Opinions needed please
Hi there,
I'm new to the forum - found it when I was trawling the internet to see if anyone has or had experienced similar issues. I guess in fairness things may not be as bad for me as they are for others. Still, would appreciate opinions or advice.
I'm married to DH for 6 years together for 11 with 3 skids (SD 25, SD24 & SS13) with our own LO 6 months.Eldest SD lives with us at the moment. My issue is that I would feel SD has more sway in our house than she should have. She's not messy or lazy or anything but will help with the housework when it suits. I find her very undermining. For example, I write a shopping list - she will go through it & the cupboards after me & double-check it. I have something on it & she will tell me "Oh we don't need that" even though she doesn't use it herself. My DH asks me something using my name & she will answer for me as though I'm not there. If I point out that I don't appreciate this I get told that she was only being helpful. I have explained that I don't feel helped I feel undermined in my own home. Doesn't matter. She is so forceful expressing her opinion it's as though she tells you what your opinion should be.
My DH + SD1 are very close. They are very much on the same wave length with almost everything e.g. sense of humour, logic, thinking etc. There are times when I feel invisible in my own home. When I raise this even in a joke it's completely dismissed or I get "she's my daughter what am I supposed to do?!" If she's not going to be home she will only txt her Dad, if her boyf is coming over for dinner she'll ask DH & I get told about it even though I'm the one cooking. To be fair, her own mum has never been great parenting-wise. She has practically absented herself from all things she should be doing as a parent so in order to redress the balance + look after her younger siblings SD1 took over things. That's not the case in our house though. To be fair, it's not necessarily her - it's also DH's attitude. Maybe not though - I mean everyone else is happy with the situation except me. Even when I was pregnant with our LO he insisted on telling SD1 at 4 weeks (because she was living with us) even though I wanted it kept to ourselves for another few weeks.
I don't know what to do anymore. We cannot have a private conversation anymore in our own home because if we try & have it when she's there he'll include her. Our health insurance renewal notification came in last week & he showed it to her & asked her what she thought we should do. I am just so frustrated with the whole thing. Does anyone else have this?.
She works full-time & is in
She works full-time & is in college at night 2 nights a week. She lives with us because ironically enough she was taking over the mother role in her mams & to avoid being completely tied to her youngest sibling (8 yrs - she's her mams DD with her new hubbie)she moved in with us 5 years ago to enable her be a proper sibling as opposed to being a mothering role. Initially it was fine but its as though slowly but surely I'm being chipped away at.
I suffered badly from depression when we had stillborn twins @ 6 months last year. Things were never great between us beforehand but then because I wasn't at full strength she slotted into my role & became closer than before if that's possible to her Dad.
I really struggled after we lost the twins & all I heard was how great she was & what a great kid she was. I was faced with this person who was extremely capable, competent, couldn't put a foot wrong etc. I felt like a failure both as a mother & an individual having lost the twins so pushed her away(according to my therapist that's totally nornal though not that that justifies it). I wanted nothing to do with her. I blanked her almost. As far as he's concerned, she can do no wrong. She has mentioned moving in with the boyf recently which to me is great because she should be in her own place @ 25 but as far as DH is concerned it's my fault because I treated her badly. "It's no wonder she wants to move out given how you've behaved towards her" I feel awful because I'm just biding my time until she moves out.
No normal 25 year old with a
No normal 25 year old with a BF wants to live with her father. If she wants to move out it is not because of you.
It's time for your SD to go.
It's time for your SD to go. . plain and simple. My SD (25 at the time) also lived us. She was lazy, mean spirited and evil, and did everything in her power to get me out. DH thought the sun rose and set on her, but every other day he'd have to "talk" to her about the foolish stunts she would pull because she was so unhappy that daddy got remarried. It was down right pathetic. Most of our arguments were about SD. Two adult women cannot live under the same roof. I believe in one queen to a household.
Like in your case, SD had an open ended move out date. Her plan was to finish school, get a job and save for a year or so and get her own place. SD was not in any hurry to move . .which as far as I'm concerned isn't normal. So she finished school, pretended to look for work for a year, found work and then decided she'd stay another few years. My DH gave me the "I'm not going to kick her out" routine so I decided that I would leave. Why would she leave? She had no chores, and life was as cushy as hell. By this point I couldn't stand the sight of her. When she'd come home, I'd leave to visit friends. If I wanted to talk to DH about private matters, we went out to dinner. I was also concerned she would blab our business to family members. I recall an incident where DH asked her a question first and then he asked me. I was deflated. His first line of soliciting advice was from SD instead of his wife.
Finally, I decided to get her out . . since DH wasn't going to do it. I forbade him to buy her food and insisted she started buying her own food since she was a working adult. DH was no longer allowed to bring her food home when we went out to dinner. I made him charge her a real rent, instead of the pittance she was paying. When SD would come home, I'd grab DH and we'd retreat to the bedroom. She got the message that we wanted privacy . .and it didn't include her. Next thing I knew, SD had found a place and told DH she was moving out. He tried to discourage her, but I told him if she didn't move out, I would.
Have a long talk with DH and a meeting w/SD to find out her plans to move out. It's time for her to stand on her own two feet. She is an adult and needs to learn self reliance. Get her out or you'll be continue to be miserable . .like I was. Now that SD is gone, life is good. I can do and say and wear whatever I want in my own home. And finally because of all the strife she's caused, SD and I don't have a relationship and I'm ok with that. I don't wish anyone the hell I went through. It's time for you to put your foot down and take control of your household or it's only going to get worse. Good luck.
Oh wow, you've no idea how it
Oh wow, you've no idea how it feels to be able to put all this out there and NOT have someone tell me that I'm being grossly unfair or horrible. Such a relief. I have tried to explain how I feel about this to DH & he doesn't get it at all not a bit. Doesn't see what I mean at all. Doesn't see that she will play up to him at all. It's like he doesn't WANT to see it either if you ask me. It's like he's torn loyalty-wise between me & SD25. He reckons that I'm being rude and ignorant towards her if I exclude her from our conversations while she's in the room. What irritates the life out of me is that when her boyf is here they get the space + courtesy in which to conduct their relationship but it doesn't work the other way. They can have a conversation quietly together & no-one butts in but yet he sees it as perfecty ok that there are times we have to go to our room in our own house to have a private conversation. To me that's crazy.
As I said in an earlier post I had bad depression (wanting to drive into on-coming traffic type of bad) after we lost our twins. I did treat her badly afterwards. As I said, I was faced with this person who was extremely capable, couldn't put a foot wrong etc. I felt like a failure so I pushed her away.I was short, rude and abrupt towards her at times. I wanted her to shut up & get out of my face. To be fair, she never once called me on it or pulled me up on it. DH on the other hand was full of indignation and anger about how I was towards her even saying to me a few times - Don't tell me that you love me cos you couldn't possibly love me if you can treat my daughter like that. In fairnes, she does help around the house - tidying up etc. She will cook dinner (again I'm informed as opposed to being asked)at the weekend.
Shannon61, My DH doesn't see what's wrong with her living with us at her age. His sister has asked her a few times would she not move out & the response has been a chuckle "Why would I move out??!!". Indeed wWhy would she - everything is provided for her - food,toiletries,lunches(she makes her own lunch + bring it into work),her laundry is done for her(again DH!!!), she pays for her college (I believe that's around 3k a year)and her car loan but has no bills or outgoings other than that so there's no real incentive for her to move out. He would never agree to do what your DH did EVER!. Not a hope - he would never do that.
I feel so frustrated and so alone at times. The sad thing is that I don't see it getting any better. For it to improve I need DH's help but he's not going to discomode her. If I say anything to her she'll go to him + I'll be the worst in the world.
Meanwhile, 8 years later and back at the ranch.....
OLD THREAD!