SD asking about when she was a baby
Long post! But please read I need advice...
My situation is very different. I did not become a step parent willing per say...story in my bio. Long story short we found out about my SD when her mother was 7 months pregnant but she wasn't sure who the father was, a paternity test determined my SD was my now husbands daughter two weeks after her birth but a week later I discovered I was a month pregnant. Our girls are literally 9 months and 1 day apart. They are now 7 and 8 and we raise my SD half the time. My husband and I are welcoming our 3rd child together (we have a 7 year old girl and a 4 year old son) but since my daughter and SD are older this pregnancy has brought up a lot of questions.
Since my SD wasn't conceived or discovered in the most ideal of a ways we have avoid the topic for the most part, leaving it at we will discuss is when your older but she is now getting older and filling in blanks on her own. My husband becomes irritated when the girls ask question and even when I try to discuss what we should tel them but I have been trying to ease a bit of their curiosity lately without over sharing. It is such a tough situation and not like many other step parent stories. Her mother and my husband hooked up at a party during our dating years during a rocky period of our relationship when we were trying to figure things out. However, she has told my SD that they dated then daddy met me after they split up and her sister came to be. Unfortunately that is no where near the truth and we often talk about our dating years before kids to our children which has also made our daughter ask questions. The one thing my husband and I do agree upon is telling my SD the actual truth...one day...not now but we were together 3 years before my SD was conceived and then back together literally after she was conceived so even if we don't tell her, eventually she will contact the dots down the road.
Any way with the new baby being due in two short months the girls ask a lot about their birth stories, how they were as babies, those kinds of things. They asked them when their brother was born 4 years ago but they were to young to really notice our avoidance of certain topics like they do now. Tonight my SD asked since daddy and I were together why weren't we both at the hospital when she was born? I didn't know what to say besides I was busy. My husband went and saw her the day after she was born because despite not knowing 100% if she was his or not he wanted to be able to truthfully tell her he had been at the hospital if he ended up being the father. He wasn't there for the birth nor did he hold her because he said that was to much and would be hard if she didn't end up being his. But I have no clue what her mother has told her ( neither my husband nor I are on great terms with her and she tends to be very childish)
I am just having a hard time with being honest so that time lines makes sense without making her fully aware of the situation. It is not easy for me to handle even today and still tears me up emotionally so it's a battle to bite my tongue, especially when she throws out a "well my mom told me" followed by complete lies. I don't think she needs to know everything obviously at this young age but it's hard to explain why things are the way they are without giving bit of the story away.
please I just need insight and advice badly
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If the bio mum is telling lies out of resentment and hatred etc
You could tell the truth all you like, the sd may very well still believe her mothers lies. Even eith hard facts some skids still choose to believe the loes the bio mum repeats.
Unfortunately this happens all the times. Too often the dad wants to hold off discussing the topic or the truth while bio mum is spewing and brainwashing lies to the child and it ends up being too late to tell the truth that when dad is finally ready, its all lies according to skid and bio mum.
bio mum can make you out to be the cheater who broke up her and her daddy's relationship when in reality she was the temporary rebound girl/fling.
in the end the dad needs to figure out when it's comfortable for him and appropriate to tell his daughter the truth and call out bio mum on the lies she tells her kid but sometimes you're forced to ignore biomum because of the drama she will bring out trying to paint herself as the victim and you and your husband as the evil ones.
Can't you just keep it simple
Can't you just keep it simple? They don't need the ugly details of whether you were really broken up or just in a rocky place or if it was just a one night stand.... that's too much for kids 7 and 8. Mostly they probably just want to feel like they were wanted and people were happy they were born. The 8sd probably also wants to think that her parents cared about each other at one point. There's nothing wrong with that. People are willing to tell their kids all kinds of made up crap about Santa and other stuff is it really bad to wait until she's older before she learns daddy never loved mommy?
Try something like basic like "Well me and daddy were together for a long time. We love each other lots but relationships can be hard so we split up for a little while and daddy and your mommy met. Now they both love you very much but they weren't right for each other and didn't stay together. Then daddy and I got back together and had your sister. We really do feel like we belong together and daddy is so happy he has both of his beautiful girls in his life."
I guarantee they hear crazier stories of people dating and splitting up at school from their friends. You can always tell them more when they're grown if it is appropriate
I think at this age your can
I think at this age your can continue to be a bit vague "Yes your father met your mother and they dated "briefly" while we were on a break."
This, and what the previous
This, and what the previous poster said.
Parents lie to their kids all the time as a form of compassion. SD will eventually understand that she was the product of a one night stand, and it's easier to explain to a teen/adult SD, if she asks, that explaining a one night stand with a kid is difficult. It's already difficult enough getting kids to see their parents as human beings out of being parents; adding on the complexity of sexual relationships is exponentially harder.
I also think you can switch from saying "I was busy" to "your Mom only wanted a few close people at the hospital, like her mom and sister (or whoever was there) because having a baby is personal and can be stressful, and since your Mom didn't know me then, it wasn't polite for me to be there; but, your Dad made sure that he was so he could see you as soon as he could!"
It's telling a very rosy picture of the truth, but for a kid, that's probably the best route to go.
Are you Ross Geller in
Are you Ross Geller in disguise???
Be sure it's about SD
I agree with most of the above. My only caution is to be sure you're looking out for SD, not for your own ego (sorry, that was blunt). It's quite easy to get caught up in the battle of "I was the true love, she was only a one night stand. I had him first and he came back to me, she was just someone he had a fling with while WE were on a break"....and all other sorts of narratives that are really about proving the validity of your relationship, rather than any true desire to help SD.
SD doesn't care if you were "on a break". She doesn't care if they hooked up at a party for one night, or if they dated briefly, or if they dated for a year. She just wants to know that she comes from good people who love her and are kind to each other. That she's wanted, not a mistake, and is equal to her siblings as a human being.
Please try hard not to let the adult dynamics and judgment enter into the explanation. I would say that you and DH dated for a while, but then broke up (because you did! That's what on a break is!, unles you two vowed to get back together, you broke up for a time). You broke up because you both had more growing up to do. Or because the time wasn't right for you to be together just then. You and DH each saw other people and had other adventures. He met her Mom and they liked each other, but weren't perfect for each other in a forever way. So they broke up too. You and DH found each other again, and this time you decided it was forever. But by then you'd found out she was on the way, and wasn't that a happy surprise for everyone! You and her mom didn't really know each other, so it wouldn't have been appropriate for you to visit her at the hospital, but you were excited to get to know SD so you met her as soon as you could.
You get the idea. Just focus on letting her know that she's valued and loved, without getting into the weeds that your relationship with DH is the real one and her BM's relationship is judge-worthy, or "less".
Exactly!It's not really that
Exactly!
It's not really that you should lie to her but keep it to an age appropriate version of the truth that won't negatively impact her view of herself or her parents. If the first time a child asked where babies came from they were shown a porn film that would be a serious detriment to their development. You don't have to make something up but share a loving positive view of the past that she can handle.