DH understands I want to disengage after SD was here last time (two weeks ago). I told him that he needed to talk to his work and figure out a way to move his hours around so that he can go pick her up and put her to bed instead of me having to do it.

He hasn't done that yet. He keeps saying "I'll talk to them" and even when he does things still don't change.

The other night BM called and cried to him saying he needed to step it up, that SD didn't even want to come over anymore because he doesn't spend time with her and that "she says she hangs out with Kelly more than you and you're her dad. She's there to see YOU." I was really glad she said that because I've been telling him that for a while now. He started crying and feeling guilty but told BM that he wouldn't be able to pick up SD until Sunday because I wasn't going to be picking her up on Friday nights anymore. When they got off the phone I felt bad for him and told him I'd pick up SD for him one last time so he could see her Friday night and not wait until Sunday. 

I picked up SD & told her we'd go surprise DH at work. I texted him and told him we were on the way and that I'd bring him dinner. I gave him a "Hey, we're 15 minutes away" warning. She had fallen asleep at this point so I told him to come to the car so I wouldn't have to wake her up and drag her inside (he works at an ice rink and it's cold and she was in shorts and a t-shirt). I park.

"Hey, we're here. Parked in front of the office."

5 minutes for by.

"Hello? I got your dinner and it's going to get cold."

Another 5 minutes goes by.

"What are you doing that takes this long? I gave you a warning we would be here soon and you confirmed you'd be ready."

Another 5 minutes goes by.

"I'm giving you another 10 minutes and then I'm taking her home and putting her to bed. She's exhausted but she was really excited to "surprise" you."

10 minutes goes by. 

I leave. As I get on the freeway he calls saying he was clearing off the ice and that it takes 30 minutes to do. I told him I was gone and that he wasted my time since I already didn't want to go get her. The only reason I went out of my way to his work was because he claimed he wanted to see her. So I get home and she wakes up sad because she wanted to see him. 

Today has been better but he still was absent minded when she spilled her cereal and didn't have the right shoes on (it's raining and muddy) and while I try to keep my mouth shut, it's hard. SD immediately goes "Well my mommy says..." or "My mommy let's me..." every time I ask her to do something. 

And now because of their custody agreement, I am going to have an entire month of her. Luckily I will be working and DH is responsible for finding activities for her to do, taking her to summer camp, getting her ready, etc. But because he STILL works evenings, I have to go pick her up from camp every evening and have her from 6-bedtime. 

I won't have an evening to myself for a month and I want to pull my hair out. I am going to have to deal with her annoying "I miss mommy" crying ass every night and have her eat dinner (she won't eat vegetables but wants dessert and I have to be the one to not let her get away with that shit because dad will be at work), get her bathed and dressed for bed and asleep at a decent hour for the next day.

I love my DH, but the more I have to be a step parent (and I have never wanted kids) the more I think we shouldn't have ended up together. It's not fair to him or to SD that I can't stand kids. He deserves a woman who is dying to be a mom and is good with kids. I am not that woman.

God help me.