Stepdaughter
Hi
I have been together with my same sex partner for 4 years . She has a 11 year old daughter. We brought a house together last year and in general I get on OK with her daughter .
But 6 months ago my partner asked me to marry her . We had discussed it before she asked and I asked her specifically to make sure she discusses it with her daughter before she asks me so that there is no issues.
But she didn't do this and just asked me. I said yes and asked why she had not talked to her daughter . She made excuses about not the right time etc .
Anyway I was patient for 6 months , giving my partner time . I didn't discuss the wedding in the house and didn't wear my ring . I asked my family not to send cards that SD might find ..
She told her on Sunday and of course SD went crazy ( I was at work) . Being nasty , treats to go and live with daddy etc. I had predicted this but when I got home ready to cuddle my partner, she was really angry towards me. We ended up arguing and I went upstairs for the evening while her and her daughter made up! .
since then although my partner has apologized I feel the whole thing is ruined . SD has not mentioned it and partner is just acting distant.
I feel so resentful towards them both . From the start I always said I was not bothered about marriage but my partner feels that if we are together along time, it is natural to get married, so she asked me . Now I am left feeling like the whole thing is a joke and extremely negative. I don't know I just had the fantasy that when we got engaged it would be a happy event . I knew it would be hard with SD but I thought my partner would understand that this is also about us and our relationship.
To put this in context my partner has always pandered to her daughter and let her get away with bad behavior and argued with me . Then on the next hand wants me to baby sit and look after her with her .
My partner has mismanaged alot of things in our relationship... like when I moved in ( I went to my partners home and we rented mine out) I told her to tell her daughter she was gay and I was moving in as a partner. But she didn't tell her for nearly a year so I had to live in her house pretending to be friends.
I really want to give the ring back . I don't know if I want to be tied without an escape route . I feel they both control the house and I am just expected to go along with whatever mood they are both in . Both Sd and partner are prone anxiety and over dramatics.
Your partner
Was angry with YOU? Doesn't sound good. The secrecy is a red flag. You have given and preferred your partner, respecting her wishes. But she can't respect yours looks like.
You may always play second fiddle to her kid's aproval.
I have married 2 men who kept our marriage a secret. Both men were narcissistic. Not saying your partner is. But don't you deserve love that your partner is proud of, that you can shout to the world of your love?
I can't tell you what to do but I encourage you to listen to your gut. If your gut says get out, listen to it.
Give the ring back - you'll
Give the ring back - you'll feel less likely to cave when faced with adversity and it will show your gf that you have had enough. Why marry someone who has so little respect for you? Though I disagree with giving a child any voice in an adult decision like marriage, I do believe she should have been told immediately. I'd seriously reconsider living in a home where a child calls the shots ... and where I came last.
Ask yourself how you want your life to be in 5 years time. Then ask yourself if you're on the right track to get there.
Thank you both . The reason
Thank you both . The reason she gave for not telling before was lockdown and that she wanted the schools to go back properly. She felt her daughter had a tough year away from friends and therfore wanted her to settle back to school first . I did not agree and said well you shouldn't have asked me until you thought it was the right time to tell her .
Hence the arguements since. She keeps getting angry at me because she says she has appoligised for not telling her and it wasn't the best way to go . But thinks I am wrong to kept telling her this and I should let it go . She says she has told her now and can't we just move forward?
But I have explained that I still feel like her daughters disapproval is hanging over it . Her daughter has not congregated us or even mentioned it to me . My partner says as the adult it is up to me to bring it up with her . I am immature apparently and should ' grow a pair' and talk to SD if I want to or just act normally and let it go .
I always thought ( maybe I am to romantic) that when someone purposed that I was meant to feel happy , wanted and loved. I had visions of us planning the wedding and SD being excited . But no my partner thinks I am immature and my SD ( to be) can't even be bothered to acknowledge it to my face.
All of which apprenrenly is my fault!
Looks like you're the bad guy
Looks like you're the bad guy no matter what you do... and that is not acceptable. Your gf's excuse for not telling her is pathetic and doesn't sound sincere. Why should a wedding make a tough year worse? Shouldn't it be quite the opposite?
I'm inclined to suggest counselling for both of you because there's a wall of ineffective communication between you. You're talking at odds. There is also the question of who are the adults in the home and who makes the decisions (hint, not the 11yo). Counselling could help things run much more smoothly.
Yes I could suggest that....
Yes I could suggest that.... I agree about the wedding meant to be good news if SD wanted it . But she hates her mum marrying again , hates it being to a woman etc . However I would have more sympathy for her if I was new but we have all lived together for 2.5 years . We brought a family home together. I have built a good (ish) relationship but it all boils down too ... it dosnt matter how good a SP I am or partner... SD dosnt want this and my partner continually feels guilty for causing her any pain ( this is compounded by divorce and coming out ).. and both take it out on me .
Tbh I don't want to spend anytime with them. Most evenings now I just stay upstairs or go out . Anything to avoid the awkwardness of avoidance/ disapproval from SD And partner
Please don't marry this woman
Please don't marry this woman with all these red flags waving in your face. Doesn't sound like you are all that happy just living together. You are right that a decision to get married and the months thereafter should be a happy time. And the fact that she lets her kid control the house won't get better.
It sounds like there is a lot
It sounds like there is a lot of triangulating in the relationship. They need you to be the bad guy. You should have given the ring back as soon as she kept the engagement secret. Go to counseling for yourself. You should figure out why you have accepted being hidden in a corner like a second class citizen. You deserve a partner who is proud to be with you and defends - not hides- your relationship.
That's a good question. You
That's a good question. You are right I am not sure who I am most annoyed with them or me . I did say to my partner I should have given the ring back when you said you hadn't spoken to her until you had done it .
Her response was that I should want to be involved in telling her so she thought we would tell her together as that's what families do . If I don't want to be there when she tells her then it is up to me but it dosnt look good on me wanting to be a family . So I got confused and felt guilty so said yes.
But I did stick to my guns and made her tell her alone. I did this not only because I didn't think it was my responsibility but also so SD can talk about how she feels with her mum rather than feeling constrained with me there . But it did take 5 months.
But all this has made me rethink that why did I not stick to what I said I wanted from the start? Why did I allow myself to be emotionally played ? Because I want to be a good supportive, understanding partner I guess . I didn't want to be dictatorial and trusted my partner that she would appreciate I had put aside my needs to go with how she wanted it done.
Guess that bit me on the back side
Hidden Relationship
Things did not exactly start off on a good footing.
And now you are the bad guy in their drama triangle. I know this because I too get drawn into the drama triangle, and I too have repeatedly been made out to be "the bad guy/gal". It sucks. Its painful. It hurts. Do not marry this person, she is highly dysfunctional in her relationship with her child. Keep in the relationship if you must. But do not get married. Do not mix finances together, keep everything separate as to finances.
Really really look into your heart and mind and consider if this is the person you want to be with. You should not be kept hidden away like that. You should be a team, a united team of parents. SHE is not allowing this. SD is not allowing this.
Take care of you.
SD doesn't need to be told
SD doesn't need to be told anything. You are not marrying SD but your SO. Also your SO needs to stop tip toeing around her kid and so do you. Putting each other first is the only way your relationship is going to work. I suggest couples counseling before you two move forward with anything and your SO needs to learn how to parent better.
Spawn coddling partners are not our fault.
Get that out of you r head.
What is our fault is tolerating that crap from our partner and allowing it to poison our lives and marriage.
Time for the come to Jesus talk with your partner with the "it ends now and never occurs again or the relationship ends now or at the immediate future point when (your partner) makes the mistake of perpretating the Spawn coddling excuse based parenting."
You have a decision to make. Voluntarily jump into this shallow and polluted gene pool or ..... move on.
Good luck.