Graduation
So I was just told that I would not be invited to Skid's "graduation" ceremony bc she doesn't want "drama and awkwardness" with BM. Ummmm so, since when do kids make the rules about what family events I can and can't participate in?
And of course DH is on board with it.
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That seems consistent with
That seems consistent with how everything goes in your household. Your DH lets the kids rule the roost.
If you went, would there be drama from BM?
If you went, would there be drama from BM? If so, why would you want to go? It is the kid's graduation, and if she knows her Mom would cause a scene if you were there, I can understand why she might not want you there. I'd let this one go.
Yes, that is the worry
That BM is going to have a fit.
This is nothing
This is nothing compared to the other slights your blogs show you experiencing. I'd let the graduation issue go but maybe take the chance to book a spa day for yourself so you aren't sitting at home bored.
While I understand it is
While I understand it is hurtful to be excluded, based on the history with your DH, it seems consistent that he would have no problem letting the child make this call. I am on the fence about these kinds of situations. If a step-parent doesn't have a great relationship with the child.. and isn't in theory "celebrating" the child's accomplishment.. maybe it is in that kid's rights to have people there supporting them that are important to them.. and that have supported them in this journey to Graduation.
A ceremony of achievement is somewhat different than a "family event"... it isn't a social event.. like a wedding might be (but be prepared for THAT hill in the future I guess). It is an official achievement recognition for the child which isn't really the same social construct event that a party would be.
Now, if they are planning a joint graduation party (why they would.. that is crazy to me).. and you were excluded from THAT ... I think it's wrong to exclude a lifetime partner from being by their SO's side.
Me, personally, I would be happy to not have to go... I didn't go (though I was invited) to my OSD's shower events... no way I wanted to be with BM in those settings.. I sent a gift and my regrets..lol.
I agree you should take the day and go have fun doing something for yourself.
You may also want to think about your marriage because your dH doesn't seem to support you "ever".. a picture of the EX in the living room? that is pretty over the top disrespectful if you want my opinion there.
Thanks for this
I get it. I am also conflicted, as you describe. I see her side of it, but DH had nothing to say to try to remedy it, such as "we are all adults, we will figure it out". I guess it's the principle of it that disturbs me the most.
Its the principal
I get it that you are hurt about being excluded - it truly sucks. They dont want you there for "fear of rufflling BM's featherse", well then you do not need to give your $$$ or your time.
Book some fun things for yourself, and let them know if they change their minds, you are unavaible ALL weekend.
A party after might b ok, but again its the principal of things. That your husband is even for a minute ok with this shows you where you stand with him.
And what ever happened with that photo in your home of the ex?
Photo
Finally was taken down (grudgingly) after months of counseling sessions.
And that’s exactly my thought...
My problem is not with my Skid, it's with DH and his handling of the situation.
Where is the graduation? If
Where is the graduation? If it's in a large venue, you don't even need to be anywhere near BM.
Honestly, graduations are boring as hell anyway. But - don't plan to get her any gift or anything.
Why in all that's holy would
Why in all that's holy would you want to go? Give yourself a nice spa day instead.
Yeah, I don't get the angst
Yeah, I don't get the angst over graduations. Deathly boring, I'd be happy to be left out.
I second, third and fourth this sentiment!
When Feral Forger SD22 garduated (with a D...) about 5 years ago, when I was sort of new to this world (now a veteran at almost 7 years in), she told Husband that "I dont have enough tickets!" She had a ticket for: mother, father, sister, auntie #1, Auntie #2, Cousin #1, Cousin #2.
I shrugged and moved on. I had work that day anyway because it was during the workweek. Husband told her "if Clove doesnt go, then I wont go either!" Causing a big drama. Auntie #1 offered up her ticket, which Husband refused because at that point he was kinda mad, and so nothing really made sense. Like I said, it was all new.
He wanted me there for moral support, because he figured if I wasnt there, the ex, Toxic Troll would try to sit there or would say or do something.
The next day, she produced a ticket, sourly commenting "I stood in line a REALLY long time to get this, I hope youll go". WELL. I went. I took a half day off work, so less pay in my paycheck, sat on a hot hard bench in the hot blistering sun without water, and we were a few hours early anyway, it was super crowded. Miserable. For Feral Forger SD.
I got a photo of her and Husband. He gave her $$$, and a signed stuffed animal and some flowers. She took off with cousins, and did the whole "sober graduation thing". We didnt see her for a few days...
Long story short, we suffered though it. I would have been just as happy not having to go through any of that. And when I told Husband that "well at least I wont have to sit through another graduation ever again!" And he looked at me with a frown, and I guess Ill have at least one more...because I doubt Backstabber/Munchkin will graduate college...but if she does Ill no doubt be required to go to that too.
But, if he didnt allow me to go - that would be very hurtful!
The the steps want to play
The the steps want to play happy little family with BM and your Husband. Isn't that cute.
If your husband goes, he is playing their game and it lets you know where you stand. Instead he should:
The only exception would be the ceremony itself, I know there are always very limited tickets. Even more so with Covid. I offered to stay back at my SS's before covid because he only had 10. There was a lot more family that had been in his life longer than I had that I felt should have been able to go. (The difference is my DH wouldn't stand for me being left out, so I went)
It may not be that they
It may not be that they necessarily are wanting to play "happy family" It very well could be that the kid has a legit concern that their mother could make what should be a happy day where the kid can be proud of their accomplishment into a publicly embarrassing situation where their mom and their SM have some public conflict. Just the worry that it could happen would take away from it and while it isn't necessarily SM's fault.. the fact remains that the mother IS their mother and they have a loyalty to their mother.
Even efforts to sit separately could not stop BM from stalking over and making snide comments.. I get that concern from the kid and in the end.. inviting mother and father are the two basic people I would expect to attend.
And.. I see a graduation as somewhat different than a social family event like a wedding. It's not a family event.. it's a celebration of one person's achievement and they want their parents to witness it. You don't need a date to go to a graduation.
Now, if there were to be a lunch after.. or a party... that would be where the line would be drawn for me. BM and DH shouldn't be out happy familying with the kid. One or the other can take them out.. the other parent can do something with them special at another time.
I do also think that the relationship with the child can impact this too.. if the SP and the skid are not on great terms.. why would you want someone who you don't have a great relationship with at your graduation? Again.. it's not a "plus one/date" social event. Can a spouse go? sure.. but it isn't mandatory really..
Again, I bowed out of the shower.. and honestly.. would have bowed out of the actual wedding for my OSD..lol. I hate those kinds of things anyway.. haha. But, I understand being hurt by not being included in something.
I would be especially hurt if I thought I had a great relationship with my Skid and they said they didn't want me there. But if I didn't have that kind of relationship... I would not care.. really.
And.. the same would kind of go for me at a skid's wedding where I didn't really get along with them.. I would be happy to be let off the hook.. but would go if my spouse wanted me to.. but I have zero concerns with my spouse wanting to happy family it up with his EX.. haha.. and neither of my skids ever had the "get the parents together" schemes either.
If the reason that the skid wanted to exclude the SP was to somehow get their parents together.. that would be different.. but it seems like there is some concern that BM would act up and the kid just wants peace.. and they see this as the only way that will happen.
Her DH probably agrees his EX would be an ahole and is ok with it. It is the kid's graduation I guess. If it were to college and SM had PAID tuition for skid? maybe different again... but it don't get vibes that this is some scheme to happy family.. i think it's a kid's hope their graduation will happen without being embarassed in public.
And that’s the thing...
I thought we had the kind of relationship that she'd want me there, and she says she does, she just doesn't want friction with BM.
Again, I guess in mulling it over, the disturbing part is DH lack of support/understanding for my position and not even trying to mediate or offer solutions. Which is probably the same reason he has not even facilitated a meeting between me and BM either in 4+ years.
In my experience with a HCBM.
In my experience with a HCBM.. the best course of action is to have as little as possible contact with them.
I think your DH has not displayed a lot of support for your general position in the past.. but that aside, in this particular situation, I think he is putting the person who is graduating's request as the priority. And in reality, there is nothing he could do to make BM stay in line.. there is nothing he could have likely facilitated between you either. Sometimes the only way to really deal with these people is to avoid them.
It sucks that BM is the kind of crazy that makes the child afraid of the friction and it's unfortunate that your DH can't sympathize with you more.. but in the end.. I'm not totally against the child being able to decide the guest list when they know the potential for embarassment.
It is hard for a child to tell their parent that they expect better behavior.. perhaps in time the kid will develop more backbone here..
I don't think your DH had a whole lot of "choice" because I'm sure that telling the child they weren't going if you couldn't.. all it would do would be to put the kid in a super tough situation.. where they didn't have any good options to choose from. Sometimes they make choices that hurt people.. and they just don't see another option.
If BM is the one causing
If BM is the one causing trouble, she should be the one who is not invited. That's how you deal with a toxic parent, not by making everyone else accommodate and adjust.
Let this one roll off your back....
There are hills to die on- and this ain’t one of them. Graduations are a snooze fest. Also, HCBM are not worth the trouble. The kid knows her mom will ruin the day - it’s a tough spot to be in. Your responses here indicate that you recognize that. That’s your gift to her. I am sure people may disagree with my take, but picking my battles has gotten me through the past 15 years with my feelings and sanity intact. The invites are limited in normal times and even more so due to COVID. Maybe do something fun with friends, take a hike, spa it, or whatever is fun to you. I love my alone time.