SDs are lovely, but mental health issues
I've been living with my bf (of 3.5yrs) and his daughters (12 and 14) for the past years in a 2 bedroom apartment. They are mostly sweet but I need a lot of time to myself and i struggle in the cramped quarters, especially with everyone at home with covid lockdowns. I'm not very involved with them other than some help with cooking/cleaning, chats, occasional homework, and movie night. My BF is great with them and he also makes sure that we have alone time and I am respected and prioritized.
I still have some resentment towards the situation because when I got together with my bf he had them parttime, but 6 months in, they ran away from their BM (who is not mentallybstable), so he's had them fulltime since. They both have mental health issues, in part from the trauma with their BM. The youngest recently attempted suicide, so naturally there has been some increased stress.
I know that I contribute to the sense of stability in the home even through I'm not that involved. And I know that both children would like to be closer to me (though the younger one is quite guarded). I'm struggling with my own mental health and I sometimes feel the support and joy/romance that I'd like are not available or reliable, since the kids need to be prioritized.
I tried breaking up with my bf shortly after I moved in but I didn't know how to tell the girls and it felt like too big a loss because I do love my bf. But now with the recent suicide attempt and subsequent increased drama with the BM, plus the lockkdown and my own stuff, I'm feeling the urge to run again. Is it fair for me to leave when the family is in distress? Is there a way I can leave that won't be too hard on them?
Can you move to a bigger
Can you move to a bigger place? Find some other way out of the home to get your quiet and solitude? I am an introvert and I would lose it too in your conditions. We have a small house but it has a basement and I had a little nook down there where I could hide if I needed to when SS came over.
YOU have to be your priority, period. If this isn't working for you, get your own small place. You can still spend time at his but escape to your own when needed.
I don't see the harm in
I don't see the harm in getting your own place if you still plan to stay with BF. You will still be a part of Thier lives. That is different than breaking up. Parents have to be seperated all the time for different reasons, whether it be work, taking care of a sick relative and so on. You don't have to discuss the reason why with them, just say you moving isn't going to change your relationship.
Thanks
Thanks for the feedback. I can't afford my own/anything bigger, but it's a good reminder to be creative and persistant about carving out my solitude. It's also helpful to here that others would find it challenging too and that I don't have to stay.
Non-introverts don't really
People who aren't introverts don't really understand the need for quiet and alone time - you have to insist on it. Would your SO take the girls out sometimes to give you quiet in the home for a few hours?
Your Mom's?
How about moving back with your Mom?
I'd find it very hard too
I'd find it very hard too Sally *hugs* I'm a total introvert too and need my solitude, sometimes that takes the form of hobbies (of which I have many), or spending the day out with one of the dogs. My partner and step kids know this and do a good job of respecting it, but it did take a while to figure out that this is what I need and to carve it out. We do things as a family quite often, but I also have my time where I hole up in the study, play with power tools or head out to do some volunteer work on the weekend.
It's also absolutely ok to walk away from this situation if you need to as well. Even if it's temporary until after Covid has settled down or the kids are in a better place, it sounds like you desperately (and uderstandably) need some space.
I'm glad that your partner is supportive and the kids are nice, but you still need to keep yourself sane x
One last point - I'm in a similar situation to you in that we started part time with the kids and are now full time because their mother is a twit, but I feel no resentment as early on I read somewhere that as a step parent you need to be ok with the possibility of step kids becoming full time. Not that it's always likely, but if anything happens to their other parent then you're basically up next. With that mindset it was easy to accept that they'd be with us full time, even though the adjustment wasn't without feelings of being overwhelmed and exhausted, especially when these kids are struggling with their mental health too (although not to the same extent as yours).