So anxious...what to say? How to act?
So, this whole gender reveal party thingy is REALLY throwing me off. It's been about 1.5yrs of no contact with BM (since SD's graduation) and no drama. I guess DH and I were hoping to never ever have to deal with her again in our lives, SD has stated she didn't want kids at ALL, and that IF she did it would only be because her partner really wanted one, but it would be in her 30's. She was adamant about it. As you know, I think her bf's influence has likely been key in her going ahead with this pregnancy. So here after only a small break, we get to have bm involved/wrapped up somewhat with us AGAIN for a long time.
Gender reveal, then the shower, then when baby is born, then the bday parties, etc etc. I think that's what is causing so much anxiety and dread like I felt when in the middle of stephell- I was so glad to be DONE with it, and I feel this kid will throw us RIGHT Back into the mess. BM will make everything a competition, etc.guilt trips to do more, help sd more w/the baby, who knows. I know from BMs posts about this pregnancy that she is (or pretending) super excited. She's of the type that see's nothing wrong with young kids having kids I guess since she was barely 17 when SD was born.
I'm struggling with WHAT to say when questions come our way from BM, or sd's boyfriends family (they were a teen couple too when they had him that by crazy odds made it and are still together), we will hear things like "So, are you excited, how does it feel to be grandparents? Do you think it's a boy or girl" And everyone will scream for glee when they announce it. What on earth to even answer to this? I don't want to lie, but I don't want to ruin sd's party either, I want to appear supportive. Or Bm will show us up with "OMG I just love this little one so much already, I"m so excited, can't wait to meet him/her" and I'll be like uhhhh....to hell w/ the baby lol. Your daughter is ruining her life as you cheer her on.
I want to say "Well, no, I"m not excited, we are devastated, we think it's a huge mistake, we think she is ruining her life, her life will be infinitely harder financially, emotionally and every way from here on out, this is not what we want for her, she should have aborted, they should consider adoption, we think it's a tragedy she landed pregnant at 20, unmarried, with only HS and no place to live (she's living with her BF at my MIL's again).
So, do I have to go? No. Did SD ask us to please go? Yes. Do I want to appear to support her even if I disagree with her decision? Yes. How can one politely answer those questions from BM, the bf's family or others there without coming out as the enemy but also not giving a seal of approval or outright LIE.
Would saying "Well, it is what it is" be enough? Any other ideas? HOw about "Well, we are disappointed in the pregnancy happening, we want to be supportive, but we still feel it's going to be a huge burden on her which we hoped she would not have".
Bottom line, I don't feel the anguish towards SD I once felt, and the absolute truth is-it's not only because we dont' want to deal with BM anymore,-we REALLY feel this will be a horrible burden and ruin her life. No, kids aren't always a blessing and joy- plenty of times they destroy the persons dreams, hopes, career, and opportunities- they continue the cycle of the parents with no further studying or financial stability, we didn't want that for SD. We wanted her to ENJOY her 20's to the fullest, maybe go to a trade school, travel, have fun, have no responsibilities. Now she is tied down, she will suffer financially, not to mention if it doesn't work out w/her boyfriend (though I admit he's a wonderful young man and loves her). Just ughhh, she is RUINING her life, but it was her choice to proceed. I don't know HOW to fake happiness, surprise of even GIVING a damn what gender the rugrat is. I care that this will destroy sd's life and future. Harsh to say about a baby, but that's how we BOTH feel.
I love babies, and I would have loved a grandchild when the time was right IF they even decided to have any- personally I'm not one of those that needs grandkids, I rather not to be honest-but if the timing had been right I would feel some joy, I feel absolute DREAD about how SD's life will turn now, and feel dread having to be back in bm's circle again so soon. I'm just ranting guys...I even had nightmares last night related to this thing.
If I don't go, I'll come across as a total beotch- DH didn't want to go either, but once he learned MIL and his brother are going and SD called him TWICE about it, we had both agreed it was best to go.
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Would it be possible to be
Would it be possible to be neutral/positive and leave out negative as best you can? Instead of "Well, we are disappointed in the pregnancy happening, we want to be supportive, but we still feel it's going to be a huge burden on her which we hoped she would not have" what about:
"We are surprised about the pregnancy, but will do our best to supportive."
Or something like that...
Q:"So, are you excited, how
Q:"So, are you excited, how does it feel to be grandparents?"
A: "We are still processing that SD is having a baby."
Q: "Do you think it's a boy or girl"
A: "Not sure, but I'm sure SD and her BF will be fine with whatever gender the baby is."
Statment: "OMG I just love this little one so much already, I"m so excited, can't wait to meet him/her"
A: "I'm glad you and SD are excited about this."
(No subject)
This!
Advice.only2 is spot on. This....all of this!
The gender reveal is not the place for you to air your judgement of her (their) decisions. They have made the decision, let them have their joy. The hard times will be here soon enough. Let them be happy. For all you know she will pull this off with grace and style. Don't give her the memory of you being the only ones judging her and being upset.
Focus on your love for her. Aren't you excited - (I love the answer we're still processing that SD is having a baby!). Don't you think they'll make wonderful parents. "I'm sure they'll support each other as they always have". What do you think about all this? "SD has always been a bright girl with a good head on her shoulders. I'm sure they'll be fine".
Becuase, in the end, they will be "fine". For good or for bad, the baby is happening. SD may miss out on partying when she's 20, but she may find that having had children young leaves an empty nest at an age where she has money and opportunity to enjoy it even more! I became a mom in my early 20s (married for a few years first). I don't regret a minute of "missing" my 20s.
Spot on! I love this advice.
Spot on! I love this advice. Also if you don't want to deal with BM after the gender reveal, why don't you plan separate events? My husband's parents do separate events for everything except weddings.
No to the seperate events, I
No to the seperate events, I'm not having any influence on doing the double dip for the grandkid that SD had all her life, poisoning and spoiling another kid. I will either not attend or have them visit, but definitely no separate parties. I'd rather deal with BM then do the double party thing w/yet another generation. Sorry, lol, have strong feelings about that one.
I went thought this with my
I went thought this with my niece when she got pregnant at 19 and then again before 21. She became a loser and lost her kids, ex BF's mom has full custody. I think mostly because she didn't want kids to start and she missed being a young 20 something with hopes and dreams.
Some people are fine having kids young. I was 22 and ready. I don't regret it for a second, being a mom is what I was meant to do in life. But not everyone is like that...
"We just hope she will still be able to fulfill her dreams and goals." "We are happy to support her emotionally"
You must decide what you are going to do
Because this is not a one time thing. There will the First birthday, every birthday, graduation , party's. Ect
If you don't want anything to do with BM and I can understand that. Just don't go. I would not go being the only non BM family friends, you know they will pull something
"though I admit he's a
"though I admit he's a wonderful young man and loves her"
maybe focus on this part.
when they ask you can just say it really was quiet a surprise but you feel like bf is a really good young man and you hope they are able to build a good family together. Thats not lying.
That should make his family happy. To be honest, they will be all wrapped up in their own emotions. Just avoid being negative and say you sincerely wish all three of them as much happiness as possible. After all, you do wish ultimately for these young people to be happy and successful so it's the truth. That you don't feel like they are on the path for happiness is probably not something to acknowledge at that time.
Then just ignore BM as much as possible. If she wants to go 110% let her burn herself out. It's only a competition if you play too.
Our invisibility cloak
Our SP invisibility cloak is our friend here. We are only invited to these functions for the sake of putting a good family face forward and to bring gifts. I buy the gift, look nice, go, be pleasant and non-commital and go home after the first person leaves. Nobody cares what I think. When BM was alive, it was a strain but being polite and civil worked.
You are right, there will be many events; shower, birth, christening, Christmas, birthdays, recitals, sports events, weddings, etc. You will become adept at timing your attendance, side-stepping and all the rest. I'm 74 and have had many years of doing it, now it's the grandkids going thru it.
Your bigger concern is the level of support, financial, time, etc, you want to divert to the baby. After raising our 5, we were done. We attended events, either together or going to our own kids events, but we did not babysit and we didn't support any of them. Thats really the bigger issue, the events are just a sideshow. Good luck!
answer questions with
answer questions with questions.
Q: Are you excited?
A: How could we not be?
Q: Are you hoping for a girl or a boy?
A: Babies are adorable aren't they? How could we pick one?
And as for BM? meh. you learn to smile and nod and then ignore. I am grandma, my ex and his wife would sit with us at brithday parties and I treated them like strangers in a grocery line. Polite then out of sight out of mind. If she wants to compete, let her. Don't play her gamr. Ignore her.
While becoming parents young
While becoming parents young is no ones dream for their kids or skids, the only thing that can be done is to offer and show support. Your thoughts that this baby will absolutely ruin her life is just your fears taking over. For all you know, this child will bring purpose to her life. Maybe she will embrace motherhood and decide that she MUST do better so that she can offer her child a beautiful life. Don't be so quick to count her out just yet, she may surprise you. To the questions one may ask?
Are you excited?
We are still processing it. But she seems excited, so good for her.
Do you want a boy or a girl?
We are just hoping for a healthy baby and a safe birth for SD.
As far as BM, pretend you don't know her. Who cares?
These are all excellent guys,
These are all excellent guys, thank you! I know it's not the place/time to air our displeasure, hence I needed ideas as couldn't think straight. IF I go, I will be using these. BIG if, with all I'm going through right now, not sure I'll even make an appearance to be honest.
As to boy or girl, for sd's happiness, she always said she wanted a boy if she ever did have one, I think her boyfriend does to...so to make it a tad easier on them I would say boy. NOW, the evil part of me, wants her to deal with a girl as rotten, spoiled and drama filled as she was, that would be sweet karma LOL.
We had a not unsimilar
We had a not unsimilar situation with my OSD who got pregnant at 22 with her BF who she had not been dating super long term.
Of course once the "shok" wore off.. my MIL was so happy for a great grandchild.. she LOVES babies. She wanted me to have a "grandparent name".. and I shut THAT one down by telling her that I am not a grandmother.. I don't have any children of my own.. my husband is the grandparent.. period.. she got her little pearl clutch in over that.. but no more discussion of me being a grannie was brought up.. haha.
And BM.. well.. like you, we had had been looking forward to a blissfull BM free time.. and my YSD had just pretty much graduated HS.. and didn't even attend her own graduation...so we didn't even have to deal with that.. babies and marriage seemed like it should have been a lot further off.. but here we were.
So, when the shower came around.. I declined. I called OSD and told her that I was sending my regrets and a gift but that I thought that she would have a more fun time at her shower if BM and I were not both in attendance (my DH was working out of town and couldn't make it anyway).
The only time we ended up at the same place was for a quickie wedding a month or so before she gave birth when BF and her decided to make it legal for the baby's sake. That was super fun.. haha. BM tried a couple of smart comments.. which I rolled my eyes at.. but we got through it. But it was only a few hours... and what could she really do.. say something mean.. oh well.. it's not like I care about her opinion.. lol.
Since then.. all things related to her children (now she has had a 2nd).. have been separate from BM.. if BM is invited.. we don't go... simple. It's my DH stance.. he has no need to be in his Ex's presence and things like smash the cake first birthday parties? He just isn't that kind of grandfather... but he has taken his grandson for several granddad days and visits him when he can... talks to him on the phone etc.. But, honestly, he is too busy to attend every Tball practice or whatever.
OSD has tried a few times to host "family thanksgivings" where she invites BM and her BF.. and also us and her grandparents etc.. We always decline... There is zero need for her to host these types of events... and we have no intention on participating in her "happy family theater".. when in reality.. we know she struggles in the relationship and doesn't even really like her mom or her mom's BF.