Epilogue: What I Know Now That I Didn't Know Then
The road to stephell is paved with good intentions. Looking back, I now know what I didn’t know at the start of my step-journey…
I didn’t know that my hopeful enthusiasm of a friendly relationship with Bratty would disintegrate into a disengagement standoff.
I didn’t know that Bratty, who seemed like a normal teen when I first met her, would exhibit disturbing levels of resentment and passive-aggressiveness.
I didn’t know that SO and Bratty, who seemed to have a good relationship, actually had a dysfunctional one where Bratty was controlling and emotionally manipulating and SO parented out of guilt and sometimes fear.
I didn’t know that my behavior was actually irrelevant. SO could have dated a literal Saint and Bratty would still have issues because they stem from her dysfunctional relationship with her BM.
I didn’t know that even as an adult Bratty would still be consumed with SO and BM’s divorce.
I didn’t know that Bratty was so personality disordered that any type of relationship with me was doomed.
I didn’t know that Bratty was an unlikeable entitled hypocrite who always cried victim.
I didn’t know the self-doubt that would plague me during these years due to seeing things that neither Bratty nor SO saw or validated.
I didn’t know that I would be wracked with guilt for not liking Bratty.
I didn't know I would shoulder disappoint and feeling like I failed.
I didn’t know that it was really ok that I didn’t like Bratty and it was not a failure on my part.
I didn’t know that SO really loved me and wouldn’t leave me if I didn’t like Bratty.
I didn’t know all this before but I do now. And knowing what I know now, I would still do it all over again because SO and I ended up in a better and more realistic place.
So what will the future bring?
I think about this question a lot. SO once asked me what it would take for Bratty and I to reconcile. I thought about it and said nothing will make us a family, but if Bratty wants a relationship with me she will need to grow up and take real responsibility for herself, her life, and her choices. SO didn’t really understand that answer so I finally told him it will take a lot of time, many years, and it may never happen. And he needed to be ok with that because if he wasn’t our path as a couple would be very different and potentially could not continue. So far he’s been true to his word and kept Bratty’s ongoing drama (because there is always more drama…) away from me.
At the end of the day, Bratty will always be in SO’s orbit so I don’t expect to fully walk away from her. And loving SO means I’ll have to constantly manage the push-pull of wanting to be with him and not wanting to be near Bratty. And he’ll have to manage his own internal conflict of wanting to be close to both of us.
The trade-off is well worth it to both of us.
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Comments
Caninelover
Stoked that you and your DH have come to terms with the fabrics of your step family, and how to succeed. You seem to be very self aware which ables you to continue on, and the best part you have a supportive DH.
BEST part you hung on to your killer humor. Bratty would make anyone pull their hair out. BUT you made lemonade out of lemons and blogged your experience with your sharp wit. Best medicine for dealing with a Bratty.
Or life in general
I love to laugh for sure :)
Thanks Step - I've loved all your very witty and supportive comments
Mother Teresa
You could have been Mother Teresa and it wouldn't have been any different.
I understand what you say about acknowledging Bratty's role in your SO's life. Even though I can't stand to be around SD59, I know I will have her in my orbit as long as DH83 lives. Better for us to face reality and find a way to live with it
Thanks JRI
And thanks for your comments and insights. It was partly from reading about your long-running (and still continuing) experiences that I've realized I need to learn to live with it - in a way that is still healthy for me and my relationship with SO. I doubt Bratty will ever fade away into the sunset.
I often wonder how things
I often wonder how things will be with SS16 and DH in the coming years. Will there be a point where DH walks away? Will he always put his heart out there for his son to destroy? I am so impressed with your ability to tell Bratty how you feel. I know she is older than my SS but I really hope that if we are still being put through hell 5-6 years from now with emotional torment I will have the guts to do what you did.
Truth vs Fear
I got to a point where I just realized I was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I figured the only way I could truly be happy was telling the truth about Bratty and letting those chips fall where they may. I figured worst case SO would leave - the hurt would be real but I know my strength and I know I would not only heal, but thrive. Versus continuing to do what I was doing - trying to placate Bratty because I was afraid of hurting SO - which was causing me a lot of hurt and turmoil.
Its like they say, the truth shall set you free.
Cold hard truth.
I loved this quote:
"I didn’t know that my behavior was actually irrelevant. SO could have dated a literal Saint and Bratty would still have issues because they stem from her dysfunctional relationship with her BM."
This is a very powerful bit of knowledge. It is either impossible for most step-parents understand, or they refuse to acknowldege it. In many cases, what we do makes no difference. IT IS OUR MERE EXISTENCE THAT IS THE PROBLEM. We are outsiders, interlopers, and for the skids described on this board, we are the enemy, regardless of our actions. It doesn't matter how good we are to them, how much we sacrifice for them, how much we help them. The root problem pre-dates our arrival in our lives, but we end up paying the price for the dysfuction fostered by their biological parents.
This was the case with the skids from my first marriage, and the daughter of my now ex-fiance. Sadly, I've come to accept that I've been vaginamatized by ex-fiance, and in order to keep her as a FWB, I still have to put up with some bullshit from her daughter. But at least now I know our problems weren't really because of anything I did (or didn't do).
Yep
What's annoying is when people look at you and think you're the problem because the toxic SK's are having issues since they are just 'innocent kids'. Um, no.
Nobody knew about stephell.
TV shoes and movies missed that point. It's all a happy family. No body know about all the dysfunctional side relationships that goes on. BM,SK, family and everyone else trying to control your life and relationships.
A lot of us before the internet always was made to believe that we were the problem, it's our issue that other people always came first
that BM and BF made these kids. Screw them up Don't want to parent them. But it's our fault that we just don't love the SK and don't treat them as our own. Even if we did more then the bio parents. There always a connection between birth parents even if they divorce because they could not live together,
out fault that SK show no respect tell you , you are not there parents , and they need. Need and they need
You see the writing on the wall. Nothing is going to change especially with crazy Bratty, personal I would stay disengage until Bratty changes.
I don't think Bratty ever will truly change
She may improve but she is mentally broken - so there will always be some distance.
"I didn’t know that my behavior was actually irrelevant."
I had this same epiphany a few years in. There was nothing I could have done or not done differently to solve the problems I have with the skids. So I disengaged, and our interaction is limited to superficial, polite conversations.
In some ways, problem solved. But it created a new problem, which is that I don't feel like I'm part of a family. It's like DH has his "real" family, which consists of an exwife that he loves to hate and their 3 adult children. Then he has me and our daughter, and we're like the after thought. He still refers to his 3 adult children as "the kids." They are ADULTS - all 3 of them. And he has an actual young child at home. But they are "the kids." In conversation, he still wants to talk and talk about them all the time, to the point where I don't want to bring him to my work christmas parties anymore, because I don't want to spend them talking about "the kids" ... I'd rather jsut go alone. He wears their college merch everywhere, even from the one who graduated a year ago. "The kids" are not just in his orbit, they're his world. So I disengage, and where does that leave me? Anyone else feel like that?
That bit in the OP about
That bit in the OP about reconciling. I'm a little shocked he didn't understand what you said about her taking responsiblilty. That's troubling.
Reminds me of that part I mentioned about DH saying "You're unpleasant and obnoxious, and she doesn't want to be around you anymore. You've burned your bridges with Ipso. She doesn't like you. Stop asking." To which Killjoy responded, "I don't get it."
Acceptance
I've come to accept that at least for now SO and I have different views of Bratty. He still thinks she is sweet, opinionated, and well-meaning. I could give example after example of an opposite view but it wouldn't matter. So he'll just have to figure it out over time as Bratty's young adulthood plays out.
I enjoyed reading your blog
I enjoyed reading your blog it resonated with me. Learning to accept that I will never like SD. That no matter who I am or what I do they are a product of their dysfunctional relationship with BM and I can't fix that.
I hope someday to at least reach the same level of understanding with my SO that you have with yours. Unfortunately my SO is still of the belief that fairy tales are real and one day SKs will have a magic transformation into loving, emotionally healthy successful adults.
He becomes upset with me because I choose to have realistic expectations.
Rose Colored Glasses
SO still sees Bratty differently from me but we are ok with agreeing to disagree and I'm not required to play happy family anymore. Reality will play out over time I suspect. It also wouldn't surprise me if Bratty freezes out SO for awhile then returns with some crisis down the road. We'll see.
Thanks for reading Wicked
I used to like my Skids. I
I used to like my Skids. I actually still like SS28. SD20 is another story. I saw early on how she manipulated situations. I saw disturbing behaviors, especially around other children. Something was just not right with her. She was overly sexual at such a young age. I imagine she witnessed many things she should not have witnessed in her earlier years. She started becoming sneakier, territorial, underhanded. I didn't like it. DH refused to see it. How could he? It was his little girl and he was blinded by guilt for the failed relationship with their mother. He was a Disney Dad and a walking wallet. I know now that nothing I did or could have done would have changed how things ended up. I am thankful that I stuck it out with DH as he truly is a phenomenal man, he just wasn't very good at setting expectations for his kids and they are paying for that now because neither of them has any kind of structure or stability.