Son’s relationship with my husband

Forums:

I have an unusual situation. My husband has been in my life for nearly 20 years. We have had a rather volatile relationship. We married once and then divorced. Now we are married again. I made the mistake of not telling my three sons that I married him again! I guess I was embarrassed for once again marrying him. My oldest son wants to have proof that he is there to stay. That he is part of my life. I live in Florida, my son lives in North Carolina. The other two sons are okay with my marriage. They are 40, 38 and 33 respectively. It should also be noted that my oldest is married to a very controlling woman who doesn't like me nor respects me. They have three sons who weren't allowed to come to my house when they were down the Christmas of 2019. I could see them but at her invite only. I'm not sure that this is all my son, though he says so. I have my doubts but haven't said anything. Does anyone have any suggestions to what we can do to alleviate his mind? I don't think he knows what he wants.

Actions

"Actions speak louder than words". Perhaps after awhile when your son sees that you and DH are living peaceably, he will come around.

My son isn't willing to do

My son isn't willing to do that. I asked. Good suggestion though.

There's nothing you can do

There's nothing you can really do. He's an adult and entitled to his opinion. But, you're an adult, too, and entitled to your own life. Id try to keep communication open between you and him, that's about all you can do.

He is 40 years old and it's

He is 40 years old and it's time he grew up. Firstly, it's none of his business what's going on in your private life. Secondly, he's being puerile by sulking and depriving his kids of their grandmother. Thirdly, if his wife is as controlling as you say, there won't be much you can do about anything. In sort, carry on with your life as you please and remember that you owe no explanation to anyone.

Counterpoint:

OP says her relationship with her husband is "volatile", which can range from on again/off again to abusive. Could be that Oldest Son doesn't want his kids exposed to a relationship that is volatile like that. Could also be that he has asked his wife to help him maintain strong boundaries with his mom, since it appears OP doesn't have strong boundaries with her relationships (and doesn't appear to respect the boundaries of her son and his wife in relation to their children, and doesn't appear to respect his wife yet demands respect for her husband who hasn't been a permanent fixture).

Or, both OP and her son are in "volatile" relationships and that's why they are butting heads. Too much projection and reflection from both.

It's hard to say which it is based on only her story of the situation.

How do you provide proof that

How do you provide proof that someone is there to stay? What exactly does your son want? And has he explained why he wants it? Seems a weird request.

Proof

I don't think he knows what he is looking for. I wish he'd say it's a weird request.

I understand being

I understand being embarrassed but not telling your sons probably created a major trust issue. Start with an apology then just keep trying to show your sons that your relationship is here to stay.

My oldest son wants to have

My oldest son wants to have proof that he is there to stay.

Why? He is a grown man, who lives in a different state, with his own life and own marital issues.

Does he want a notarized affidavit, or what? Why does his mind need to be alleviated? He should trust that you know what you are doing, and focus on his own life with his controlling wife.

If it doesn't work out, that is between you and your husband. My parents got divorced and then re-married. It happens.

Quit making the same mistakes

Quit making the same mistakes repeatedly and expecting your sons to be supportive.

Mistakes

Not a very helpful comment.

I think it is important to

I think it is important to remember that your boys have seen you hurt repeatedly with this guy.

Keep that in mind.

It is entirely likely that they see your repeated relationship cycle with this guy as a mistake. They may also not want their young children exposed to the drama.

If my parents had ended up remarried I have no doubt that my brother and I would have been very protective of our parents within their new relationships.

It's rare that I agree with

It's rare that I agree with you, Rags, but I think this is pretty spot on. My mom had an on/off relationship with a man, and I don't have any fuzzy feelings towards him for stringing her along. Had she continued a relationship with him, I probably wouldn't want to spend much time with him. If my mom wanted me to, I'd likely decline those invitations. I'm not interested in forming a relationship with someone who may not stick around, and I also don't want to watch my parent get hurt. No thanks.

LT, I am sorry that your mom

LT, I am sorry that your mom went t hrough this.

Sons

It's interesting that only my oldest has this issue. My husband is here to stay. Though I do understand he might have issues. Choosing my husband was not a mistake and whatever hurt is about seven years in the past. Not to be too blunt but my husband grew up finally! It took a little time but we are now more than okay.

All because he finally

All because he finally decided to grow up doesn't mean your son is obligated to give him another chance. All because you gave your DH another chance doesn't mean your son owes him one, too. You also can't expect your son to respect your husband when you don't respect his wife, and your reasoning for wanting a relationship with him is for his children. There is no benefit in a closer relationship with you.