Ex gf children
Hi you may remember me with regards to leaving a relationship that had 4 children involved with no fathers involved and I left due to so much pressure being a role model as well as being a dad to my two children as well. Before I left I did build a bond with the children but the ex is using her children saying it's not fair that I walked in her kids lives and then I decided to leave. She said it's ok for my kids cause they have me but now she's guilt tripping me into I should come and see her kids.
she states that it's not about me and you and it's just about the children but I know this is not entirely true.
i feel bad because she does send me pics and videos of the children upset because they want me. Yes she is using the children and it's not fair she's doing that.
If you wondering why we are still talking well I thought at the start it was amicable when I broke up with her and we would just be friends but when I've slowly been distancing myself She throws the kids in my face and it's not nice.
Even it will upset her children because they really do love me. Is it best to just walk away and just ignore calls and texts from her. Anyone else been in that situation after a break up?
There's a reason why you
There's a reason why you broke it off with her. Please disconnect, you know she is using her kids to rope you back in. At the end of the day they are not your responsibility nor is her poor choices in who she had them by.
I'm a little confused - are
I'm a little confused - are your two kids HER kids as well?
I don't think it generally works out great for a former partner to keep a relationship with the kids, unless they are adults and it's their choice. If your kids aren't her kids, then it's time to cut them all loose. It's extremely manipulative of her to send pictures and videos of them saying they want to see you - don't let her guilt you into it. My guess is that she hopes to win you over so you will get back with her.
Sorry I have two children of
Sorry I have two children of my own from a previous relationship and she has 4 of her own from 3 previous relationships. Yeh she defo has become more manipulative as well. I don't understand why some adults use their kids as weapons
Because they can...
Because they can...
I remember you
O.M.G. RRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUN!
How disgusting!!!
Those kids and the trauma they will have faced on her behalf before they become adults. *bad*
Walk away and make a clean
Walk away and make a clean break, as it's obvious that she thinks nothing of using her kids to get you to stay involved.
She is manipulating you, pure and simple.
Ignore.
Give her clarity.
You and she are over. As for her kids. Tell her that you will see them periodically but she cannot be included and she is entirely responsible for dropping them off and picking them up.
Once they turn 18, she has no say over any of it.
If you want to be in their lives, you have to drive this message home and hold her to it.
Let her kids know that their mom is the one keeping them from you.
Good luck.
Okay Jord, first thing you
Okay Jord, first thing you need to do is take responsibility for your part in this dynamic. She is not doing anything to you, the kids are not doing anything to you either. No one is making you feel bad, this is all drama that you are choosing to open your life to. You have to choose whether you want to have an ongoing relationship with those kids. If you say "Yes," to the mess (Spin on "Yes to the Dress" TLC, lol) then you need to be all in on whatever level for those kids. It's not fair to them for you to be wishy washy in one minute and out the other because of your feelings of guilt. If you say "No," realize that it's okay to put your kids, your life, and your mental health first. Your ex has a lot going on and it sounds like the dads of her kids are not present. While thats sad, it's not your fault or responsibility to be their father figure, especially since the ex has moved on.
Like my mom used to say when we kids were running in and out of the house, "Either you're in or you're out!" We had to make a difinitive choice and you do too.
Oh most definitely I am much
Oh most definitely I am much part to blame in this. I got with her when I wasn't ready to go into a relationship then COVID and the whole lockdown came and we just got stuck in a bubble and when you are stuck in that bubble you pretty quickly find out this is not what you want.
she started blaming me I used her for the whole of lockdown just as company. I said this wasn't true as I didn't know I was going to feel like this into the relationship but spending time with one lot of people you quickly realise it's not for you. So I got out but I built a bond with some of the kids and now she's being manipulative cause she knows I care about them. But I know I have to walk away from all of it. Kids are resilient right?
doesbt help I've got her oldest which is 12 texting me she misses me
Yes, kids are resilient. It's
Yes, kids are resilient. It's quite possible, no instead I would say likely, that your ex is getting her dd to text you that she misses you. You're a dad and your ex' strategy is working better than your ex acting alone because using the kids can ellicit way more guilt than just your ex. It doesn't sound like you were in that relationship for very long so no offence but I doubt the kids had enough time to see you as a dad. On the other hand, if they are so desperate for a dad in their lives and bond way too easily, that's not on you. You are not responsible for how those kids were raised before you came along and you are not responsible now. If your ex and her kids want a dad in their lives so badly then your ex is the one who is responsible for contacting those dads and facilitating her kids' relationships with them. If all those dads are freak shows then it is your ex who needs therapy to figure out her track record and how her negative patterns have impacted her kids. It is not your job to be your ex' or her kids' saviour. It is your job to put your focus on your own kids.
If your ex continues to get her kids to contact you it is perfectly fine to let the kid know that you and their mom are no longer together and that it had nothing to do with them. If kids continue to text you keep referring them to their mom. Deal with this like disengagement. "Ask your mom" or "talk to your mom" should be your mantra. You may even have to have it out with your ex and tell her you see her manipulations in using her kids and you are out. Don't let her say that you're hurting them. Put it back on her and tell her that she is the one hurting those kids because you are no longer going to respond.
The sooner you break away the better. A woman who uses her kids to land a man and who doesn't let go sounds like she's BPD. The four kids with three men and none of the dads in their lives is another sign. This woman is at the very least very troubled and you need to get that out of your life. Her kids being collateral damage is all on her and not on you at all. You cannot save them. Don't feel guilty. Think of it as doing something healthy for your own family. What would you tell your kids as adults if they were going through this? You'd want them to save themselves.
It's nice you care. Maybe
It's nice you care. Maybe because you are a dad you have a soft spot for these kids and it tugs at your heart. But there is no scenario where this ends well. By hanging on the heartbreak will be even worse. If you made some bad choices in all this, that can not be undone. But don't stick around and make it worse. Block the numbers and cut contact. As a parent it is her job to provide her kids with the mental, emotional, and physical support they need. She needs to make sure they understand this life change in a healthy way and get through it. That's her responsibility. End of story. If she can't handle that then she should not be bringing anyone into their lives. If she's not a responsible mom, you can't fix that. Staying involved will likely just drag you and your kids down.
If she had four kids with three or four other men
How is this your problem? She had kids with men who don't give a sh*t about there kids, how is this your problem? Because she had really bad judgment once again how it this your problem?
You must cut all contacts with them. Stop being sucked into this dysfunction and a dysfunctional woman. It will never end well. She should be going after baby dads