Close to collapse! My stepson new attitude dumping my food in garbage getting food from his moms to my refrigerator
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I can't handle this. I took care of him since he was 8 and now he is 16 a total change. I try to cock the stuff he likes and sometimes I buy him from outside . Now I bother my self cock to him and his Dad, he dumps my food in garbage and eats any thing else. He started to get food from his mom, some of the food he got from his mom got dry , I told him to dump it in garbage he told me I still need it, but he doesn't eat it anymore. It's not edible any more. He dumped my freshly cooked food that he and his dad always eat. Close to get crazy of him. I am sure that if through his mom's food in the carabge , he would complain to dad
Don't cook for him any more.
Don't cook for him any more. He can either cook for himself, or his Dad can cook for him.
To start with, he doesn't get
To start with, he doesn't get to throw good food out. He can say he doesn't want it BEFORE it goes on his plate in which case, he can sit and watch you and DH eating. Throwing it out is just plain insulting. All food from bm's gets thrown out and I don't care what his excuse is. You do not want that stuff in your home. He doesn't get to decide that he "needs" it. What is his father doing about this dreadful behaviour?
Thank you
Thank you. This what I'm trying very bad to explain to both husband and son. It's insulting to throw my food in garbage and insulting getting his mom's food to my refrigerator. The dad told me that he will tell him not to get food from his mom, and that he will deal with throwing the BM food that is in my fridge since one week. Dad told me I'm making it a big deal and don't have the right to complain about it
Stop cooking for him and hold
Stop cooking for him and hold your husband to what he said he would do in terms of the food from BM's. Also stop doing ANYTHING you do for your SS, and let your DH pick it up. No cooking, no laundry, no cleaning, no rides anywhere, no grocery shopping for him, no paying for anything. If you "don't have a right to complain", he can take care of everything.
It is rude and wasteful to
It is rude and wasteful to throw food that is on your plate in the garbage. IF you don't want what is being served.. you can decline the portion.. THAT should be allowed and acceptable. He doesn't have to eat what he doesn't want. BUT.. you don't provide him other food.
It is not insulting for him to put his mom's food in your fridge. If that is what he wants to eat.. fine.. let him.
Pick your battles here. Wasting food. not acceptable. Bringing food home from somewhere else (mom).. that is fine.
At 16, he is old enough to feed himself. If he is clearly not wanting to eat what you prepare... stop making enough to feed him too. He can eat a sandwich or granola bar... or mom's leftovers whatever. When he leaves to go back to mom's you are free to discard any old or rotten food he has left behind.
Except that bringing food
Except that bringing food from BM's seems to be an intentional slap in OP's face, and the boy's father should not allow that disrespect. I'd be annoyed too if he brought food from BM's when we were fully capable of providing food for him. It's meant to be an insult from SS and probably BM too.
While it may not be the case.
While it may not be the case... we have to allow for the possibility that the boy really doesn't like the food that OP cooks. In and of itself, it isn't rude to provide your own food in certain circumstances. He may be a highly picky eater.. and his mom's is the only food he likes.. who knows. Even if OP's is fine.. he may just be very narrow in his preferences.
He should NOT be wasting food.. THAT is unacceptable.
OP should just back off preparing enough for any more than herself and her husband. The boy can eat his crunchy, dry leftovers from mommy. In the end.. the only person that is potentially hurting is HIM.. if she prepares good food.. he is choosing to eat stale leftovers vs a nice hot meal.
Bets on whether he does a 180 degree turn if she stops preparing enough food for him?
Then IMO, he and the father
Then IMO, he and the father should go shopping and pick out what he wants. Bringing it from BM's would not be acceptable to me.
The rest I agree with.
I dealt with that. BM didn't
I dealt with that. BM didn't actually care for the kids but would come by and either bring food or actually cook it at SO's house. Even after the hanging out and cooking stopped she would keep coming to bring the food. I saw it as a way of "marking her territory" and keeping a presence in the home while also avoiding the responsibility of actually caring for the kids at her own house (like she was being paid to do but that's another story.) I didn't even live there but i was cooking dinner for everyone every night. Some people will just stomp all over your boundaries if you give them an inch. BM can feed them at her house, on her time.
there is a huge difference
there is a huge difference when BM is coming to your home regularly.. and even coming in to prepare it.. THAT is a boundary.
I wouldn't get super upset if the kid brought a tupperwear container of mom's chili and rice though.. but that's me. Food in and of itself isn't offensive.. even if it comes from BM. Shoot.. BM's ex BF was a farmer and we got plenty of fresh picked corn from his field.. it wasn't all that personal of an issue it's not like when we got it that the message was we couldn't afford corn.
Right, because that WASN'T
Right, because that WASN'T the message they were sending. They were being nice. Believe it or not, BM here sent over cookies and stuff occasionally before it all went straight to hell.
But if she were sending over food because SS was complaining that my cooking was awful, that would be another story and DH would not have allowed it.
That's what's going on for the OP. Her DH is allowing SS and BM to insult her.
Exactly Tog!
That is exactly it !!
And for the record SD and BM made and sent over cookies to DH early on in my relationship with DH... They went straight to the trash!! Arsenic anyone??? BM is crazy and I am pretty sure she would have tried to posion us!!
No conduit for manipulation
No conduit for manipulation can or should be tolerated in the blended family home.
An X has no business in the blended family home. Ever, whether or not they are the other BP of children in the blended family home.
Neither can they be tolerated or allowed to infect the blended family and the blended family home. If mommy's food is a tool for a toxic failed first family progeny to manipulate in the blended family, it goes immediately in the compost pile, and the kid starves if that is all they will eat. A teen will not go a whole visitation weekend without eating. And if they make that choice, they are blithering idiots and deserve the hunger pangs that they choose.
If the XW/BM is a farmer/gardener who is sending a box of excess fresh produce with the Skid on visitation, great. As long as it is not leveraged for manipulation.
Thank you
What hurts me, that I'm taking care of everything related to this boy since 8 years. If I cock stuff he likes and he eats and when we have leftover from the day before, dad would say let us buy him another food or prepare something else so the boy doesn't eat the same thing in two days. Yet, he has no issue the boy eating one week left over from mom.
"This what I'm trying very bad to explain to both husband and...
"This what I'm trying very bad to explain to both husband and son. "
Stop right there. No explaining to SS that ship has sailed. You need to tell your DH that this is unacceptable behavior for any reason and quite frankly there is no other reason to do it except to be RUDE! If he doesn't like something which we know is not the case than don't take it to begin with. He was invited into meal planning when you made his favorite dishes.
I would first have that that conversation above with only DH, after that he can have a sit down with SS and you can join if you like and talk about some meal planning and behavior. But mostly this is on your DH to get this under control!!!
I'd stop cooking for Dad as
I'd stop cooking for Dad as well if he thinks it is ok to throw away all your hard work. Stop for your favorite resturant take away for one. Tell him you decided not to bother to cook since it is not appreciated.
"Dad told me I'm making it a
"Dad told me I'm making it a big deal and don't have the right to complain about it"
It absolutely IS a big deal and you have EVERY right to complain about it. This kid is taking food that you lovingly made for him and his father and threw it away. How DARE he?! If he doesn't want to eat what you prepared he should say so before it goes in his plate. How DARE he throw away good food when there are kids out there who are starving? Doesn't your DuH ever read the papers? Listen to the news? Food should never be wasted. Your work and your efforts to make good food should not be insulted in such a way!
Just stop
stop cooking meals for three and make them for two instead. If SS complains, sweetly teell him the food he brought himself is in the fridge. Stop setting him up to hurt you. He wants Mommy's food, it's in the fridge. He doesn't toss it, after 10 days, you toss it. leave the containers clean and dried, hanging in a bag on his doorknob or by the front door. He's playing a game you didn't agree to play. Stop playing. If Dad complains, Dad is now in charge of cooking for his little man.
You do not have to play this game.
Ah I feel for you, I would
Ah I feel for you, I would totally feel offended. But... on the upside ... less work and money spent for you. The food in the garbage is an absolute no, but he doesn't need a plate ... he has BMs food.
He brings no food into the
He brings no food into the house. Period. He eats what you cook or he does not eat.
This is not a challenging problem, but it is a problem that must be addressed.
Inform your DH that because of the rude crap, his 16yo does not have rights to bring or access food in your home except what you provide.
Take the means of his manipulations away. He may find another, take that away too.
Lather.... rinse...... repeat.
Don't serve him a plate
This also happened with my SS after a while of living permanently with us. I always serve my husband and my two sons a plate and when SS moved in with us I would naturally serve him a plate as well. At year 3 of living with us he became really disrespectful, was 17 at the time and would sleep in all day becasue of covid (online schooling), after two times of serving him and him never coming up to eat and then having to throw the food away I stopped serving him. Continue to cook and serve your husbands meals but leave whatever's extra in the pot and let SS know that if he wants to eat its on the stove. This is what worked for me. Whatever he did'nt eat goes to the dogs or leftovers for the next day. That way no one disrespects you by throwing out what you took time to make. The part about brining food from his moms, if you don't have other kids in the home that might feel its unfair to see SS brining snacks that they can't usually eat, I would say let it go. In fact clear out a drawer specifically for his snacks from home seperate from the food you and your husband eat. If you do have kids in the home, I would say don't allow it, especially if it's unhealthy or sugary stuff, toss it in the trash, it's your house and if its going to affect your kids don't tolerate it. After tossing it enough times in the trash he'll get that he can't bring food that his siblings arn't allowed to eat. Contiunue to buy groceries and extra things like cereal for when he doesn't want to eat what you made. Don't sweat the small stuff, as long as you and hubby love the food you make thats all that matters. In a few years he'll be an adult responsible for finding and making his own food.
Bratty
Complained about food so now she doesn't get to eat any of my food. I told my SO he has to cook for BOTH of them if she visits as I won't do it anymore.
16 is old enough to fend for himself so stop cooking for him and tell your husband to deal with it.
Have DH get him his own mini
Have DH get him his own mini-fridge. DH can stock it. This is the only fridge he is allowed to put food in or throw food out of.