I wouldn't sit out the wedding since it's going to be a long trip for your husband and I wouldn't give SD the satisfaction of you excluding yourself.

I would go in support of your husband and be the sweetest, kindest, most charming you can be to the other guests. Show them that everything SD told them about you is a lie >;)

I would not only go to the wedding, I would be dressed to the nines and hanging onto DH's arm the entire time with a beaming smile so bright it won't be missed in ANY of the photos. I would dance with DH, laugh, make conversation with all the guests and snub SD every chance I get. "I'm just here for the cocktails!"

You don't have to be excited. You just have to plaster a smile on your face and get through it.

I totally understand why you'd want to sit this out. I wanted to. But, I didn't. I smiled and got through the festivities. Did it change anything in my relationship with his children? No. But, my presence and actions that day did work to my advantage with family. Think about it carefully. What is your end game? What do you want for the rest of your marriage? 

I understand this is frustrating. I have a SD in her 20's. I could go either way on this - go or not. Do what you want to do, not what others want or expect you to do. My new attitude is that I don't go anywhere where people make me feel uncomfortable. I surround myself with people who care about me. 

Yes you should go.  Agree with the others. However, give a gift?  Optional. A card?  Probably.

I hear you on not wanting to go, I wouldnt BUT what all the ladies have said on here is correct. Go as your DH's gracious, beautiful, loving wife. Gaze adoringly at your husband. Smile brightly to SD and BM, make sure all will see how wonderful you are. Kill em with kindness 

Be sure to shower the bride and groom with happy wishes infront of BM, and the grooms family. Let them see what a liar SD is. Remark weddings are the best times to bring everyone together for such a happy occassion.

Be prepared to not be part of pictures. If they take photos of DH, SD and BM together, rush up just before and fix his tie and say "ok picture perfect hun". Act like you are just so happy. Do the total opposite of how BM and SD are hoping you will be. They want you miserable, will try anything to make you uncomfortable, dont let them! 

I might not be excited, but I'd attend the wedding in support of DH. However, I'd make it clear to him upfront that you expect to be treated as his wife, seated with him, not excluded from photos a wife would normally be in, etc. Let him know that if you are not treated as his wife, you will not be staying.

So far it doesn't sound like SD has done anything to you that's so over the top that it wouldn't look petty (particularly to DH's family) to skip the wedding. There's no way I'd attend a shower or anything similar where DH would not be with me, though -  SD doesn't deserve that.

I would attend in support of my husband only as long as I was invited. My DH's Spawn will probably marry at some point, if she hasn't already and should she invite him I have a feeling the invitation would not extend to me or her half siblings.

Can you get your hair and makeup done professionally for the wedding? And have a glass or two of champagne to loosen up? I find when I look my best and have just one or two drinks, I can have a good time anywhere.

I totally agree with the majority.  You need to go!  BUT, you also need to read your DH the riot act beforehand.  If he is anything like mine used to be, he may leave you spinning in the wind as his dear daughter rushes him away from you to visit with other guests.  Make sure that he understands that he is NOT to leave you on your own, at any time, regardless of who is tugging on his arm to pull him away.  You are his wife, partner, and other half.  You need to show the united front.  IMHO...  Good Luck!  You've got this!

I've been where you are with the added charm of doing all the wedding plannig for SD and us paying for everything, all the while working full time, going to night school and keeping a five-kid household going.  My flash point was encountering BM and I made damn sure I looked as good as possible.  After shopping everywhere, I found the perfect dress at Saks - dont know if you remember the Dallas tv show but they kept showing me " Miss Ellie" dresses but I bought a " Pam".  Lol.

All went as well as could be expected except at one point I found myself sitting alone at our table, can't remember where DH went.  But, as the others said, go in support of your DH, look wonderful, be polite and civil to everybody and in a couple of hours, it will all be over.  As a 76yo veteran of steplife, believe me, this is the first of showers, weddings, christening, birthdays, etc.   Go, look good, be civil -that's my mantra.   Vacations involving SD?  Flat no.

Go as DH's partner, as others have said. Just be sure to talk it through with your DH. Have a plan that he doesn't leave you on your own for very long, that he introduces you to people he knows but you don't, that you leave after a reasonable amount of time, and whatever else is important to you or will ease your anxiety about it all. If you suck at small talk like I do, be prepared with something.

It's all about image control--you want people thinking that your DH is LUCKY he upgraded to you from BM, and what a delightful person you are.

It doesn't sound like fun for sure, but go with the attitude that SD can't push you out. You and SD don't have to have a relationship at all, but she does have to respect you as her father's wife. And he must insist on that too.

You're the wicked stepmother. Embrace it. Get your hair, makeup and nails done. Don't forget the sexy red dress. Dose yourself with liberal glasses of wine as needed. If the bride is that b!^%$y - make the wine red too.

You have got some great advice from the lovely ladies on here.

I'm going to be different and say, I would NOT go. Your SD sounds like a bitch and doesn't deserve your attendance.

I would gently explain to H that I don't go to events that I know are going to be stressful and make me feel uncomfortable. I'd tell him to go, have a wonderful time, and I look forward to seeing the photos.

Then I would plan something nice for myself....a night out with a girlfriend for dinner maybe.

That's just what I would do.

Sounds like your SD is jealously insecure about you

Beleive me I have two SD's (and a nasty SIL) and a lot of these situations are tactics they have used too!

Used to be confusing to me but after 23+ years of dealing with them, I recognize much of what you said as just that! 

Her face set in stone from the first moment she met you? Yes for sure she was feeling threatened. Maybe you looked too good for her liking, or maybe too perfect for her father, or she was simply being a stuck up snob. All three apply in my situation with my DH's family so it could be any one of the above or all of the above for you LOL

That whole thing with her turning her shoulders away, so basically sitting with her back to you? That one actually made me think of someone I used to work with (rather than DH's family). This collegue was very insecure of other women and whomever she felt threatened by, she would do that very thing to them, but in a boardroom setting. More than one good-looking, high-performing, other female would have to deal with this sort of infantile behavior from this co-worker of ours (myself included) In the end we simply decided it was something to be complimented for rather than insulted....it wasn't that we didn't measure up to her standards, we went over and above them and it showed her up which she didn't like. So, when your SD does this, tell yourself it's a compliment - you just make her really insecure about herself

As for the snubbing and rudeness, oh yes I've experienced much of this in the last 23+ years and I have found the best way to deal with those who make it clear they don't want you in their lives, is to give them exactly what they "want". Your SD's choice, her loss, her decision. Don't chase after a relationship with her. Give her what she wants. Disengage. Always be your charming, poite and best self of course, all while paying no attention to her as much as possible. Happily chit-chat with all others in that space who are not toxic like her, and have your best time ever. When your SD realizes that her behavior does not affect you or your happiness and successes in life in the slightest, then you take away her power to lash out at you. If she continues, you won't notice or care anyway! And the only one upset or behaving in a shameful way will be her

When DH & I were married I had insisted both SD's be a big part of that. Since we were married overseas we paid to fly these (by then) two adult women there, for their hotel, their dresses and wedding gifts from me. YSD threw a fit because DH & I wanted one moment alone on the "wedding holiday" and OSD, ya she sat there at the wedding night dinner sobbing openly just like this was the worst occasion ever. I hadn't even noticed until my best friend and matron of honour mouthed the words "WTF" to me at one point, and then I looked over and saw the scene from OSD. Everyone was looking extremely uncomfortable at that point. Thank goodness with all the noise and music and conversations going on, we could carry on like it wasn't happening. 

Do the opposite for her wedding. Go and look beautiful. Be bubbly and happy and cheerful and dance all night with your DH. Make some new friends. Don't bother with your SD. This is exactly what I did at my OSD's wedding. And she did EVERYTHING to make it miserable for us. BM way up front near the head table with DH & I sitting at the back table (you know where you put the non-family, or relatives you must invite table) she snubbed us like garbage all night even when at one point I was face to face with her and cheerfully congratulated her/told her she looked beautiful, I got athe stone cold non-verbal glare. Well I partied that night! DH & I danced, my FIL kept asking me up to dance LOL to the point I got more stone cold stares from OSD, and finally full out interruption on the dance floor when YSD decided to rudely step in and starting dancing with FIL instead (I guess too much attention for me they couldn't handle it LOL) I chit chated with people we knew and liked, made new friends. 

So go for it girl!

Enjoy your life

Do not let those who are full of envy, jealousy and insecuries take away your happiness. 

I spent a very long time trying to win over my SIL and SD's. I always thought that if they just realized that I was a good person, trustworthy, nice and wanted nothing but the best for them that they would come around. Until I realized that they already knew this, and it only made them despise me more. They did not want a relationship with me. Not because I didn't measure up, but because I showed them up in their eyes, and they therfore decided this was a war and the only way I could ever make them happy is if they elimated the 'competition' 

There is a saying about sometimes when you've won the battle you've lost the war - well at this point I would say it applies in their case

Here's something to hopefully help you with your emotions about this: it's not personal to you. I could be the woman in your shoes and she would be treating me the same way. It's circumstantial. I know, I know, easy enough to say but that should be your new battle shield or invisble cloak - it's not about you. She sounds like an entitled, spoiled, delusional child. 

Take the high road, keep her at arm's length, never trust her and set your boundaries that YOU are comfortable with and hold SD to them. 

I've told my DH that I am not a second class citizen in anyone's life or family.   Just because I'm "that woman" doesn't mean I've accepted that I am an automatic target for other people's uhappiness with whatever they are unhappy about.

Anyone with a history of disrespectful behavior towards me loses the opportunity to continue to do it.  I've got better things to do.

If your DH complains, ask him why he expects you to tolerate disrespectul behavior?

I typed my comment above then went to read the other comments. I can understand being newly married that you do not have the experience of going to these types of events, so it's uncertain what is going to happen.   I will tell you what happened to me.

When my OSD got married 15 years ago, she, YSD and BM had formulated plans ahead of time on how to snub and embarrass me.

- they tried to get me to wear white to the wedding (I'm not that stupid)

- BM herself tried to get me to sit in the front row next to the walkway....she would rather have me embarrass myself then have the best seat for her own daughter's wedding

- they sent one of their family members on BM's side to ask me who I was (at the reception). "I didn't see your name in the program; I was wondering who you were since you were sitting in the front row."

If you have people like these in DH's family, miserable people who like to plan how to make you feel bad, then don't go. Your marriage will take a serious hit if you see your DH stand by and do nothing. My DH even chased his OSD and told her she was a fantastic person when she told him to "F### off" and he wasn't welcome to see the grandkids. This was after he finally told her he did not like some of the things she had done in the past. 

We have a comfortable marriage but I wouldn't call it a good one. We are pretty much companions. I lost a lot of respect for my DH after watching him stick his head in the sand for so many years.  That's why his DDs are the way they are - BM did all "parenting" and DH stuck his head in the sand.

It's one thing to go to the wedding if you have a husband who never fails you and always has your back.  Then, I say go ahead just to support your man.

I didn't have this.  I had a SD that had been doing things since day one meant to cause division between me and her dad and a husband who was too stupid to see or too proud to admit his Pretty Princess(tm)was capable of such.  She even used the bridal shower plans as a way to cause division yet insisted I go to wedding and bridal shower TO SHOW SUPPORT FOR HER MARRIAGE after working continually to destroy mine.  Irony anyone?

Of course my family was snubbed including dear old dad who helped pay for it.  I saw this coming and refused to attend.  Unfortunately my kids were IN the wedding and committed deeply.  I believe the only reason she put them IN the wedding was so I would be out in the audience completely and utterly alone as one snub after another flew under the radar like so much incoming flak.

I didn't go, but I took my daughter to a beautician for professional hair and makeup that was better than the bride's.  My daughter looked like a Disney Princess the only thing missing were the little talking bluebirds flitting around her head and shoulders.  She had a very elaborate do with ribbons and flowers woven into it.

Instead of going to the wedding, I picked up some food for some seniors I knew who wanted to get together for lunch.  This was far more rewarding than going to a place where everyone hated me.  

My daughter hated the dress she wore and took clothes with her so she could change right away.  Pretty Princess had a fit about it but my husband, God bless him, told her to back off.  Maybe he did notice the snubbing because they left right after dinner and only one or two obligatory dances.  Regardless, I was unforgiven for a goodly number of years for not going and accepting the ill treatment I was due.  It was the first step on my total disengagement.

SD could have changed and done things right if she wanted to but she never chose to do that and instead used her father's illness and subsequent death as another tool to beat us with.  She doesn't know it and I'll never tell her but it cost her 15 large in the end.

Stupid bitch.

She kind of larped as his widow for a while.  She tried to act like we were all happy family to try and wedge her way in here and shove everyone around again but me and the kids weren't having it.  She tried to say she was going to church and changed but we weren't buying it.  She offered to drive me to cancer treatment every chance she got but it wasn't because she wanted to help it was probably so she could get even more time off from work and look like some kind of hero.

The week before I was going to have surgery she was trying to get her dad to go and see some woman at a hotel that her BM knew back on the day.  He had the decency to tell her no.

After all this, she wonders why we won't speak to her.

Unbelieveable.

Maybe her dad finally got a clue because he would see her outside the home and no longer tried to throw us all together anymore.  IDK don't care we're done now.  He's gone and all his people who had little or no respect for me are dead to me.

side.

We have had that philosophy since we first married. I was at her side during the custody/court battles with the SpermClan, I was at her side during the evolution of her family's relationships, I have been at her side at her high school reunions when she was struggling with her confidence about being the single teen mom at HS graduation even after she had finished her double major BS prior to the 10yr reunion and then after finishing her MBA and CPA prior to their 20year which she/we attended after she had lost nearly 100Lbs, was absolutely rocking her hot life success.  We had traveled to her home town from our international adventures.  I had a few of her classmates approach me and express their HS crushes on my incredible bride.  They were too shy to have approached her in HS and apparently were still too shy to approach her at their reunion.  At both I won "The best Husband" award.  The same woman and I won the "Best" spouse awards at both reunions.  

She has been at my side through my life and career triumphs just as I have been at hers.

If I were you I would hit your favorite boutique for an amazing ensemble, hit your favorite luxury spa for a rockin hair style and make over, and be radiant on your DH's arm.  Radiantly beaming your happiness. The shitty manipulative people will scurry for the dark corners like the cockroaches they are.  Roaches run when the lights are thrown on in a dark roach filled room.

Be the light.  Laugh brightly at any crap they pull, shake your head and give them the proverbial "Bless your sweet little heart" any time any of them slight you.  I understand that it is supposed to be about the bride... but when the bride is a proven heifer of a toxic POS.... payback in a classy way is fully justified and should occur IMHO.

As for your DH, he needs to grow some balls and gain some clarity on his POS daughter and her toxic womb donor.  The "they almost lost her when she was sick as a child" is complete and utter horse shit IMHO.  My parents lost their youngest child when I was 8 and my younger brother was 2.  The baby died of spinal meningitis at 10mos old.  They did not abdicate their parental responsibilities nor did they fail to raise my little brother and I with standards of behavior and performance.  Your DH is an idiot of a father for tolerating his toxic DD's crap.  You need to give him that message.

Have fun being radiant at the wedding and sending the roaches scurrying.  Give your DH some testicular fortitude and some spine.

Enjoy living your best life, even at the toxic SD's wedding.  Just maybe her DF will see the light and leave her at the alter. Never forget that living well is the best revenge.

YES, what Rags said!!!  ...including the "Bless your sweet little heart" phrase at every slight!!! LOL

How about gushing, "I'm SO glad to see you happy and finally smiling" at every possible opportunity. She'll hate you for it. 

Ick, ick, ick. I won't be surprised if I have to face a similar situation in the next few years. I already DGAF about the step's social arrangements, and it will take blasting powder and a whole lot of DH persuasion to move me from my home in the tropics back to the continental US to witness the miserable creature's nuptials.

True enough, you belong by your DH's side. And you've gotten some great suggestions for handling yourself and others during this ordeal. But why bother? I'm with your DH. If you don't want to go, don't go. Life's too short.

to agonize over it.

Knowing you're already upset and your stomach is in knots over it tells us so much.

Like you have mentioned, I think most of these feelings stem from what a crummy presence SHE was at YOUR wedding, and how sad is it that you cannot stand looking at YOUR WEDDING PICTURES? That is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life. I'm so sorry for you for that.

As for your DH saying "she's older/changed" let me tell you something, that is him trying to assure HIMSELF and CALM HIS OWN FEARS. He knows he sired an ass with a head. Similarly, your DH stating he is "feeling caught in the middle" is not only such a cliche', but his way of making himself appear as the victim of circumstance, when, in reality he is the architect of this bullshit by NOT creating clear and healthy boundaries for his marriage regarding this SD. When a man has testicular fortitude and makes it abundantly clear to his offspring that he and his wife are a UNITED FRONT, he will have a very HAPPY WIFE AND MARRIAGE. On the other hand, when DH's try walking the tightrope of  the emotional juggling act in an effort  to appease SD and DW, it rarely turns out good. If he feels "caught in the middle" it's because he HAS PLACED HIMSELF THERE. The mere fact that any time you have interaction with SD, she is rude, snubs you, or ignores you IN HIS PRESENCE shows you HE IS CHOOSING TO IGNORE IT and he is CHOOSING NOT TO ADDRESS IT, which is really putting his stamp of approval on it. If SD's are not reigned in IMMEDIATELY they see it as their green light to carry on as usual. This has disasterous effects. This is the voice of experience. Let me be your yardstick for measuring this, please.

You mentioned your feelings for him have changed and you hope that passes. Coming from a similar situation with my DH ignoring shitty behavior and passive aggressiveness, I share your feelings. In the beginning my feeling were confusing. I wasn't exactly sure WHAT I was experiencing because I had never had a relationship with a man who had kids, grown or not. Once I began to clearly see what was happening, I realized HIS SILENCE was AFFIRMATION. In other words, choosing to do NOTHING is a CHOICE.  If your DH does not address these issues, your feelings will continue to wane and decline, and understandably so. No woman can feel love and be there emotionally or physically for a man who puts his daughter FIRST and doesn't have his wife's back. Nothing kills the love bug faster than that. 

As for the jealousy issue, it matters not how "pretty" SD is. I have seen so many instances of SD to SM jealousy. I've read countless articles and studies on it. Everything I have read has taught me that the more attractive and educated a SM is, the more THREATENED SD's FEEL. That is THEIR problem, not OURS. The other element that causes  the green monster to rear its hideously ugly head is YOU HAVE DADDY FULL-TIME and SHE DOESN'T and NEVER WILL. You see, these "girls" see us as competition and they are threatened by that. It's really a very sick and sad dynamic. Why can't they just be happy because dad is happy? Honestly, when I married DH, my only motive was (A.) To love him and (B.) To be loved by him. That's IT in a nutshell. I had no idea the twisting  and turning path  this dysfunctional dynamic would lead me down.

Getting to the wedding, you know you are already feeling uneasy about it. Here are some things you should think through and consider; though every wedding and reception are individualized, there are typically parent toasts or speeches. Are you prepared to hear and see BM and DH gushing over their princess? Are you prepared to see your DH lock arms with princess and BM coming down the aisle? Are you ready to see DH dance with SD to their "daddy/daughter" song?  Are you prepared to see past failed family photos (none of which YOU WILL BE APPEAR IN)  that often appear on large tables, collage photos or nowadays huge projected slide shows some people show at their weddings and receptions? Are you prepared to be left out of wedding photos or awkardly . obligatorily, and reluctantly  included? Can you handle being ostracized and isolated from "the family" in the church seating arrangement, and possibly at the reception dinner, if they have one? I present these scenarios, as they are fairly typical of step-life. Even if your husband has balls the size of The NYE ball in Times Square, they often cave to their princesses because it's THEIR SPECIAL DAY. Let's face it, deflated balls are NO FUN. 

If you're not prepared for some or all of the above, I would opt out if you are in fact invited. 

If you are ok with any or all of it, even if it takes alcohol, medication or whatever, to help you get through it, then do it. Be as gorgeous and gracious as you know how to be, and give 'em somethin' to talk about. Out class the bride! Put all eyes on you, and eclipse her silly ass. Do whatever YOU FEEL IS BEST FOR YOU.

There was a commercial not long ago dealing with depression and it showed the lady with a smiley face attached to a tongue depressor stick. The patient would put it over her face indicating she had to put on a happy face instead of facing her depression. I might feel compelled to make or order one and bring it along. It would be simple to create from an emoji. LOL

It's similar to a flow chart in elementary school. If "A" happens then proceed to "B". If "B" happens, explore "C" and "D." You get it.

Personally, I agree with S_Mum above: "I'd rather eat glass."  

Please visit here often and keep us apprised of the newest developments. 

It all depends on your DH.  Will he demand you be treated with respect as his significant other and see through any games they may try to play? Or will he play dumb in an attempt to make SD happy?

In my situation...no way would I attend my SD's wedding or any wedding of my SO's children.   For starters,  their neanderthal step father and I had a screaming match when I pepper sprayed his dog that was attacking me on my bike.  He called me a c*nt and every other name in the book.  So, no.  I don't want to be in the same room as him, or my SO's children.   Last time I attended a social event my SO's kids did a bang up job of making sure he was with them the entire time and I was left on my own.   SD would look over and smirk/gloat.  Her wedding would be nothing but daddy daughter dances, daddy with her the entire time and her, daddy and BM.  My SO is basically an idiot and drools over any attention he gets from his adult children and refuses to see any of the shit they pull.  I would just be treated like a second class citizen the entire time while he played dumb.