My SO doesn't want to go on vacation with my kids because his kids can't come
I want to take my kids on a vacation this summer because usually when my kids are off school in summer they are with their dad. However, this time my work schedule and visitation is working out with the school term start. Now initially (as in earlier this year when we talked about it) we were going to do a big vacation with my SO, his kids, my kids and me. But, my SO kids are homeschooled and because of family visiting last month etc, BM had their summer vacation start earlier and their BM intends to start them back to school a few weeks before the start of the vacation I plan with my kids. BM is refusing to push the date forward or allow a break once they have started because she wants the kids to settle into a schedule.
Now I have suggested that we can go with just my kids. It is my kids first international vacation by the way. But my SO does not want to do that. He wants me to go alone with my kids because it does not seem right to go on vacation with us and not bring his kids. So it was okay for me to be running around doing activities with him and his kids without mine with a smile and cheer all summer but he does not want to do it with mine. Not that I hate his kids I do not; they are good kids but still they are not my kids.
On top of all that these kids do not need another vacation this past summer they have visited 2 Caribbean islands, went to Disney World and visited 2 other states. And the summer is not over yet. None of which my kids went on, partly because they were mostly with their dad. In fact my kids have not even left our state all summer. On top of that he intends to take the oldest (2 possibly) at least on a couple of work trips this fall. So it is not even unfair to his kids that we will be going on this trip without them. I'm kind of really upset that he turned down doing something with my kids for once this summer together.
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I would go without him.
I would go without him.
Absolutely, yes, go without
Absolutely, yes, go without him.
BUT, in my opinion, this says A LOT about him and what he considers "his family". I suggest you realign yourself. No more wasting time on his kids. Eff that.
I certainly hope he doesn't see an issue with you taking your kids.
So he will never go on any
So he will never go on any vacations unless his children are present...wow that's going to suck for him when you guys are empty nesters and he never gets to go anywhere because his grown a$$ kids can't come with.
Wait, so you have gone on
Wait, so you have gone on vacation with just him and his kids, but now he won't do the same? Do not cancel, go without him! Enjoy your time without worrying about him and BM and his BM-loving family!
No just him and his kids but
Not just him and his kids but his BM-loving family as well on two of the occasions this summer alone.
He literally said if he knew I didn't really wanted to come he would have respected that. But he thought I was fine with going. He even said that next time I do not have to go without my kids; lets just do joint stuff from now on. The point of reciprocity is passing him completely by.
It's not passing him by. He
It's not passing him by. He just wants what he wants and who cares what you want.
DH, if you don't think it's
DH, if you don't think it's right to go without your kids, then you don't think it was right for me to go without my kids. So in the future I will respect your feelings and not go without my kids.
DH is being ridiculous. BM is being ridiculous. BM ended the last school year early to accommodate her family, and is refusing to accommodate the biological father. Dad's vacation time should not be subject to the vagaries of whatever schedule is convenient to her. Dad should be able to select a time within the local school calendar vacation.
Go with your kids. Make memories with your kids. Leave DH home. (And don't buy him a gift while you are gone either.)
It is so ridiculous. This was
It is so ridiculous. This was supposed to be an exciting milestone for my kids. He also had the nerve to suggest that we postpone for fall break instead.
To be completely fair to BM she did end the school year early to accommodate SO's visiting family.
It will still be exciting for
It will still be exciting for them because you're still going to go and have a blast.
And you're going to ignore SO's texts and phone calls except once a night to let him know you're safe.
And you're not going to get him souvenirs because he could have come and got them himself.
And you're not going to send him photos and videos.
And you're not going to gush about the trip when you're home.
He is making a stupid, guilty decision to not go. This is the equivalent of cancelling Christmas because the kids will be with their other parent. I understand that he wants these memories with his kids, but that means he may have to plan trips with just them and him. They're not without experiences; he just doesn't get the privilege anymore of being involved in all of them. That's the nature of divorce.
So go with your kids, have a great time, and let him sulk. Explain to him in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable behavior. Then decide for yourself if this is any sort of dealbreaker. If it isn't, then going forward, plan separate vacations. If it is...well, I'm sorry that it didn't work out.
Your kids don't need him for
Your kids don't need him for it to be an exciting milestone. They just need you. The chances are that they'd prefer to only go with you. Just say "ok, bye. See you when we get back. " and go have a blast with your kids!
Please do not, not even for an instant, consider any of his suggestions about postponing your plans.
Goose and Gander
Have you brought up that you did this and so he should as well, because he is your equity life partner?
Id go without him and send plenty of nice photos. He might just change his mind. Because FOMO.
His logic is that my kids
His logic is that my kids were technically on vacation too with their dad and he doesn't want to be off on vacation whilst they have school. Mind you he is taking his eledest posible the two eldest on work trips which he mitigates it to be an educational experience and not a vacation.
Go without him and stop going
Go without him and stop going on vacations with HIS kids.
Go with your kids and enjoy yourself
You now know where you stand with DH. All for him nothing for you. I would disengage from his kids do nothing for them. Not there fault that they have a Disney Daddddy. But he has to learn
What a hypocrite!
What a hypocrite!
Go without him, but he is being childish and petty and I would seriously reconsider wanting to have such person as my life partner
enjoy your holiday (hugs)
Oh, the hypocrisy is strong
Oh, the hypocrisy is strong in this one. I would point out to SO that he is a hypocrite, that you did for his kids what you're now asking for yours, and he is not acting as if your children are family. If he doesn't then decide to go, I'd go without him and have a great time with my kids. Going forward, I would not go out of my way to do things with his kids unless you wanted to. What's good for the goose . . . .
I might add that BM is also being ridiculous. Flexibility is one of the big advantages of home schooling; I don't understand why she can't be a bit flexible so the skids can go on your vacation. Has your SO pushed it with her, or is he one who doesn't want to rock the boat with anyone but you? Did he ask for an accommodation for his family at the end of last school year? If so, and he won't do the same for the vacation with your kids, you really are bottom of the barrel here.
He has tried to push the
He has tried to push the issue with BM but it was a no go because BM has already accomadated him (his family mostly) a lot this year already. Plus he is asking for time later this year to take them on a couple of his work trips as "educational experiences" not vacations per him.
Well, at least he tried, I
Well, at least he tried, I guess. What I'm getting from your various posts is that you're his girlfriend, not his family. Your kids are most certainly not his family. BM is more family than you are, if not to him then to HIS family. Why do you think that is? I'm assuming since you're calling him SO that you're not married. Do you think that's it?
It seems to be cultural. BM
It seems to be cultural. BM is from their culture and OP is not. I've dated people from different cultures and one family really seemed to want me around and make an effort to include me. The other - well, let's just say the "chill" and tension were very obvious. If it's not cultural, it's the fact that they have no place for OP, because that place is already occupied by BM.
I guess it is partially
I guess it is partially cultural and partially circumstance. BM went to college in the US and was long distance from my SO and her family so she used to spend a lot of holidays that she couldn't go back home with my SO's aunt and her family. They also have similar cultural backgrounds. BM also sucks up to his family and is Miss. oh so helpful. I get being a polite guest at someone's house but BM acts like she is also the host. Oh and BM calls his aunt, her aunt.
My SO grew up seeing his aunt and her family possibly once per year, if that, because they lived in different countries so they weren't close growing up. And his aunt is a bit of the busy body, over involved sort of family member that can be overbearing. So my SO doesn't really make a lot of efforts to get involved in her family so not to invite the intrusion into his life. He does get along well with his male cousin and uncle but he lives out of state and the uncle tends to defer to his wife when it comes to big family stuff. I also think his family is female domineering.
Are you and SO married?
Are you and SO married?
No we are not married.
No we are not married.
Is there a reason for it?
Is there a reason for it? Does he not want to get married?
I’d call out your husband on the hypocrisy that it was
Fine for him to expect and demand you go on a holiday without your kids but the same isn't reciprocated in the current situation.
me and my husband are from 2 different countries. When i was living in his country in asia, every year i would fly back to Australia (where i am from)
skids didn't go on these trips because we stayed at my childhood home as my dad lives alone in a big home. Its not a home hubby can invite his feral kids from exwife yet alone 2 sd miniwives who respect no boundaries. If they couldn't show basic respect and manners in their country, they sure as hell wouldn't in mine and no one wants to be made to feel an outsider in their home including my dad in his own home if skids were around.
anyways, its just a fact when parents split up and remarry etc, there will be holidays that skids do not attend and that is fine, the world does not revolve around them. Heck even our wedding anniversary are skid free!! We only bring our kids who were toddlers at the time but they are kids directly from our marriage together and pleasant to have around.
skids would look at sabotaging the trip, ignoring me and my kids and ranting on about bio mum and stepdad
This is his position
Sorry you're disappointed- it is hurtful when you realize that you and your partner are on different pages. However, your SO is clearly stating his position. He doesn't seem to be interested in blending with your kids. He doesn't want to go on vacation with you and your kids. He doesn't feel like he has to reciprocate based on the fact that you went one trips with his family - he even told you don't come in the future. You have to decide if that works for you. He doesn't sound likely to change.
This would make me feel like
This would make me feel like convenience, not family - or someone that is actually cared about.
Do you see yourself living
Do you see yourself living like this for years to come?
Looks like your SO is ok with it. But are you?
He's flat out telling you
He's flat out telling you that you and yours are not worth his time. That would be a deal breaker for me.
I looked at your previous
I looked at your previous blogs and I think the issue is that you aren't really a family.
He sure doesn't look at it this way. He has a family of all these relatives and his ex is part of that family. You are not married or engaged or at the very least cohabitate and he never asked you for commitment.
You sorta moved yourself and your kids in when pandemics hit and then moved yourself out to accommodate his family, which you aren't a part of.
He kind of tells you where you stand. You are his girlfriend. Your kids are girlfriend's kids. Nothing wrong with that if that's what you want. But it sounds as you want family and want to be treated like one but it's not what's happening at all.
I propose that until you are married or ar least engaged and live together you stop playing house and stop playing family. I am not saying dump him. Date him if you like his company. Get a baby sitter and go on dates just two of you with him making an effort to pick you up for dates. If he wants more, he'd propose and will make a family. Otherwise you'd know where he stands. By playing house you make it very easy for him. Stay in your own house, don't go to his, don't stay there and see if he makes an effort. That will be your answer