I can’t help wondering about BM
Hi everyone,
With so many stepparents on here I just wanted to get your in-put on if this is normal. Those of you who deal with a difficult or even toxic BM, how much time do you spend wondering about what's going on in her mind? To explain, my SS lives with us full time. His mom abused and abandoned him a few years ago. With the help of a domestic violence order she was removed from the picture for a few blissful years. After a great deal of effort, counseling, patience, and 3 years detox from BM my SS has blossomed into a really kind, thoughtful, sincere young man. I'm proud of the changes he has made and how much he has grown emotionally. Our normal family life is going really well. However, his mom has resurfaced recently and has minimal contact with him now, about an hour a week. To be fair I don't believe she is crazy or evil, I think she is simply selfish. He is often hurt/offended by her behavior and it usually seems like she gave no thought to his feelings. After just a short supervised visit with her he is worked up and I know it will take hours if not days to help him recover. I often find myself wondering why she is like this, what is she thinking? I know I will never understand her or get a real explanation. Still I can't stop trying to figure it out. She and I have never spoken, my husband has always dealt with anything regarding her God bless him. He said it's his burden not mine. But still I wonder how can she be so demanding and shameless? How can you have a court forbid you from contacting your own child and still be so full of yourself? She truly seems to believe she's a good mother, she has no remorse for the trauma she put her child through. I often find myself getting distracted lately trying to imagine how she might justify her actions. Have any of you ever gotten insight into the mind on the other side of the mess? Did you ever learn what really made the ex be so impossible? Is it normal to ponder this? I just don't understand how someone can cause so much pain and not care. *dash1* or is this merely an impulse I need to curb for my own good.
Read up on personality
Read up on personality disorders. Most of the BMs on here have one. That might help.
My partner and I have
My partner and I have speculated over and over about the behaviour of the kids' mother and I've concluded it's down to her having a terrible childhood and being a selfish wanker. Her husband isn't much better so they seem to feed off each other. I would have thought that having a crap childhood would make her determined not to allow history to repeat itself, but it appears that she's not that kind of person. She's also a perpetual victim and can weave any situation into one where she's completely innocent of any blame. The strength of her cognitive dissonance would be admirable if it wasn't so harmful to those around her.
We try not to let her into our thoughts too much now, but since she abandoned them the kids have started to speculate about what's going on in her head, so there's no escaping it apparently! Huzzah!
Sounds very similar to us. It
Sounds very similar to us. It's too bad when kids have to ask why their parent is such a jerk. :'( Ss gets frustrated that she seems to have a totally different memory of the past. We can't explain it for him. I just told him he's not on trial. if he tells her something hurt him, he doesn't have to prove it or argue his point. He's been practicing saying in the mirror "These are my feelings. Please respect them or I'll leave." It's sad, but a little bit encouraging to see him learning to stand up for himself.
I get ticked off though when I realize she probably never gives a thought to any of this. Selfish people get to be so carefree! The rest of us are getting worry lines! Lol
I've defintely gained some
I've defintely gained some more grey hair! It really sucks to have to pick up the pieces of kids who have been stuffed around by a crappy parent, I just hope that like your step son, mine learn how to speak up when they need to assert boundaries and needs. Many adults can barely do it so I guess it's a life skill they can learn better than most? I don't know, there has to be some benefit from this situation somewhere.
To be honest I don't think the kids' mum is a happy person though, she makes bad decisions and blames the world instead of herself, that's not going to lead to a happy and healthy outlook life.
Also, I'm sorry to hear that
Also, I'm sorry to hear that your step son is still being hurt by his mother
It's not fair when good kids don't have the parents they deserve, it sounds like you and his dad are doing an amazing job though xxx
How did she
manage to get visititation again? Sounds an awful idea, for him and yourselves
when you've made so much progress.
She probably does have personality disorder, narcissistic etc. I can't speak for her but there does seem to be a theme of bms believing they care, when really its an ownership thing. He or she is MY child , and therefore I have rights . And its usually a crap ride for all concerned
*unknw* Old man judge decided
*unknw* Old man judge decided it was important for them to reconnect, in spite of the child's wishes. I guess children are the only abuse victims it's ok to order to spend time with their abuser. Therapist told everyone it was a terrible idea.
There is no way you can figure out
A crazy person. Or how a crazy person thinks. There thinking changes by the minute. They try to be nice then everyone is picking on them. Back and forth
BM occupying space in my head
We didn't have the abuse situation you have, poor woman, but I can relate to having BM occupy space in my head. I spent so much time and energy trying to figure out her whys. I regret that now but at the time, I was kind of obsessed by her. Part of it was wondering how she could have let such a good man go and fantasizing how easily I imagined she could lure him back with the kids. Then, when she let the kids go, too - I could never figure it out.
I finally decided she was repeating some dynamics from her own, original fractured family.
Good luck, sounds like you're doing a good job.
I'm a what guy.
I generally find why to be a waste of time and effort.
What are they doing? Is it reasonable? If yes, we are good.
If no, bring the pain. Social, legal, financial... what ever is the most effective in shutting down their crap.
Most will likely call BS on this but... I tend to default to being empathetic to people's problems. Unless they purposely attempt to manipulate or cause pain to others. At that point... all bets are off and my give a shit as to why they do what they choose to do ends.
I never gave one second of
I never gave one second of thought on what was going on in the brain dead minds of the toxic manipulative SpermClan. Ever.
All I ever cared about was ... were they toxic, or were they reasonable? Toxic was their default so my default was baring their idiot assess and bringing the pain... socially, financially, and legally.
My role was to be my bride's DH/equity life partner, partnering with her in raising my SS, and to have his back, and his mom's back.
As the Spermidiot added out of wedlock spawn with underage baby mamas, we tightened the screws. When SpermGrandHag would go on her crazy manipulative rants, we tightened the screws. The why was irrelevant to me. The what was important. I became his dad when his mom and I married the week before SS-28 turned 2yo. I am the only REAL dad he has ever known though he has always known the Spermidiot.
For 16+ years we dealt with the pre-visitation behavioral degradation and the post visitation behavioral detox. It did not take long for us to figure out that our best tactic was to hold him accountable to the behavioral and performance standards in our home and family every second he was in our home. So, as he started the usual pre-visitation behavioral degradation, we turned up the heat. This was usually a 7-10 day process. The post visitation behavioral detox was usually a 10-14 day process with the occasional extended post visitation behavioral detox period approaching the 14-21 day period. Both were absolutely miserable for all of us but when we changed how we dealt with it the misery usually was longer and more intense. So, we took a zero tolerance tack on SS's behavior and a zero tolerance stance for any bullshit served up by the SpermClan.
Facts are a big part of this process. Presenting the facts to a PAS'd kid who is regularly manipulated by the toxic blended family opposition helps that kid to be grounded with the truth, recognize when the toxic parent is manipulating, and gives that kid the tools and ammunition they need to protect themselves when they are with the toxic parent. Just as importantly, it helps to prepare and teach them to protect themselves from the toxic opposition when the kid reaches adulthood. Toxic dipshits never go away. If allowed, they will play their toxic bullshit with victimized kids/Skids all through the kid's adulthood.
My SS learned to recognize the bullshit and call them out on it in real time as he progressed into he teens and ultimately into very successful viable adulthood. SS-28 asked me to adopt him when he was 22. We made that happen.
Even though we are 6 years post adoption they still will take a shot across his bow with manipulative bullshit to induce Skid guilt. He just shoves them back under the slime covered rock they live under at the bottom of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. It breaks his heart, but... he does not fall for their crap. It breaks his mother's heart, and my heart as well. We remain here for him and always will be. He knows, and they know that if they push it too far, we will go to war on his behalf. Not that he needs us to. He has their number.
Your SS is lucky to have a REAL mom in his corner. That would be YOU btw.
Keep him abreast of the facts, do not waste any of your time on why his POS BM does what she does. Focus on mitigating as much of her crap as you and your DH can.
IMHO of course.
That "behavioral detox"
That "behavioral detox" period is why i don't think bouncing between homes is good for kids if one of the homes is much less suited to child-rearing than the other. It's easy for me to say, now that my kids are older, but it's true. 50/50 custody, especially if there are frequent exchanges (some ex couples exchange the kids daily!) makes it hard to form any type of routine. I know it's fair to the parents to each get to see the kids as much as possible, but it makes it really hard for either one to have good control. I don't onow what the answer is, that would be most fair and best for the kids, but 50/50 is tough in a high conflict situation.
The drama in a 50/50 or even
The drama in a 50/50 or even an EOWE style visitation schedule seems to be far more severe compared to a long distance visitation schedule. Ours was always LD. Though not initially by design, we made it by design once we married.
DW had SS when she was sixteen just before her Sr. year of HS started. She graduated on time and with honors with her class a couple of months before SS turned 1yo, She left that fall to attend university out of state. She has sole physical and legal so there was no tit for tat on her leaving the State for school.
We met a couple of months into her first semester of school and married at the end of her freshman year. When they heard that she was dating someone, the SpermClan went nuts and after custody. We married two weeks before the custody hearing court date. That whole shit show made it clear that we would never live anywhere near SpermLand and would do whatever necessary to minimize the drama for SS. When the Judge issued the ruliing and established the CO it clearly stipulated that at any time the "parties" lived more than 200 miles from each other that visitation would be long distance. (7wks summer (until SS started school when it would drop to 5wks), 10 says fall (never taken as it had to be taken where we lived and SS could not miss school for the visitation), 1wk+/- winter (from the day school was out until Dec 24th on even years, Dec 26 until the day before school started on odd years), and every spring break (1wk).
We did have the predeparture behavioral and post visitation detox to deal with. But over all SS had a structured healthy childhood in a beautiful home, neighborhood, city, with great schools and close family relationships with.... my family.
I had job offers several times over the years in SpermLand where we could have lived fairly close to my ILs and of course the SpermClan. My DW shut that down in a hurry. Even now when I get an offer near SpermLand my SS begs us not to move there. He does not think it is healthy for us to be near my ILs nor his SpermClan.
Yes!
I agree with this. I fear the returning of detox periods to our lives