the advice, I
Thank y'all for the advice, I have been feeling really under pressure and it is difficult having a full time job while also taking care of kids. I needed somewhere to let out my feelings because I just want to scream and cry of frustration
Hopefully the skids will be
Hopefully the skids will be in school full time soon. Do not let online learning from home be an option.
I've been through this and
I've been through this and everything you said. BEEN there. DH had very little custody untl about 6 mos before I met him and his house was a sh*t show with SD7 and SD9. Meals were nuts, bedtime was nuts, daytime was nuts....I told him I would not live like that nor be involved with that nuttiness. I tried - I made chore charts, I instituted bedtime routies, I taught them to brush teeth, wash properly, use pajamas, change clothes, use a laundry basket - SD7 really took to this as she liked routine. Note I blame both DH and BM for all this - neither of them taught them anything. SD9 hated it and me. It got to a point where DH started DEFENDING the SDs against using the chore chart, having to brush their teeth, etc. Totally undermining me. If your DH does not support you 100% and back you up and HELP you with this it's all for naught. You won't be able to do a thing.
1. Stop watching them when you are working. Put you foot down on this. I like the idea of a co-working place if available. Otherwise, you will have to have a very insistent and non-negotiable discussion with your DH.
2. Stop cooking for them, period. If your DH doesn't see the problem, then he needs to experience it. This worked great for me actually and to this day I don't cook much if YSD is here.
3. Hygeine - if your DH doesn't help then stop, full stop. If they start smelling then you don't sit by them, get up and move. If someone asks why, say clearly why, "You haven't bathed or brushed your teeth for so long you smell, and I cannot sit by you." Higher dental bills? On him. No riding in the car wth them if they smell (done this). You could buy them books about hygeine and taking care of themselves, there are some good ones out there for this age group. My SDs pretty much tossed them aside though, thinking it was ridiculous. WTF? It's worth a shot anyway.
4. As for the whiing and complaining, I never stopped telling them "get used to it" or "you need to do X so you know how when you are older" or "...do it anyway." Oh, SD9 hated this - but I never stopped. And to this day if YSD gets whiny on me I stop her and tell her WHY I'm asking or just ignore them.
You'll have to sort this out the best you can and disengage how you feel comfortable. I'd say your job is #1.
Thanks, I wasn't too sure on
Thanks, I wasn't too sure on what to do. Luckily they're going back to school next week, I will be so happy when they're gone. They're driving me insane with their constant obnoxious yelling I am now having to yell for them to shut up. 7 & 9 more like 4 & 5 they really don't act their age and that's just one more annoying thing to add. And I feel like their dad expects me to be the childcare person, he expects me to step up but then when I do I'm the bad guy and it's a problem so I'm just gonna start caring less.
School will not solve this.
School will not solve this. Watch out for asks that you drive them places/pick them up. And when they get home....nothing changes. Back to square 1.
Ideally, you would be able to
Ideally, you would be able to disengage, but that's not always reality. What I recommend is you make a chart.
For EVERYTHING -
Wake Up - Make Bed, Brush teeth, Wash your booty - change your underwear, Use the potty - Close the lid - wash your hands,
Ate breakfast? Wash your hands - put dishes in dishwasher/sink
Chores - take out garbage Pick up Room Feed the dog
FUN TIME - read a book, watch a show, practice your writing
While kids can be rabid little animals - MOST of them can be broken down and retrained. Your house, your rules. Good luck!
In my experience this only
In my experience this only works if BOTH adults in the house agree. If her DH continues to undermine her efforts a chore chart will never work. It wored for me great untl OSD complained to DH, then it was done - never to be referenced again or followed. Even with rewards at the end of each week.
Once again you really have a DH problem
He should be taking care of them, NOT you. He should be cooking and cleaning up after them. He wants custody, He take care of them. You should find a co office type of space. Go there everyday. Then DH has to figure out child care, transportation lunch ect
You're right,
You're right, he would mention how he wanted his kids but now that he has them he can't step it up. But what hurts is he tells me he can do all this on his own, as if it weren't difficult. It makes me feel unappreciated
Then stop doing it. Wake up
Then stop doing it. Wake up before he does and go somewhere else to work (Starbucks, co-working place). Don't do their laundry, don't remind them to bathe, don't help with homework, none of it. When they ask you a question, send them to their dad.
If it's so easy, then he won't balk when you aren't there before they get up and don't get home until after they're home from school because he'll easily find a babysitter. He won't complain that the kids don't have clothes because he'll be on top of the laundry. You should still put in work towards your pieces of household chores, but anything with his kids need to fall at his feet.
Disengagement is your friend
I know its frustrating but seriously, Ive been down this road 7 years.
You are unappreciated so stop doing for them.
Why should your husband step up
He has you doing everything. So stop. Full stop.
You are not free childcare. You have a job. How disrespectful of him; but you allowed it. Let him know today you can't work and have his kids. He has 24 hours to get them into a full day camp or make other childcare arrangements. If he flails he takes them to work or takes the week off.
Who is dropping off/taking the kids to school ? Who will have the kids afterschool and do HW/ drive to extra currriculars ? You? Alert him to make arrangements for his children immediately. Direct him to care.com or tell him to look into the schools after care and wipe your hands of it.
If he has you doing things he'll never learn. Let him flail , learn, and then let him ask you for help. The key is to always have your husband ask you for help with his kids. So he understands it's his responsibility and you're so kindly helping.
People who are not step parents will tell you you must help poor dad who knows naught and these poor kids. That you signed up for this and his kids are your kids now blah blah. Screw that noise. He wanted custody of his kids , he does the work.
You'll never feel respected and part of this family doing the parenting heavy lifting. Reduce your role completely then fill it in as he asks and you feel comfortable (I'm talking over many months maybe longer). If his children are completely out of control and disrespectful your allowed to completely back off and stay disengaged. This will give your husband actual incentive to correct his kids and make them bearable to others.
if you husband gets angry at you then you know your answer. He thinks of you as free childcare , maid, and chef. Screw that. It's no life and you're better to divorce. Ask me how I know.
Step kids are hard. My
Step kids are hard. My stepdaughter is the absolute route of all things awful. She is a kid and lives with us full-time but she sucks.
In my experience, the skids
In my experience, the skids and SO situation only gets worse over time because those behaviours get completely embedded and no step parent can break them. Agree with everyone's comments: stop doing so much for the kids, no matter how much it's your instinct to help out. The load gets heavier as they get older and nothing is more of a contraceptive than losing respect for your SO because of his hopeless parenting. This is one time to be selfish.
The SD sucks
The SD (15) sucks! It is such a know-it-all, manipulative liar. DH is too lenient with it. It lives with us. Sometimes I cannot stand the sight of it and barricade myself in my room. I cannot even enjoy the rest of my home because it is always lurking. I do not want to feel this way. I just cannot stand the SD. I would give my anything to be 15 again so we could fight.
Ugh, I feel like I'm getting
Ugh, I feel like I'm getting like that. It's to point where I'd much rather not be in the same room with the little brat. SS listens more but when he's with his sister they're so immature they just end up bickering about anything, it's really annoying to deal with. I have spoke to DH that he needs to be more assertive and not to undermine me because that's what it feels like sometimes. I'm glad I'm not the only one.